This story takes place in the summer, between season 18 and (hopefully!) season 19. I'm working on a sequel to this fic called "Lightning", which I'll post after I get the last chapter of my other current story "Monster" done. Noah and Jesse don't exist in this fic.
Special thanks to my very good friend unbreakable86 for making the awesome pic for this story. :*
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"Pass the popcorn, please."
Amanda Rollins drags her gaze away from the TV screen to fix upon her partner who is sitting on the couch beside her, Fin holding out his arm for the bowl which is perched in her lap, not even sparing a glance in her direction as he is too focused on the movie they are watching to pay her much attention. She passes the bowl over to him just as Olivia, who is sitting on the other side of Amanda, reaches out for it and her hand comes to rest in Amanda's now-empty lap, apparently not having heard her colleague ask for it.
She jumps in surprise at her boss' unexpected touch, Olivia immediately yanking her hand away like she has been burned and murmuring an apology, Amanda shifting slightly on the cushions and trying to ignore the way her thighs feel like they're on fire from the light graze of the older woman's fingers. She chastises herself for letting her thoughts drift in a direction they constantly seem to be heading in these days, more than used to these unwanted feelings that have been plaguing her since before she had even come to New York all those years ago and Olivia Benson had just been this awe-inspiring figure in the newspapers that she had admired from afar.
Amanda glances at the other woman out of the corner of her eye as she takes the bowl of popcorn back from Fin and passes it over to her boss, Olivia reaching for it without so much as a brief comment of thanks or a quick look in her direction. Amanda sighs inwardly and tries to pretend that her heart isn't racing out of control at the close proximity of the brunette, resolute in keeping her gaze fixed on the television screen in front of her and not letting her body's unintended reactions give away her true feelings.
It had been Carisi's idea to have a horror movie marathon, complete with alcohol and pizza and popcorn, to wind down from their ridiculously busy week at work, the detective very enthusiastic about this plan and urging his teammates to say yes to his proposition. The rest of the squad had initially balked at this suggestion, arguing that they see enough horror in their day-to-day lives on the job and didn't need to see it on the screen as well, but so far it has proved to be much more of a lighthearted comedy night than they had originally anticipated.
Carisi had brought over a selection of horror movies from the 1980's, the plot lines and overall quality of the films so shockingly bad that the team has spent the past few hours laughing hysterically and cracking jokes instead of being frightened or disturbed. The current movie, which is one of the many sequels to a "Nightmare on Elm Street", is so terrible that Amanda has found herself glued to the screen and unable to look away, just needing to see how the whole thing plays out and fascinated that someone had actually paid money to have this film made.
The carefree and cheerful evening they have been enjoying together has been a much-needed respite from the precinct, as they have all been putting in excessively long hours lately, the grueling work combined with the heatwave that New York is currently experiencing doing its best to push them all right to the brink of their sanity. The sweltering temperatures always seem to bring out the worst in people, everyone's moods frayed to the breaking point, and they have been dealing with more than their fair share of crazy cases so far this summer, the grotesque heat promising not to let up any time soon and grace them with a break.
Amanda had offered her apartment as the place to get together for their movie night, and she is sitting in the middle of the couch with Olivia and Fin perched comfortably on either side of her, Carisi sprawled across the floor in front of the them and Frannie laying next to him with her head resting in his lap. The coffee table is littered with empty beer bottles and pizza boxes, bags of unopened chips scattered throughout the mess, and no one has yet to make a move to clean anything up.
Amanda is not quite drunk but has a pretty good buzz going from all the alcohol they have been consuming and feels fairly content at the moment, despite the lingering intensity of her unwanted feelings toward Olivia. The booze only seems to be ramping these feelings up instead of pushing them down, bringing them to surface rather than hiding them, which had been Amanda's main intention for drinking, and the older woman's physical closeness to her on the couch is certainly not helping matters, Olivia's arm and thigh brushing against her from time to time.
Some poor soul on the TV screen is just about to be murdered by Freddy Krueger when the room is suddenly plunged into darkness, the television and lamps and air conditioning abruptly shutting off and the silence instantaneous. The quiet doesn't last for long, though, as there is an almost immediate litany of honking horns that can be heard from the street down below, followed by a series of whoops and screams of either delight or terror from people passing by on the sidewalk.
"Oh, not again," Fin groans in displeasure. "When the hell are we going to be done with this shit? I'm so sick of this."
Amanda rolls her eyes in annoyance at yet another power failure, reaching down to stroke a soothing hand over Frannie's fur as the dog gives a sharp yip of panic at the sudden pitch black state of the apartment, Carisi complaining that they had been right in the middle of a good part of the movie.
The city has been experiencing a series of blackouts for the past few weeks as a result of the seemingly never-ending heatwave, which has been producing some pretty intense thunderstorms and causing everyone to run their air conditioners on full blast at all times of the day and night, and they have just about had enough with the insane weather so far this summer. Amanda had searched the apartment for every last one of her candles during the previous blackout, which had only occurred the week before, and now has a large number of them grouped together on the kitchen counter for easy access instead of having to stumble around in the dark to look for them like she has had to do on other occasions.
She cautiously gets to her feet to retrieve the candle collection from the other room, just narrowly avoiding tripping over Frannie's tail, the dog now a huddled ball of nerves in Carisi's lap, and is surprised when Olivia's hand automatically shoots out to steady her.
"Watch yourself there, Rollins," the older woman murmurs in what might be actual concern, and the corner of Amanda's lip quirks up in a thankful smile, the bare skin of her arm tingling beneath Olivia's touch, although there is a hint of irritation simmering just below the surface at her boss' inability to address her by her first name.
It has been this way between them ever since Amanda had come to New York from Atlanta back in 2011, this somewhat stiff formality that never seems to give way to a more relaxed atmosphere; Olivia usually only showing a glimpse of what lays beneath that rigid, unwavering personality when she is chewing Amanda out for something she has done wrong, an occurrence that seems to happen quite regularly.
Amanda has to bite back a sarcastic retort as she places the candles around the room, realizing that her squad mates will most likely be spending the night here as it is now quite late and this blackout promises to last for several hours, just like they usually do. It is already becoming warm in the apartment, even though the air conditioning has just turned off, and she feels a tendril of apprehension as she lights the candles and listens to Fin and Carisi having a ridiculous squabble about Freddie Krueger, Olivia sitting there on the couch with her arms crossed over her chest like she would rather be anywhere else.
"Okay, I think this hangout has just turned into a slumber party," Amanda announces as she lights the last candle with the lighter she keeps handy for the cigarettes that she occasionally enjoys. "We're going to have to decide on the sleeping arrangements." Her stomach is turning in a slow somersault as she says the words, because the odds are quite good that Olivia is going to end up in her bed tonight.
"Alright, well, how many bedrooms do you have available?" Carisi asks like he is preparing for a stay in a fancy hotel, and Amanda rolls her eyes in response to the silly question, her heart melting a little as she watches her fellow detective rock Frannie back and forth in his arms to soothe the dog's frayed nerves.
"Seriously, Carisi?" she snorts, waving an arm around to indicate how small her living space is. "Does it look like I have multiple bedrooms in this place? What you see is what you get. And you've been here before!" The layout of the apartment is very simple and functional, with a kitchen, living room, bathroom, and bedroom, and not much else. "I only have the one room, so you and Fin can sleep out here in the living room and Olivia can take my bed." This time the somersault in her stomach is more pronounced and Amanda gulps hard as she chances a quick glance at her boss, Olivia staring right back at her now with an unreadable expression on her face.
"But you only have the couch out here," Carisi replies, a hint of a whine in his somewhat slurred tone and his movements rather clumsy as he continues to rock Frannie with one arm while reaching out for his bottle of beer with the other.
"Well, one of you can sleep on the couch and one of you can sleep on the floor," Amanda replies, starting to feel a little impatient with her co-worker now, and then smiling impishly as a thought occurs to her. "Or you can share the couch. You'll both fit if you spoon each other. You just have to decide which one of you is the big spoon and which one is the little spoon."
"Fin is definitely the big spoon," Carisi automatically responds, and Amanda stifles a laugh, surprised that her colleague is actually contemplating this playful suggestion.
"Fuck that," Fin says bluntly to Amanda, earning himself a reproachful look from Olivia. "Besides, he's too busy spooning with your dog to spoon with me, anyway."
This time Amanda does laugh, as Carisi and Frannie look quite adorable all curled up on the floor together, and she is grateful that her fellow detective is taking the time to make her cherished pet feel at ease during the blackout, allowing her to attend to the clean up of the empty beer bottles and pizza boxes, getting all of the trash out of the way to make space for her teammates to spend the night in the small living room.
"I'm going to leave you guys to figure out which one of you is going to be the big spoon," Amanda chuckles, her gaze falling on Olivia again, as the older woman has been mostly silent throughout the whole exchange with the boys. "Liv, you can take my bed for the night, and I'll stay on the floor. You can also borrow something to sleep in, if you want."
Olivia nods in assent and they head into Amanda's bedroom, a wave of nervousness washing over her as she pulls a loose T-shirt and some yoga pants out of her dresser for the older woman to wear during the night, Olivia mumbling a thank you as she hands her the clothes and retreats into the bathroom to change into the tank top and pajama bottoms that she has retrieved for herself.
A low rumble of thunder sounds far off in the distance, indicating the start of yet another storm as Amanda returns to the bedroom, biting her bottom lip briefly when she takes in the scene before her. The atmosphere is distinctly romantic, or it would be if she couldn't overhear Fin and Carisi still arguing about the sleeping arrangements in the living room, Olivia tucked into her bed for the first time ever and the room lit with a single candle that is sitting on top of the dresser, the light flickering over the dark walls and creating shadowy patterns along the paint.
There is a strange mixture of arousal and irritation winding their way through Amanda's system now, as she contemplates which part of the floor she will be spending the night on, Olivia sitting stiffly in her bed and watching her with a wary expression, her posture unusually tense. It is very clear that the older woman would rather be anywhere but here and is quite unhappy with the current situation, and Amanda is angry at herself for feeling so turned on when Olivia doesn't even want to be in the same room as her, wishing she could rid herself of these unwanted feelings toward her boss as Olivia has indicated many times over that she can barely even tolerate Amanda's presence.
It has already become unbearably warm in the apartment, the small bedroom stifling with the lack of air conditioning, and Amanda is finding it hard to take a deep breath, gritting her teeth together in frustration as Olivia just looks so damn enticing sitting there in her bed, the older woman's dark hair curling softly against her shoulders and the borrowed T-shirt pulling tightly across her ample chest, not leaving much to the imagination. She resolves to try and keep herself under control, the combination of alcohol and heat making her head swim, and Olivia's mere presence enough to drive her insane with need.
"You don't have to sleep on the floor, Rollins," Olivia says, as Amanda takes a couple of pillows and a blanket from the mattress and tosses them to the ground in preparation for making some sort of nest that will be satisfactory enough to sleep in. "It wasn't my intention to kick you out of your own bed."
"I'm just trying to make you feel more comfortable, Benson," Amanda huffs out, the other woman's use of her last name instantly reminding her of how sick she is of the formal way her boss has of addressing her even after working together for all this time, and wishing Olivia would just loosen the hell up around her.
"What's your problem?" Olivia asks, sounding perturbed.
"I have no problem," Amanda shoots back, busying herself with arranging her sleeping quarters to the best of ability but preparing for a cramped and possibly quite painful night on the floor.
"Well, you sound like you do."
"Well, I don't."
"This a mature conversation," Olivia sighs, the irritation quite apparent in her tone now.
"You started it," Amanda mutters, wincing at her childish statement and beginning to think the alcohol is making her even more argumentative than she usually is.
"Jesus," she hears Olivia murmur in exasperation under her breath, and she rolls her eyes in response, glad the room is dim enough so that her boss can't see the expression on her face, before turning her back on the older woman and determinedly ignoring her while she leans over to fluff up the pillows.
By the time Amanda gets settled onto the floor, she is soaked in sweat and her long hair is clinging damply to her neck, the combination of high heat in the apartment, her irritation with the current conversation, and the fact that Olivia Benson is spending the night in her bed working together to throw her system completely off-kilter and turning her into an overheated mess of raging hormones and anxiety. Desperate for some relief from the heat, she discreetly works her hands beneath the blanket that is draped lightly across her body and slips her pajama pants down her legs, tossing them to the side and leaving her in a pair of black and white striped cotton underwear that perfectly matches the tank top she is wearing.
"Oh, yes," Amanda gasps unintentionally, her voice dragging out on a moan of pleasure as the backs of her sticky bare thighs come into contact with the soothing chilliness of the floor, and she clamps a hand over her mouth, instantly realizing how that must have sounded.
"You alright down there?" a suspicious voice asks from above. "What are you doing?"
"I'm not doing anything. I'm fine," Amanda replies innocently, but her heart is beginning to race out of control again and she tries to ignore the tendril of heat that curls low in her belly at the thought of wearing only her skimpy panties and a thin tank top while sharing a room with Olivia.
There is a moment of silence and Amanda doesn't think the older woman is going to respond, when Olivia speaks again, her voice sounding somewhat hesitant, and it is obvious that her boss has indulged in some alcohol as well, due to the subject matter she is bringing up. "Okay, good. Because for a minute it sounded like you were..."
"Like I was what?" Amanda asks in amusement after the brunette's voice has trailed off, giving a short cough because her throat has suddenly gone dry.
Olivia doesn't answer but Amanda can pretty much figure out for herself what she had been meaning to say, and feels overcome with another hot flash at the images that are now playing in her mind. "It would probably be a little inappropriate to be engaging in that kind of behavior with my boss in the same room, wouldn't it, Liv?" she says teasingly.
"We shouldn't be discussing this," Olivia replies in a stern tone.
"Well, you were the one who brought it up," Amanda answers cheekily, enjoying this conversation way more than she probably should.
"Well, I guess I shouldn't have, then," the older woman acknowledges in annoyance.
"Yeah, I guess not," Amanda agrees, smiling into the dark.
"Let's just try to get some sleep, Rollins," Olivia sighs.
"Well, I'm trying but you won't stop talking to me, Benson," Amanda answers, her grin widening when she hears the slight snort in response, glad to be getting under the other woman's skin because it seems like that's where Olivia spends most of her time these days; burrowing beneath Amanda's skin and driving her crazy with a mixture of need and exasperation.
The alcohol that is coursing through her system seems is giving her just enough liquid courage to be much more playful than she would normally be with Olivia, but thankfully she doesn't seem to have consumed enough to step over the line. The temptation that Amanda has to get up off the floor and climb into the bed next to Olivia, sliding beneath the covers so that their bodies are laying side by side, is just barely being tamped down and she is quite grateful that she had cut herself off from the booze when she had, the alcohol only seeming to heighten her already voracious sexual appetite.
Amanda tries not to examine these feelings too closely, unable to admit to herself that they go much deeper than just a small crush or the urge for sex, and that the intimacy she craves most with Olivia extends far beyond the physical. Her emotions regarding the other woman seem to bounce back and forth quite regularly, just longing for some peace between them and an easy closeness that comes from being friendly with one another instead of at each other's throats, but also craving the fire that comes from their disagreements, prompting her to push back harder every time they argue, that passion and fight in Olivia proving to be irresistible and a much more satisfying option than the casual indifference the older woman usually treats her with.
Amanda has always despised the distance between them and wants to bridge the gap; fully aware that the chance of a relationship with the other woman is not very likely to happen but convincing herself that she would be satisfied with at least a friendship. She has never been able to fully let go of that shock and awe toward the other woman that she had arrived in New York with all those years ago; her admiration for Olivia never dimming despite the apathy that the brunette seems to have toward her, along with outright hostility from time to time, Amanda having been enamored with Olivia since she had first begun studying her cases while working in Atlanta.
She shifts uncomfortably on the hard floor, finding it quite difficult to get into a position that isn't excruciatingly painful, listening intently to the worsening weather outside. The thunder that had been rumbling in the distance while they had been getting ready for bed is quite a bit louder now, the sky brightening with sporadic streaks of lightning and casting a brief ghostly glow over the mostly dark room, the lone candle continuing to flicker on Amanda's dresser. She can hear Olivia moving restlessly in the bed above her and contemplates going out to the living room to check on Frannie, but figures one of the guys will come in to let her know if the dog is having a problem. Frannie had apparently decided that Carisi was her new best friend as soon as her fellow detective had walked through the door earlier that evening, and Carisi has been equally charmed by her, so Amanda assumes that her pet is in very good hands at the moment.
The storm continues to worsen outside, the rain coming down very hard now, and Amanda keeps her gaze fixed appreciatively on the open window, beginning to feel much more relaxed as she lays there on the floor and watches the weather rage outside. She had absolutely loved thunderstorms as a kid growing up in Georgia, the lightning providing a terrific show that was something akin to a fireworks display, and the sound of thunder oddly soothing to her instead of frightening. Amanda's younger sister Kim had been the complete opposite; the little girl positively terror-stricken every time they had a storm, which had been quite often, and she would usually end up crawling into bed with their parents if they had one during the night, but Amanda could never get enough of them.
She is about to ask Olivia if she is enjoying the storm as well, when she hears what sounds like a stifled whimper coming from the bed above her. Amanda cocks her head to the side in confusion, unsure of what she has actually just heard, as the claps of thunder are booming closer together now and either masking or distorting any other noise in the room.
"You okay there, Liv?" she asks in concern when there is a break amidst the rolls of thunder, listening intently for another whimper but only hearing the sound of restless legs moving beneath the covers.
"I'm fine," Olivia replies in a tight voice, after a brief hesitation.
There is silence between them for a long moment, the only noise in the room the rain splattering hard against the window pane, and Amanda is beginning to feel somewhat uneasy now. "Why don't I believe you?" she says softly.
"Believe what you want," Olivia answers sharply, Amanda frowning again at the choked tone of the other woman's voice.
"Do you want me to come up there, Liv?" she questions hesitantly, getting to her knees and peering over the side of the mattress to try and get a glimpse of her boss' expression in the flashes of lightning, but Olivia has turned onto her side so that she is facing away from her, and the only thing Amanda can see is the older woman's trembling back and a mess of rumpled dark hair that is spread out across the pillowcase behind her.
"If it'll make you feel better." Olivia's answer is quite muffled and unsure when she speaks again.
"If it'll make me feel better?" Amanda snorts wryly, and then amends her tone of voice, as it appears that Olivia is having some kind of issue but is too proud to actually admit it.
A sudden crash of thunder sounds just outside the window, the noise so loud that the whole building seems to shake with the force of it, and Amanda hears it again, right on the heels of the drawn-out rumble; the very slight whimper that is almost drowned out by the force of the storm.
It doesn't even occur to Amanda to put her pants back on once she hears that heartbreakingly uncharacteristic sound emitting from Olivia's lips, and she scrambles quickly to her feet to perch on the edge of the mattress next to her boss. She hovers uncertainly there for a moment, frozen with indecision as she desperately wants to comfort the older woman but doesn't want to make her uncomfortable in any way or risk being rejected. Finally, Amanda slips underneath the blankets beside Olivia, turning onto her side and scooting over on the sheets so that she is laying directly behind the brunette, reaching out a trembling arm to make contact with the back of her boss' shirt.
She smooths her hand lightly over the T-shirt that Olivia had borrowed from her to wear to bed, frowning when she feels the older woman flinch slightly beneath her gentle touch and let out another small whimper. "It's okay, Liv," Amanda whispers, her frustration with the brunette quickly ebbing away, as all she wants to do now is take Olivia into her embrace and make those heartbreaking sounds stop.
She scratches her fingernails tenderly over the worn material of the shirt, feeling Olivia's heart jumping erratically beneath her palm, and Amanda shifts closer to the other woman, urging the brunette in a whispered tone to turn around and look at her so that she can make sure she's okay, but Olivia refuses, either due to embarrassment or not being able to hear Amanda properly over the strength of the storm. She realizes that Olivia is acting a lot like her sister Kim had when they were children, and this shocking revelation takes her by complete surprise; that after all of the hell Olivia has endured throughout her life, stoically braving one traumatic event after another, her badass lieutenant might actually be afraid of something as simple and mundane as a thunderstorm.
Amanda is overcome with an intense wave of affection toward the other woman as she carefully moves closer to her on the bed, stopping just short of pressing her body against Olivia's from behind, her thoughts straying briefly to the possibility of Fin and Carisi spooning each other on the couch in the living room just like she has the urge to spoon with Olivia. She feels very privileged to see this vulnerable side of the older woman's personality, Olivia curled up under the covers with her head bowed forward, the tense body language and rigid limbs a dead giveaway that she is quite frightened by what is occurring outside, even if she hasn't actually admitted to it yet.
Her boss' atypical behavior is only endearing Olivia to her even more, relishing in the very rare glimpse of the softer side of the brunette, and Amanda tentatively reaches over to stroke through a hand across the waterfall of dark tresses that are spilling across the pillow in front of her, Olivia's hair slipping through her fingers like silk.
"Liv, it's okay," she repeats quietly. "I'm sure it'll be over soon."
"You're sure what will be over soon?" Olivia replies in a prickly tone.
"The storm," Amanda answers gently, continuing to caress her hand through Olivia's hair, noticing with no small amount of wonderment that the older woman appears to be leaning ever so slightly into her touch now, instead of edging away from her.
"I never said I was scared of the storm," her boss snaps, although her actions don't match her tone when she lets out a soft sigh of what appears to be disappointment as Amanda pulls her hand away.
"You don't have to say it," Amanda responds as casually as she can, not wanting Olivia to get all riled up and defensive about the situation. "I think it's more than obvious, Liv. But it's perfectly okay," she scrambles to assure her.
"It's not okay," she thinks she hears Olivia mutter under her breath, the other woman finally seeming to acknowledge her fear, and Amanda's heart aches for her.
"It is okay," she says softly, listening as Olivia heaves another sigh and watching as she finally turns her head around on the pillow, fixing Amanda with a glare of protest and opening her mouth to respond, when another streak of lightening brightens the room and momentarily blinds them before the resounding crash of thunder makes them both wince at the ear-shattering noise.
Amanda can feel Olivia trembling beside her on the mattress, the bed beginning to shake slightly from the force of the other woman's movements, and she decides to take a chance, knowing full well that there is the very likely potential of rejection but needing to at least try to provide the other woman with some comfort. She slides over so that their bodies are pressed together now and slowly wraps an arm around Olivia's waist, waiting with bated breath for her boss to snarl at her and struggle out of her embrace.
She is pleasantly surprised when not only does Olivia remain in her current position but she actually seems to relax into Amanda's gentle hold, and she can feel the older woman's racing heart rate calming down to a more natural rhythm. She feels honored that Olivia is actually accepting comfort from her, a warm feeling spreading throughout Amanda's chest, and she continues to cradle Olivia securely within her embrace as they watch the storm raging outside the window, the chain lightning creating quite a dazzling display as it zigzags through the air in front of them.
"See, it doesn't have to be scary," Amanda soothes quietly, running her fingertips lightly over the satin skin of Olivia's arm. "It can be beautiful." She is relieved when she feels Olivia nod against her shoulder in apparent agreement, as Amanda's only intention is to console her, not wanting to come off as condescending and hoping Olivia doesn't look at it that way.
She is stunned at the vulnerability that Olivia is allowing her to see right now, her boss not usually one to share her emotions and seeming to keep everything locked up tightly inside, unwilling or unable to part with the secrets that she holds so close. Amanda had caught very brief glimpses of the other side of Olivia's personality that is kept mostly hidden from view after Lewis had kidnapped and tortured her, when Dodds had been shot, and when she and Tucker had broken up, but this particular issue is not one that she has previously been made aware of.
"How did I not know about this after all these years of working together?" Amanda wonders aloud, although she privately admits that there are so many other things she likely doesn't know about Olivia, just like there are so many things that Olivia doesn't know about her.
There is an ache of sadness residing inside her chest now because she would give anything for that to be different and is determined to at least try to fix things between them. She is used to feeling beneath Olivia; immature and not as smart or capable, and it seems strange to be comforting her like this, to be the one that Olivia is relying on for help in her time of need, but it also seems right, like whatever it was that has been missing between them for all of this time is finally sliding into place.
"It's not exactly something I like to advertise," Olivia replies dryly. "A lieutenant who is afraid of thunderstorms? I wouldn't be too thrilled if this became public knowledge. And there isn't even a rhyme or reason for it; it's just something that has terrified me for as long as I can remember. It doesn't even make sense."
"Everyone is afraid of something, Liv," Amanda murmurs sympathetically. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. My sister is afraid of thunderstorms too. And fear doesn't have to make sense. Sometimes it's just there." She pauses briefly. "Besides, I think it's cute." The words are out of her mouth before she can stop them, and again, she puts the blame directly on the alcohol.
"It's not cute, it's embarrassing," Olivia snaps out, struggling to remove herself from Amanda's embrace, but she tightens her hold around the older woman's waist, a string of apologies falling from her lips as she is not ready to let go quite yet.
"I just meant that it's nice to see a more human side to you," Amanda hastily corrects. "I didn't mean for it to sound disrespectful. It's just nice to see you letting your walls down for once and showing that you can be vulnerable." She realizes that she is last person who should be giving a lecture on being vulnerable when she herself holds everything inside as well, but Amanda wants Olivia to see that she is serious about this; that it's okay for the older woman to confide in her and that she won't share her secrets with anyone else, but doesn't want to offend her boss in the process and certainly doesn't want the brunette to vacate the bed like she seems to be intent on doing.
"Rollins, where are your pants?" Olivia suddenly asks, finally seeming to realize that Amanda has been cuddling with her while only half dressed.
"Well, I'm not wearing any, Liv," she answers sheepishly, having completely forgotten that she had shed her pajama pants due to the heat in the apartment that is steadily becoming more pronounced, especially now that she is curled up so closely next to her boss.
"Yes, I noticed," Olivia replies dryly.
"They're on the floor over there," Amanda continues, gesturing vaguely with one hand while keeping the other wrapped firmly around the other woman's body. "To be perfectly honest, Liv, I always sleep in the nude," she admits in a low tone, part of her realizing that she would never be divulging this information if it wasn't for the help of the booze and if Olivia hadn't been sharing a normally unseen part of herself, unable to stop the words from tumbling out of her mouth. "It's much more comfortable that way, especially during the summer. I'm so overheated that I'm just about ready to rip the rest of my clothes off right now." She is painfully aware that she needs to stop talking before Olivia becomes extremely offended and decides to throw her out of her own bed.
The older woman doesn't make any sudden movements to indicate that Amanda is about to be kicked onto the floor, but she does make a humming sound deep down in her throat that Amanda is unable to interpret. She is not sure if the noise is merely a response to what she has just said, or if it indicates disgust or indifference or possibly something else, and is curious to note that Olivia doesn't seem quite as disconcerted with Amanda's lack of clothing as she had expected her to be.
"Are you alright?" Olivia questions in concern, changing the topic of conversation very quickly. "Your heart is pounding really hard."
Amanda realizes that the other woman is correct, and is suddenly aware of how fast her heart is racing inside her chest, mindful that Olivia can feel it perfectly as well since they are still pressed up against each other, and she is flooded with embarrassment, willing herself to calm down as she is the one who is supposed to be providing the comfort right now. But Olivia has seemed to sense that something is not quite right and is now rubbing her hand up and down Amanda's back in a soothing repetitive motion, her other hand coming to rest gently on her forearm and giving it a slight squeeze.
"What's wrong?" her boss asks quietly, and Amanda feels totally conflicted at the moment; unsure of whether to twist herself out of Olivia's arms and make a run for it or to push the brunette back against the headboard and plant a searing kiss right on her lips.
All she can see and feel and smell is Olivia, her senses assaulting her with the smoothness of the other woman's skin, the lingering scent of her vanilla perfume, and those huge dark eyes boring into her own blue ones, a questioning look in that steady gaze. Before Amanda even knows what she is doing, her body seems to have made the decision for her as she is suddenly leaning toward the other woman, her hands sliding up to grip lightly onto her boss' upper arms, pausing briefly so that their breaths mingle together for a few seconds and then pressing her lips gently against Olivia's.
The kiss is very tentative at first, Olivia's lips smooth and plump and tasting like a mixture of alcohol and mint beneath her own, and Amanda is shocked to feel no resistance from the brunette other than a slight hesitation that disappears almost instantly, the kiss deepening in intensity. The butterflies that have been fluttering around in Amanda's stomach for the majority of the evening seem to be beating their wings furiously now, her heart thumping out of control once again and sweat blooming along her hairline. Never in her life has something felt so right, so perfect, and she is gratified to hear that low hum coming from inside Olivia's throat once more, the backs of the other woman's knuckles gliding along her cheekbone.
Finally, Amanda reluctantly pulls away, both of them breathing very hard and starting intently into one another's eyes, the storm continuing its violent and deafening wrath outside the window, but neither one of them paying any attention to it now as it suddenly seems like nothing else in the world exists except the new and passionate experience they had just shared together.
"What are you doing?" Olivia asks in confusion, her voice coming out in a choked whisper, like she hadn't responded to the kiss just as fervently as Amanda had.
Amanda blinks in surprise and is immensely glad for the darkness in the room so that Olivia is unable to see the blush spreading rapidly across her cheeks. "Um..." She clears her throat awkwardly, twisting the sheet around in her sweaty grip. "Comforting you?"
Amanda thinks she sees Olivia's lips twitch briefly in amusement before the older woman is fixing her with a stern expression. "I think this goes against superior/subordinate regulations."
"I won't tell if you won't," Amanda says lightly, her heart sinking in her chest because she can hear it in Olivia's voice and see it on her face; instant and utter regret.
"I'm your boss, Amanda," Olivia chastises gently, finally deciding to address her by her first name, the other woman's hand grazing Amanda's bare thigh in what is likely supposed to be a placating gesture, but only serves to heighten her arousal, Amanda shivering beneath the light touch. "And I shouldn't have kissed you back."
"I came onto you, Liv, not the other way around," Amanda mumbles, a deep amount of shame coursing through her now to mix with the insistent arousal, feeling like she has taken advantage of Olivia when the other woman has actually needed some rare comfort.
"But I didn't stop you," Olivia replies quietly, her fingertips still resting against Amanda's bare skin and seeming to create a fire beneath them, her thigh burning hotter than the rest of her body.
"I'm sorry," Amanda whispers regretfully, moving away from her boss and sliding across the sheets in preparation of returning to her makeshift bed on the floor, but wanting nothing more than to flee the apartment into the stormy darkness of the night.
"I didn't say you had to leave your own bed," Olivia answers gently, reaching out an arm for Amanda with an unreadable expression on her face, but she quickly sidesteps out of the brunette's reach and feels frantically around on the floor with her hand, desperate to locate her pants so that she doesn't have to endure this conversation while half naked. "I'm not upset with you, Amanda."
"Well, you should be," she mutters, keeping her gaze averted as she thankfully locates the other half of her pajama set and slides the bottoms up her legs, securing them tightly around her hips with a drawstring.
"Well, I'm not," Olivia says softly, her hand still outstretched as if waiting for Amanda to take hold of it, the look on her face slightly imploring now. "Please come here."
Amanda takes a hesitant step back toward the bed and considers perching on the edge of the mattress next to the older woman but decides to remain standing, choosing not to take the proffered hand, Olivia slowly lowering her arm down to rest in her lap as she regards Amanda with a serious gaze.
"So...this is new," Olivia says somewhat awkwardly, after a long moment of uncomfortable silence between them.
"It's not new," Amanda confesses in a low tone, and once again the words seem to come tumbling forth from her parted lips without permission to leave the privacy of her brain. "At least not for me." She has become so used to living with these hidden feelings that they are now a part of her, a second skin of sorts, and now that they are out in the open and on display like this, there is a sickly sense of terror that is invading her mind; the heartbreaking knowledge that even though Olivia had kissed her back with a surprising amount of passion, she is still about to be shot down and rejected.
"Oh," Olivia says softly in response, and there seem to be a myriad of emotions playing across her boss' features now, although Amanda is unable to decipher exactly what they are until one in particular suddenly comes through loud and clear, her head tilting to the side in perplexity as it appears to be uncertainty. "Well, I can't deny that the thought hasn't crossed my mind from time to time."
Amanda's jaw drops open at these quietly uttered words from her lieutenant, her heart beginning to pound again but this time in a more hopeful rhythm, and she is barely able to contain the shock and optimism that is thrumming through her now. "Really?" she whispers incredulously, not caring how young and pathetic she must sound at the moment. "You've actually thought about it?"
"It doesn't matter, though, Amanda," Olivia replies very gently, again reaching out as if to touch her, but Amanda sidesteps away from her again, frowning at the older woman's reply and feeling like her emotions are being yanked violently back and forth from one extreme to the other.
"Why doesn't it matter?" she asks in confusion, taking note that the storm that has been raging outside seems to be diminishing just as the storm inside of her is taking root and threatening to explode.
"Nothing can happen between us, Amanda," Olivia answers, and there is a hint of steel apparent beneath the tender way she has been speaking, a warning for Amanda not to argue, but she has never let the older woman's tone of voice or warnings stop her before and decides that she is not about to start now.
"I already said that I won't tell if you won't." Amanda is very aware that she is pushing her luck with the brunette; that immaturity and need and alcohol are combining together to create a potentially dangerous combination and that it would probably be in her best interest to back off and stop talking.
"Nothing can happen between us," Olivia repeats firmly, her dark gaze boring intensely into Amanda's own wide blue eyes. "I'm your boss. It's wrong."
"But I think-" Amanda stops talking almost as soon as she starts, biting off the words abruptly as her heart gives a quick leap inside of her chest, catching herself just in the nick of time as her biggest secret has been about to come spewing forth from a mouth that seems to be having trouble keeping itself shut that night.
"You think what?" Olivia prods softly, those large brown eyes continuing to bore into her own with an unwavering intensity, the chocolate orbs swimming with so many varying emotions that Amanda feels like her head is spinning.
She shakes her head in response, her heart shattering into a million pieces as the relationship that she so desperately wants to have with Olivia seems to be over before it has even begun, the potential of a much more intimate connection between them close enough to reach out and touch but sliding away from her grasp and out of her reach.
"Nothing," Amanda whispers in despair, unable to put a voice to her innermost thoughts, the seven-word sentence that she had almost slipped out with remaining locked up inside, never to be told.
I think I'm in love with you.