Summary: Born too late to change the past, born too early to protect the future. Riddled with guilt but harbouring an incredible motivation to at least work for a better future, I keep going. Self-insert Senju
Disclaimer: Naruto and all its characters are property of Masashi Kishimoto. I do not get anything for writing this other than a headache and a cramp in my fingers.
A/N: this is a rewrite of the original 'lost cause'
It was dark and silent. It was comforting. I felt like I was floating and nothing could hurt me ever again. In the silence, I didn't have to think. I didn't have to feel. I had no obligations or worries. Sometimes there was a gentle voice, in the far distance. It talked to me. I wanted to stay there for ever. Unfortunately all good things come to an end eventually.
I was ripped away from my comforting darkness, blinded by the sudden light and shocked by the loud sounds. Everything was blurry, I felt panicked. Never had I been so conscious of my need for air as now. There was yelling, there were panicked voices. I was put in something soft and brought away. This place was cold, the air was cold, dry. I wanted to complain, and voice my discomfort but I could only cry.
Sometimes someone would pick me up, talk to me in gentle whispers. I couldn't understand them but they all called me Saki. That wasn't my name,…I think. I don't know how long I've been away from my dark comfort, but I was slowly getting used to the outside stimulus of –what I later learned—was the family compound.
I rarely saw the man that held me when I got here. There was an older woman who took care of me though. She was nice and doting. She hugged me when I cried for attention, she cleaned me because I couldn't, she fed me and talked to me. At first I didn't recognise the language that was spoken to me, but in my head it made sense. I mean, I knew what everyone was trying to tell me, I understood them. If only my vocal cords would cooperate.
It was a couple of months in when I first realised what was wrong with me. For the first time I saw my reflexion. I was tiny, with chubby cheeks and short burgundy coloured hair. I used to be a blonde. My eyes that I remember as being green were now an amber colour. I was a baby. I didn't cry like one expected to do in such a situation. I was silent, and I remained so for the longest time.
The second revelation came in the form of my heritance. I had only just turned two and was mindlessly playing a strange form of hopscotch in the courtyard. My mother had died at child birth and my father was too busy to properly care for me, as compensation there were two ANBU assigned to protect me at any given time. I never talked to them, I was just aware that they were there. All the games they let me play were boring, repetitive, I hated it. around noon, the ANBU would be relieved of their babysit duty by two others. They were always the same, so I took it as my chance to explore.
The main gate of the compound was always open and unguarded so I simply walked out. I generally didn't see that many people. I saw tutors and my nanny, sometimes my great grandmother when she wasn't feeling too tired. So imagine my surprise when I was suddenly sticking out like a sore thumb in a sea of people. I kept walking, my geta making small sounds with every step I took.
The village was big, colourful and busy. People would smile at me when I walked by. Sometimes I could hear what they were saying about me. "What a cute little girl" "That's Saki-hime for you" I tried not to scowl. It was still strange to be called 'Saki'. I continued walking, I don't know where, I was just enjoying the small bout of freedom I had granted myself. I was surprised that my ANBU guards had not yet come to collect me. Did they not notice my absence? Or were they simply following from a distance without me noticing it, allowing me a small moment of freedom?
I bumped into someone, I apologised and continued with my exploration. Someone called my name, I turned around. Before me stood a girl with brilliant red hair, it very much resembled mine. Her eyes were blue, and she had a gentle face. I frowned, I recognised her. Just like I did with my great grandmother.
"What are you doing outside the compound Saki-hime?" she bent down to my height and looked me in the eyes. Why did I suddenly feel guilty about just leaving.
"Walking." I told her and turned around, hoping to just leave the red haired girl behind. I was picked up by the back of my yukata. I wiggled, kicked and yelled. I wanted to be released. Why did she pick me up like that. "Lemme go!" I continued with my feeble attempts to escape. somewhere along the line I lost one of my geta. In no time I was back home, one of the ANBU carried me inside.
"Senju Saki!" I stilled my thrashing and I was gently place on the ground. Senju, I knew that name. they were important. Inoue-san held me at arm's length, worry made her look older than she really was. I averted my gaze and crossed my arms. "What were you thinking?" she scolded me "We thought you were taken away." I bit my lip. How was I supposed to know that I was of such a prestigious clan when no one ever tells me anything. I lived here for two years not even knowing my own last name.
"Sorry?" I offered her and held out my arms. Perhaps a hug would make it better. It didn't.
After my little escapade I got a very lengthily lecture from both Inoue-san and my father when he finally returned home. I was the youngest Senju child, I had inherited the Uzumaki genes from my mother, I was important, loved, easily used for political gain. I wasn't allowed to go outside alone until I could properly defend myself.
The red haired girl, I later learned to be Uzumaki Kushina, regularly visited Mito-Baa-sama –who wasn't doing all that great—and before she would take her leave, she would visit me. Over the course of that year, I got started on my calligraphy skills, under the careful tutelage of Kushina-san.
Kushina-san started visiting more often, at least 4 times a week. Mito-Baa-sama rarely got out of bed anymore and I spend a lot of my time at her side practicing my calligraphy. The Senju compound was quiet, there was an increase in ANBU guards and there was a tension so thick it could be cut with a butter knife.
I was well on my way to becoming an academy student. Those silly little games they let me play were to enhance my fine motor skills, every morning I had to go through various stretches to increase my flexibility, I was started early on reading and writing and now Mito-Baa-sama was carefully explaining chakra to me.
"Can you feel it?" she put one of her hands gently on my stomach. I sat there, eyes closed, trying to grasp the chakra that was gently flowing through my body. It was cool but not cold, it was fast and gentle, I felt it and it was comforting. I nodded twice to let her know that I had found it. "There are 361 tenketsu points in your body, but I want you to concentrate on those in your hands." She had already explained that I would be doing the leaf sticking exercise. "now follow my finger alright?" I nodded once again. From my stomach, she moved up to my shoulder and down my arm. She went slow, making sure I kept my concentration.
When my chakra was concentrated in my hand, I was given my leaf, it stuck there for about three whole seconds before it feel back down. I looked disappointed but Mito-baa-sama smiled gently and put her hand on my head. "I think it's time for a nap. Don't you think?" I nodded and crawled next to her. I may be a little ninja in training but I was still only a couple of days away from being three. Naps with Mito-baa-sama always made me feel safe and loved.
I was heartbroken when she left. It was no secret that Mito-baa-sama was at the end of her time. She didn't have the luxury of waiting it out though, not with her being the container for the kyūbi. No she chose when she was ready, she told me she was and reluctantly I accepted this. I woke up early to see her off. Our last goodbye. She didn't come back afterwards. There was a village wide mourning day, but the funeral was private. Only for the few Senju that remained, the prominent clan heads and our Hokage. I tried to smile when Kushina-san took a seat next to me. I grabbed her hand and didn't let go.
At three years old, I was already able to read and write katakana and hiragana, I was already working on the basic kanji and was able to stick a leaf to my hand and forehead for little over 20 seconds. At three years old, I had also lost my almost always absent father. A mission gone bad. I seemed like the Senju really were in decline. He may not have been around all that much but when he was I couldn't help but feel as If I was the most important thing in his life, the reason why he was continuing his dangerous profession. For a while I was incredibly sad. Kushina-san still visited, there were still two ANBU guards stationed around the compound and Inoue-san was still taking care of me. Nothing else had changed at all.
"I don't think I want to be a ninja." Sarutobi Hiruzen visited ever once in a while, we would have tea and just talk but today it seemed like I had surprised him. I picked up my cup of green tea and took a sip. I used to hate it.
"Why not?" I frowned.
"My whole clan were ninja, we were strong and that's why There are only a handful of us left." I paused to take another sip of my tea. "I don't want to die." And I didn't, I was pretty sure I already did once and while I may not remember how or when or where, I knew that it wasn't pleasant. I was given this opportunity, I was going to grasp it with both hands and not let go.
"Saki-chan, " He put down his own cup and gave me a soft look, not unlike a grandfather would give to his grandchild. "The Senju were one of the strongest clans in the elemental nations, they died for this village, for their desire to achieve peace. I will not force you to join the academy but would ask you to at least consider." Hiruzen sighed deeply, it were moments like these where you could start seeing the stress he had to live with. After a brief pause he continued. "Your mother however was an Uzumaki, they were a formidable clan that unfortunately were wiped out not too long ago. I will not lie to you child, but the elders want you to continue their legacy."
I scowled. That made sense. The offspring of two very strong clans, both almost extinct. Of course they wanted me to join the ranks. Between the Uzumaki vitality and Senju healing skills,…
He must have seen my train of thoughts because he didn't stop speaking. "I said I would not force you but do not think that the rest of the elders will not. I am saying this because I do not wish to see you hurt." I looked down at my hands, so small and soft. How could I ever take someone's life?
"There are other career options you know. No one is stopping you from becoming a medic." My eyes widened and I grinned. That would be a good option, it would keep me relatively safe, I wouldn't be forced to kill and I was still an active member of the shinobi forces.
There was a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "I'm sure Tsunade-chan would love to help you." The rest of the conversation was light, about everyday things and with the promise of a trip into the village soon.
I hadn't seen Kushina in a couple of weeks, the academy graduations were last week, I was fairly certain she had been dealing with her team members. Children were graduating left and right because of the war. I just hoped I wouldn't be put in the middle of it.