Why Did I Let You Leave?

CHAPTER ONE

Rating Teen+ for violence in later chapters and language

Disclaimer I don't own any of the characters they belong to J.K. Rowling

Enjoy! Please tell me what you think I've been working on this for a while and suggestions to make the story more enjoyable are highly appreciated. Thank you.

Looking back at it now it was something that I will regret for my whole life. How I let her slip through my fingers, and she'll never come back.

It started that day in the graveyard. I was visiting the graves of my parents, Lilly and James Potter. I suddenly broke down and started to weep. A year before I killed Voldemort.

Over the past year I'd ruined everything. Ginny broke up with me because she couldn't handle and didn't understand my depression. If she had really loved me wouldn't she understand me? It was all my fault, after all. Fred was dead. Lupin and Tonks were dead leaving Teddy all alone. I couldn't bear to look after him. I was his god father and I'd let his parents die. Sirius, the only father I've ever known, dead. Lavender, Mr. Lovegood, Dumbledore, Cedric, and countless others all dead and it was all my fault.

I looked at myself, even my dress robes were tattered and stained. My eyes I knew were bloodshot and had deep circles under them. A while ago I'd stopped eating and my ribs stuck out as though they would pierce my skin. My shoes were so tight that they almost completely cut off the circulation in my feet. They had holes where everything from the ground was imbedded in the cuts and they were most likely infected.

I didn't care and out of habit, I pulled out Dumbledore's old knife and started to cut my wrists. Was I trying to kill myself? I didn't know and I didn't care. If I died I'd at least escape the pain of all I'd felt in the past. My abusive uncle, Voldemort, and everything else. Slowly, I raised the knife to my throat and was about to kill myself, when someone screamed my name.

"HARRY!" the voice was filled with pure terror. She came running towards me and yanked the knife away from me. That was when I saw her, Luna Lovegood. Tears running down her eyes. "Harry what…what are you doing?"

I was too weak to respond and soon I fainted.

I woke up in a soft comfortable bed. Nervously, I glanced at the sheets. Bloodstains from my wrists and feet covered some of the linen. Looking around the room, I saw Luna passed out in a lounge chair that was pulled up next to the bed. Did she spend the whole night there.

"Luna…" I spoke gently.

She bolted up at the sound of my voice, "Harry! You're alive! I thought… I thought I'd lost you." Her cheeks were streaked with dry and fresh tears, and soon she wrapped me in a tight embrace while sobbing into my shoulder. Just as suddenly, she got up and asked, "Can you stand, you have to get cleaned up."

"I might," I replied and struggled to stand. After almost five minutes I was completely standing, but when I took a step I practically fainted. Luna was quick to grab me and hold me up. Despite her frail appearance she was quite strong and sturdy. Together, we finally made it to the bathroom. She had me sit on a stool against the wall while she drew a bath.

Her blonde hair swayed beautifully while she gathered different medications and soaps.

"Harry, I need you to take off your clothes," she said, but unlike every other awkward thing Luna said she seemed to be embarrassed by this. "You can keep your underwear on."

"Um…okay," I replied stripped down to my boxers. Then she slowly helped me slide into the tub. Tentatively, she picked up my wrist and looked at the cuts.

"Harry…how…why," she stuttered when she saw the severity of the cuts.

"Luna, it was my entire fault. I practically killed everyone…including your father."

Luna looked at me sternly through her tears and spoke, "Harry it was NEVER your fault. Don't you ever think that again. You are not responsible for anything that happened in that war except all of the live YOU SAVED!"

After that we sat in silence while she gently cleaned my wrists and cast spell after spell until almost all of the cuts vanished into scars and scabs. Soon her attention turned to my feet.

"Have you changed your shoes in over a year…at all?"

"No,"

"Why the hell not?" at this point she started to sound exasperated at the state I'd let myself fall into.

"I just didn't. Listen if you're just going to yell at me you can get the hell out of my life and leave me to die, that's what I want," I yelled, and I felt a sharp slap across my face. "Oh, so that's how it's going to be. You 'save' me to feel all heroic but can't take it when I tell you to fuck off."

"Damn it Harry! I stopped you from killing yourself, I let you sleep in my bed, and now I'm cleaning your puss filled feet. I'm not doing this to be heroic; I'm doing this because I CARE ABOUT YOU! I always have and you do not need to feel alone because I care!" she screamed and slowly her voice turned into a whisper. "I love you"

"You what?"

"I love you," she answered more confidently. "Now stop yelling so I can clean you up." After about an hour she hadn't said another word to me and had finished fixing me. I had to admit it was nice to have that shrapnel taken out of my feet.

We walked down to the living room and she propped me up on the couch and sat down next to me while encasing me in blankets. She looked so innocent and sweet. I regretted accusing her of trying to be a hero. Luna had never cared about that, she'd always been so selfless. How could I have said that to her?

"Luna," I started. "I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"It's alright Harry, I understand," she replied now regaining her classic 'Luna' composure. "When was the last time you ate? I could practically pick you up when I found you"

"I can't even remember…more than a few weeks probably," I confessed.

"You have to eat, what would you like?" she asked, obviously trying to hold her composure probably for my sake. It meant a lot to me.

"Chicken noodle soup." I answered.

"No problem, now get some sleep while I make it," she said and skipped off to the kitchen. I watched her from the couch. How could I have missed how beautiful she was? She had grown so much since the last time I saw her. She was no longer the cute little girl I had known just last year. Having graduated from Hogwarts she looked strong and determined. Eventually I drifted off to sleep until she gently shook me awake.

"Be careful it's hot," she cautioned and set the bowl of steaming soup on a T.V. tray next to the couch. I struggled a little to get up until her strong hands propped me up.

"Thanks," I said and dipped to spoon into the soup. My hands shook as I lifted the spoon to my lips and suddenly spasmed and shot to soup onto Luna.

"It's alright," she assured and then began to feed me the soup. How helpless had I become that I had to be fed. Luna must think I'm pathetic. How had I come to this? How long would she stay until she realized I was broken beyond repair?

Once the soup was finished she looked at me with her striking sapphire eyes. She opened her mouth as if she was about to say something but quickly pulled away and asked, "Is there anything else you want?"

Yeah you I thought but instead I said, "Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Sure, anything you had in mind?"

"Don't laugh but do you have The Sixth Sense?"

"Definitely, it's one of my favorites," she replied and skipped off. We spent the rest of the day watching movies and laughing. Laughing. I hadn't laughed in ages. Hell, I can't even remember the last time I felt happy.

Just then I realized how close we were. Sharing a blanket, her hip pressing into mine, I looked her in the eye.

"What," she questioned.

"Nothing, it's just I never realized how…" I paused.

"Realized how what?" she dug deeper.

"How beautiful you are," I confessed.

"Thanks," she said and laid her head on my chest. "Harry?"

"Yes Luna?"

"I love you, I always have, and always will," Luna had a tear rolling down her cheek when she looked up at me.

I wiped the tear off her cheek and practically whispered, "I love you too Luna" I scooped up her face in my hands and kissed her.