Choices

Jay woke up before the sun was rising above Chicago; he hadn't slept much that night. To be precise he hadn't slept well in five weeks. Since the day he found the letter on the floor under his front door.

"Dear Jay,

I know what I'm doing is the cowardly way but I knew if I had to tell you what I am about to tell you in person, you would have convinced me to stay… So here I am, writing a letter to the one person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with."

He pulled his shirt over his head and stepped out of his boxers. The air was cool in the bathroom, he cursed himself for not informing the landlord about the broken heater. Jay stepped into the shower and his muscles automatically relaxed as the hot water hit his skin. He grabbed the shampoo bottle from the bath caddy. He opened the bottle and squeezed. He squeezed pressed harder but the bottle was empty.

"Shit, Shit, Shit !" He shouted into the now steamy bathroom. He threw the bottle away. He groaned when it flew into the wall and landed back in front of his feet. He needed all his strength not to scream in that moment. The hurt he felt was indiscernible. Jay steadied himself with one hand on the cold wall the other covered his eyes in frustration as his fingers danced along his temples edge.

" You know that after what happened to Nadja I wasn't the same person anymore. I couldn't see any meaning in life and I fell into a black hole with alcohol and drugs. I know I hurt you, but you have to believe me when I tell you that it wasn't my intention. I just didn't know how to deal with it then."

Jay's fist hit the wall.

Hard.

Blood dropped down and mixed with the warm water that still ran down his body. He knew from the moment she wasn't at her desk that particular morning a few days after Nadja's death, that something was wrong. He went to Voight for answers but all he said was that Erin had stepped off the unit. Jay knew better than to go to her house and try to convince her otherwise but when he thought about it now he was sure that he had made the wrong call. He should have been there, should have pushed harder, should have spoken a word of power. But instead he let her be.

Gave her space.

He was sure the love he shared for her would be strong enough for both of them and she would come home to him. But she hadn't.

The guilt was eating him alive.

He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. He bandaged his hand before he grabbed a full set of clothes from his closet and dressed himself for work.

Work wasn't the same without his partner. It was dark and violent. He worked with Antonio mostly. But they hadn't talked much, except for work stuff, he hadn't told anyone about the emptiness he felt insides his heart. Not even his brother Will. He could tell that Will suspected something but he was wise enough to not ask any questions. Will always knew when not to push. Jay had to talk to someone eventually but that day hadn't come yet. He wished he knew how his life would go from here but he didn't. He felt numb. Words from of the letter still circled around in his head.

"You were always my rock. My second half. My soulmate."

Why had she left him then? If these words were true? He couldn't understand her, he was always there for her, she said it herself. What did he do wrong? He didn't know. These words hunted him day and night until he wasn't able to get rid of them.

"I need to find myself, I need to figure out a way to get better without the violence in our lives. That is why I had to leave. I am so sorry for leaving you in the dark and for just disappearing but I knew that you would have made me stay and that would have ended badly for the both of us. I'm empty inside Jay and it wouldn't be fair if I dragged you down with me. You need to understand that I am trying to protect you. I know it hurts like hell shit but believe me when I tell you that you deserve a life without darkness. I want you to find the right girl, I want you to marry that girl and have kids. I want you to be happy."

Didn't she know that she was his happy ending? He hadn't cared a bit about her past. He hadn't had the best past either; he always thought that was why they understood each other so well. The noise at the precinct pulled him out of his thoughts. It was still early morning but people were already running around working. He greeted a few officers he knew and buzzed himself into the top floor where the unit was stationed. As he walked to the desk opposite from his one, he already knew that this was going to be another crappy day in a row of crappy days.

Erin watched her face in the mirror in her one bedroom apartment. It was always all grey and dark but she didn't mind. In fact it suited her mood. She had found it after her second day in the city. She stumbled upon on it per accident as she checked a board at a University. Someone was looking for a tenant. So she called the number and got the flat the same night. Yes it was cruel to take the place away from an actual student but she kept telling herself that it only was until she was back standing on her feet again.

She's gotten a little bit of color in the last few weeks, but her face still showed her emotional distress. The first three weeks were the hardest. She had left in a hurry knowing she would change her mind if she didn't leave immediately. And that is what she had done. She had packed a bag and wrote a letter. She had dropped it of in the middle of the night before going to the airport.

" I love you Jay Halstead, with all my heart, I love you. But you have to forget me like I have to forget you too. It wouldn't be fair to ask you to wait because I don't know when I'll feel healed enough to come home. I have to start new. I have to be somewhere else, I have to be somewhere where I'm free to be anybody but me. I want to take this as a chance to start a new life. Please forgive me for everything I've put you through.

Goodbye Jay

Love Erin "

She stood in front of Jay's door, tears rolled down her cheeks and dropped to the floor. She took the letter out of her coat and pushed it through the gap between the floor and the door. Erin thought about knocking, her fist already in mid air as she remembered why she was going to leave him behind. He deserved better than her, a girl who was empty inside with no more love to give. When her eyes landed on Nadjas dead body all she felt was guilt, and it was nagging at her. She couldn't get rid of it by herself so the drugs helped. She knew she could have reached out but she also knew Jay had a past himself, a past he had kept to himself because it was too painful to talk about. So Erin decided not to drag him down this road with her. No she had made up her mind and fell into old habits. And before she'd even noticed she had fallen in too deep. There was no light at the end of the tunnel.

At the airport she bought a one way ticket and made her way through security to the gate. A few hours later she landed in the city she always dreamt of as a little girl; New York. So here she was, trying to get her life together in a new City with a new job. But what she had learned the hard way was that out of sight didn't mean out of mind.

She worked as a barista in a small coffee shop in a side alley somewhere near Central Park. She liked her new job, it was light, friendly even. But it also was busy and chaotic, something Erin liked. It helped her forget a little bit during the day and also made her stay away from the drugs, but at night she would still lie awake for hours trying to get at least a few hours of sleep. Erin started to like her new life, even if it was simple. As the days went by she noticed the change she was making. Maybe it also had something to do with the fact that she still talked to Dr. Charles over the phone every week, and that she'd found an AA group in a church nearby. She visited the meeting at least two to three times a week. She felt good talking to someone who was giving her good advice instead of judging her.

Weeks past and he barely noticed. He felt numb inside. "This isn't a good way to live, you have to move on," Will had told him one night at Molly's. He hadn't responded and walked out of the bar instead. He knew that this wasn't healthy and he also knew that he had to move on eventually but he just wasn't ready to let go yet. He had never cared for another woman in quite the same way as he had for Erin. She was the lid to his pan. She made him want to be a better man. She was his soulmate, his fairytale. So how could he give that up so easily after only a few weeks? He wouldn't give up and he sure as hell wouldn't give in. Suddenly his mind was clear. He had chosen to fight for his love.

The next thing he knew, he was working on a plan to find Erin and called in all favors he had left.

One day on a Friday he finally found out where Erin had gone, not from the people he had asked, no, from Kim Burges. She had approached him to ask him if he'd also gotten a postcard from Erin. He'd asked her where it was sent from and she had told him that it came from New York.

At the end of the day he went to Voight's office and told him that he was going to take a few vacation days because of a family matter and then left the building and headed straight to the airport. Jay was already late but he had made it in time to board the airplane. He had brought the letter with him, and while the plane had taken off into the sky he had read it over and over again, asking himself if he had made the right decision.

A few hours later his plane landed in New York City.

He took a cab that brought him to his already booked hotel near time square. It was fucking expensive but it was worth it. He had booked the cheapest room he could find and it had to be near the center so this was his only option. Apparently this was the only room left because of an event that was placed in the City for the weekend. Lots and lots of people walked and ran around the street which made getting a cab to the hotel entrance difficult.

He'd walked a few steps and was almost run over by a guy in a suit. Jay cursed under his breath as he lifted his coat from the floor which had fallen down by the incident. Once inside he could breathe again. He checked in and went straight for his room on the first floor. The room was beautiful, but very small. The walls were painted in a dark green and the furniture was made of dark wood. The bed was placed on the opposite side of the window. Jay closed the curtains and sat down on to the bed. He was here, he really had done it. Now he had to figure out how to win back his girl.

Erin woke up early, she made her way into the shower with closed eyes but when she pulled on the handle for hot water she almost jumped out of her skin as the cold water hit her. She forgot that it was freezing first before it got hot. Why was this stuff always happening to her? She stepped out of the shower again and waited for the hot water to come out. Today was a special day; she was sober for over seven weeks and for the first time she felt that some weight had left her shoulders.

She thought about bailing on the meeting tonight but changed her mind when the past caught up with her again. These damn images just wouldn't leave her alone, they were always floating through her mind. Some days she managed to get rid of them but some she couldn't. Today was a good day, the fact that she had managed to stay sober for seven weeks made her proud and that really really helped. She caught herself smiling at that as she washed her hair.

Erin stepped onto the pavement and took a moment to breath in the city. A familiar feeling spread in her belly as her skin tickled. She closed her eyes for a moment to capture the feeling she just now knew she missed since she had left him.

"No no no nonononono." she shook her head. She had to get rid of the feeling. She couldn't allow herself to think of him, she would fall back in to that same darkness she was in when she had left Chicago. She had to let him go. "Let him go" she whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek. "Today was supposed to be a good day!" She said out loud to remind herself. She took a long breath and opened her eyes. Her hand grazed over her wet cheek. She pulled herself together and made her way to the coffee shop she was working at. Her shift started soon and she had to be on time. She could not afford to be late and lose the one thing that kept her busy.

As much as she wanted it to, the feeling wouldn't go away. It stayed until she started with her work. Then suddenly as fast as the feeling had come it was gone.

Erin... She really was here, in New York. He was standing across the street from her small rented apartment. He was standing there since 4am because he couldn't sleep knowing she was nearby. He felt like a stalker but that didn't change the fact that he was eager to see her. He was excited like a little boy. And then, when she finally stepped out and he saw her again after this long time, he suddenly was afraid. His emotions switched between excitement to angst. Thoughts like; what if she was over him? What if she doesn't want to see him went through his mind and when he remembered the letter, he stepped back into a side alley.

He kept his eyes on her not ready to let her go just yet and as Erin started walking he followed. She went inside a little coffee shop and he decided to wait and see where she was headed next. Creepy Stalker he thought to himself but pushed the thought away again fast. Erin hadn't come out again. She was working here. The realization hit him. Suddenly he felt stupid, he almost ran away from the scene in front of him. His thoughts ran wildly through his head. She had built a new life in a new city with a new job. Why the hell had he come here? He should have known better. Erin was a fighter, he knew it! He knew she would make it eventually and she'd made the decision that she wanted to do it without him. She had a new life here and he was going to remind her of her old life again. He was a selfish ass.

He found himself sitting on a bench in Central Park. His head buried in his hands. He felt himself getting angry. Time had passed, he didn't know how much but it felt like hours. The sun was high above the city skyline and shone through the trees leaves. The sun on his skin felt warm. He closed his eyes for what felt only a second and tried to clear his mind. Somewhere far away he heard his name being called.

"Jay?" A familiar voice asked again. Jay slowly opened his eyes. And there she stood. In front of him with the sun at her back and her lunch package in her left hand. She was beautiful, her hair was messy from work and a small shiver of sweat lingered on her skin. He watched her watching him. Their eyes locked and minutes went by with neither of them moving or talking.

Jay opened his mouth to say something when he watched her turn around and leave. He was on his feet in a matter of seconds. Chasing her through the now very crowded park. "Erin wait. " He shouted but she hadn't made a sign to stop. He saw her brown hair walk through a group of nuns but when they were walking by Erin was gone. He had lost her.

Erin couldn't breathe. The darkness of her thoughts surrounded her mind. Her hand held on to her neck as if her life depended on it. With the other hand she steadied herself on a tree. What the hell had just happened? Why was he here? Was he here or was that his twin no one knew about? Erin's forehead hit the bark and she cursed under her heavy breath. Jay, he really was here, in New York. She still couldn't progress what just happened. But then it hit her like a brick wall.

He'd come for her... and she ran!

Again.

No, she had done the right thing. This wasn't supposed to happen, he deserved better. She was a mess, she did better than a few weeks ago yes, but she still was very fragile. She wasn't ready for anything right now, hell she was glad to get through the days without getting consumed by darkness again. Her breathing got back to normal. She turned around to lean with her back on the tree. She opened her eyes again, straightened herself and left the park in a hurry without looking back. Her lunch long forgotten somewhere on the ground she made her way back into the coffee shop to finish her shift.

Jay had a hard time processing what just had happened, he had found her, it wasn't the way he planned their first meeting after such a long time. Accidental nature had ruined his plan big time. She had run away from him again with not even a word. He thought about leaving the city and her behind but then something reminded him when he saw her eyes as they stared at each other. He could see in her eyes that he still meant something to her. He was sure of it. And that was what made him stay. Jay went back to his hotel room to gather his thoughts. He took a cab back to the hotel and he stayed in.

He felt Erin's soft hair on his chest tickling him. His fingers circled on her skin and made her shiver. She had giggled at that and tried to flee out of his embrace but he'd hold her in place. He had placed a kiss on her temple and told her he loved her before they were interrupted by their cell phones.

He woke up. He knew it was a dream the moment it started but he didn't want it to stop. The dreams were always over way too soon for his liking. In his dreams he could be with her, allow him to remember without feeling that heavy weight on his chest. It was late and already dark outside. Dinner had already been served and now he was angry at himself for falling asleep in the middle of the afternoon.

He lifted his coat from the floor and made his way out of the hotel into the never sleeping city. He walked in the direction he'd gone earlier when he'd followed Erin to look around for a restaurant. The streets were busy and he could see a lot of young people heading for the nightlife. He found a diner a few blocks away. The smell of fried food hit his nose as he opened the door and stepped inside. He got into a booth in the far corner and took a look at the menu even though he already knew what he was going to order. The waitress came a few minutes later and took his order. Jay leaned back in to the booth and waited for his food to arrive.

Erin was lying in her bed watching the lights of cars pass by on the ceiling, her mind trying to sort out the events of the day. She felt guilty. She had hurt him again. She knew that. She had heard his heart break the moment she turned around and she heard it again when his voice called her name. But she hadn't stopped, no she went on walking in the other direction, away from him for his own protection. Was it for his protection or was it for hers? She couldn't answer that question anymore if she was honest. Why was she doing this? Why had she gone in the first place? All these questions she asked herself over and over again.

She picked her phone up from the floor from where she had put it and before her brain could catch up with her actions she had dialed his number.

It rang...

And rang...

And rang...

After the fifth time it went to voicemail. "This is Jay's phone; you know what you have to do after the peep." She listened to it before she hung up. She stared at the screen on her phone where his name was listed in the contacts. She hadn't thought he'd pick up after all she had done to him but deep inside she hoped that he still loved her, that he still believed in her even if there was nothing left to believe in. She called again just to listen to his voice on the voicemail. Her eyes filled with tears. There it was the realization which she should've had weeks ago. He loved her, he always had loved her and she had pushed him away. Over and over again she had pushed him away. He had never given up on her, not even when she had fled the City. He had come after her. And why would he have done that if it wasn't love. He came because he loved her. It was as simple as that. She could see it in his eyes everytime she looked at him. Her heart rate went up at the sudden clearness that formed inside her brain. She hit her forehead with her hand for her stupidity. Deep inside she felt her heart clench because she knew that it already was too late now. What had happened today was the last straw he needed to finally understand that she was done with him. But she had to try anyway. She got out of the bed and put on some clothes. Erin dialed Burges number and waited for her friend to pick up the phone.

After finishing his Burger Jay made his way back to the hotel. Once he got rid of his sweaty clothes he took a quick shower. Only with a towel around his hips he stepped out of the bathroom and opened his suitcase, a few seconds later he found what he was looking for. He put on boxers and a black pair of sweats which sat low on his hips. He went back into the bathroom to brush he teeth and get ready for bed. He was tired from everything that had happened maybe giving her space was the right thing to do here and that's why he had decided to fly back home in the morning. He slipped under the cold sheets on the bed and switched of the lamp on his nightstand. The room was filled with light. Great, he thought. He had forgotten to close the stupid curtains. He swung himself out of bed and made his way to the window when he heard a knock on the door.

Erin stood in front of the door that was supposed to be Jay's hotel room. Kim had found out for her by spying on him in the police servers. When she had the address she hadn't wasted any more time, Erin had taken her coat and ran out. All the way she ran, she prayed that she wasn't too late. She hated herself for not realizing it sooner. She had hidden her feelings for too long, had denied them even. As long as she could think, she had always run away. It was time to change that. As she had written in the letter to Jay, she loved him. He was it, he was her happy ending. Standing in front of that closed door felt like hours to her. Her heart was beating heavily in her chest.

And then the door opened.

And he was standing there in just his sweats and bare feet with the doorknob still in his hand piercing her into the spot she with his blue eyes.

They didn't move just looking at each other. Erin had a hard time keeping her eyes on his face, she could sense his muscles flex under his skin as a cold shiver ran down her neck over her spine. She hoped that he hadn't noticed and continued to look into his eyes. Neither of them ready to ruin the moment by not knowing how this scene was going to end.

Jay opened his mouth to say something, there was a flicker of something in his eyes that she couldn't place, Erin stopped him by lifting her hand up ignoring it. Confused he tilted his head to the side. "Remember when you said one day?" She whispered and continued before he could respond. "I think that day may be today. I am so sorry for all I have done to you, I'd totally understand if you don't wanna see me ever again." Her eyes roamed over the floor and linked back with his as she waited for a reaction that never came.

She nodded and was about to step back when she felt his strong arms grab her by her shoulders. Jay pulled her into his broad chest. He moved them inside his room and closed the door with his feet. She knew he wouldn't let go of her not even if the world caught fire. And she let him. He pressed her into the door, he caged her with his whole body, she couldn't move an inch and she knew that he wasn't risking her running again. She felt her coat falling to the floor along with her shirt and bra, followed by her trousers and panties. The chill that she felt was replaced by the heat his body held. His right hand suddenly grabbed her chin, the touch wasn't gentle, his grip was firm. He made her look at him and she saw all the emotions he had held back until to this point. There was anger and fear, passion and lust. His grip tightened some more, his body pressed into hers some more but their skin barely touched. His weight heavy on her naked body.

And then his lips slanted over hers, hard. Erin's body reacted immediately her back arched forward and her breasts touched his chest. Her nipples hardened with every stroke over his skin. Feeling his hand moving down her neck, then over her breast and down to her stomach; she felt him stroke over her clit. She moaned into the kiss her body pressing them further away from the door but his other hand pressed her back. The cold of the door ran through her body. Shivering and heating up at the same time she closed her eyes. Feeling Jays tongue following the same path his hand had before she knew what was coming. Her breath got heavier with every inch his tongue made down. She pressed her hands flat on to the door as to hold herself.

" Spread your legs!" A flare of anger swung in his voice. She obliged. His hot tongue stroking over her already wet folds. His strokes took her higher and higher, she could feel her orgasm build deep inside her. Her nails dug in to his skull, pulling on his hair. "Look at me, I want you to see me when you come." As she opened her eyes she found one of her legs lying over his shoulder, the scene which presented itself to her made her fall over the edge. A scream of pleasure echoed in the small hotel room and if Jay hadn't kept her in place with his strong arms, her legs would have given way under her.

He hadn't let her take a breath. He kissed her and she could taste herself on his lips. As if she weighed nothing he lifted her up. Her legs moved around his waist on their own accord. He walked them over to the bed and let her down gently, never letting go of her. The cold sheets made goosebumps erupt all over her body. He was looking at her from above, his features had softened a bit when he whispered; "Never leave me again Erin." His eyes roamed over her face as if to memorize every inch of her hunted face. She looked at him wide eyed. Not knowing what to say, so she nodded instead. "Say it Erin, I need to hear it. I need to hear you telling me that this is it. That you chose to come here to be with me no matter what is going to happen, I need to know that the ghost's who haunted you and made you run away from me so many times is in the past, and that it won't make you run again. I need to be sure you'll stay here with me. I need to know and I need to hear you say it." He looked her straight in the eyes, reveling all the pain that haunted him. He tilted his head to the side, his features tense as the seconds passed by. Her husky voice filled the room.

" This is it." She lifted up her head and put a gentle kiss to his lips. "This is it, I love you Jay Halstead and even though I still have demons I have to fight I know now that I don't need to run away to deal with them. I am sorry that I didn't it realize sooner but I am here now and I promise that I won't run again as long as you won't let me go."

She kissed him again and this time he kissed her back.

She could feel his cock through his sweats on her stomach. His hand joined hers as they he pulled them down. They landed on the floor with a muffled thud.

Her fingers stroke over his shaft. Their kiss deepened. Moans filled the air around them. Jay entered her slowly, filling her, feeling her tight walls around him. He stopped for a moment silently asking for permission to go on.

She felt him tense above her and interrupted their kiss. Her eyes opened, Jay was hovering above her, looking down at her with his blue blue eyes. The expression his face held almost made her cry, all the love he had for her was written there, she could see it and suddenly the pain she felt had vanished. She didn't know if it was gone forever or just for this moment but she didn't care. She now knew that she could heal. Before he could move she pulled him down and kissed him, their body heat tangled them together as he started to move inside her.

He kept her under him, hold her tight to his body. Never letting go he pushed into her, harder with every stroke. Erin's moans filled the room, the lights of the city streets dancing on the walls. Their sweat mixed together, his chest brushed over her hard nipples, her legs moved around his waist, pulling him closer to her. He felt her nails digging into his skin, scratching and stroking. Her back arched up into his body, more sweat, more heat, more screams until she finally let go and burst into a million pieces beneath him. He followed.

It was dark, he felt Erin's body press further into his. They must have been asleep for a while now. Her change of position must have woken him up; he smiled as he looked down at her. Never after all that had happened these past few months had he believed he'd be here in a hotel room in a different city with his girl in his arms.

Even if he never gave up, there was a time he thought he had lost everything.

"Never leave me. " He felt her whisper against his chest.

"Never." He whispered back as he pulled her closer.

End

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