Hey, so someone on Tumblr requested that I write a prompt about Toby and Spencer talking about kids, being pregnant, being with their kids, and this was hatched. It kind of sucks. Really, it's not good, but I'm posting. Hope you like it. Tell me if you do. :)
Happy, Little Family
They are coming home from a night at Hanna and Caleb's. They delivered some crazy news. Hanna's pregnant! The duo is going to be parents! It's rather exciting. She knew they have been trying, but now it's an actual thing. There's an actual thing living inside Hanna. She's three months along.
Toby and she have always been on the fence about children. They talked about a long time ago; before they were married or even engaged.
She was twenty-three, beginning her career. Toby was working on carpentry, trying to establish a small business for himself.
It was brought up casually. She honestly doesn't even remember how the conversation came to be. One minute meaningless rhetoric was being spoken and the next, they were in a deep depth, serious conversation about the prospect of having children.
"Do you want to have kids?" he asked.
"I don't know," she admitted, a little nervous of his reaction. "I've always been on and off about it...," she dared to focus on his topaz blue eyes. Surprisingly to her, he didn't look disappointed or saddened by this. Instead, he almost looked pleased.
"Me too."
She always thought Toby was pro-children. He's always the optimistic one between them. He's always the moral one; the one she gathered hope from. He was her light. He was loving, caring, protective and inspirational, the perfect combination of what a father should be. So when he agreed with her uncertainty about children, she was extremely caught off guard. She's always just assumed children were part of his life plan.
"Really?"
"Are you surprised by that?" he obviously noticed her raised eyebrows and skeptical stare.
She nodded sheepishly, closing her agape mouth.
"Why?"
"You've always seemed like a family guy to me," she offered.
He looked away at the TV. Some late night talk show was on. He raised a shoulder in a half shrug. "When my mom died... I wasn't sure I would ever want a family." He breathed out evenly.
Spencer nodded. It made sense. He lost his mom and through that, he kind of lost his dad too. Jenna came into his life shortly after and everything went to hell.
He looked over at his girlfriend, his head dangling sort of on the side. "It's gotten better since then, though. I was so sure I would never want children back then and now, now... sometimes I think it would be...," he spoke softly, his eyes drifting away in thought.
"Good for you?" she concluded his sentence.
His eyes flicked to hers. He just stared for a moment, watching her pupils closely. "Yeah," he breathed.
"Me too." She agreed, huffing out a breath. She looked away, taking a sip of her beer. "When I was younger, I would see these big, happy families. I used to try to imagine what it would be like to be part of that..." her mind drifted to her seven-year-old self, watching kids her age at the park, their parents pushing them on the swings while Spencer was always forced to do it herself.
She looked at her boyfriend after her reminiscing. "I never stopped wanting that," she confessed. He reached his hand forward, grabbing hers and squeezing it supportively. She smiled ruefully at him.
"My family only keeps getting worse, though," she sighed. "More and more dysfunctional, with more and more closets of skeletons being found," she shuddered at the thought.
She waited a moment before continuing. "I always thought, that maybe... If I had kids, I could have a non-dysfunctional, big, happy family."
Toby cracked a soft, somber smile at her, his thumb rubbing circles at her palm.
She sardonically laughed at herself a little. "The kind that goes to Disney World and the park, and doesn't have to guess which one of the neighbor's wives daddy's having an affair with."
Toby chuckled ruefully, shaking his head. He pulled on Spencer's hand, tugging her closer to him. She scooted over, her head falling into his shoulder, his arm wrapping around her. He rubbed her arm soothingly and looked at her with the most adoring eyes.
"All I know for sure, is that I don't want to have children if they're not yours too."
All she could do was smile at him, then kiss him.
They haven't discussed children since.
But now, she wants to talk about it. Now... Now, she might even be ready to say she wants one. Maybe not right this instant, but soon, most definitely. Hanna isn't even the first in their group to have a child. Aria has a four-month-old son. She doesn't know why it took Hanna getting pregnant for her to realize she wants this, but it was like an epiphany.
So, that night as they are doing laundry, Spencer brings the conversation up. Toby is folding and Spencer is putting dirty clothes into the washer. She brings it up casually.
"Wouldn't it be nice if we had a little helper around the house?" Spencer states, glancing at her husband as she throws clothes into the washer.
He is folding a T-Shirt. He finishes and puts it into the basket with the rest. He pulls another article of clothing from the dryer-her skirt-and begins folding it too. He has a curious look on his face, his eyebrows slightly caving in. "What? A maid?" he questions, slightly amused.
"No," she giggles, shaking her head. She finishes throwing the last of clothes into the washing machine. She goes to grab the detergent from the nearby table. She begins to pour it into the measuring cup. Her eyes on the cup, rather than her husband. "I mean, like a kid."
"Child slavery is banned, Spence," Toby puts the folded skirt in the basket. By the tone of his voice, it's obvious he's joking, but she is still unsure if he realizes what she is implying.
She pours the liquid soap into the washing machine, giving him a stern look as she does so.
He chuckles, picking up another piece of clothing from the drying machine. He begins to fold the shirt. She goes to measure fabric softener, not looking at him again.
"I mean... Our kid could help with laundry. We could start him off with laundry. By the time he was five, he'd be a better folder than a retail worker." She pours the fabric softener into the washing machine. She puts the cup back down and then closes the cap on the fabric softener. Toby still hasn't commented on her thoughts.
She braces him, looking up at him. He's not looking at her, though, his eyes are dead set on the cardigan he is folding. His eyebrows are pushed slightly together. There is a wrinkle above his brow. He is focusing rather hard on the piece of clothing...
She breathes out slowly, blinking away. She closes the washing machine and turns it on.
Toby finally says something once he is finished with the cardigan. He looks at her, sucking in a breath. "You're trying to replace me?" he feigns offense.
She smiles, but she is a little upset with the playful response. She wanted a real one. Toby obviously catches on to her disheartenment, for he says, "So, you want one, then?"
She shrugs, even though she is pretty certain she does.
He nods curtly.
"You want them to be in the same age group as Hanna and Aria's children?"
"I don't know," Spencer states honestly. She leans her side against the vibrating washing machine. Her eyes fall to the settings knob. "I'm not saying I want one right now, I'm just saying I want one," she declares bashfully.
Hair falls over her face. She peeks at him through the strands of auburn waves.
He closes the drying machine's door, even though there's still clothes left inside, and kicks the laundry basket full of clean clothes out of his path. He comes close to her, pushing back hair from her face. He has a whisper of a smile on his face. It makes her hopeful.
"You know I love you, right?"
She nods.
His hands grip at her shoulders. He rubs them a little before leaning in and kissing her. He kisses her three times, each time sensual and pleasurable. When he pulls away, his forehead touches her own. He plays with the ends of her hair. "If you're ready, I am too," he murmurs.
"Toby, really?" she asks happily.
He nods against her, a grin forming on his lips.
She beams at him, her smile expanding across her face, to her ears and reaching her eyes. She lunges her lips forward and into his. He pulls her closer. She is smiling into the kiss and he is too. They are both smiling so hard, it's difficult to kiss. "I love you," she murmurs, the words bumping into his lips.
He kisses her deeply, their bodies pressed together and their shirts riding up against one another. She cups his face in her hands, their lips gliding against each other, their noses brushing and their heart beats syncing. His tongue slips into her mouth and she parts her lips more. It was open-mouth before, but now it's a whole new kind of kiss. It's a kiss of instigation. They are frenching, big time. She pushes her tongue into his mouth, matching his ferocity.
He squats down a little, his hands engaging her body and pulling her up. He only holds her up for a few seconds, though. Soon, he is setting her on the washing machine. She giggles before biting down on his bottom lip, pulling it back.
Her hands go up his shirt. She takes it off him. They take everything off each other. They spread their dirty clothes all over the laundry room floor, apathetic to the mess. They have sex right there and don't even use protection. She doesn't know if it was the intensity of the moment, or if both of them simply just don't care.
Spencer doesn't end up getting pregnant then, though; instead, it happens a whole year later
That's when they both feel it is time. It is weird; it is almost the same exact time that they decide it is time. Toby is the one that asks if they can start trying. Spencer reveals she was already looking into her menstruating cycle and when the best time to conceive is.
It takes them two and half months for her to get pregnant, but they enjoy the relentless amounts of unprotected sex. It gives them a reason to do it all the time. Not that they really needed a reason anyway.
When Spencer takes the test, she takes three to make sure. They all read positive.
She tells him the news shortly after.
She goes to his office. She asks the secretary to say she is just a client. She has always been kind to her. She doesn't even ask why, she just smiles and nods, voicing Toby in to say a client is here for him.
Spencer walks into his office, trying to hold her smile in. He looks at her, dumbfounded and giddy. "Spencer," he shakes his head, "you're the client?" he asks. "What a nice surprise to see you."
He stands up and comes over, gathering her up in his arms and kissing her on the lips. She smiles, holding onto him and stroking the side of his face. "Are you having a busy day?" she asks.
"Not at all," he responds, sighing a little. He goes back to his desk, leaning his back against it, sitting on the edge of it.
She takes the seat right in front of it, looking up at him.
"It's been really slow. I was actually just about to head to the workshop..."
It's all in the same, small building. The workshop, the lobby where the secretary is, his office. He leases a little place downtown.
"Mmm, a lot of orders needing to be filled?"
"Only a few. But one of them is an entire house, so," he chuckles.
"Well, do you think you'd have time to build me something?" she requests, sucking in a breath. Her eyes brighten on him. She puts her hands in her lap.
"I always have time for you," he responds, smiling. He leans down, tugging on her hands, beckoning her to stand. She does so, leaving her purse on the chair. She stands in between his legs, both of her hands taken by his.
"What is that you want?" he questions.
She smiles softly, lacing her fingers through his. There's a twinkle in her mocha eyes. "A baby's crib, and dressing table, and... maybe even a toy chest."
He is looking at her in wonderment, his chin tilting downward and his eyes sparkling with awe. "Spence," he gasps her name. "Are you...?"
She nods, a grin bursting from her face and showing off her pearly, square teeth. "I am."
He chuckles in complete bliss, shaking his head. He leans in, his mouth rushing to meet hers. She kisses him, her lips begging to be touched by the pink, sweetness of his mouth. The kiss is smooth and seamless, filled with love. It's a kiss of jubilation and success like they've just landed on the moon.
He tastes like mint and smells like aftershave. Their bodies are close together, their hands still entwined. She wants to live in this moment for longer, this happy, go-lucky, moment. She wants to feel the mold of his mouth a little longer, the feel of his lips against her own.
She only peels back when she needs to breathe. Both of them pant, looking at each other, obviously breathless from the news and kiss, each other.
"I should let you get back to work," she states after a couple of beats.
He sighs, but nods, bringing her lips in for one last, sweet, kiss of goodbye.
¶
She tells her friends of her pregnancy. They are overjoyed for her and Toby. Hanna's son is now about six months old. Aria's son is sixteen months. They are already playmates. Douglas, Aria's son, has taken Hunter, Hanna's son, under his wing. They play together as Spencer and the girls discuss babies and pregnancy.
"Spencer, I'm so happy for you," Aria coos sweetly.
"How far along are you?" she asks. "You don't even look pregnant."
"That's because I'm only about fourteen weeks along," Spencer laughs breathily.
"That's not what I looked like at fourteen weeks," Hanna shakes her head. "I was bloating up then."
Spencer takes a sip of her tea. "Well, I've noticed a little bump," she looks toward her stomach.
Emily rolls her eyes. "You're imagining things, Spence."
"Oh hush," Aria tells her friends. "A mother always knows more than those on the sidelines..." she explains. "Fourteen weeks, that means you're close to finding out the sex!" she expresses excitedly.
"Let's hope it's a girl," Hanna states. "I want to be able to buy cute clothes for someone at least."
"You don't think you'll have any more kids?" Emily asks the blonde.
She shrugs. "Honestly, no. One is enough. I was an only child and I thought it was fine. I never once wanted siblings."
"Well, I for one, want more," Aria murmurs. "I at least want to try again for a girl."
"You never answered the question, Spence. What do you want the gender to be?"
"A boy, I think," she confesses. "Girls are so catty. Boys don't fall into groups with leaders like Alison DiLaurentis. Boys won't get into the kind of trouble we got into..."
A month later, though, the doctor reveals it's a girl. Spencer is happy still, though. She knows, deep down, either sex can get into mischief and trouble. In the long run, it doesn't matter. She doesn't care what the sex is. She is ecstatic its a girl. She will have a daughter, and being able to say that is enough to bring an everlasting grin to her face.
When she tells her friends the sex of the baby, they ask if she's disappointed. She says no.
"I'm going to buy her a whole wardrobe," Hanna nearly shouts in glee.
The blonde stays true to her word too. She buys a million outfits for Spencer and Toby's daughter. She is sure that her daughter has more clothing than Spencer herself, all thanks to Hanna.
¶
Spencer has been extremely jolly during her pregnancy. She never thought that'd be a word to describe herself with, but in this case, it is. She just feels so... optimistic and high. She's on cloud nine and feels like she's glowing. After the morning sickness ended, it's like the whole world moved. The world finally escaped the clouds and the sun was able to shine through, illuminating her in a luminous and radiating light.
The world seems brighter and better. Everyone around her seems nicer. Maybe they are just being kind because of her pregnancy. People tend to treat pregnant women better. But it's not just the people. It's the world. It's more beautiful.
Toby took her to the beach a few days ago. They sat on the shore, watching as the sun set on the horizon of the blue water. The clouds gathered around the sun in colors of pink, purple and orange. It was so incredibly stunning. She's never seen such a wondrous sight.
But the thing is, she keeps seeing these beautiful, stunning things. It's like she was completely missing them before. She is just know seeing the world's beauty now and she never wants to miss its pleasing aesthetic again.
It's fall. The leaves are changing colors. She's never noticed how many colors there are. She's never looked long enough to realize it's not just red, orange and yellow. It's a whole spectrum of colors; a whole wheel. The world is vibrant and colored, and so is she.
Toby and her walk through central park, his hand in hers, her hand in his.
She's five months pregnant and has blown up. It took her awhile, but it's finally obvious that she's bearing a child-their daughter.
"It's all so beautiful," she murmurs.
"What?" Toby asks.
"The world," she smiles contentedly, looking over at her husband. His blue eyes, his warm smile, his chin dimple. She's in love with him and the world.
He leans in, giving her a chaste kiss on the lips. Before pulling back from her completely, he mutters something. "You're the most beautiful thing in it."
Her cheeks burn red. She is more beautiful than every sunset and dying tree; more stunning than the mountains in spring; more dazzling than a blizzard in the middle of the woods.
She doesn't agree, but she doesn't argue. She just kisses him back.
Their time at central park and the beach become very limited. They are so busy with baby preparations. They have a baby shower to plan and register for. The nursery needs tending to. Paint samples must be taken attention to. Parenting books line up to be read. The baby is coming quickly.
When she is six months pregnant, they paint the nursery. They paint it a pastel teal, ignoring the society's set gender roles of color. Yes, they are having a daughter. No, her room will not be pink.
They paint the walls, the sounds of radio songs behind their laughing and conversation. Spencer turns on the oldies station. Beat It by Michael Jackon comes on, and Spencer ends up singing along as she paints a section of the wall.
She catches Toby smiling at her. She stops then, bashfully looking away and smiling sheepishly.
"Come on, don't stop," he begs, dropping the paint roller back into the bin. He strolls over to her. She sets her paint brush in the can and faces him with a timid gaze.
"No," she shakes her head, laughing a little. "I only will continue if you sing with me."
He cocks his head to the side, a grin widening out on his face. He then bellows out into the chorus. She guffaws, picking up the lyrics, singing them with her husband. She whips her head back and forth, getting into it. Her hair slaps against her face, her auburn locks going everywhere.
They sing with more volume, beating out the noise of the radio. They fall into a hysteria of laughter, extreme joy radiating off both of them.
¶
Toby is the most perfect person in the world to have during pregnancy, she is sure of it. His devotion to her is unconditional. Whenever she needs something, he's there for her. Whether she is having a random, out-of-the-blue craving or feeling exhausted or achy, he is there. He hasn't let her down. He listens to her pregnancy complaints and rubs her shoulders. He makes her tea and gives her massages. He does everything for her.
Every day, he gives a kiss to their daughter. She isn't even sure if he realizes it's a daily thing, but Spencer notices. She sees Toby's love for their daughter already. She is already completely positive he'll be an amazing father.
They are in bed. Spencer's back is against the headboard, her legs laid out in front of her. Her feet are in Toby's lap, his hands massaging them.
"Do you think she'll have your eyes?" Spencer asks.
"I hope not."
"Do you think she'll have your smile?" Spencer waits a moment before asking.
"If we're lucky, no."
Spencer laughs, shaking her head with a slight eye roll. She has her hands on her stomach, tapping her fingers on her round, big, bump mindlessly. "Well, what do you think she'll look like?"
Toby meets her in the eye, a smile dancing over his lips. "A newborn with a six pack."
She chuckles, remembering a similar, very frivolous conversation with Toby in high school. They were talking about his truck. Spencer called it his baby. That prompted Toby to ask what their baby would look like if they had a real one. Spencer said, "I'm picturing a newborn with a six pack." Back then, they had only been joking. But now, now Spencer is really thinking it over. She is really trying to picture what their daughter will look like.
"I hope she looks everything like you," Toby says after.
"Awh," she beams at him, her mocha eyes gleaming over with sure adoration. "Well, I hope she is everything like you. I hope she has your heart and your mind and morals."
A doting smile covers his face, coming to his ears and crinkling his eyes. He crawls up next to her, ditching her feet. (He was massaging them for about an hour already anyways.) He leans in, kissing her lips tenderly. The kiss is filled with affection and elation. They get lost in intimacy and lust, the conversation never having a chance to survive the heat igniting between them.
¶
She is in labor. Her contractions are close and painful. Her water has broken.
Toby drives her to the hospital, breaking a few traffic laws as he does so. Spencer struggles to remain calm. When has Spencer ever remained calm? Toby keeps telling her to anyway, though. Stay calm. Relax. Breathe. She is glad he is here, telling her these things, because, without him, she'd just be a mess. She'd be having a brain aneurysm or developing an ulcer. He keeps her calm. He relaxes her. He reminds her to breathe.
Her friends come to the hospital. Aria is four months pregnant and the mother of twenty two-one-month-old. Hanna is the mother of a twelve-month-old. She realizes her friends are amazing, willing to put their busy lives aside for her.
She takes the drugs the doctors offer. Toby lets her squeeze (break) his hand. She cries and screams and pants, begging her daughter to come out. It takes six hours, but finally, finally their daughter is born on February 21rst at 10:33 PM, three days before her due date.
Toby cuts the cord, crying. She is crying too. She was crying as she was pushing her daughter out. Those tears came from exhaustion and pain, but now, now she is crying tears of joy. She feels so infinitely happy. She is so, so jubilant.
The doctors hand Toby their daughter. He holds onto her, a grin stretching out on his face. He has fallen in love with her so hard and so quick. He is crying and shaking his head in aghast. He hands Spencer their daughter gently, barely able to let her go.
When Spencer gets her hands on her, she falls instantly in love. She knows, this child, this person, is the one she will give everything to. She's her world. She is completely, ridiculously bewitched by the newborn.
Toby's hands are on her shoulder, his lips on the top of her head. This is the happiest moment of her life. She feels overwhelmed with love and glee. She has never known this much happiness before. She doesn't know what to do with it all. It pours out of her eyes and mouth. I love you, her tears sound. I love you, she breathes.
They name her Athena, after the Goddess of Wisdom.
Their Athena is perfect. She's everything they could have hoped for.
¶
For the first few days, she is ecstatic. She's high off life and adrenaline. Athena is in her arms. She's such a peaceful baby. She doesn't cry much. She sleeps through the night. She's perfect. She's so insanely beautiful.
She has Toby's eyes and a full head of dark hair. She's so adorable. She is so stunning. She is the best thing Spencer has ever seen. Better than the snow cap mountain tops, more wonderful than the night sky on a clear night, more stunning than the waves of an ocean on a cloudy day. She is the most, dearest treasure in the entire universe.
The first few days, Spencer is joyous and over the moon. But then, then she falls down. Her high comes down. She goes flying to an abyss of sadness.
She just feels irritable, moody, anxious and sad. Her panic attacks are returning. She is back to insomniac ways.
She's heard this happens after pregnancy-the baby blues. Aria went through it. It only lasted a few days for Aria. Spencer convinces herself it will be that way for her too. It's normal after pregnancy to feel down. It's the hormonal change.
She doesn't bother telling Toby. Why pop his bubble of joy? If she tells him, he will only exchange elation for concern. Why worry him when it will be gone in a few days?
Except, it doesn't go away. It only gets worse.
Three weeks come and go. She feels distant from the world. She feels numb. She loves Athena with everything she has but has no motivation to connect with her.
She freaks out on Toby at small things. She is overreacting and is over dramatizing. She feels angry all the time and irritable.
Is it possibly to love someone unconditionally, but not want to have anything to do with them?
Toby took the first two weeks off from work but has returned now. So, Spencer gets to deal with the crying and diaper changing and piss and shit. She is tired and craves sleep, but she has to take care of Athena. She's angry with Toby that he isn't doing more-that he left her here to do it all.
She wants to be able to go back to work. Why does society give mothers time off and not fathers? Why does she need to deal with it all?
Today is a particularly bad day. She feels angry with Toby that he's at work and irritated that he left out his cereal box. She leaves him a voicemail, using a not-so-nice tone and scolds him. She gets even more upset when he doesn't answer the call. She gives him a lecture for that too. What if Athena needed him?
She has such a headache. Athena has been crying all morning. She probably wants Toby. She probably likes him better already. She's three weeks old and she already hates her. She feels like screaming.
She gives Athena a breastfeeding and then puts her in her crib. It takes an hour for Athena to cry herself to sleep. Spencer mimics her daughter and does the same. She takes some Tylenol and sobs herself into a rest.
When she wakes up, Athena is crying. Toby is still gone. He hasn't returned her call. But she does have a call from Emily. She calls Emily as she goes to Athena's room. Emily asks if she can stop by, Spencer says yes. She feels so lonely. She feels so incredibly lonely. Toby is so happy, and Athena likes him more, and she just feels so sad. She needs someone other than the people she's been seeing every day.
Athena needed a diaper change, and it also so happens to be feeding time. Spencer breast feeds her and Emily lets herself in, and Spencer alerts her best friend that she's in the nursery.
Spencer finishes up before Emily comes in. For a moment, she tries to hold Athena. She tries to cuddle her, but she can't do it. She ends up putting Athena in her small carrier. It has little wooden, light pink stars dangling down from strings. Athena stares at them with her wide, blue eyes, her tiny hands catching them.
When Emily comes in, she greets Spencer and then goes to Athena. She coos at the baby, saying "Hi, baby girl. You're so beautiful, honey. How are you?" in a sweet baby voice. Spencer is sitting in the rocking chair Toby made her, slightly rocking in it. She stares at Emily and Athena, wondering why she is having so much trouble connecting when Emily does it so easily.
"Can I hold her?" Emily asks.
Spencer nods.
Emily smiles and picks the infant up. She holds her close and Athena seems content. More content than she does in Spencer's arms. Emily's been talking about finding a surrogate. She's been talking about it for months now. Emily would make a good mom.
"She's so adorable," Emily murmurs.
"Yeah," Spencer offers half-heartedly.
Emily notices. She gives Spencer a curious look. Spencer told her friends about her baby blues when she first got them. She hasn't updated them on how she feels now, though.
"Are you still feeling down?"
"Maybe a little," she shrugs, glancing away.
"Have you told Toby?" Emily asks, bouncing Athena in her arms gently. She is examining the baby girl, rather than Spencer.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Usually he notices when I'm upset," Spencer ignores the question, her voice dark and deadly. She is staring at the teal walls, remembering how happy they were a couple months before. "He hasn't even asked me once about my behavior."
Emily pulls on the baby's hand and smiles at her friend's child. She looks at Spencer and frowns. "I'm sure Toby is just...," she struggles to find the words. "Engrossed with this one," Emily stares at Athena again. She smiles at the little baby. Athena is hard to look at and not smile. Everyone agrees. Everyone except Spencer, maybe.
"Yeah," Spencer puts forth with little emotion. "But Toby. I just... I don't know. I feel like he doesn't even realize how hard this has all been on me. Like, I-," her shoulders fall. "He gets to go to work. I haven't left the house in days."
"Do you want to go somewhere?" Emily looks at her.
"What?"
"You just said you haven't left the house in days..." Emily states. "Do you want to go somewhere? On a walk, at the least? I can watch Athena."
"Really?" Spencer dips her chin down, focusing on Emily. She grips the rocking chair's arms, ready to pounce up and go.
"Yeah, of course," Emily nods. "Maybe you just need some air."
"Wow," Spencer stands up from the rocking chair. "Thank you. I'll just go on a walk. I promise I won't be too long."
"Take as long as you like," Emily gives her friend a supporting smile. She beams at Athena, "Athena and I have much-needed bonding time."
Spencer smiles at her friend. It's her first real smile in days. She goes to press a kiss to her daughter's forehead, even though it feels forced and awkward. She leaves the room and walks out of the house.
She goes on a walk and then, finally, Toby calls her back. She's about a half mile from their house, from Athena. She answers.
"Hello," she answers formally.
"Spence, hey, I'm sorry about the cereal, I was in a rush this morning. And I really am sorry about not answering earlier. I was on site, and you know how hard it is to reach me when I'm there."
He is on the site? Spencer didn't even know he was working on any large projects. She isn't sure if he just failed to tell her, or if she just wasn't listening. She's been missing a lot of what he has been saying lately, though. But still, she feels a need to blame him.
And even though he apologized, she still feels a need to yell further.
"You have a child now. You need to start being more accessible."
"I get it, Spencer. I do," he states. "I will try to be, but it was just about a box of cereal."
"It's the principle of the thing!" she exclaims irritably. What does he not get? Does he not understand anything she's said? "God damn it, Toby, what if Athena was hurt? And I couldn't reach you? Would I just have to deal with it all on my own?"
"Okay." He sounds exasperated. "I'll bring my phone with me on the site. I'll keep it on my pocket at the loudest volume, on the most obnoxious ringtone. I won't listen to music. I'll just be listening for that annoying ring tone."
His tone is light. He's tiring to lighten the argument, but she is having none of it. She rolls her eyes. "Just pick up next time, Toby."
"I will," he promises. "How is my princess anyway?" Toby asks. "Or should I say, Goddess."
Once again, he is trying to lighten the conversation.
"She's fine. Emily came over to visit, and she's with her right now. I'm on a walk," Spencer answers, a crisp in her words. It's early March. The air is frigid, just like her words to Toby.
"Oh," Toby states. "Well, I'm sure she is doing well with Emily."
"She is. Emily's great at this thing."
"Well, how is my other girl?" he asks.
"I'm fantastic," she replies in obvious sarcasm.
"Spencer, what's wrong?" he asks. He sounds more concerned than annoyed. Sometimes, he sounds impatient when he asks this question.
"I'm just tired," she states. "I'm tired and my head hurts."
"I can come home early. I can take care of you."
She stops in her steps and warms a little at the gesture. "That's okay."
"Are you sure?"
"I have Emily," Spencer states.
"Okay," Toby resigns. "But if you need me, call me. I promise I will pick up this time."
"Okay," Spencer says simply.
"I love you," he tells her.
"I love you too," she replies.
¶
It's been two months. Two whole months and she still feel crappy all the time. Their daughter is two months old and she's barely spent any quality time with her. She loves her so dearly. She truly loves her, but she feels so unable to snap back into focus. She's gone. She's drifted. She can't get back to her normal self. She's stuck with this anxiety and sadness. It won't go away.
Toby has noticed now. He is concerned. He is constantly trying to make her feel better. He kisses her and hugs her and has been taking days off work, but she still feels sad. She feels less irritable, less annoyed and crazy, but she's still sad. She still has trouble sleeping and her panic attacks are just more frequent.
She doesn't tell him any of her thoughts. She says she is fine, but he's not buying it. Now that he has noticed, he isn't letting it go.
He crawls in bed next to her one night, curling his body next to hers, wrapping his arms around her. He whispers, "Spencer, please, please tell me how you are really feeling."
Her face crumples at this because she feels nothing and everything. She feels detached, but yet, she feels a whole avalanche of emotions. She begins to cry. She's been a lot more emotional and hypersensitive of late. She cries so much more often. It's so easy to get tears to form in her eyes.
"Baby," he soothes her. He kisses her head and rolls her over, forcing her to look at him, or at least face him. Her eyes are shut. He hovers above her, frowning. "Baby, Spencer, come on... Tell me, what is it?"
She shakes her head. "I don't know. I don't know, I am just a terrible mother."
"No, you aren't," he dismisses the idea confidently. "Spencer, you're a wonderful mother."
She shakes her head. "I have barely held her. I only do when I have to, Toby," she opens her eyes to look at him. Her words are so quiet and weak. She is breathing loudly and roughly. "You will never understand," the words barely leave her lips.
He frowns. He strokes her face. "I was reading the other night...," he glances away for a moment, swallowing. "About postpartum depression..."
"I don't have it," Spencer argues instantly. She rolls on her side, away from him. She won't look at him.
"It's common, Spence."
"I don't want another thing wrong with me," she grumbles. "I'm already a recovering addict and PTSD patient." It's true. After the dollhouse, after A, she was diagnosed with PTSD. She went to therapy and group sessions. She got better, but she still suffers. She still gets nightmares and panic attacks. She's still struggling.
"Spencer," Toby tries. "It's not another thing wrong with you. It's another thing you're going to kick in the ass. It's another thing that you'll get through, but you have to admit you have it first."
She shakes her head sternly. "Shut up," she hisses. "Stop saying it. I don't want to have it."
"But you do," Toby frowns.
"You're not a doctor, Toby," she mutters.
"I know I'm not. But... You need to see one. If you don't believe me, then see a doctor."
She waits. She cries some more. Toby holds her. She refrains from his touch at first but then lets him. He holds her as she sobs. She holds onto him too.
"It's not fair," Spencer complains.
"I know," he agrees, stroking her hair.
"Why don't I want to be near our daughter? What's wrong with me?"
"You're just sick...," Toby says softly. "It has nothing to do with who you are as a person. It doesn't make you a bad person or mother. You're just sick. It's not your fault."
She sniffles. "I am so messed up," she blinks. She rubs tears from her eyes. She sits up and looks at her husband in the eye. "Aren't you getting exhausted with me? With how big of a mess I am? I just keep revealing more and more things wrong with me."
"Spencer, stop," he tells her. He cups her face in her hands. "I love you, okay? I love you so, so, so much."
She bites her lip. "I'm sorry."
"No," he says. "No, it's not your fault, honey."
She shakes her head, her sullen mocha eyes falling south. "I want to be better. I want to be able to hold Athena. I want to be able to be happy with her and you."
"I'll go the appointment with you," he rubs his thumb across her cheek. "Spencer, it's going to be okay."
She flicks her eyes up to him and nods.
¶
She's diagnosed with Postpartum depression. The doctor thinks it's a bad idea to put her on meds, with her history and all. Toby agrees with the doctor. Spencer, on the other hand, is pissed. Maybe, deep down, she knows it's better to stay away from the meds, but she wants them. She needs them. She feels desperate to feel better. She's finally desperate. She has to feel, motivation to get better, but they won't give her meds?
She's angry with Toby again, but he doesn't seem to care. He is set on the decision that the doctor should not prescribe her anything.
She is being sent to shrink. On Mondays and Thursdays.
She is supposed to be returning to work soon. She just has a couple week left of maternal leave. She's very excited to return to work. In fact, it scares her how excited she is. She didn't even use the maternal leave correctly. She didn't even bond with her daughter. She feels guilty for wanting to return to work so badly-for being so eager and excited when she hasn't even built a relationship with her daughter.
She's a terrible mother.
The first session is brutal. She refuses to speak. She tells the doctor, after she asks, that yes, she is excited to return to work. The shrink goes into details about her career after. She asks her a million questions about it. Spencer feels fried after.
The second session goes a little better.
She asks about her family. The shrink pries information out of her. She tells her about Jason and her father's affair. She tells her about her sister, their rocky relationship and competitive nature. She even goes into how one time her mother had a breast lump removal; how she didn't know until months after because of her mother and family's ideology of appearing perfect.
After she rants and answers question about her family, the shrink says, "Notice how you didn't even mention your husband or daughter. Aren't they your family too?"
Spencer is aghast with the question. She didn't even mention Toby or Athena. They are her family, the shrink's right. But yet... Yet, family in her mind still means Melissa, Jason, and her parents. It still means dysfunction in her mind.
"Yes," Spencer answers.
"Then why didn't you say anything about them?"
"I don't know."
"I think you know more than you're giving me. Tell me, why do you think you did not include them? Do you not see them as your family? Why do you immediately not connect them with that? The family includes your daughter and husband, Spencer. They are your immediate family. Some would even argue that after you have children and get married, your parents and siblings become extended family."
Spencer just shrugs at this. "I don't-," she struggles. "I don't know why. Really, I don't."
"Do you consider them your immediate family?"
"Yes," Spencer answers with some uncertainty. "I think I still consider my parents and siblings my immediate family, too, though."
"Do you think it's hard to do that? You said your family growing up was so dysfunctional. Is it hard to set aside that dysfunction with Toby and Athena?"
Spencer shakes her head. "No. I don't... No..." She suddenly feels shortness of breath. She feels like the room is spinning. Her chest feels tight. She's on the verge of a panic attack.
"I don't mean to upset you, Spencer," the shrink says calmly. "I just want to find the root of the problems."
A moment passes. Spencer is still trying to calm herself. She closes her eyes. She feels the shrink saying, "breathe, Spencer. Just relax. Breathe."
Spencer finally recovers, she sucks in a deep breath. She opens her eyes and looks at the shrink. "Sorry."
"Don't be," the woman assures her. "It can get really emotional in here sometimes."
Spencer nods.
"So, tell me, is your husband good to you? Is your relationship stable? Or is it shaky like your relationship with your other family members... Your sister, your parents..."
"It's good," Spencer states. "I love him very much. He's a wonderful, doting husband," Spencer swallows. "He's too good for me."
"So, you feel that you don't deserve him?"
She forgot that every word she is spurring out is being dissected. "Yeah, I guess."
"Have you always felt this way with him?"
She shrugs. "He's always been a better person than I am."
"Do you think he is a better parent than you?"
Spencer sucks in a breath, breathing out shakily. She nods, her eyes stinging. "Yeah. I mean... How can I not, right? I can barely stand to look at my daughter."
"Spencer, do you ever think that's the problem? That you are so scared of failing as a parent that you don't even want to try? You said your parents weren't the best. You think you're husband is too good for you. You don't believe in yourself and you're setting yourself up for failure because you believe you're already going down that course."
"Wow," Spencer breathes, taking in the words, letting them rip into her soul and heart. They burn her. She's crying. She takes the words in and lets them consume her. "You're good."
The shrink smiles. "I'm just getting started," she tells her. "See how much progress we make when you open up?" she asks rhetorically. "Spencer, you'll be fine. I can see that you are trying and want to be. Once you have accepted this illness, it can only get better."
Spencer nods. "So, I'm not doomed?" she asks, her voice meek and eyes vulnerable.
"No. No one is doomed."
The sessions from there all go well, mostly anyway. It takes Spencer awhile to open up about A and the dollhouse, but eventually she does. She starts feeling better. She feels less tired and more alive. She goes to group therapy sessions, listening to other stories. She shares her own. She gains support and gives it. She's feeling better with each and everyday, not even needing pills.
When she hears family, she immediately thinks of Toby and Athena. When she hears family, she doesn't think of dysfunction or lies, but she thinks of how much she adores Toby. How Toby has never left her side and always put up with her, always been there for her, like he promised. His support is unconditional and her love for him is everlasting. She thinks of Athena, how she fell in love the second she saw her, maybe even before when she felt her kick in her stomach. She thinks of Athena's warm belly and her dark hair and light eyes. She thinks of Athena and how she brings joy to everyone she encounters. When someone says family, she sees Athena's eyes and hears her laugh, and she finds herself smiling.
Athena and Toby are her family. They are who she thinks of immediately.
She's gotten past her insecurities. She still has them. She still has fears that Athena will grow up to hate or resent her. She still worries that she'll mess up like her own parents. She worries that it will be so obvious that Athena likes Toby more (because he is so amazing and warm), and she will be left feeling ostracized and jealous. Toby reassures her that Athena will love her, though, that she is a wonderful mother and will never be ostracized. Toby keeps her in check. He erases her insecurities and makes her realize how ridiculous she is.
Her demons of the past, the dollhouse and A, find their way back to the past, staying there. Her shrink helps her push away her past demons. She lets them go. She lets go of the anger and anxiety she still felt from them. She says goodbye to her past life and welcomes her new one.
By the time Athena is six months, Spencer is already feeling so much better. She feels so much more alive. She is so much more involved with her daughter and husband; her family.
She holds her daughter and kisses her, without it feeling forced or awkward. She kisses her because she adores her and is completely in awe of her. She plays with her daughter and smiles at her, laughs with her and bonds with her. She wants to hold her all the damn time. When someone else asks to hold her, she struggles to hand her over. She smothers her in kisses and tickles and love.
Spencer stops going to the sessions once her shrink clears her. She clears her when Athena is seven months old. Spencer is no longer a victim of PPD.
She can be happy with her family. She is ecstatic with her family.
A few days after Spencer is cleared from PPD, Toby takes her out. She has a hard time leaving her daughter for a whole Friday night. She works during the week and weekends are especially reserved for her daughter. She is in good hands with Emily-who has now found a surrogate, and is a couple month pregnant, by the way-but Spencer still feels a difficulty leaving her daughter.
Toby eventually pries her away, though.
Once she is out with Toby, she realizes the date night is much needed. She misses him. After dinner, they go to the beach. It's about an hour drive, but it gives them time to talk.
They sit on the beach together. She realizes they haven't been here since she was pregnant.
"Toby, I love you," she randomly states, as the sun is setting and people are pulling out their cameras on their phones.
He faces her, grinning. "I love you more," he argues sweetly, leaning in and giving her an Eskimo kiss.
She grins at this, a little laugh escaping her mouth. "No... I don't think so."
He leans in, catching her lips in his. She brings her hand to the side of her face, steadying herself even though they are sitting down already. It's soft and sensual and loving. When his lips escape hers, he murmurs, "I think so."
She looks at him adoringly. "I was such a bitch."
"No, you weren't," he states sweetly in that soft tone she loves. His blue, big eyes on her and his hand is wrapped around her. He twirls her hair around his fingers.
She nods, "I freaked out about everything you did. I was being such a nag."
"Oh, Spence," he mutters. "I don't care about that. I'm just glad you are better," he rubs her back.
"You pushed me to get help. Thank you."
He smiles softly at her, bringing her into his side. Her head falls onto his shoulder, his arm draped around her shoulders. She wraps an arm around his torso, cuddling up into him. They watch the sunset together. The only way it could be more perfect is if Athena was with them.
When they come home that night, Athena is crying and making a fit. Spencer and Toby rush to their baby. Toby tries to console her, but she still wails and cries. Spencer tries, taking her from her husband and bringing Athena close.
Usually, it is Toby who calms her down, but tonight it's Spencer.
"Baby girl, baby Athena...," she dotes on her daughter, bouncing her in her arms. "Did you miss mommy and daddy? We are here now. We are," she kisses her daughter's nose. Athena stops crying, her crumpled up face smoothing out. She looks at her mother curiously. "Awh, you are going to be a good girl now?" she cooes, rubbing her daughters back with her hand. Her daughter smiles, blinking her tears away.
"That's my little princess," Toby smiles, reaching down and pressing his lips to her forehead. She giggles. She reaches out to Spencer and Spencer holds her upright so she is against her chest, her head popping up at her shoulder.
Toby rubs Spencer's back and she leans into him. She smiles at him. He smiles back.
"I hope she wasn't too much trouble, Em," Toby states. Spencer almost forgot she was there.
"She was great," Emily states. "She just started getting fussy a little bit ago. But trust me, compared to Hanna and Aria's children, she's a breeze."
Spencer laughs. "We're really lucky to have such an angel, aren't we?" she bobs her head away so she can look at her daughter. Her daughter paws her nose. She laughs.
They all do.
"We are the luckiest people in the entire world, aren't we Athena?" he asks his daughter in a soft, singsong. He grabs onto her hand. She dances in Spencer's arms, laughing.
"Well, let's hope Athena can be a role model to my kid," Emily grins.
Before leaving, Emily kisses Athena's head. Athena squeals in delight.
After Emily is gone, Spencer blows raspberries into her daughter's belly, making her kick and flail with laughter.
She's so happy to have Athena. So happy to have Toby. She tells her daughter she loves her more than the world and gets her ready for bed. Toby helps. They put her to bed together and watch her sleep for awhile.
"She's getting so big," Toby whispers, his arm around Spencer's waist.
"Yeah," Spencer frowns. "She needs to stop growing."
"We won't give her vegetables or milk," Toby proposes. "She'll stop growing then."
Spencer laughs, smacking him in the arm. She sighs in content afterward, her eyes landing back on her daughter. "She just used to be so small."
"I know," he murmurs, looking at his wife. She frowns at him again. He walks behind her, wrapping his arms around her and securing her to his body. She holds onto his arms, a slight smile covering her face. He rests his chin on her shoulder, looking at their daughter. "She looks a lot like you."
"You can't even tell yet," Spencer laughs.
"I think she does," Toby states.
"Well, I'm still waiting for that six pack..." Spencer murmurs.
Toby laughs, kissing her cheek.
Spencer leans into the kiss, a giant grin lighting up on her face. She is so incredibly happy. She is so glad she can feel this way again. She's never been happier than she is right now with her family. With Toby and Athena.
So, if you really thought I wasn't going to throw some depressing shit into this, you don't know me well. :) Tell me how you liked it, please. It's crap to me, but maybe it was okay to you guys? I hope.