Heart Seal

For the eighth night in a row, Harry Potter was sitting on the floor in the dungeons corridor under his invisibility cloak, lost in contemplation. Like those other nights, neither the passage of time, nor the chill of the flagstones, nor the silent call of nature would rouse him. He would sit and weigh his pros and cons until he decided, and if he was smart, he'd choose like yesterday and go back to his common room, to his friends in Gryffindor Tower, where he was safe and was no reason to do anything other than that.

So why did the option even exist? And why was he still thinking about it?

The sound of footsteps approaching jarred him from his thoughts. He turned his gaze down the hallway and saw a dark figure gliding toward him like a spectre. His heart started pounding. He held his breath, and willed himself to be still, pulling his cloak tight around him, but as the dreadful shadow passed, he pushed off the floor and shed his cloak, stuffing it into his pocket. "Professor Snape!" He winced. Damn.

The potion's master stopped in his tracks, surprised to hear Harry Potter calling his name, seeking him out the one time he'd chosen to ignore him. Does he crave attention so much that he must have it from even me? He turned around and shot Potter a cutting glance. The boy flinched, but returned the look with equal fierceness. After two years of having his ego pumped by followers and bootlickers, his insubordination had grown exponentially. Snape rolled his eyes and continued his progress down the hall. "I'm in no mood, Potter. Whatever the matter is, take it up with the Headmaster."

Harry followed after him. "It concerns you, Professor," he said. Snape didn't slow down. In fact, he walked faster. Harry matched his pace. "Just a moment, Professor," he called, trailing a few yards behind him.

Snape walked briskly forward. It had been a long day of tedium and idiocy and he had even less patience than usual for dealing with the Potter nuisance. Retrieving his wand from his sleeve, he prepared to cast a disillusionment so that he could escape, but just as he began the spell, he felt a tug on the back of his robes. Turning around quickly, he grabbed the offending hand and pried it off his clothes. "Have you lost your mind?" he said to Harry, his voice low and warning. He considered crushing the hand, but the boy ripped it away before he could decide.

"I need to speak with you, Professor," Harry said, unperturbed.

"Harry Potter." Snape spat the name like poison. "Have you nothing better to do with your free time than pester me?"

Harry raised his chin and responded in kind. "Professor Snape, do you honestly think I'd go through the trouble of tracking you down if it weren't important?"

Snape glared at him, silently acknowledging the fact. The situation was indeed odd enough that it should be investigated. He folded his arms, exhaled in frustration, and mustered up the patience to pay attention to the boy. Rolling his eyes to the ceiling, he asked in his least civil tone, "What is it?"

Harry hesitated, searching for the right words, but then decided to cut to the chase. "I have something for you," he said, and took something out of the pocket of his robe.

Snape sneered. "What on earth could you have that I could possibly want?"

Harry wordlessly extended his closed fist.

After a pause, Snape held his hand open under Harry's to receive whatever it was. He felt something like a coin and then a delicate chain attached to it pour into his palm. A necklace? He gave Harry a shriveling look, then picked up the chain between two fingers, dangling the jewel in front of his face. A slim, faceted, pinkish white jewel glistened in the torchlight. "Saliscale." His eyes widened a fraction then narrowed in scrutiny. There was no way the boy would gift him anything, let alone a treasure like this. It had to be a trick. Cursed, surely. Whatever it was, he'd unravel it and give Potter and his accomplices a year's worth of detention. "There's an enchantment," he said, teasing the boy with feigned curiosity. He snickered as Potter shifted his weight and watched him too eagerly. Did he think I'd be stupid enough to put it on? I should just give him the detention and be done with it.

He silently cast an array of detection spells, and peered into the stone. It didn't seem to be cursed, but there was definitely a secret. As his concentration deepened, so did the furrow of his brow. Slowly, his eagerness to punish Potter gave way to genuine curiosity. His expression softened. "Strange. I feel like I know this from some…." He trailed off as scattered images reconnected and buried memories surfaced in his mind. Then recognition stabbed him in the gut. A painful sound tore out of him. "…Lily." He clamped his mouth shut after the name escaped. His lips pressed tight into a thin line as he stared transfixed at the necklace dangling from his hand, losing himself in visions of the long ago past.

Harry wondered at the sound of his mother's name squeezed out of Snape's lungs, and the intensity of the man's gaze. This scene alone confirmed his suspicions, but he had to know for sure what exactly their relationship had been. "You recognize it," he said.

The question jarred Snape out of his reverie. He turned to Harry, his face taut with fury, and shoved the necklace back toward him. "Take it."

Harry blinked confused.

"Take it quickly," repeated Snape.

Harry raised his hand to take the necklace, but pulled back at the last second.

Snape's nostrils flared. "Is it your sole purpose in life to plague me, boy? Take this thing away from me!" He held the necklace at arm's length, wanting but unwilling to throw it far from him. This last piece of her.

"But, don't you want it?" asked Harry.

"Why would I want a woman's necklace?"

"It was my mother's. I know you loved her."

Snape looked at Harry like he'd just said something vile. "You know nothing. Heed my advice, Potter. Don't meddle in others' affairs if you value your life."

Harry gaped. "But didn't you, sir? Didn't you give this to her?"

"Of course not! How could you think something so stupid?" Snape took a shaky breath to calm himself. "Do you even know the value of Saliscale?" He continued, seething. "I could not have afforded even a splinter of this jewel let alone the entire necklace. Obviously, it was a gift from her rich lover, your arrogant pureblood father, James Potter. Now take this back and get away from me."

Harry still made no move to take the necklace, noticing now that despite his protesting, Snape would not discard it. "So, you did love her."

"You damn bloody…." Snape flicked his wand in all directions, casting his strongest privacy charms, then rounded on Harry, his gaze menacing. "All right. So I loved her. So what? She rejected me. Does it make you happy?"

Harry stumbled backward and reached into his pocket for his own wand. Snape's voice was eerily calm, but there was violence in his eyes.

"The greasy dungeon bat, rejected by the woman he loved for the man he hated, doomed to a life of celibacy and stagnation and sacrifice and slavery to the most manipulative wizard in history all for the sake of the golden boy, James Potter reincarnated just for the sake of tormenting me and reminding me endlessly of what I can never have. Brilliant story. Send it to the Quibbler. I'll be sure to give an interview and explain in gory detail just how pathetic I am. Is this what you wanted to hear, Potter? Are you satisfied? Now will you drop the issue and take the damn necklace from me? Please."

Snape again thrust his fist toward Harry, the jewel swinging wildly on the chain.

Harry reached out and allowed Snape to drop it into his hand.

Relieved of his burden, Snape heaved a shuddering sigh.

Harry bowed his head and fiddled with the necklace, not sure if he was relieved or disappointed. He couldn't look at Snape. He didn't know what he'd been expecting. He should've just left it alone. "I'm sorry, Professor. You may not believe me, but I really didn't mean to upset you."

Snape scoffed, but it lacked bite. It sounded more like a sob.

Harry bit his lip. He should just stop here and play it off, take Snape's detention and walk away with his life intact, but he couldn't stop thinking of maybes and what ifs. "I found it in a box of my mother's things in my aunt and uncle's house over the break. I've just been trying to piece together what everything means. What significance it had to her. I just wanted to get to know her somehow. Even if it's just through stories. I don't know much about her or… my dad." He glanced up at Snape then back at the stone.

Snape folded his arms and half turned away from Harry, unable to look at him anymore. The sight of him, Lily's eyes, pierced his soul with longing and regret. He wanted to flee this torture, but found himself unable to do that either. "Saliscale is a rare and priceless stone," he said. "Often used in marriage proposals, like diamonds for muggles. It might've had that significance to her. She wore it constantly."

Harry narrowed his lips. "Oh."

Snape calmed somewhat, satisfied that the boy truly hadn't meant to taunt him. "Why would you think I gave it to her?"

"I…you said it was enchanted. Did you identify the charm?"

Snape allowed the deflection. He wasn't sure he really wanted to know. "I glimpsed it. It's a blood cast of some sort. A memory charm, perhaps. I didn't look too closely. As her progeny, you might be able to reveal what it holds. Ask Granger to help you research it. If that's all Potter…" he turned his back and began to walk out of the dome of silence, but then Harry's next words stopped him.

"It's a heart seal."

Without turning around, he listened as Harry explained.

"Like a portable pensieve, except instead of showing, it keeps things locked up. I thought it was just an ordinary necklace at first, but then I kept getting this funny feeling whenever I held it, so I put it on. That's how I found out. Then I did some research to make sure, and I found a description that matched its characteristics."

Snape stared into the darkness down the hall and urged himself to walk away. "A heart seal?"

"Or a memory seal I guess," said Harry. "Apparently, it seals the wearer's most painful memory at the cost of the most precious."

"And you…."

"I unlocked it. I saw what's inside."

Snape took a step away from Harry, then stopped. "What?"

Harry didn't answer. He just stood there staring at the jewel, smoothing his thumb over each facet.

Snape turned to face him and asked again. "What?"

Harry raised his head and looked Snape in the eye, searching for his future at the end of this path. Did he really want to go forward? Was it too late to turn back? If he did, he'd regret it for the rest of his life, but if he didn't…. He might regret this too, but at least he wouldn't have to wonder anymore. He swallowed a lump in his throat and then finally answered. "It holds her memories of you."

Snape's heart clenched. He wished he'd walked away. Had she so loathed him? He pressed his palm to his chest to soothe the pain. "All of them?" he asked. He didn't want to know.

Harry shook his head. "Just one…night."

Snape paled. His eyes widened with understanding, and his hands started to shake. "You…you saw."

Harry didn't deny it.

Snape's expression morphed from embarrassment to shame to indignation. He snarled at Harry. "Then you saw what happened afterward. How she rejected me. Humiliated me. I can't even say replaced, because I never had a place beside her from the start. I fabricated her affection for me from my sick mind, and she pitied me. Isn't that how she put it?"

Snape looked away. His face contorted in a way that made Harry's insides ache.

"How foolish of me to think that she could…." Snape wiped his face with his palm and hugged himself, his whole body shaking from distress. "So that was her most painful memory."

Harry watched Snape's breakdown wide-eyed. This wasn't what he'd wanted. It was coming out all wrong. He shook his head vigorously, struggling to find the words to correct his mistake. "I don't think that was it, sir. I-It's awkward to say, but when I was wearing the necklace, I could feel how she felt about those memories. I believe they were precious to h—"

Snape flung his arms forward in defense against some harsh blow. "Don't boy. Whatever you're attempting, just stop. I'm begging you, please, don't play games with me." He sounded weakened and defeated, like he might just crumple to the ground. "She was my everything. For over a decade, my sole reason for being. But I ruined things, or I…I didn't see that it was one-sided. That she could never reciprocate. I shouldn't have…" He shook his head. "There's no point talking about this. Just leave the shadows in the past." Snape closed his eyes and went still. Then suddenly, he reached out and grabbed Harry's wrist. "Give me the necklace! I'll remove the charm and erase the memories!"

"No!" Harry tried to wrench his wrist from Snape's hand, but the man held him firm.

"Give it to me, Potter! Let me get rid of them! You can't possibly want to keep something so…disgusting!"

"It's not disgusting, sir! It's—"

"Let go!" Snape pried the necklace out of Harry's hand, gripped the jewel, and focused his magic on unraveling the charm so that he could erase the memories.

Harry clawed at Snape's clenched fist. "No! Stop it! Please! It's all I have! It's all I have of her! Please, Professor!"

Snape heard Harry's protests at first, but then the boy's voice began to fade. He found himself in another place, somewhere he had been long ago. It was his own memory, but inverted. Lily's point of view. The ecstasy of their night together, and then the agony of her rejection shortly after. He felt with her the joy of being in his arms, the pain of casting him aside, pushing him away. She…didn't want to…reject me? The memory continued. Another day. James Potter's extravagant proposal. Lily's dutiful acceptance. Reasoning with herself that James had means. He was more suitable. More proper. Then the bittersweet discovery of her pregnancy. The vision faded to black.

Snape came back to his senses in suffocating darkness. A faint voice was calling him through the haze.

Professor…Professor Snape!

A student. Potter. His knees were throbbing painfully. He was kneeling on the floor. He stretched out an arm, and the boy grabbed hold of it.

"Are you all right, sir?"

Snape shook his head to get the cobwebs out. What was it that he'd just seen? It didn't make sense. Lily was pregnant. Before she was with James. How? What? Snape felt like he was in a tornado. His stomach started twisting in knots. What the hell…Potter is… no no no no no no… He felt sick. His mouth filled with saliva, and he swallowed it desperately. No no no, I'm mistaken. It couldn't… A hint of the memories replayed and told him otherwise. His head reached a terrifying conclusion, and his stomach revolted.

Harry patted Snape's back as he vomited onto the hallway floor, feeling a bit queasy himself. His heart was racing like mad. One moment, Snape was trying to wrestle the necklace from him and erase the memories, and then he'd just fallen to his knees and stayed there, staring ahead like he was in a trance. Now he was coming out of it, and was obviously disturbed by the experience. No doubt he'd seen everything. Harry watched the man's reactions with dread, and steeled himself for the worst. What had he done? He should've thought this through another day.

"Sir?"

Snape pushed away from him and tried to stand. Harry helped him up and spelled away the mess.

"How much did you see?" asked Snape, glancing at the boy through the corner of his eye.

Harry cringed under his gaze. "What?"

"Did you see all of it? To the end?" Snape pressed. "Her memories. Did you…did you…" He swayed like he was about to collapse.

Harry scooted under his arm to prop him up. "Are you unwell, sir? Let me help you somewhere."

Snape leaned onto Harry's shoulder, holding him quite tightly under his arm. "Answer," he urged.

Harry took a step forward, and Snape stepped with him. "Yes. I saw the end. I know what it means."