Lay Me Down
Summary: This is a SongFic set to Sam Smith's "Lay Me Down". Its common knowledge that any S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent Level 6 and above knows that Agent Phil Coulson died before the Battle of Manhattan; during the siege on the Helicarrier. Steve Rogers asked if he was married. What was not common knowledge: yes he was. Spoilers for the Avengers, Captain America Movies, and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. but not Compliant. Tissue Warnings apply, MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH.
Author's Note: I don't own the Avenger's, Captain America Movies, or Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – pretty sure Marvel's got them locked up tight on that. I also don't own Sam Smith's or "Lay Me Down" but the song just absolutely broke my heart and I couldn't think of a more fitting tribute. I am really sorry for this.
Verse One, Part One
He remembers the day that they got married in vivid technicolor – which shouldn't be possible considering that he'd had a concussion so bad he couldn't walk straight and the only other people (other than the old priest, the only one in town willing to marry two men) in the little church in Budapest were fairing no better with bullet holes and knife wounds. He doesn't personally remember how the mission went so pear-shaped, but none of the three of them - S.H.I.E.L.D.'s infamous Strike Team Delta thought they were going to make it out – and Natasha had, had enough of years of pining. She'd stood up in their little bolt-hole safe house, got them both on their feet, and drug her wounded handler and her staggering partner to that little church. The ceremony had been simple, giving in broken English, and no rings were ever exchanged. When the F.U.B.A.R.'ed mission had finally ended and they'd been rescued (finally extracted) by S.H.I.E.L.D., they'd filed all necessary paper work, got their collective ass's chewed by Fury, and never once thought to blame the redhead.
Now he stands alone in a cemetery staring at the gravestone bearing his husband's name, hating himself for not going to the funeral.
Verse One, Part Two
Even with their lives as S.H.I.E.L.D. operatives he'd always thought there would be more time. There would always be a next year, next month, next week, a tomorrow. Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, and Natasha Romanoff were the gods of S.H.I.E.L.D. – nothing could bring them down. Fury would have let them get away with just about anything – he let Barton make a different call and instead of killing the formidable Black Widow, S.H.I.E.L.D. got a brand new asset. He remembers the night they got married in Budapest – how once the smoke from the burning buildings finally cleared, how beautiful the night sky had been. Now there's nothing but darkness when he looks up because his husband is just gone. The sky had opened up and a few Norse gods fell down to Earth and Strike Team Delta were no longer the gods of S.H.I.E.L.D. They were just fractured and broken and unusable after such unmitigated loss.
Verse One, Part Three
So now he stands staring at the empty grave, burning with such a seething anger because he hadn't been there in his final moments. A deep black void of pain opens inside as tears track down his face. He doesn't remember when he started crying. Maybe it was when they told him his husband hadn't made it. Maybe it was when Fury reminded him that all Agents were cremated and all graves were empty and for ceremony only. Maybe it was when Nick and Maria Hill had presented him with the flag and thanked him for his husband's service to S.H.I.E.L.D. He doesn't want the flag. He wants his husband back dammit.
Verse Two, Part One
They'd made contingency plans of course in case this ever happened. He'd told him not to cry if he went out in a blaze of glory saving the world – because that's what he'd signed onto S.H.I.E.L.D. to do. Somewhere along the way he'd stopped believing that he wouldn't come back though. He had to come back to him – he was his husband – and he really didn't know how to live in this life without him. He'd just gotten him back!
Verse Two, Part Two
It becomes too much just standing there staring at the grave, slowly he sinks down to his knees. It's a nice grave: top of a knoll, shaded by a large oak, decorated by so, so many flowers. But everything is stands for is wrong. He reaches out to trace the name carved into the stone, laying near prostrate over the grave to the open where if the grave hadn't been empty, well, he'd be lying with his husband once more. He's not sure he can do this without him.
Verse Three
They say you can talk to the recently dead and they will hear your plea. He's not quite sure how that works without the body but he cries out to his dead husband all the same. He trembles as he retells stories of past missions that they'd been on together – successful and F.U.R.B.A.R.'ed, anything at all to draw him back. Anything.
Verse Four
He recalls to the cemetery the details of their Budapest wedding. How lovely and quaint – even if the Widow was standing by with the threat of violence if they didn't go through with it. He's still laying on the grave – nearly cold as death himself – babbling when the sun begins to dawn. The bouquet of African Violets has been badly crumpled and he's still trembling when the only witness to their wedding finds him on his husband's grave: The Black Widow. How fitting.
"This isn't what he would have wanted. Phil. Get up. I will take you home," She told him gently. After all, he has lost his husband – she has lost her partner.
"Tasha? I don't think I can. I can't do this without him. I need him. How could this of happened to Clint?"
"I don't know the answer to that Boss. I just know that with him gone it falls to us to take care of one another. I'm not going to let him down again. Up." Natasha Romanoff pulled the new Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. from his husband's new grave. Barely two weeks prior in a battle with Victor Von Doom, a building had collapsed under Clint Barton. She'd like to think that it was sudden and he'd had no time to call out for EVAC of make one of his crazy stupid jumps – but she'd seen how he'd been withdrawing thinking that his husband Phil Coulson had died in the Helicarrier siege he'd led (under mind control). She'd like to think that it was all an accident – a terrible, terrible accident that left him dead and finally going to be at peace with his husband. Or so they'd thought – until new S.H.I.E.L.D. Director Phillip J. Coulson came two days later begging to be told that it wasn't true.
As she leads Phil to her car – like she had for the past nine days since the funeral, she hopes for both of their sake's it was quick. Painless. Their graves are together at the very least. Even if they are both empty and one of the occupants is sitting right next me she thinks. And then wonders for how long.
Verse Five
Clint F. Barton-Coulson Phillip J. Coulson
01/07/1971-03/16/2015 04/02/1962- 5/6/2012
Devoted Partner/Loving Husband Devoted Agent
Fallen Avenger Fallen Avenger