The Difference Between Love and Lust
Author: Ryanthorpe
Pairing: Jennifer/Matt Jennifer/Nick
Summary: I didn't love Nick, I only lusted after him… I was in love with Matt.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 768
Disclaimer: I wouldn't be writing fan fic if I owned Matt and Jen, and I'd have Nick shot dead in an instant (sorry everyone out there that likes Nick, but quiet frankly… Jen belongs to Matt… well in my eyes anyways!)... *sigh*
A/N: Inspired by a conversation a friend and I were having about last nights episode, In Harm's Way, about the relationship between Matt and Jen and the one between Nick and Jen… giant thanks to langfieldl for the beta…
She sat on her couch, her legs curled up under her; Jerry by her side, sleeping like always; her diary resting on her thigh as she wrote.
'… why did life have to become so complicated? Everything was going fine between Matt and I before Emma came along… I'm happy that he had found someone, but truly, I was jealous, I was that jealous of them that I'd completely shut myself off from Matt. I don't think I have ever been a bitch like that to anyone before, especially not my best friend, the man that I loved. There I've said it, I love him!
It had been good to get away from Homicide for a bit, Counter Terrorism was ok, but the place I truly loved was Homicide. Yeah, I'd make occasional trips up to see everyone, but each time I went up there, Matt was never anywhere to be seen, or he'd quickly duck away. I think I hurt him, I couldn't blame him for not wanting to speak to me, I wouldn't speak to me if I'd done something like that.
But then after I was sent back up to Homicide, the 'Three Musketeers' had thrown a welcome back barbie at Matt's place. He'd spoken to me, but nothing more than "how are you?" or "how was Counter Terrorism?" I'd answered honestly, saying it wasn't anything like Homicide and I'd quickly excused myself to get another glass of wine… I think I was a bit scared about what he might say.'
She reached over and picked up her wine glass, taking another sip before placing it back on the coffee table in front of her.
'… I'd gotten talking to Emma out in the kitchen, yes I still can't believe it, I'd actually had a conversation with the woman! I was completely engrossed in the conversation until Nick walked in. God, I hadn't seen him in a few years! But I knew instantly from the look on Emma's face, she knew that we knew each other, not that I'd let on about it.
As the weeks progressed, the flirting between Nick and I was almost constant. I could tell it kinda pissed Matt off. But hey, I was the one who felt the same way when he started dating Emma! Now he knew how it felt to be on the other side of the jealously…'
She shifted position on the couch, Jerry moving up into her lap as she continued to write, one hand stroking Jerry's silky fur, the other writing in her diary.
'… By this point, I knew that I didn't love Nick, I only lusted after him, subconsciously, and I knew it was only payback to Matt, but deep down, I was feeling guilty for my childish actions.
I just didn't want to get hurt. I only lusted after Nick, I didn't love him… I was in love with Matt, and I knew that I had lost my chance when he started dating Emma, I'd just waited one moment too long.'
Jennifer closed her diary and put it on the coffee table, picking up her almost empty glass of wine and downing the last of it in one mouthful.
"Well Jerry, I guess you're the only man in my life that I can depend upon not to break my heart," She laughed sadly, continuing to stroke his ginger coat as he looked up at her with soft eyes.
A knock on the door startled them both as Jennifer shifted Jerry off her lap so she could answer the door.
She was surprised to find Matt standing at her front door, he looked terrible.
"Matt, what-" she started, only to be cut off by a strangled cry falling from Matt's lips.
"Emma left, she's gone," he said, tears rolling down his cheeks.
Jennifer gathered him up in her arms and held him as he cried before ushering him inside, closing the door behind her.
Maybe she would get the ending and the man that she wanted.