The Screwed

A fanfic by RebelX

Disclaimer: Metroid and all related indicia belong to Nintendo.

A/N: What's this? I'm actually posting stories again? Dear God, the apocalypse must be nigh! Seriously though, I would like to start by apologizing to the fans of my Zelda stories. I just...I can't write Zelda anymore. I think I've outgrown it. I do, however, still have a small collection of surprisingly good metroid stories. When I say surprisingly good, I mean that when I went back and read over them long after writing them I didn't moan at their complete crappiness. I should warn you that this is by no means finished yet, and I may never finish it (I have a bad habit of that), but I hope you at least enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Anyway. This is a silly little story inspired by how much shit the poor space pirates go through during Metroid Prime 2: Echoes. This takes place pretty near the end of the game, when Samus first enters the Sky Fortress. The chapters are pretty short, and I only have three of them, but I hope you'll enjoy them anyway. Happy reading!

A strange cackling sound drifts through the halls of the small space pirate complex on Aether. It originates from a strange dark figure clad in black armor that almost seems to glow in the dim light. Trails of blue sparks follow the being as it glides through the air, prowling in the shadows. A dark figure, clad in a dark suit, with a dark heart and a dark purpose…

Voices drift in from an adjoining room, and the figure pauses to listen.

"How many times do I have to tell you idiots before you get it through your thick skulls! Themetroids are NOT for target practice!"

The figure shakes with silent laughter as the pirate commander continues berating the young fighters for their stupidity.

"This is the third time this week! Don't you realize how dangerous these things are? 041 still hasn't regained brain function after his little mishap half a cycle ago, and you dunderheads still see fit to fool around with the things? Honestly, how many times did the doctor drop you on your heads at birth, huh? How can you be so stupid?"

The commander pauses for a moment to calm down and regain control of himself.

"You're both being put on reduced rations for the next two cycles, and if I catch you again, it will be three! Now get back to your posts!"

A chorus of "Yes sir!" follows, accompanied by the sounds of feet shuffling away and a door closing. Silence reigns. The dark figure pauses for a moment, then softly continues down the corridor. Poking its helmeted head into the room, the figure catches sight of the pirate commander typing furiously into a computer console. Stealthily the figure approaches, floating through the air so that its metal boots would not make any noise by crunching in the soft sand. It halts directly behind the unsuspecting pirate, curling its fingers evilly as it prepares to pounce. Its muscles tense, its eyes narrow, and then…

"BOO!"

"GYAAAAAGH!" the pirate commander jumps a good two feet in the air, executing a magnificent little mid-air twirl before crashing into the console back-first. He lays there, panting, his wide eyes soon narrowing as he recognizes the figure doubling up with laughter before him.

"Dark Hunter! You scared the bejeezus out of me! What are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?"

The figure, known as Dark Samus (a.k.a. the Dark Hunter), says nothing but continues laughing uproariously at the poor commander.

"Your face…oh, you should have seen the look on your face, Lukius, it was priceless…"

Lukius scowls darkly as he disentangles himself from the computer monitor.

"Did you come down here just to annoy me, or do you actually have something to report?"

Dark Samus snorts and crosses her arms. "You're no fun, you know that? All right, all right, yes I went to check out the entrance of that cliff fortress thing, and no I didn't see any signs of the Hunter. She must have split after she slaughtered those commandos- or gone deeper into the fortress, maybe."

"You mean you didn't check inside the fortress? Why not?"

"I'm hungry."

Lukius groans in exasperation.

"You just 'ate' half an hour ago!"

"I have a very fast metabolism."

The pirate glowers tiredly at her. "We do need some of the stuff for energy, you know."

"I thought you were using the metroids?"

"Well we are, but the confinement fields we're using to contain them keep malfunctioning and we're running out of the parts we need to repair them. Pretty soon they'll all break loose and we won't be able to enter the bio-energy division at all."

"Damn. Well, could you at least point me in the direction of some phazon ore in Dark Aether? Maybe the stuff in the hostile territories that you can't reach anyway…?"

"Yes, yes, certainly, hang on…"

He types something into the console, and a map appears on the screen.

"Here you go, right inside the cliff fortress. It's in this huge elevator right here."

"Ok, got it. I'll look for the Hunter while I'm at it. Don't worry, I'll have her head on a platter soon enough. Ciao!"

And with that, the dark hunter speeds off out of the room. Lukius shakes his head and returns to the console, where he continues writing up his report for High Command.

So far, it reads:

I am pleased to inform you that our status has gone from royally royally royally screwed to just royally royally screwed. This improvement comes from a vital, if somewhat shaky, alliance with the previously mentioned bioform, the Dark Hunter. We have struck an agreement in which we provide her (the female nature of the bioform has been confirmed) with phazon while she protects us from the shadowlings and actively hunts the Hunter.

I say that this alliance is shaky because, the Dark Hunter proves to be a very…

Lukius pauses as he tries to think of the correct phrase, glancing back at the spot where he'd last seen Dark Samus before she left the room.

…enigmatic persona with strangely childlike characteristics and a good deal of eccentricities. Still, with this conflict finally resolved our chances of succeeding in this mission have risen. Though the young soldiers are still complete morons, the metroids are continuously breaking free from their holding cells, the Hunter continues to devastate our forces, our energy is running out, our mining expeditions end with more casualties than productive phazon extractions, and the shadowlings possess our troops at every possible opportunity, we are quite confident that we still have a 5 percent chance of success.

We do humbly entreat you to send more munitions and troops, however, seeing as how we are still royally royally screwed. Enclosed is a list of parts given to me by the chief engineer which, according to him, we direly need if we are to maintain our base. Also, the chief of security has submitted a request that, if you do see fit to send more troops, that you do not send any more "damn rookies", as they are more likely to get themselves killed than do anything productive. And I have the inappropriate conduct reports to prove it.

End report.

Lukius chuckles softly to himself as he reads over his report. He'd give anything to be able to see the faces of those stuffed-shirts up at High Command when they read it. Of course, chances are he won't even see tomorrow, which is the reason why he dares be so callous and sarcastic in his report in the first place. Summoning the courage only those assured to their near end can have, he sends the report. With that out of the way, he turns around and skips away from the monitor, whistling. Certain death can have a funny affect on some people.

A/N: Told you it was short. Will post other chapters soon. Like...tomorrow, maybe. Review, please. Don't make me use the puppy dog eyes!