Warnings: noncom/dubcon, major character death, suicidal thoughts, drug usage, alcohol angst, angst, and more ANGST

This is a fill for a prompt on the snk kink meme (I filled my own prompt actually, haha .)

Enjoy~ (:

~X~

When the wall fell he thought it was the end of the world. He thought he was going to die, he thought Mikasa was going to die—his mom did die. There had always been the threat, the terror of the constant looming tower of concrete they were incased in for 'protection'. Because what was a wall for, if not to hold something out? …Or keep something in? He thought maybe they were doing a bit of both, because whatever was out there couldn't climb over them, but the people inside could never leave them either.

Armin had books with filled with falls of water and rivers of fire and mountains of sand and his eyes were filled with hopes and dreams that sparkled like stars twinkling in the sky at twilight, and Eren was jealous because Armin's eyes never lost their childlike innocence and Mikasa's eyes always retained their iron strength, but his just looked angry. He didn't want to be that way but the brunette couldn't help it, his world was ending around him. He had been born into the final years of an apocalypse—the end of humanity. He had all of eternity to be born into and his soul had gotten stuck here.

He felt helpless and abandoned. But then he wondered, what if he had been placed here for a reason? What if he could help? What if he could fight? And then he looked to his side and there was Mikasa and there was Armin and they were counting on him. They were in a war and they were probably going to lose. But if you didn't fight you couldn't win and fuck the consequences, Eren wanted to win. At the very least, he wanted to fight. He wanted to kill every last titan on the face of this hellish world and he wasn't going to stop until either they dropped or he did. But Mikasa, Armin, they weren't in this to fight. They were following him and so he regardless of his own suffering; he was going to protect them. It wasn't right to drag them in and then get them killed. And he didn't really care about himself anyways. The brunette was merely a vassal for a weapon. His body was meant to be a tool to fight for his people and that was his purpose in life. He didn't care if he died.

But they were dying. His friends were dying. Every day there was a little less food, the night was a little colder, their clothes were a little less clean. They were slowing decaying around him, losing their energy, losing their light. He had to do something—he had to protect them.

The first time a man tried to rape Mikasa they were shocked. They froze and Mikasa cried. Eren was the first to snap out of it. He supposes they should have been less surprised, this world was cruel after all.

The shock of children actually fighting back was enough to let them escape— though Eren still ended up killing one with a scrap of metal he had picked up when they were thrown into the alley, and if maybe that wasn't entirely an accident and if maybe if he had found the other man a few days later and stabbed him with a kitchen knife seven times and gauged his eyes out…well, no one said anything.

And life continued.

But as time passed Armin's grandparent's died, and they were truly alone. No one helped them get food or gave them an occasional roof over their head to rest and recover and they were wearing down. And Eren thought back to those men who had tried to rape Mikasa and he wondered…did men like boys to? He had seen the whores who walked the streets and the money dirty old peasants and drunken soldiers shoved into their shaking hands when they were finished. It looked like a lot. He was sure that having much money would be able to help them.

It had just been a sort of passing thought though, hovering in the back of his tortured mind, until the day Armin got sick. If he didn't get medicine he would die. It would be a slow and painful death, and he would wither away until he was nothing but a rattling sack of bones shivering on the side of the road, helpless and in pain. The boy with sparkling blue eyes and dreams bigger than the walls they were forever encased in—he didn't deserve a death like this. So Eren intervened.

He went there under cover of the dark night and moonless sky. Mikasa and Armin were asleep in their little hideout under the bridge, wrapped in the few slowly disintegrating, rat-eaten blankets they had managed to get a hold of. It was cold and he could see his breath with every huff of air he managed to push through his shivering lungs. The brunette would have worn a jacket but the three of them together only owned 2 and he had given them to his friends so they could sleep. He wasn't likely to be sleeping that night anyways.

When he got to the worn-down road the whores usually congregated on, he walked over to spot. And he stood there all night. He had no luck, but then again, he supposed he wasn't really trying all that hard. People had probably thought he was just some whore's child, waiting in the corner for his mother to get off work. His failure was partially because he was inexperienced, and partially because he was still hesitant. He didn't actually want to do this. He was frightened to core and when he decided to return again the next night he was sick to the point of throwing up.

But he had watched the professionals work last night and now he knew how to advertise. And so he did. And he had customers. They were drunk and they were dirty and between their clammy skin slapping into his every time they pushed into his ass or his mouth, and their sloppy wet mouths running along his back and thighs and neck he nearly threw up again. Later, when he was limping back to the little bridge and the sun was beginning to rise, he collapsed and cried. He had wanted to scream. He had wanted to rip his own brain out just to stop the constant rewinding and replaying and the dirty feeling everywhere that he knew would never ever come off. But he settled for hiccupping little sobs racking his body and his empty stomach convulsing endlessly, trying to reject whatever was left in his system until there was literally nothing but stomach acid.

And when he could, he stood up. He wiped the tears from his eyes and washed his mouth out in the river. He curled up next to Mikasa and fell asleep. The next day, when they all decided it was warm enough to jump in the river and take a bath, he was perhaps a little more excited and a little more thorough then his two companions. But they ate meat that night for the first time in months and Armin got his medicine and if he had lied and said it was a generous donation from a nice stranger, they didn't question him. Years later, when they finally find out, Mikasa thought she should have known, because this world is cruel, and strangers aren't nice.

~X~

When they reach the age where they can enter the training camp they do so immediately. There's no sense in waiting after all, they really have nothing to lose. So they join and then all of a sudden they're being fed three meals a day and sleeping in a warm bunk at night and they have endless closets full of clothes. Some of the other soldiers complain they don't like the taste of the food or the style of the mandatory outfits and Eren laughs and laughs and laughs. He realizes it's the happiest he can ever remember being since his mother had died and that makes him stop laughing, because oh yea, they're hear for a reason. And that reason is to fight, not to be happy.

But then he sees Mikasa smile for the first time in years and he sees Armin talking enthusiastically to another soldier and he thinks that they deserve to be happy. He's glad that they can be happy and he hopes they won't hate him if he gives them his happiness to—because they deserve to have a little more and he doesn't really deserve to have any at all.

When Mikasa and Armin start dating Eren feels simultaneously the happiest he thinks he ever can be, because he's happy for them, and bitter, because now they're protecting each other and his purpose in life just got taken away from him a little bit. The brunette couldn't think of a better outcome for their little family though, because they match perfectly. Armin is the smartest in the class and Mikasa is the strongest. They're perfect. And it hurts a little bit that they can be so perfect and all he was really given to fight this war was a death wish.

Afterwards he becomes more reckless. He's still trying to protect them of course, but now he starts to think that it really does not matter if he dies in doing so. Before the relationship began he had wanted to be their protector, and he had wanted to live protect them, now he wanted to die to protect them. The change was obvious on the battlefield. But still, no one said anything and the years passed.

The day of their graduation, they almost lost their entire graduating class to titans. Eren had been the first to spot the attack, and he had been the first to react. The others were in shock, but he was angry, he was exceedingly unexpectedly irrationally angry. So he fought, because he wanted to kill them, he wanted to kill all of them. They had made his life hell since birth; they had destroyed everything in this world.

They were monsters.

And then he found out he was one of them. His purpose in life was to kill them, and then suddenly was one of them. He was torn between killing himself and killing everything around him. How completely ironic that the one thing he hated most, he had become. If it was even possible, he became more reckless. The list of reasons why he should really just die already just kept growing. It was always growing. He had always felt like it didn't really matter if he lived; now it mattered because continuing to live meant he was contradicting the very purpose of his life.

When he was a titan he attacked Mikasa. When he was titan he destroyed homes and cities and people died. Wasn't this exactly what he was fighting to stop? He was supposed to help end the war, not increase the damage.

But what could he do? They wanted him to live because he was 'humanity's last hope' and wasn't that silly. Wasn't that ironic?

He was a joke.

~X~

When the Survey Corps took him in he was elated, because now he could finally kill, he could finally die. He was supposed to be excited because he could leave the walls, he was supposed to feel honored because this was an elite group and he had been allowed in, he was supposed to feel scared because his live was truly on the line. But the only thing he felt was relief because he had finally made it. This was why he lived, for this, and only this.

When Mikasa and Armin showed up at the headquarters the brunette was glad to see them, and he tried to see them as much as possible, because when he could look at them he knew they were alive and he knew they were happy. But when they looked at him their eyes held concern and sympathy and pain and he thought maybe it would be better if he wasn't there. He was being selfish by wanting to see them because when they looked at him they went from contentedness—which is hard enough to find in this world without someone interrupting—to worry. Eren seemed to cause discontent wherever he went—he made Hanji crazy, he made Corporal Levi annoyed, he made his team uncomfortable, and he even made people he didn't know scared shitless. His presence seemed to only bring pain.

But he wasn't allowed to die. Not yet. He had a job to do.

So he drank and he fucked and whenever he wasn't on a mission he maintained a constant lack of sobriety. These days, if he walked down the hallway he was lucky is he didn't see at least a few people he hadn't slept with. He was usually a quiet drunk, or high, or whatever he was on, but sometimes people would make him mad and he would lose it. He wanted to be hurt, so sometimes he looked for pain. He probably aggravated Rivaille way to often and he wasn't really sure whether the man had picked up on his sick masochistic reasoning behind it all yet or if the man just thought he was a reckless idiot.

One night he was particularly angry and especially fucked up, which was usually a bad combination. But he went to dinner anyways. When he walked in Mikasa and Armin were sitting with each other and holding hands and though this usually made him feel glad, that night he just felt bitter. He didn't want to sit with them but there were no others seats available that weren't next to either someone he fucked or someone who hated him, so he grabbed his portion and walked over to the couple despite the war raging inside his hazy mind.

He started to eat but he felt them looking at him, staring really. Eren felt uncomfortable at first but he figured they were just worried again. Not like he needed their sympathy. They shouldn't waste whatever little time they had left to live worrying about piece of shit like him. When Mikasa finally spoke, his suspicions were confirmed.

"Eren…you don't look so good today." And then, whispered, "What are you on?"

And then they wouldn't stop talking, he knew they were concerned but he really wished they weren't.

"Please, talk to us. Let us help up."

"Did someone hurt you again?"

"Do you need us to get you anything? More food? Some water?"

"Please don't take anything more today! You need to sleep, you're killing yourself!"

That one made him look up and glare at them weakly through the haze surrounding him.

"Yes, that's kind of the point. Your concern is really not necessary."

He was done with this conversation, he had clearly upset them with his presence and the only thing he really wanted was for them to achieve happiness. So he tried to remove himself as fast as possible but as he reached the door exiting the dining room he was nearly knocked over by Armin, who had pushed him to the side of the exit.

"Stop killing yourself!"

The blonde boy had screamed at him. And Eren was surprised, Armin hadn't screamed at him in years. He looked at the blonde and remembered the last time he had seen him this upset at him. It was when the two of them had fought about Eren wanting to enter the Survey Corps. That time the blonde had been angry about him having a death wish as well. The brunette wanted to comfort his friend, to tell him it was all going to be just fine, but right now Eren was tired. He'd been tired for a long time. He wished Armin would just go away; just go be happy with Mikasa. He wished he hadn't tried to eat tonight and disrupted the otherwise happy atmosphere.

When Eren looked around the rest of the room was quiet, watching them with interest. He really had caused a commotion. He hadn't just disturbed Mikasa and Armin, he had disturbed everyone. He felt his chest constrict and he really didn't want to cry in front of everyone so he got angry instead. He had wanted to say, 'I'm sorry, forgive me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.'

But it just came out sounding like, "Fuck you, Armin! I've done so much shit just to keep you and Mikasa alive; the least you can do is let me die!"

And he punched Armin. He really hadn't meant to, it just happened. And now he wanted to scream but he couldn't. He's wanted to scream for so many years and it's just been building up and up and up and UP. And then his mind sizzled and cracked and twisted and he was drunk and high and incredibly angry.

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you—"

The screaming brunette was cut off from his rant by a guy yelling, "Ok, but you gotta call me daddy!" from a table in the back. There were snickers and Eren snapped his head in the direction of the comment and saw the guy he had fucked last night. Though it was less like fucking and more like beating with some rape mixed in. Eren had said he wanted it, but he always wanted to be hurt. He craved pain, punishment, agony—and it was like a burning coal had just been released into the pit of his stomach and his mind lurched, the room spinning, and then he remembered. He remembered shivering on a street corner, he remembered being bent over with his face shoved into a wall and a clammy dick shoved into his ass, he remembered being small and helpless and covered in a cold sweat and hardening cum, he remembered whispering 'daddy…' because this one didn't pay him unless he said it over and over and over again until the drunk pervert had cum in his ass and all over his back and in his hair and on his face and—

He panicked.

So he screamed, "I'm not a fucking prostitute anymore!" because he couldn't—he couldn't.

But then the room was quiet again and for a moment no one said anything and then in a tight, quiet, dark voice Mikasa said, "What?"

And it was the scariest word Eren had ever heard in his life. So he ran.

~X~

No one had come for him when he bolted, and he hadn't expected them to. When Eren finally collapsed in a corner after running out of energy, he screamed. For the first time in his life, he allowed himself to scream for a reason besides anger. The brunette cried and screamed and fell asleep in a cold corner in an abandoned section of the castle and no one came. He got up in the morning and took a shower, but he didn't go to breakfast. He couldn't face anyone. They knew, and despite taking a shower in water that burned and scrubbing his skin raw, he felt dirty.

He avoided everyone for as long as possible but Mikasa eventually found him. She questioned and he talked and she said thank you and that was the end of that. She understood. This world was cruel.

Armin was less understanding. He had cried and screamed and told Eren 'he shouldn't have', told him 'he didn't have to', said 'he should have just let him die from sickness or they could have found another way or maybe he would have survived', and Eren had been forced to stop him because he just wouldn't stop crying. Eren had told him to look forward, that the past couldn't be changed. The brunette comforted the blonde, as he had always done, and then Armin left with Mikasa who had been standing quietly near the door, not saying a word.

He hadn't expecting anyone else to say anything really. He had already been dubbed a slut before his accidental slip and besides a few more jeers or inappropriate comments, things didn't really change.

Nothing changed, that is, until the day Mikasa was killed in battle. He had been fighting in his titan body but he had been pinned. He didn't mind, maybe—hopefully—this time it would kill him? But no, it killed Mikasa instead when the swooped in to save him. She had taken down the other titan, but it had taken her with him, and the only piece of her left as it ate the strongest woman he had ever known was an arm, which flew out of the titan's mouth and smacked him in the face.

Eren screamed as he slaughtered the rest of the titans and effectively finished the battle on his own, as the rest of the Survey Corps stood by watching, having been forced to stay out of the way or risk injury or worse, death.

And then, when the only one left standing was Eren, he collapsed. His titan body started to disintegrate and the last thing he saw before blacking out was the Corporal pulling him out. The brunette woke up in a bed and the first thing he remembered was Mikasa's arm hitting his face, her eyes dulling, her beautiful black hair dripping in blood. He grabbed a drink and went to find Armin. He knew the blonde would be upset but when he walked into the couple's shared room only to have blood splash him on the face and run down his body, he froze. Eren had entered just on time to see Armin end his life. The blue eyes were slid over to him and their eyes connected for a few seconds before the blonde whispered, 'I'm sorry" and fell forward and landed on his face at Eren's feet.

He stared at the body at his feet and he felt numb. He had lost everything, again. There was really no reason for him to keep fighting. The amount of titans was only increasing, and they were killing more and more of his comrades every day. Mikasa and Armin were dead—because of him. He had no one to protect. He had always known that there was really no hope but the concept of human extinction never truly hit him until just then because at that moment he knew. He knew they were all going to die. This pointless fighting was leading nowhere. It only bought a little time for the rich to keep living in the center of the city, sleeping and eating and meandering pointlessly. Really, Eren thought, a worthless cause.

He blinked a few times to clear his sight of the blonde's blood and bent down, picking up Armin's lifeless body gently and carrying him down from the room and outside of the castle. He collapsed once he reached an open spot and placed the blonde down lovingly. Turning, he began to create a fire. Once the fire was big enough he placed the blonde on it and watched as he slowly burnt to ash, not moving once until there was nothing left.

He felt numb.

He wanted to die.

He went to find his corporal. The man was sitting in his room with the door open and Eren knocked to get his attention. The man looked up and stared.

"Do you still need me?"

Levi looked at him and nodded. Eren nodded back and turned to leave, his face blank.

"Wait."

The brunette stopped and turned around slowly, not sure what the older man could possibly want.

"Come back in and close the door."

And for once in his life, the brunette actually properly followed orders. The two looked at each other for a minute and Eren thought that maybe the other's usually sharp eyes had softened a little. Levi sighed and studied the younger man's body.

He nodded towards his personal bathroom and said, "You're covered in ashes, take a shower."

So Eren did.

He took the hottest shower of his life. It felt like his skin was burning off and yet he still felt numb. He scrubbed until every inch of his body hurt, until his skin was pink, and his eyes were red, and his breathing was erratic. He scrubbed until he cried and collapsed and sat huddled in the shower until the water turned cold and he was shivering. And then he stood up and washed off and stepped out. Eren knew he had been in the shower for over an hour but the corporal didn't say anything when he came back into the room in a fresh set of clothes and looked around numbly. The brunette felt like he needed orders, like he didn't know what to do unless someone else told him. He was really only living as a shell now, a weapon, so what was the point of doing anything unless ordered to?

"Eren, I would like to offer you something."

He looked at Levi.

"Corporal?"

Levi looked at him.

"First, do you want me to help you? I can't give you help unless you want it."

Eren thought for a minute. Did he? He honestly just wanted to die. There was no one left. There was nothing left. There was no purpose to existing. Maybe the older man would allow him to die?

"Will you help me die, sir?"

Levi frowned at him.

"No, but I can help you live."

He doubted anyone could help him live but if the older man wanted to try, who was he to stop him? So when he asked a second time, "Do you want me to help?" Eren said,

"Yes."

"I can't make you love yourself, but I can love you. I can make love to you. I don't think anyone has ever done that for you, have they?"

Eren was actually shocked. Did the man think he was a virgin? Even after he slept with half the Survey Corps, even after he accidentally announced his history of prostitution? He'd had sex so many times he could barely count, and he really didn't want to. He was tired of it, it only ever hurt. He always felt like shit afterwards. And he certainly wasn't in the mood to be Rivaille's sex toy after having just watched Mikasa sacrifice herself and Armin's lifeless body burn to a crisp. He was almost insulted. Without noticing it, a small frown crossed his face.

"Sir—"

"Levi."

"Levi, I assure you, I am definitely not a virgin."

The man just looked at him with his steel eyes, his body relaxed.

"That was not what I asked. I didn't ask if you've been fucked, if you've had sex, if you've been raped. I know the answers to those questions. I want to know if someone has ever made love to you. If someone has ever taken the time to explore you're body, kiss you, caress you. I want to know if anyone has ever taken you gently and slowly and lovingly, if someone has ever really felt you and allowed you to feel them in return. I want to know if anyone has ever made you feel happy and content and cared for."

Eren stared at him, his heart pounding, pupils blown wide. He parted his mouth in a quick gasp to fill his constricting lungs. He felt…nervous.

And he said in a small voice, "No, sir."

The older man smiled at him and corrected him, "Levi."

Eren gulped quietly and whispered, "Levi…"

The older man stood up and walked over Eren, putting his hands on his shoulders gently and looking calmly into his eyes, and asked, "Would you like me to?"

And Eren whimpered a quiet yes into his shoulder as he leaned into his corporal, clinging to him.

The older man slowly began to divest Eren of his clothes and then ushered him softly over to the bed. Levi removed his own clothes quickly and then moved to hover above the younger man. He gave a small smile before leaning in to kiss Eren and card a hand through his hair. That same hand slid gently down his neck and over his collarbone and then moved to stroke his side comfortingly as the kiss deepened. Eren mimicked his movements and begin sliding his hands along the older man's body, and for a while that was all there was. Quiet, deep kisses and gentle caressing touches.

Eren's heart wasn't beating fast, but each beat reverberating through his whole body, making him shiver. He wasn't moaning, but he was gasping into their kiss and he wanted to just suck Levi into his body. He wanted to be connected and complete and together. The touches were so soft, so caring, so perfect and Eren could feel his body quivering in pleasure.

By the time they finally connected the younger man was crying, not from pain, but from happiness. He felt happy to the very core of his soul and it was so good it almost hurt. Their love-making was slow and the older man slid in and out of him the same was his hands caressed his body—unhurried, soft, meaningful. It was the longest time he ever had sex and it was beautiful. It lasted hours and when they finally finished Eren was left whimpering and clutching onto Levi, using him as his only source of strength and comfort. They wrapped their bodies around each other and held on as if the world would come crashing down around them if they let go. And Eren hadn't really thought about it before, hadn't allowed himself to think about it because it meant happiness, and he wasn't allowed that—except now he was—and he thought that maybe he could love Levi. He could love this man.

And he thought to himself, 'this world is cruel…

"…but also beautiful."

Levi looked down at him, questioning, and Eren shook his head slightly and smiled.

"I think I could love you," he said.

And Levi said, "I already love you."

And they both smiled and Eren thought that, 'Yes, this world is cruel, but also very, very beautiful.'