beta'd by the lovely hopingtofindmypersonsomeday over on tumblr, and thank you taryn for correcting my roman numeral mishap. i hope y'all enjoy it!

disclaimer: i do not and will never own these characters.

i.

April Kepner was sure that something bad was going to happen on her first day at Mercy West Hospital.

As she walked through the doors, April remembered the first time she'd picked up an anatomy book. Her mom had always hoped for a doctor in the family, first giving Libby 'The Pop-Up Guide to Anatomy' and then tried again with April when he older sister had shown no interest. April had opened up the book at five years old, and had immediately known what she wanted to do for the rest of her life.

April had worked hard for it; getting the best grades in high school, in medical school. She had to be perfect at everything, and she was. Even if it meant her social skills had lacked, if she'd only ever had a few friends all through high and medical school, if people constantly told her she was annoying or that she talked too much. She was a perfect medical student, a perfect daughter, and she was planning on being a perfect surgeon.

She realised, upon scouring the crowd who looked as nervous as she felt, that she didn't have any idea how to make friends; apart from about five friends in high school, a few from medical school and a grand total of one boyfriend, she'd only ever really been tolerated by people. No one had known how to deal with her being a know-it-all, her unwillingness to bend the rules, her constant need to be perfect at everything. Small town folk were bad enough, she thought, people from the cities had no time for people like her. There was no way she was going to fit in in Seattle.

Overthinking, lost, and a little terrified, she forgot to look where she was going. Suddenly, she was face to face with a man (well – a boy really – another intern). A man who, judging by his handsome appearance, would have no interest in being friends with a plain girl like her.

"Oh, sorry. You must be new too. I'm Jackson,"

He smiled at her; his brilliant green eyes warmed up as he did so, like they were the sun coming out from behind a grey cloud. April felt strangely comforted by his smile, and for a fraction of a second her fears disappeared, and she allowed herself to believe that maybe everything would be okay. They could be friends. She'd have a friend and she wouldn't screw her entire life up.

"Hi, I'm April"

ii.

Their best friends were dead.

In the immediate days following the shooting, Jackson had stayed in bed for at least thirty hours straight. Just staring at the wall, not sleeping, not eating, not thinking. He figured that if he focused enough on the ordinary beige walls, his life would all go back to normal and he could pretend to be ordinary, just like the walls.

Being an Avery meant that he'd never been ordinary, it was always expected of him to be extraordinary. He could try to be better than ordinary, but he thought that his hospital being shot up and his best friend dying was pushing it a little too far. So he'd started at the wall.

April however, kept moving. Busied herself with baking, or puzzles or reading medical journals. If she allowed herself even one second of peace, then she'd have to think about how the best friend she'd ever had was dead. She'd have to think about how every time she took a step she was terrified that Gary Clark was going to appear out of nowhere and shoot her. She could only talk herself out of a situation like that once, and if it ever happened again she was surely going to die. She could only get lucky once.

They both knew they'd have to stop and think eventually, because there were funerals to attend.

The first was Reed's. April sat with Mr. and Mrs. Adamson, and she promised herself that she'd keep it together for them. They didn't need her sobbing, out of control. She could get through this. She always got through it.

Keeping it together had never really been her strong point though, and after all of those days doing her best just not to think, it had all built up. She felt herself begin to shake, Mrs. Adamson start to rub her knee. The service had barely started and everything was blurred by tears, muffled by sobs.

Next thing she knew, Jackson was sitting down in the pew next to her. He didn't say anything, and she supposed he didn't really have to. Their best friends were dead, and she was in hysterics at a funeral, everyone was staring, and he looked like he was about to vomit. There was nothing to say.

Jackson could hear April try and control her breathing as the service continued, as the pastor or whatever was talking about Reed like he knew her. Hell, even Jackson didn't know Reed as well as Charles or April had. He and April had always been a tag along to Charles and Reed's dates, because they'd both been to fucking pussy to ask one another out. And now it was too late.

He felt the calm spell start to break as he thought about it being too late; he felt his arms start to shake and his heart started to thud. Why the fuck had Charles waited so goddamn long to ask Reed out? Now they were dead and –

As if she knew could feel his control slipping as well as he could, Jackson felt April's fingers fumble into his own and squeeze. He had to stay calm. April needed him to stay calm or she would lose her shit again.

Charles and Reed may have been dead, but at least he still had April.

iii.

Why had she thought Alex Karev was a good idea?

April had been sick of feeling so innocent, so inexperience compared to her friends that when Karev had kissed her she'd been more than willing to push it as far as she could get. Plus, a man she liked was finally showing interest back, and she sure as heck was going to lose her virginity to him before Alex decided that she was insufferable again. She was more than willing to sleep with him, but all she had wanted in return was to take things slow.

"I can't hold your hand! I can't take care of everyone!"

Those words had repeated over and over in her head. Alex couldn't have taken care of her, hadn't even wanted to take care of her. April had blamed herself, she wasn't good enough, why had she waited so long? If she'd found some guy in high school and done it, fucking Alex Karev would have been no big deal. If only she'd been more willing to do things the way he wanted, if only she'd picked a guy who wouldn't make her just another notch on his belt, then her insides wouldn't been feeling as though they'd been hollowed out completely and her brain would stop with the relentless thudding.

April thought about how fucked up she'd made everything until she arrived at Cristina's. She didn't even realise she was been crying until she was babbling at Owen, not knowing what do say or how to explain herself. And then Jackson had put his arm around her and pulled her into the kitchen before she could make more of a fuck up of herself.

"April, it's okay, you're going to be okay. What happened?"

April honestly wasn't going to tell him, knowing Jackson would be mad. Lately, he'd been looking out for her a lot more than usual, checking up on her to make sure she was feeling okay. They'd stay up late, not admitting that they could sleep and just talk about everything, or nothing. So, Jackson wouldn't just be mad at Alex, he would be probably seething. She didn't want Alex to hate her even more than he surely already did, she didn't want to be yelled at again.

But then Jackson had looked right at her, right into her eyes and all she could see was affection. Ever since the shooting Jackson was the only person who could manage to make her feel better and this was no exception.

"You can tell me, April. What happened?"

"Alex," she sobbed, "I…We were going to do… it. But he yelled at me, and it's all my fault, I'm so stupid! I can't expect him to look after me, I'm not his problem! I'm so stupid!"

"You're not stupid, he's the stupid one. I'm going to talk to Karev, I swear to God I'll talk to him and make him feel one hundred times worse than you do now," Jackson said, rubbing her shoulders.

As if he could feel eyes on him, turned around to see Alex standing behind them. There was absolutely no way in hell he was going to let anyone, especially not a jackass like Karev, treat April that way. Without thinking, his fist was in Alex's mouth.

He could vaguely hear everyone gasp around him gasp, and another sob escaped April back in the kitchen, but Jackson sure did feel a lot better.

iv.

Jackson couldn't remember the last time he'd gotten a full night's sleep.

Maybe it was when he slept beside Lexie, but then maybe he'd spent hours awake knowing that she wished she was with Mark Sloan. With Lexie, he'd still woken up from time to time in a cold sweat, wondering where Charles was. Lexie had never noticed, and now she was gone.

He had gotten better though. In the beginning, he'd yell and scream and he'd be right back in the middle of it all. Blood everywhere, Charles' blood, all over him, all over his best friend's dead body. Charles would die, and they'd be out of danger. He'd go home, shaking and sobbing, and shower. The blood would never wash off. Jackson would wash himself raw, but the blood wouldn't come off his hands.

That's usually when he would wake up.

He hadn't had a nightmare like that in a very long time. He though he'd been getting better, sleeping longer. But sometimes he would have the dream, and he'd wake up screaming for Charles and the blood that would never come off his body.

"Hey, Jackson! It's April. You're okay. It's okay. Jackson!"

Groggy, shaking, Jackson woke up April standing over him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, breathless, reality catching up to him.

"You were screaming. Again," she said, sitting down on the bed, "I can sit with you for a while, if you like?"

He nodded. April had never come in to check on him before, but Jackson hadn't really been surprised that she did. Ever since the shooting, she had been the only one who knew exactly what he felt like.

He listened to the even rhythm of her breath, losing track of time. He didn't know if it had only been a few minutes or an hour when she started to talk.

"You had Lexie," she started, "After… you know, you had Lexie and you didn't need me but Lexie is gone now. I can't sleep either. I hear you screaming at least once a week and I lie away listening to you. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do! I can't sleep and you can't sleep and boards are coming up and –"

Tears had started to slip down April's cheeks, and the previously evenness of her breath was now jagged.

"April, it's okay. I'm fine, it's just a nightmare. Everything is going to be okay. Come here."

Jackson stretched out his arm on the spot next to him, inviting. Hesitantly, April lay down next to him, nestling her head into the crook of his neck. He could feel a constant flow of tears dripping onto his arm, her breathing not quite sobs but not quite even either. Acting on instinct, he rolled over so their noses were touching and began to stroke her hair. It was soft, he noted, softer than Lexie's. Eventually, her breathing evened out. April was finally asleep, and Jackson felt a strange sense of pride that he'd been able to make sleep easier for her.

"It's all going to be okay. I promise," he murmured. It was a promise he planned to keep.

v.

April was sure as fuck she couldn't go through that pain again.

While they were at their dinner with the Chief, he'd gotten a phone call. Jackson, Alex and her had all picked up on the fact that something was wrong as soon as he'd answered the phone. The panic was immediate on his face.

There'd been a plane crash. There was no point in going to the hospital. No idea where anyone was, when they'd crashed, if they were still alive. Nothing they could do to help, they'd have to wait. Losing her job, her virginity, her self-respect all seemed a little insignificant. Now she was losing friends. Again.

Alex had gone to the hospital, despite the Chief saying not to, repeating 'she took my seat' over and over like a mantra. Except it wasn't going to make him feel better, but April wasn't going to try and tell him that.

She'd followed the Chief's instructions, and let Jackson take her home. Neither of them talked, both of them too deep in shock to think of anything to say.

When they'd finally gotten home, gotten into bed because she couldn't even face standing upright at that moment, she'd wondered where God was. She'd broken her promise, and she was sure that God had taken away her boards, and her job, leaving her with next to nothing just to punish her for not only breaking her promise, but for liking it. But surely God wouldn't punish Zola by leaving her orphaned again, He wouldn't punish Sofia but taking away her father and her mother, He wouldn't punish her friends by killing them. They hadn't broken any promises; they hadn't done anything wrong, so why had He put them on a plane that had been destined to crash?

Deep in thought, she didn't realise Jackson had come into her room until she felt the mattress sink down next to her. He said nothing, didn't try to touch her, didn't try to reassure her. He just laid down next to her, and he was alive. It didn't matter that she'd lost everything, could lose almost everyone, Jackson was next to her and he was breathing.

So long as he was breathing, she could get through anything.