A/N Booyah! I'm back baby. Sorry about leaving Flume I am working on new chapters and if anyone is still reading it hopefully they will get an ending anyway onto this story. I've been working on this off and on for the past while its my first non AH story so its been difficult to write but hopefully you all like it. Thanks to Beetlebum101 for just general awesomeness and help with all my stories. I hate long author notes so on with the show.
Pancakes for dinner
I tossed my backpack on the yellowing chair by the bed and felt a small weight almost topple me back; arms latched on around my waist and I felt a sort of warm feeling shoot from my fingertips to my heart.
"I've been so bored! What took you so long?" The tiny girl sang into my ear.
"Sorry, Alice, I had an S.A.T. prep class with Angela," I sighed, not revealing that I would have much rather been here with her.
"How was it?" Alice asked, eyes shining with curiosity at my absolutely boring day.
"Not bad," I replied, as I picked up on the odd sound of jingling metal. I realized Alice was wearing some bracelets that reached halfway up her wrist and clinked as she walked over to the window. She had on nice jeans and a t-shirt; it almost seemed as if she had plans to go somewhere. "You look nice. You going out later?"
"I wish," Alice sighed, flopping back on the bed, her small spikes of hair bouncing as she did. "They won't let me go anywhere after last time."
Ah, last time – when we snuck out. I was the first person to say no, thinking it was a bad idea, but she begged me and I just couldn't say no. "You want to go for a walk?" I asked, pointing to the door.
Alice nodded, skipping her way over to me and linking our arms as we walked out of her room and down the corridor. We passed the nurses' station and I gave Sam a wave and motioned to the front door. She nodded in understanding.
The cold air of Forks hit us like a freight train. I was used to it, but I felt Alice shudder. I always found it odd that she loved the outdoors, yet, every time we stepped outside she seemed to slink back, like the weight of the world was going to crush her. We walked around the hospital, talking about nothing of importance. Sometimes I just liked to look at her while she talked. I know I should be paying attention to what she's saying but I get distracted by the way her mouth moves.
"Are you listening to me at all?" Alice waved a hand in my face, so close I almost got cross-eyed.
"Sorry, I spaced for a second." I tried angling my body towards her as we walked to show I was paying attention now.
"It's okay, it doesn't matter. I was just saying it's a lovely night."
"Yeah, it is." I craned my neck to the sky, trying to spot the first star. "First star." I pointed to the sky, Alice's gaze following me, and we recited together the same saying we had since we first met when we were fifteen.
"Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight; I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight."
I scrunched my eyes closed and wished for more time; more time to be with Alice so I could tell her how I feel; just more time for her to be healthy, although, today seemed liked a good day and I'm glad for that.
"What did you wish for?" I asked as Alice opened her eyes. The baby blue seemed almost grey in the dim light.
"Same thing I always wish for." Alice looked away from me, staring into the tree line.
"And what is that?" I asked, with a slight smile.
"Pancakes for dinner." Alice turned to me with a smile in her eyes and I couldn't help but laugh. It seemed like such a long time since we had just laughed.
"It seems like a simple enough wish." We had circled the hospital and headed back inside. "Why don't you go back to your room and I'll see if I can score some pancakes?"
We parted ways silently heading in different directions. I reached the cafeteria, picking up a tray and sliding it along the metal bars until I reached the stuff that sort of looked like food. Note to self: bring own pancakes next time. I got the pancakes and some single servings of maple syrup. Everything in hospitals seemed to be single servings, like it was more sanitary that way, with their little packs of ketchup. When I got back to Alice's room she was sitting crossed legged on the bed and I put down the tray on the stand that wheeled over the bed. I took a seat and watched as Alice seemed to flip the pancake over, examining both sides like she couldn't decide which looked better.
"You know you can't eat both sides just pick one," I said, with a chuckle.
"Well, maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do," Alice replied in a short tone.
I had to say, I knew Mary-Alice Brandon pretty well. We had been friends for three years and we saw each other almost every day. She is my best friend, my family and I'm crazy in love with her. She seems to know everything but the last part. I have a feeling she knows, but she won't do anything about it because I don't think she wants me to get too close because of her condition. I don't know what it is exactly; it seemed like a lot of big words that boiled down to, 'you may not make it to your nineteenth birthday.'
I didn't know all this when I first met Alice, but if I could go back to that fateful day when I tripped on an ice patch and cut my hand and ended up in hospital, I would do it all over again. I would fall hard and get my dad to rush me to that hospital, because when I met that spiky haired devil, I fell even harder than I ever thought I could. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I had just come to live with Charlie – hadn't even been here two days – and bam! I land myself in hospital; no surprise there. When I was in the exam room, a girl pulled open the curtain that divided us and tilted her head, her icy blue eyes cutting me up and down as she asked, "What did you do to your hand?"
"I didn't do much; it was mostly the ground and the ice. It was a double team, I hardly stood a chance." I shrugged my shoulders as she giggled and I got a tingly feeling in my chest, but waved it off as painkillers.
"Just eat your dinner," I scolded, bringing myself back to the present, as Alice ate her breakfast for dinner.
After Alice ate we watched some lifetime movie I can't remember. I didn't really pay attention because I was sitting on Alice's bed, focusing on her head resting in the crook of my arm, while she watched on. I spent most of my time trying to control my heart rate.
"You know, I always wondered what my family would be like if they existed," Alice sighed.
I hated when she got herself down like this. It wasn't like her, but she seemed to be doing it more and more.
"Like, you have Charlie's eyes and the same coloured hair and quiet disposition, but I have no idea if I get my eye colour from my mom or my dad." Alice's eyes looked glazed, almost far away as she spoke.
Alice didn't have any family and it amazed me that someone could have given her up. With her condition, people weren't exactly jumping up and down to adopt her, so her life has been a mix of social workers and doctors. It's moments like this when I see how grateful I should really be.
"Your eye colour is simply you. I've been on this planet eighteen years and haven't seen another like it. You get your hair colour from being a chimney sweep in a previous life and you get your great sense of humour from me," I said kissing the top of her head, as I felt laughter rake through her body.
"Okay, I may have to agree with you there."
"See, I'm never wrong." I smiled down at her and she looked at me with incredulity swimming in her eyes.
"What about that time–"
"Shhhh, you need your rest," I cut in quickly, as I pulled myself away from her. It was hard but it's a difficulty I have sadly become used to. I leaned over, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek as I made for the exit.
It was weird leaving this place. I used to hate it, but now I don't feel right unless I'm here.
Xxx
"Alice, can we please do something else? Anything," I begged, as I pulled the sheet of used paper from my book bag.
"No, this is my bucket list. I want it written." She pointed at me to sit. If she didn't have me wrapped around that dainty finger of hers I would never do it.
I hated writing down all the things she would never have the chance to do. It just felt like torture to me. I mean, she's not going to get married or see the Great Wall of China or witness the Northern Lights. It was amazing enough that she wasn't always connected up to a damn machine.
"No. No, I won't do it; it's too hard. I don't understand why you need me to do it." I tossed the pen and paper on the seat, refusing to sit. Alice didn't have the energy to get out of bed today but it didn't mean I wanted to sit around and think about this.
Alice's eyes fluttered closed as she spoke. "Because when I'm gone I want you to do these things for me. You can live life enough for the both of us."
I moved to sit on the edge of the bed. It was so hard to even pretend to be mad at her. I exhaled all my pent up frustration, crossing my arms over my chest as she sat up, leaning her head on my shoulder. It looked like she was fighting to stay awake.
"What if I don't want to?" I huffed, like an indignant child.
"Then that's too bad 'cause if you don't, I'm gonna haunt the crap out of you." Alice smiled, and I tried not to, but it was kind of funny.
"Fine." I picked up the pen and paper.
Alice lay back in bed and spoke softly, almost in a whisper, "I want to go to college."
I smiled at that. I always knew she liked to learn. "What college?' I asked, needing details.
"Hmmm," She pondered aloud. "What college do you want to go to?" She asked me.
"Um… I'm applying to Seattle, Columbia and Dartmouth."
"And what's your favourite?"
"Dartmouth, I guess," I said, without really thinking. "It's not like I even have a chance but it's my first choice."
"Then I want to go to Dartmouth." Alice sighed, rubbing her eyes.
"What else?" I asked quickly, so she could get some sleep.
"I want to go to England and meet the queen," she said and I jotted it down as number thirty-seven.
"Wow, not making this easy on me, eh?" I laughed, reading over the old points.
"Well, what's on your list?" Alice asked me. I honestly hadn't thought about it.
I guess that's where we differ. Alice has to think about these things and I have the luxury of time. Well, at least I hope I do. I took a moment, placing the paper back down. I looked into the florescent lights, trying to think of one thing I want to do before I die. I moved my gaze to Alice. She had turned on her side, facing away from me. It was still pretty early to sleep but I lay down beside her, curling my legs under hers. The bed was hardly big enough but because Alice was so tiny, it seemed to work. I placed my arm lightly on her side, careful not to wake her.
"This seems pretty good to me," I muttered into the short spikes at the back of her head.
I felt a pull on my arm as Alice instinctively held my arm against her chest, cuddling into it.
Xxx
I took a match, striking it against the side of the box and watching the sparks, trying to see the exact moment it turned into a flame. I held the match in my fingers, turning it and letting the flame get closer and closer to my fingertips. It seemed like an odd thing to do sitting outside a hospital but I tried not to dwell on it. Alice was with one of the doctors so I wasn't allowed in yet. The smell of the hospital started to bug me so I thought I'd wait outside. I scanned all the old cars. None of them even worth looking at twice but my truck did stand out, being one of the biggest pieces of crap here. I loved it, though; everything from the flaky paint job to the radio that only gets one station. I wonder what the doctor is saying to Alice; I wish they could tell me something.
"Ouch," I hissed, as the flame hit the tips of my fingers and I dropped the match to the concrete.
"That's what happens when you play with fire," a singsong voice said behind me, and I didn't have to turn around to know who it was. "You get burned."
"I forgot I was still holding it," I said, rubbing my fingers together.
Alice took a seat beside me on the steps, her leg lining up with mine so they were touching all the way to the knee.
"What has you thinking so hard?" Alice stared outwards past the cars into the surrounding woodland area.
"I was just thinking about you," I smiled and Alice bumped my shoulder playfully. "I was wondering what the doctor was telling you."
Alice didn't answer right away. She took a few deep breaths, gulping the air back like water on a hot sunny day. She squinted and I knew that meant she was thinking about something so I stayed silent, watching the details of her face shift slightly.
"Would you run away with me?" Alice spoke calmly. "I would do it but I don't want to go alone."
I let her words seep into my brain. I sat silent as images flashed in my head of us on the road, in the cab of my truck, laughing and singing along with the radio; it was like nothing could touch us. It was a fun idea; we could eat at diners and have pancakes for dinner every day and maybe do some of the stuff on her list. I smiled at the thought, but then reality hit: Alice would get sick. It's been getting worse lately; we wouldn't get by two days. Alice's hand slipped into mine and she gave it a small squeeze.
"I think it's the best idea I've heard all day, when do we leave?" I said with a joking laugh. I couldn't say no. How could I let my best friend down?
"I'm not joking, Bells." She spoke calmly. The tone in her voice sent a chill up my spine and I knew she was being serious.
"You can't be serious, we wouldn't last two days. What did the doctor say to you?" I held onto her hand, looking into her tired eyes as I spoke. She was starting to scare me.
"Yeah, but two days out in the world where anything could happen sounds a lot better than just fading away in this place."
"You're not fading away; I'm not going to let that happen." I could see tears hiding in her eyes.
"I'm sorry to say this, but that isn't your decision to make, no matter how much I wish it was." As she spoke I leaned my head on her shoulder, lightly brushing my cheek against the soft fabric. "I can't tell you how great you are, Bella, and I can't thank you enough for being my friend."
I closed my eyes, willing her to stop talking, but it just pushed the tears from my eyes. They ran down my face and I didn't wipe them away.
"I like to hope sometimes that we might meet again in another life, and hopefully under different circumstances."
I'm not going to let her die. It's not going to happen. I need her too much. I'd sell my soul if I had to; hell, I'd sell it twice. "How long do we have?" I asked her, the shaky nature of my voice betraying me.
"It's better for you if you don't know." Alice said, as I lifted my head and she moved to stand.
I had heard those words before but I couldn't pinpoint where. The words disturbed me for some reason, like there were bells going off in my head. I followed her silently back to her room, letting the warmth heat me as I took off my jacket. Alice moved to get into her bed and she looked so thin and shaky I moved quickly to help her. She settled herself under the sheets and I took the seat next to the bed.
"Do you remember when we used to have sleep overs at your house and we stayed up all night to watch that film and it was really horrible?" Alice leaned back, putting her hands behind her head. "What was that film again?"
"I think it was The Blair Witch Project. We could do that again, you know. Without the Blair Witch part, of course. I could ask Sam?"
Alice sighed, not looking at me. "I don't think they will let me this time."
"I could sneak you out again," I smirked, trying to lighten the mood.
"Yeah, 'cause that worked out so well the last time." Alice laughed, but it didn't seem like a real laugh; it seemed forced. "Do you think we were meant to meet, or do you think it was just chance?"
I suppressed a laugh, thinking of the beginning of our friendship. Yes, the first time we met was an accident and, while I am accident-prone, I seemed to almost try to land myself in here sometimes. "Well, I think I had something to do with it."
"Yeah, I can't believe you were stupid enough to try and get yourself into hospital." Alice glared at me, but it wasn't very convincing.
"I just wanted to see you again." People have done stupider things for love.
"Yeah, three months of cuts and bruises and one concussion, when you could have just said hi," Alice looked me up and down, disapprovingly.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time," I reasoned. Plus, I learned how to ride that bike in the end. "And it worked, you can't argue with results." I smiled, causing her to murmur something I couldn't quite hear.
Xxx
I took a bite of my toast and the silence of Sunday breakfast with Charlie was broken when he grumbled disapprovingly at some story in the paper.
"More people going missing in Seattle. See, that's why I like living in a small town. You couldn't pay me to live there."
"Why do you read it if it upsets you so much?" I questioned.
"I like to keep informed." He put down the paper, scratching his sideburn as he began to speak. "So, what are your plans for today?"
"Oh, you know, the usual. Probably just hang out with Alice, do some studying," I shrugged.
"Bells, I don't want you to take this the wrong way." He cleared his throat, looking at the table and catching my attention. "I love Alice and I know you guys are close, but I'm just worried about what's going to happen when–"
"Don't finish that sentence," I cut in. "Nothing's going to happen, okay!" I got up from my chair, grabbing my jacket and making a quick exit.
I hopped into my truck, digging in my pockets for the keys. I took them with a shaky hand and tried to slip it into the ignition but dropped them instead. I rested my head against the steering wheel. The words that Alice had said last night haunted my thoughts. "It's better for you if you don't know." I knew I had heard those words before, but where? I cursed my bad memory. I blindly searched for my keys on the floor, desperately trying not to think too much about what Charlie had just said.
I made my way to the hospital; the small journey I could probably drive in my sleep now. The automatic doors whooshed open and the smell of disinfectant and something else I couldn't identify hit me, but it was oddly reassuring. I passed the empty nurses' desk and made my way to Alice's room. The door was closed and I opened it without knocking.
"Oh, sorry," I muttered, moving my eyes to the floor, as a nurse seemed to give Alice some sort of injection. I quickly stepped backwards out the room and leaned against the wall. The nurse left the room and passed me without a glimpse.
"You can come in now!" Alice yelled from inside her room.
"Sorry about that," I said, staring at the ground still. I guess I was early. I moved to the other side of the room, putting my book bag on the floor. I looked up to see Alice had a little cotton bud taped to her arm and one to the top of her hand. "Doesn't that hurt?" I asked without thinking.
"Not really, you kind of get used to it after a while," Alice said, sitting up cross-legged on the bed.
I couldn't imagine getting used to such a thing.
"So, what do you want to do today? I could kick your butt in a game of scrabble." I raised my eyebrows, setting up the challenge.
"Okay, first of all, I let you win. Second, I'm not really feeling like scrabble today."
I wish I could take her out and do something fun. It was an oddly sunny day today. I looked out the window and the sky was a clear blue and the trees were a light green – a clear sign of early spring.
"What homework do you have?" Alice asked, as I continued to stare out the window.
Homework… not even I cared about homework, and it was mine. "I have a better idea, get dressed," I demanded, before leaving the room.
It was an unwritten rule that nurses were the gatekeepers of the hospital. They knew everything about everyone and were all in each other's business. Alice watches them like they're on daytime TV or something. But most importantly, if you wanted out for a few hours they could make you disappear, saying you were at a test or sleeping and shouldn't be disturbed, not that a lot of people were checking up on us.
"Hey, Sam," I shouted to Samantha, giving her a small wave. We had become, well, not exactly friends, but she was nice and friendly, unlike some of the others.
"What do you want now, Bella?" Sam huffed, ticking some forms, a wisp of her brunette hair falling in front of her eyes.
"Come on, can't a girl just say hi to a friend anymore?" I tried to act innocent.
She looked up at me, her brown eyes piercing my own and she gave me that look that said "Yeah, right. Just hurry up and ask."
"Okay, fine. Gosh, stop looking at me like that. I want to take Alice out for a few hours… three, tops." I tried to pass it off as no big deal.
"Sorry, Bella, that's just not possible. It's too risky," she said, without really looking at me.
"Please," I begged, putting my hands together. "She's been so down lately; I just want to cheer her up a little. We'll be back before you know it."
"I can't. Maybe if you ask one of the doctors."
"Come on, what do doctors know?" I smiled and Sam laughed. I could tell she was beginning to bend to the idea. I looked into her eyes, trying to show her how I needed this. "Please… please." My voice got quiet and she seemed to think over the idea.
"Okay, three hours and not a second more or I will call your father. And if she feels dizzy, lightheaded or even coughs, you bring her back here immediately, do you hear me?" Sam pointed her finger, as I suppressed the urge to jump up and down.
"You have my word," I saluted her. "Thanks, Sam, you're a saint." I waved as I walked backwards to the room and I could see the sly smile creep on Sam's face as I left. I rushed back to Alice, almost tripping on my own feet as I reached the doorframe. "Who's the most awesome person you know?" I asked as I entered the room.
Alice turned to me and I looked her up and down. She had changed from pyjamas into jeans and a blouse. I was always amazed at how she always seemed to look effortlessly beautiful.
"Hmm, I don't know?"
"Well you do now; it's me. I just got us a day pass, but it's got a limited time only sort of deal so we got to go now." I grabbed Alice's hand and she picked her coat up before we left.
We reached my truck and I mentally cursed not having a faster, more reliable car. I opened the door and helped Alice inside then jogged to the driver's side. The truck started with a loud grumble, as the vibrations shot through the cab and the radio turned itself on.
"So, where do you want to go?" I asked, checking the time.
"Uh…" Alice shrugged and her eyes moved everywhere, like she'd find the answer written somewhere in my truck. "I don't know. Now that I'm out, my mind has gone blank."
I pulled out of the parking lot, heading in no particular direction. We couldn't go to Seattle, it was too far. Port Angeles maybe, but by the time we got there we'd have to come back. It's such a nice day we should try and stay outside… I got it. "I know where we should go." It was only a fifteen-minute drive and was perfect.
"Where?" Alice asked, curiously.
"The beach," I said, like it was the best idea I'd ever had. I tapped my hands against the steering wheel as I drove. The beat from the music was infectious and I bit my lip to keep from singing the words out loud. Alice didn't seem to have that problem; she never shies away from anything like that and she had a great singing voice. I watched Alice from the corner of my eye as she stared at the blur of trees we passed.
There were a few cars I recognised as I parked in the small lot next to the beach. I wondered if Jake was here as we headed toward the sand. I would like for Jake to meet Alice; I think they'd make good friends. They both seem to have this inner happiness that just makes you want to be around them. I took a seat in the sand, as Alice kicked of her shoes next to me and walked around in the sand. The sun glistened off the water and the tips of the waves turned a snowy white as they hit the shore. I would take the smell of the ocean over the smell of hospitals any day of the week.
This is one thing I did love about Forks – being close to the ocean; it was relaxing. Living in Phoenix, I seemed to almost suffocate in the heat. It's funny that in Forks a sunny day is special; it makes you feel like you should cherish it. But in phoenix no one seems to bother because sunny days are a dime a dozen. I squinted against the sun, feeling it heat my pale skin. I put my hand up to my forehead, trying to block the light. Alice seemed to throwing rocks into the ocean and huffing once they landed with a small splash. She picked up another and pulled back her arm, swinging it forward and again the rock landed with an unenthusiastic splash.
"What are you trying to do?" I yelled, trying to grab her attention.
"I'm trying to make a radio out of coconut shells and seaweed. What does it look like? I'm trying to skip rocks, but they're all defective!" Alice shouted and I fell back as a chuckle raked through my body.
I pushed myself up, wiping the sand form my jeans as I did. I scanned the sand for a good-sized, flat rock. I found a few good ones and shoved them in my pockets as I reached the water's edge. Charlie and I used to do this all the time when I was younger, though I'm not as good as he is at it.
"You need a really flat rock, see." I showed her the one in my hand, spinning it in my fingers. "You need to hold it between your thumb and pointer finger." I held the rock in-between my fingers, slowly pulled my arm back and quickly flicked it forward, releasing the small black rock as it bounced three times over the water, before disappearing silently.
"That's not fair, it works for you." Alice pouted and I had to refrain from laughing.
"Here." I took one of the rocks from my pocket, handing it to her. "Now, remember what I said." she held the rock between her fingers and I moved to stand behind her. I placed one hand on her waist and tried to ignore the dull tingle that shot up my arm. I moved her feet with mine to line them up and I took my other hand, mirroring her grip on the stone. "You need to bring your arm all the way back." I slowly pulled her arm back. I was so close to her ear I could almost see my breath part the strands of her hair as I spoke. "Then, quickly whip it forward and just let go." In the blink of an eye, she whipped the rock across the water and it skimmed the surface four times before it returned to the ocean.
Alice bounced up and down with excitement. As she turned to face me, her smile lit up her eyes and the blue seemed to cut right through me. She hugged me close, putting her arms around my neck and pulling me into her.
"I did it, I did it. Thank you," Alice spoke, with glee.
"No problem," I murmured into her shoulder, smelling her skin as I did. It was a smell I couldn't quite describe, almost like sunshine and rain mixed together.
We made our way down the beach and I watched as Alice danced against the water's edge. She would make a great dancer if she had the time, I thought, solemnly. The waves crashed in and she bounced back, keeping her feet from the water but sinking into the wet sand. I looked down the beach and I could almost make out some shapes of people. As I peered down the beach, I felt some water hit me in the face and instantly looked in the direction the water had come from. Alice stood close to the water, hands behind her back, eyes rolled to the sky. I can't believe she kicked water at me.
"Did you just kick water at me?" I asked, tasting traces of saltwater on my lips.
"Nope," Alice replied innocently, jutting out her lower lip. Then she did it again, but only a few drops hit me.
I dramatically wiped the water from my face. That was it; game on. I sat on the sand, quickly unlacing my sneakers and rolling up the bottoms of my jeans. I walked with an unabashed determination and as I got closer, the sand seemed to slip, pulling my feet into it with each step I took. Alice seemed stunned for a moment before she got the idea to run and I chased after her along the water's edge. The cold water felt refreshing as it came up to my ankles. It was still cold but the cold seemed to shoot a buzz of energy into my body. As I got closer, I kicked the water at her so it barely hit her in the legs. I didn't want her to get soaked or catch a cold. That would be really bad. Alice turned as the cold water hit her.
"Truce!" She called, short of breath.
I leaned over, bracing my hands on my kneecaps and inhaling the salty air. "Truce," I gasped, raising one hand. "When did we get so old?" I asked Alice as we continued down the beach.
"Hey, you're only as old as you feel, and I feel like ice-cream," Alice giggled, her eyes getting that faraway look.
"Is food all you ever think about? Let me guess," I put my hand to my forehead, taking a moment for a psychic reading. "You are thinking about Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough."
Alice made the sound of a buzzer, indicating I was wrong. "Close, but no. I'm in more of an Oatmeal Cookie Chunk kind of mood. You kind of suck at being a psychic."
"Ha! Like you're any better," I laughed.
"Hey, Bella!" A male voice shouted and I turned from Alice to see the waving form of Mike Newton. I noticed a few other people as well. I waved back when I noticed Angela, Ben, Eric and Jessica.
They seemed to be sitting round a fire pit but had no fire going – just some shabby looking driftwood was piled in the middle. They had a radio blaring and Jessica seemed to pull Mike back down to sit beside her. I took a seat around the fire and Alice stayed close to my side. She had met Angela a few times but the rest were new to her. I sat next to Angela who had Ben on her other side.
"Bella, I didn't know you were going to the beach today; we would have waited for you guys," Angela said, always nervous about making someone feel left out.
"That's fine, Ang, it wasn't planned. We just thought it was such a nice day," I spoke, as I watched some of the guys stare at Alice. They were the same when I got here, like they'd never seen a girl before. "Hey, guys, this is Alice. Alice, this is Ben, Eric, Mike and Jessica and you know Angela."
They all knew of Alice but didn't really know her and it made for an awkward silence. The wind started to pick up and there was a chill in the air.
"Hey, have you ever seen a driftwood fire?" I whispered to Alice, as everyone continued on with his or her own conversations. She just shook her head, no.
I took some of my trusty matches to the dry piece of wood. The flame was small at first but then quickly started to spread. I took my seat next to Alice and we watched the flame engulf the driftwood. The flame turned a green/blue colour as it absorbed the salt ingrained into the wood. I had seen this before but I found it fun to watch Alice's face as she watched it for the first time. Her blue eyes went wide with a sort of childlike wonder. I watched the time, and it seemed to be dwindling down so quickly.
"Do you guys want to come with us to the diner?" Ben asked us as the others nodded. "I don't know about you guys, but a chocolate milkshake is calling my name." Ben rubbed his stomach as he spoke.
I looked to Alice and she smiled but I knew we didn't have time and I promised Sam I would be back. "Sorry guys, we have to be getting back." There was a grumble of acceptance as we all got up. The guys went forward while Alice, Angela and I stayed to put out the fire.
We walked behind the rest of the group and I spoke to Angela about one of our English assignments. It kept catching my eye that Mike and the other guys kept glancing back at us every few seconds.
"Why are they staring at us?" I whispered to Angela, trying not to alert Alice. I didn't want the guys to make her feel awkward; they seemed fine five minutes ago.
Angela was, I guess, my best friend after Alice. She was quiet but very smart and intuitive. "They're just surprised."
"Why?" I asked, confused. I had no idea how Alice had surprised them. I mean, just by being normal.
"They've known you for, what, three years now and you've smiled more in the last twenty minutes than you have all year. They're not used to seeing you happy." Angela spoke calmly, as I did a double take of her words.
"What? I'm happy all the time. I smile an average amount for a person my age." I almost whispered yelled, but tried to keep our conversation normal. I glanced at Alice but she was in her own world, kicking a rock along the sand.
"I'm not trying to upset you, Bella, so I really hope you don't take this the wrong way. Sometimes when you're at school you're there, but you're not there. I just thought you were quiet but then when I see you with Alice, it's like you're a completely different person." Angela seemed almost nervous to tell me this as she glanced at me every few seconds, then focused back on her feet.
"It's okay, Ang, really. I think I get what you're saying. I just never really noticed before. Is it really that obvious?" I shoved my hand in my pocket, realising I still had a rock, when the side of palm scratched against it.
"I think it's cute the way you glance at each other to make sure your still there." Angela laughed, as I glanced at Alice. I didn't even realise I did it until I turned my head back to Angela. "I was just like that with Ben."
I felt it odd that she had just compared my crush with her one year relationship because I had never mentioned any of my feelings to anyone. Hell, even I didn't really know what I was feeling; how could I explain it to someone else? "Yeah, and now you're all old news and the romance is dead… such a shame, really." I tried to keep a straight face as Angela hit me in the arm, but it was more of a push and I stumbled slightly.
"So, does she know?" Angela raised an eyebrow, keeping her voice low.
I wasn't sure what she was getting at. "Know what?"
"That you like her, duh."
"Ang… first of all, never say duh again in my presence, second, of course she knows. I wouldn't hang out with someone I don't like all the time."
"I mean like like." Angela moved her hands in a rolling motion.
Who says like like anymore? Angela really needs some new phrases. "Yeah, Ang, I asked her to go steady then we went for a malt." I rolled my eyes, now taking her question serious "I can't, it's too complicated." I stared at my shoes as I spoke.
"You know, Alice is a better woman than I for putting up with all your sarcasm. I would have just given up on you after a week."
"Words hurt you know." I tried my best to look offended as Angela placed her arm over my shoulder as we walked. The contact was friendly and more comforting than I thought it would be.
"Hey, what are you guys whispering about?" Alice jogged up to us, her breathing slightly laboured.
Angela retracted her arm quickly, as I tried to think of something believable… uh… believable… what do normal people my age talk about? I met Alice's eyes, as the words just seemed to appear. "Uh… you know just another test, another college application… graduation stuff. Lots to do." Wow, that may have actually been believable.
"Fine, don't tell me." Alice huffed, as she walked past Angela and I to my truck.
"We have to get together some time for a study session. Have you finished your graduation invites?"
"Sure, that's sounds good. Um, yeah. All four of them."
Angela huffed. "Really? I still have, like, fifty to finish."
"Well, if you need some help give me a call," I offered as I headed for my truck, giving the other guys a wave goodbye.
I settled myself in my truck and I noticed Alice had her head propped up in her hand, her elbow against the bottom of the window. She let out a long sigh and I knew something was up. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, today's been great. Better than great."
"Please, just tell me what you're thinking." I needed to know what was going on inside that brain of hers.
"I feel kind of dizzy," Alice said, like it was no big deal.
"Shit." I didn't swear a lot, but I just seemed like an oh, shit moment. I started my truck, throwing it into first and taking off into the streets. "How long have you been feeling dizzy? Why didn't you tell me?"
"It's fine, I didn't want to ruin a perfectly nice day by being me." Alice faced forward, bracing her hands on the dash.
"Alice, you are who you are. Don't hide something from me just in case you think I might not like it; I like all of you. Even the parts you hate, I like." I smiled, thinking about her addiction to daytime dramas and how small she is compared to everyone else our age.
There was a silence as I pushed the rusted heap to its limits. I bit my lip, thinking over everything I had just said. I shouldn't have said like so many times. Stupid Angela, filling my head. I really wanted her to say something, anything, but she wouldn't even look at me. It's not like my dashboard is that interesting. It doesn't have the Da Vinci code written on it. I parked the truck, hopping out and helping Alice at her side.
"I'm fine. I'm fine, I'm feeling a lot better now." Alice spoke, pushing on my shoulder, trying to create some space, but I kept close. We passed two corridors then the nurse's station before we got to her room. She took a seat on the bed, taking heavy breaths as she stared at the ugly beige flooring.
"Do you want me to get someone?" I asked, standing uselessly by the door.
"No, just go, I'll be fine."
Yeah, right, like I'm going anywhere. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Bella, go home, okay?"
"No," I replied, crossing my arms over my chest.
Alice pressed the call button next to her bed and I gave a silent thank you, since she was finally being somewhat sensible. The nurse brushed past me. She was a heavyset woman with short, cropped hair. Her white sneakers squeaked as she shuffled forward. There was a hushed conversation as the nurse looked at me and came towards me. She seemed to overshadow me completely and I looked up to meet her eyes.
"I'm going to have to ask you to leave, the patient needs her rest," the nurse spoke down to me.
I craned my neck around the hulking figure as much as I could. "Alice, come on." I almost fell backward from the room as she closed the door, shutting her in the room.
If she needed privacy I would understand, but she wanted me to go home. She didn't want to see me; she made that much obvious. What was I supposed to do now? I dragged my feet towards the exit and heard the sound of muffled cursing. Sam was trying to shake a candy bar out of a vending machine.
"You know, it works better if you put money in."
"I did but this stupid machine hates me. Do you have any quarters?" Sam asked, as she stopped assaulting the machine.
I searched my pockets pulling out some loose change, putting it in Sam's outstretched hand. She examined the machine and I took this time to ask a question that had been playing on my mind. "Sam, can you tell me what's been up with Alice lately? I know she's been getting worse and she got dizzy and now she practically had me thrown out of her room."
Sam looked at me quizzically. "Thrown out? Really?" I nodded as she faced the machine, "Doesn't Alice tell you anything?"
"She said it's better if I don't know." I scoffed.
"Well, maybe you should respect her wishes," Sam said, all holier than thou.
"I know I shouldn't be the one complaining in this situation, but it's hard on me too." I leaned my arm against the wall as a cushion for my head. All I could see was the white of the wall. "I don't know what I'm going to do." I spoke to the wall and my legs started to shake. "I keep wishing and praying that everything's going to be alright but it's not, is it? She's going to die and I'm going… to be stuck here." I finally said it out loud. I sniffed back instinctively and I could feel the tears in my eyes, but I couldn't find it in me to care. I felt a hand on my back rubbing soothing circles, and I could tell by the ugly white shoes that it was Sam.
"Alice is a strong girl, but we all have our time." Sam's voice was calm and unwavering.
It shouldn't be her time; she's too young. There are too many things she hasn't had the chance to do. I wiped my eyes with the length of my sleeve, the harsh fabric scratching the soft skin and just making my eyes even redder. I whispered a thank you to Sam and left the hospital with my head down, hoping not to catch any looks.
I sat in my truck as it idled. I had hours and days and months with nowhere to go. I just drove; I drove past La Push, into Port Angeles, then Seattle. I parked the car in a street next to some old bookshop. It was early evening and some of the stores were starting to close. I looked in the windows of passing stores, not really looking for anything. I passed a toyshop that had some bears in the window and I was instantly reminded of Alice and her love of bears; she's the only person I know who still has one. Well, she has three, but still I would think it was weird if it wasn't Alice. The bears were all brown and had these orange eyes that kind of reminded me of someone, but I couldn't think who.
I entered the store, casually letting my eyes roam as the boy behind the counter stared on. I went to the stuffed animal section, picking up a giraffe but promptly put it back. Dammit, I left my book bag at the damn hospital. I would need it for school tomorrow. Maybe I should get Alice something. I mean, I don't know what I did but it couldn't hurt to show up with a gift, right? The orange eyed bears were beginning to creep me out but then I saw a pile of white fur. I picked one of the polar bears up examining that it was in fact a stuffed bear. The eyes were a cool blue – like ice. Almost the same as Alice's. I took the bear up to the counter and the bored looking boy rang it up.
"Aren't you a little old for stuffed animals?" He asked, handing me the bag.
I rolled my eyes, not bothering to give him an answer. I got back to my truck tossing the bear inside and making my way back to Forks. I pushed the truck faster on the way back but it still took me a while to make it home. Charlie was already home before I got there.
"Hey, Bells, I ordered a pizza. It's not cold yet if you want some." Charlie yelled from the couch.
I tore off a slice of pizza and then sat beside Charlie. I didn't realize how hungry I was until I saw food.
"Remember to chew," Charlie smirked, as I wolfed it down. "Are you okay?"
I shrugged my shoulders, hoping that would suffice. He would usually just take it as an okay. He leaned forward in his chair looking back at me as he reached for his beer. He didn't say anything else as his attention was taken up by the television.
"Uh… I left my book bag at the hospital, I'll have to go and pick it up. There's some stuff I need for tomorrow." I got up from the couch, stumbling around until I had made it to the door.
Charlie turned to watch me leave and yelled, "Don't be too long, you have school tomorrow."
"Got it," I yelled back, slamming the front door behind me.
I felt nervous as I walked through the dull white halls of the hospital. People were everywhere but no one looked at me twice. I held the bear by the paw like I was helping a small child across the street. I reached her door: the number two hundred and four was on a plastic plaque beside the door. I paused, wondering if I should just walk in or knock. Walk… knock… walk… knock… I raised my hand, knocking softly, then moved my hand to the handle, pushing it open. I stuck the bear in first, hoping to buy myself a few more seconds before I walked in, and there she was, sitting on the bed, her hair in total disarray but she could make it work. It was odd how nervous I was but now that I was here and I could see her, I actually felt more relaxed. It's almost as if when I'm away from her I have these withdrawal symptoms, like she's a drug to me.
I swallowed hard. "Uh… I left my bag." Wow, genius. Thirteen years of education and that's the best I got. I shuffled into the room and the door fell closed behind me.
Alice just sat still looking at me, her face giving away nothing. I noticed she had wires running up her arm, connected to some machine by her bed that was giving off a slow steady beat.
"What's that?" Alice asked, nodding at the polar bear.
I wanted to reply with my normal sarcasm, saying it was some sort of growth I'm having checked out, but I shouldn't. I need to be real in the time we have left. "I was in Seattle and I saw it in a window and it made me think of you." I looked into the plastic blue eyes of the bear then to Alice. They had nothing on Alice. I put the teddy on her bed as I walked round to pick up my book bag. The silence was killing me. I felt like she hadn't spoken to me in years and it had only been two minutes.
"Did I do or say something to upset you?" I asked, ignoring my bag and turning to face Alice.
She had the bear on her lap and she picked at the fur on the top of its head. If I had done something to deserve this silence, I at least deserved to know what it was.
"You haven't done anything, it's me. It's always me." Alice sighed, squeezing the bear closer to her chest.
This is the first time I've actually heard the whole, 'it's not you, it's me' thing and I have to say, it sucks and makes no sense.
"How? How is it you?" I threw my arms up, trying to understand this whole fucked up situation. I don't even know how it started.
"I got jealous, okay? Jealous of you, of your friends." Her voice turned to a whisper. "Of Angela." Alice raised her head, looking at me for some sort of understanding, but I didn't understand.
I just shook my head, looking at the floor. I still didn't understand why she was jealous and got mad at me. Alice moved to the edge of the bed, placing her bare feet on the floor as she leaned her back against the bed for support. "I… I… don't understand."
"There are so many things I'm not going to be able to do. I mean, I haven't even had a first kiss. When I saw you and Angela together and the way she touched you, it just made me realize I'm not going to have the time." Alice moved her hand, softly placing it on the side of my face, her fingertips brushing my hair as her palm cupped my hot cheek. "The time to make you feel all the love you make me feel. I'm sick of trying to stay away from you and I know it's selfish, but I've tried and I don't have the strength anymore."
I couldn't listen to her talk anymore. I leaned in, stealing a kiss from her, doing the thing I had thought about, even dreamt about, but my imagination had nothing on the real thing. Alice ran her palm across my face and into my hair, gripping onto it as my hands found their way to her waist. I let her set the pace and I didn't want to stop, but I had to. I had never hated oxygen so much. My breath was ragged as I pulled back, but just enough to breath. A frantic beeping caught my eye and I chuckled. It's nice to know I have an effect. Alice just ignored me, pulling me back into another kiss, slower this time. I could think this time and enjoyed the feeling of her pressed so tightly against me. I didn't want any more room between us. Alice pulled back, laying her forehead against mine. Her eyes were sparking like the ocean on a sunny day as she smiled. I wanted to say something but couldn't find any words at the moment; my brain had turned to mush.
"I need you to promise me something," Alice said, as we swayed slightly together.
I would promise Alice anything. "What do you need me to promise to do?"
"You need to say it first; you have to promise." Alice's words were desperate and her right hand balled up my shirt, pulling me towards her.
A slight fear crept up my spine, but the warmth in my heart overshadowed it. "Okay… I promise. Now, what is it?"
Alice looked to the ground before she met my eyes. The sparkle was gone and her eyes were cold. "Not to miss me when I'm gone."
I couldn't believe what she just said. She had to know that was impossible. I ignored the impossible demand, thinking about what had just transpired. Alice had the same feelings for me that I had for her. Now what do I do? "Why did you wait all this time to tell me how you felt?"
"I don't know. I thought that I could be happy just being friends. I didn't want you to like me and when I knew that you did, I thought that by staying just friends it might make it easier in the long run."
"But I felt what I felt regardless. I love you, Alice, and as much as I'd like to say I chose it, I think it chose me. I knew you were trying to protect me but I don't need protecting."
"Yes, you do. You're still in denial and now I've made it worse. I was selfish and now it's going to hurt even worse." Alice sighed and I cut her off before she could continue.
I had honestly never met anyone who could make selfish seem like such a beautiful word. "I'm going to miss you, Alice. I miss you right now because I know that when I walk out that door I won't get to see you smile, and I have to rely on my mind to think of you but no matter how much I try, it can't do any justice. I miss you every moment of everyday. When I'm sitting in class, I'm thinking. Are you thinking of me like I'm thinking of you? I can't seem to stop missing you." I smiled, running my hand through her short, spiky locks. "And right now, I miss the feeling of your lips. Can I kiss you again?"
Alice leaned forward capturing my lips with hers. It was soft and short, before she pulled back, running her tongue over her lower lip. "You don't have to ask."
As she kissed me again, all I could think was at least we have one thing we can take off that list.
Xxx
I crossed the parking lot and spotted Angela and Ben sitting inside Mike's van, trying to avoid the rain. I was weirdly aware of my face and the fact that I couldn't stop smiling. It was so bad my jaw was beginning to hurt. I tried to rub my jaw, making it less obvious as I approached my small gathering of friends.
"Bella." Mike rushed up to me before I reached the group.
"Hey, Mike," I said cheerfully. Nothing seemed to be able to ruin my mood, not the rain or Mike's obvious attempts to flirt.
"You're looking nice today. Uh… I wanted to ask if you have a date... for prom yet, 'cause it's soon and I was wondering if you wanted to go… with me," Mike stuttered, and it may have been cute to someone else but I felt nothing.
"Sorry, Mike, prom's not my thing. Dresses… dancing… not really me, sorry. But I'm sure Jessica would love to go with you." I motioned to Jessica as she gave us a friendly wave.
"Yeah. Sure, but if you change your mind…" Mike smiled, pulling back his bright blond hair, seeming embarrassed. "So, see you in class." He left, even though everyone was still sitting in his van.
The bell rang and I made my way to English, taking my seat beside Angela and Tyler.
"Hey, did you finish all the homework questions? I couldn't get the last one. I was going to call but it was late," Angela whispered to me, as the teacher started writing on the board.
I hit my forehead with my palm, a punishment for my stupidity. After everything that happened yesterday, I completely forgot about my homework. Mr. Mason is going to so mad, he may even yell at me. What if I get a detention? I've never had detention before. "I didn't do it, Ang, I forgot." I cringed at the thought, but it's just one homework, it's no big deal.
"Okay, everyone, take out your textbooks and I'll be around in a second to collect your homework," Mr. Mason spoke over the class.
I slowly took out my textbook. What excuse would be good…? Fuck, I blame the Internet for my total lack of imagination. I placed my book and paper and a pen on the table; maybe I could do a few of the questions before he reached our seats. I opened the textbook and sitting on the page with my homework questions was a sheet of lined paper with all the answers in Alice's swirly handwriting. I took a breath falling back on my chair 'thank you, Alice' I spoke only in my mind.
"I thought you said you forgot?" Angela asked, leaning her body over to my side of the desk, reading over my answers.
"I did. I left my bag at the hospital." Then I got… distracted. "And by the time I got home, I was so exhausted I completely forgot about it."
"Well, looks like someone's lucky, huh? I wish I had a secret homework fairy," Angela joked, as Mr Mason came by to pick up our work sheets.
Maybe I did have some luck after all. I laughed under my breath as we began working.
School passed in a blur and I was all too happy to get out, as I hopped in my truck like Fred Flintstone getting off work. I pulled up to the house and Charlie's cruiser was already there which was odd because he usually wouldn't be home for another hour. I entered the house looking for Charlie. "Dad!" I yelled into the empty living room.
"Hey, Bells, about time you got home." Charlie rushed in, holding two large envelopes. "These came this morning."
Charlie passed over the envelopes and one was from Dartmouth. I dropped the other and tore into the top of the envelope. Charlie seemed to be holding his breath as I dug into the paper. I pulled out the form and it almost ripped at the force. I read the first few lines: we are glad to inform you of your successful application. I didn't need to read the rest; I threw the letter in the air and hugged Charlie.
"I got in!" I couldn't believe it. I had to tell Alice.
"Congratulations Kiddo!" Charlie gave me an awkward squeeze. "You should call your mom."
"Yeah, I'll do that," I said automatically as I picked up the letter, quickly reading over the rest. I knew where I wanted to go but I picked up the other envelope anyway. It was to the University of Juno. Isn't that in Alaska? I read over the name quickly and sighed. It wasn't even mine it was the neighbour's.
"Dad, this isn't mine, it's for Alec next door."
"Is it? I didn't even notice," Charlie said, as he returned with a beer in hand.
"Well, I better take this over to him," I said. If someone else got mine I wouldn't want them to wait to bring it to me.
I walked across the street and I waved to Alec's brother, Tom, who was playing in the yard. I knocked on the door and Alec answered, slightly out of breath. "Hey, Bella."
"Hey, Alec, we got your mail again and I think this is an important one." I handed him the envelope.
Alec's eyes scanned the envelope and went wide as he read over the name, I suspect. I hope he gets in; it would be horrible to get a rejection. "I hope you get in," I added. As I was about to walk away Alec spoke.
"Are you applying to Juno? It's a pretty good school."
"No, I just got accepted to Dartmouth." I smiled. And, okay, I was maybe bragging a little. "I lived in Alaska for about four months with Charlie a few years back. It's beautiful, but not my kind of town. It's even colder than here, if that's possible."
Alec laughed as I shivered at the thought. "Okay, Bella, see you tomorrow." He closed the door as I turned, walking back across the street.
I never thought about Alaska much, but that town we were in was kind of like Forks. I thought about the town and the small diner and the snow… and then it hit me:
Kate.
Her golden eyes and her voice – the voice that was high and perfect as it repeated itself over and over in my head, "It's better for you if you don't know."
I had met Kate Denali twice in my life. The first time was when I was almost thirteen. Charlie had taken a job in Alaska and I stayed with him for the summer because my mom had gone to some hippy music festival. There were only a handful of kids that all hung out, despite the age differences. Kate was seventeen at the time and no one seemed to speak to her. Kids joked that her family were witches, and maybe they were, but I felt sorry for her. She just wanted a friend. We got to know each other and hung out, but only at my house, never at hers. Kate seemed normal. She was cold, but it was always cold there. She was never hungry and she had these really cool golden eyes. When I left Alaska we lost touch and it wasn't until last year that I met her the second time. It was in a bookstore in Seattle and by then I was seventeen. But the weird thing was… so was she. She tried to pass it off saying, 'you must have me confused with someone else.' But I knew it was her. She always wore this old gold, heart-shaped locket around her neck; I had never seen another like it. That was when I questioned her about the age thing. I mean, no anti-ageing cream works that fast.
She seemed to cave and dropped the charade after that, but she looked almost afraid that I had recognised her. So, there we stood, in between the classic and the science fiction section of Barnes and Noble, as I gaped at her like she was some sort of ghost. She told me not to say anything, to just forget it and I did but it was her words as she left that stuck with me: "It's better for you if you don't know." It was like she was protecting me. But from what?
I quietly entered the house and headed for the kitchen, all the while thoughts of Kate Denali and her fearful golden eyes plagued my mind. I made dinner and Charlie started eating before I had even sat down.
"Dad, do you remember when we stayed in Alaska and there was that family the Denali's? Do you think they still live there?" I asked, mindlessly playing with the food on my plate.
"Hmm," Charlie grumbled, removing some pasta sauce from his moustache. "Yeah, the Denali sisters; pretty girls. I don't know if they still live there."
I stared at my pasta as I spoke, trying not to be too obvious about fishing for information. "Did they ever seem…I don't know, odd to you?" I looked up into Charlie's brown eyes that mirrored mine almost exactly.
"Eh, I don't know it was a few years ago now, but I guess four young women living alone in a small town is a little odd. But you know small towns; people like to gossip when they have nothing better to do." Charlie shovelled in more food, his long chews giving me time to think.
I knew Kate was the youngest of her sisters. Well, youngest looking. "What kind of gossip?"
"I don't know, Bells, it was a long time ago," Charlie almost wined and I let the subject drop.
Maybe I could find Kate's number; there might be something behind this whole non-aging thing. I mean, the short time I knew her she was never ill and she always looked perfect. I wonder what the area code is for Alaska…
I finished washing the dishes in a hurry because I wanted to tell Alice about my letter. I still couldn't believe it; I didn't think I would actually get in. I still had to call my mom, too. I pulled the phone from the kitchen, reading Charlie's scrawl from the old address book. I punched in the numbers for her cell. It rang maybe twelve times and I could just imagine her fumbling in her purse looking for the tiny phone, then figuring out how to accept the call.
"Hello!" My mom's voice rang through the phone and I didn't realise how much I missed hearing her voice until now. "Hello? Damn phone."
"Mom, it's me, Bella."
"Hi, baby, how are you? Why haven't you called?" Renee scolded.
Not even thirty seconds, that's a new record. "Sorry, mom, I promise to try and call more, but I have some news." I stayed silent and then heard her gasp.
"You're not pregnant, are you?" Renee said, seriousness colouring her tone.
"What?" I laughed. "I say I have news and that's the first thing you think? Thanks, mom."
"I was just kidding… but I am glad."
"Anyway, the real news is, I got in. I got accepted to Dartmouth!" I almost squealed into the phone.
"Ah!" Renee shouted with me, as I saw Charlie give me a weird look. "I'm so proud! You have to get me a bumper sticker and all that crap so I can tell everyone my daughter is going to an Ivy League!"
"Sure, mom." That's not at all embarrassing. "So, anyway, how are you? How's Phil?"
"You know, he's still in training. I've started this new pottery class but everything I try to makes ends up as an ashtray."
I stayed on the phone for ten more minutes, listening to my mom's clumsy moments of the week. I remembered to pick up my acceptance letter before I left. Charlie didn't even ask where I was going; I think he just kind of guessed by now.
Alice's room door was closed and I knocked before I entered, not wanting a replay of last time. "Hey, Alice, you won't believe what I got today."
My smile dropped as I entered the room and saw two men staring at me in surprise; one was obviously a doctor, wearing pale green scrubs, the other wore an ugly brown suit with a white shirt. Alice lay unmoving on the bed and there were so many wires and tubes attached her body, my eyes couldn't follow them all. I rushed to her side, dropping my letter and reaching for her hand. I gave it a shake and her arm just shook and went limp again… Come on, wake up… wake up, Alice, please.
"I thought you said she had no family," the doctor whispered, like I wasn't even in the room.
"She doesn't. She's been in the care of the state her whole life, say's right here: Mary Brandon, only child."
"What happened?" I asked, praying for Alice to move or just do something. She had a tube attached to her mouth and a machine seemed to provide her with slow, steady breaths.
"I'm sorry, I can only discuss patient details with family members or, in Mary's case, a social worker." He stood, repeating his stupid words like they were supposed to mean something.
"Her name's Alice," I whispered through clenched teeth. I rubbed the top of her palm, trying to get something, a connection, anything.
"Sorry, what was that?" The social worker leaned in.
I unclenched my jaw, letting it relax before I looked at the man; the man who got to know more about my friend, about the person I loved, than I did, because I didn't have the right blood or piece of paper to prove it. "I said her name is Alice!" I yelled at the man, my rage boiling over, "and you don't know her; none of you do!" I wanted to yell and punch something at the same time.
"Sorry, miss, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"Leave? Why should I leave?!" I shouted, as the doctor tried to keep a calm tone. I rounded the bed in a blind rage. I didn't know what I was going to do but I just couldn't seem to stop myself. I felt a hand on my shoulder and one wrapped around my chest pulling me back.
"Guys, can't you just give the girls five minutes," Sam's voice echoed in my ear. She squeezed me tighter as they both looked between Alice and I, finally leaving quietly.
I relaxed into Sam's hold once they left. I focused my attention back on Alice, as Sam seemed to linger in the background.
"What happened?" I asked, trying to look into Alice's eyes but they were closed and unmoving. She didn't even look like she was sleeping.
"I know she didn't want you to know this stuff, Bella, but she was in a lot of pain."
Why didn't she tell me? I squeezed Alice's small hand but it was cold; so cold. Come on, just let me see those blue eyes one more time.
"It's time to say goodbye, Bella."
"No… no," I shook my head. "You're not allowed to die, okay? Do you hear me? It's not allowed."
"Bella," Sam whispered, as she placed her hands on my shoulders. "It's time."
I wanted Sam to lie to me; to tell me that it was fine; that everything would be okay. I wanted Alice to wake up and tell me, 'hey, I'm all better now.' Hot tears streaked down my face, falling onto our intertwined hands. There had to be another way. There had to be, and I was going to find it. "It's not fair."
"I know it's not, but Alice loved you and you'll never lose that." Sam tried to pry me away but I wouldn't budge. "You still have a few days until the paper work is done, but I think it might be better if you just say goodbye now. You don't want to remember her this way."
I'm not saying goodbye, not yet. "Okay," I said to Sam, as I motioned for her to give me a little privacy. She took a few steps back towards the door and I leaned in close to Alice's ear. I couldn't stop my legs from shaking or the desperation penetrating my voice but I managed to choke some words out. "I… love you, okay? Love in death or in life. This is where I get to be the selfish one, okay? Because I'm not ready to let you go yet, I need you." I leaned my forehead against her ear, trying to get the words through, hoping she could hear me. "You've always been the stronger one. It's one of the things I love about you and I just need you to be strong for a little bit longer." I brushed the stray strands of hair from her face and placed a small kiss on her head.
I released her hand and my body seemed to ache as I pulled away. I had to just keep telling myself this wasn't goodbye, just, 'see you later.'
I left without a word, ignoring everyone on my way out. My mind felt like white noise – that snowy kind of static just seemed to take over all my senses. I wasn't fit to be in charge of my body right now and I just seemed to be like a zombie, just moving and doing things on instinct. Left, right, left, right, my feet hit the concrete like a metronome. I don't even know how I got home, but I did. Charlie's truck was gone and I was glad to have the space. I sat in the darkened living room and pulled at the roots of my hair. I couldn't explain it, but in the silence I felt this voice inside my head. I'm not sure if it was my conscious talking or what. It didn't even say anything; it was more like a feeling. Like, I had to do something; something specific. The only thing I could think about was Kate and her odd family that didn't age. Their eyes like liquid gold haunted me in my dreams, but now I was awake and I could still see them when I closed my eyes.
I have to go to Alaska; I have to see Kate. But it's a day's drive and what about Charlie? He wouldn't understand. Screw it, I could never live with myself if I didn't at least try. I got up on shaky legs and scrawled a note for Charlie telling him not to worry, even though I knew that was pointless, and that he could ground me all he wants when I get back. I packed some essentials and felt like throwing up a few times, but managed to keep somewhat calm. It was nightfall before I exited and the dark seemed to greet me like an old friend.
Xxx
Secrets of the Night
Tell me...in the dark of the night, with you
Alone in thought...do you ever wonder, if
When your last breath is drawn, there will
Is more than life?
When you hear the sounds of the night,
The howling of the wolf, the cricket and
Thousands of unseen noises that break
The stillness...
Do you wonder if they can hear you?
Do you ever wonder if you could have done?
More for those you loved? And, if they cared
Enough...to do more for you.
Do you ever wonder if your cries of despair
And disappointment are heard some place
Beyond the stars?
Do you wonder about the choices you've made and
If they truly made a difference?
Have you ever heard that voice deep inside you, questioning
The reason for your existence...and why you should go on?
Do you ever wonder about the insensitivity and lack?
Of consideration of those who say they love you?
Have you ever wondered to yourself, why you have been
So fortunate...is to have love in your live?
In your life...have you ever wondered about the
Changes you could have made? And if you made
Those changes...would they...could they...
Have mattered that much?
If you had it to do it again...have you ever wondered,
What would you do differently?
Joe Fazio
Xxx
I reached the town with a population less than Forks and the streets seemed oddly familiar, but not in any direct sense. I remember their house being on the outskirts; I only ever got as close as the driveway. I prayed they still lived here. As I took a turn onto a dirt road, the truck shook hard, the tires not used to the uneven terrain.
This is what I have to do… this is what I have to do. I parked outside the large house which was more modern than I would have thought for the area. They had a huge wrap around porch and an empty swing swayed in the breeze. There was a car at the side of the house. It was cherry red and hard to miss against the large white house. I took that as a good sign that at least someone lived here. The steering wheel slipped in my sweaty palms as I kept an aggressive grip, trying to think about what I was going to say.
The massive oak door seemed to shadow me and I wondered if they would even hear a knock on this beast. I looked for a bell but there was none. I knocked rapidly three times, taking a step back as the door began to open before I even finished knocking.
"Hello," a tall, strawberry blonde answered, her eyes shimmering gold.
"I… I was wondering if Kate was here?" I scratched my jeans awkwardly as she seemed to look me up and down. Before she could even open her mouth to reply, Kate showed up at her side, as if from nowhere.
"Tanya, could you give us a moment please?" They exchanged glances that lingered for more than a moment, their eyes having a silent conversation.
Kate stepped onto the porch, closing the door gently behind her. She walked out into the yard, the gravel hardly crunching as she took long delicate strides. Spinning on her heel, I almost fell back with surprise.
"What are you doing here, Bella?" Kate spoke, more confused than angry.
"I know this is going to sound crazy." Kate chuckled, rolling her eyes but I continued. "But I need your help. I need you to help my friend. She's going to die and I think you can do something about that."
Kate's eyes filled with sorrow and she gave me a pitying look. "And what makes you think I can do anything?"
"Because of what you are. Use some sort of witchy power, I don't know." I spoke frantically, waving my hands.
Kate laughed at my desperation, which only made me angry. "Sorry, Bella, I'm not a witch."
"Then what are you?" I tilted my head. It was hard enough to believe they could be witches.
"I told you, it's better–"
"–For me if I don't know; I get it. But I'm sick of what's better for me. My friend's going to die; I need to do something."
Kate crossed her arms defensively over her chest. "Let her die." There was no emotion as she spoke.
She put it so simply, yet, I couldn't get my head around those simple three words. "No! I can't," I pleaded, trying not to get emotional; sobbing in her front yard wouldn't help. But I had driven all this way and to let Alice just die didn't seem like an option.
"Can't or won't?" Kate questioned, as I stood silent, my mouth gaping open. "I'm sorry for your friend, Bella, I truly am. You were a good friend to me at a time in my life when I needed one, but this life…" Kate motioned around her, "…Isn't something you want for your friend. It may save her from death, but trust me, there are fates worse than death." Kate touched her locket mindlessly as she spoke.
I could see I was losing this battle but the only words I truly heard were, 'save her from death.' I couldn't give up now; not now that I knew it was possible. I took a step forward, closing the gap between us. I knew I sounded desperate when I spoke but I was desperate. It was this; after this I had nothing. I just couldn't let go yet. "Kate, please." I didn't know if saying please would make a difference, but it couldn't hurt.
"I'm sorry, I can't." Kate stood, an emotionless mask covering her face. As she turned to leave I fell to my knees.
I landed with a thud, the gravel digging awkwardly into my knees. I didn't want to fall, to seem weak, but I had come all this way. I hadn't slept and now I had lost the person I love. "I'm sorry, Alice, I couldn't do it" I whispered into the cold, Alaskan air. Kate's retreating form was like a searing knife in my back. How could she not understand? "Please, Kate, I love her. Haven't you ever loved anyone before? If you could save that person you love from death, wouldn't you?" I spoke softly not even sure she could hear me, but she seemed to stop and I picked my head up just as she turned to look at me, all the while spinning that locket with her fingertips.
Her back was stiff. She stood stalk still and her pale white skin looked a little darker. Her eyes seemed softer and she sighed, like she was about to speak. "I can't… but I may know someone who can."
A/N well I hope you liked that and I should post a new chapter soon. If you have time please tell me what you thought in a review they are my inspiration to keep writing.