Title: Aeternum Vale

Rating: K+

Pairing: None

Disclaimer: I do not know or own any of the characters from Casualty, any original characters and the story are mine and I do not give permission for them to be used.

Summary: Takes place after the events in Casualty of Series 25, episodes 34 (Momentum) and 35 (Deception), and contains spoilers for those episodes. Dixie is left alone after Jeff decides to work a double shift, this is an alternate take on the events that happen at the end of episode 35. Aeternum Vale means Farewell Forever in Latin, just in case you were wondering.

I helped our last patient out of the ambulance and into the wheelchair, Jeff started to push him towards the ED and I tried my hardest not to look at the display of flowers and candles that had been placed there in Polly's memory. I have just about kept it together today, it has been hard, but, I've got through it. Having Jeff by my side has helped me, we haven't said much, but, knowing that he is there is a comfort to me. I want to talk to him, to spend the evening with him and remember Polly's life and everything that she achieved. 'Jeff, it is nearly time for us to go home, do you want to go for a drink?'

'I've volunteered for a double shift.'

'Oh.'

'Yeah, thought I might as well, you know.'

'Okay, I'll erm, I'll see you later yeah.' Jeff didn't answer me, he just wheeled our patient into the ED and left me stood there in front of Polly's shrine, alone. I turned my head slowly to the right and my eyes settled on the photo of Polly that is there amongst all of the flowers and candles. It is the first time that I've looked at all of the tributes to Polly. She was so loved by everyone in the department, always had a smile on her face, she brought out the best in people and touched so many lives with her kindness. The flowers and notes of condolence have been growing throughout the day, so many people loved Polly, she meant so much to so many people. Why her? Why did she have to suffer so much? All of the tears that I've been holding in pour down my face and I cry out all of the rage, frustration and sadness that I've been feeling and keeping inside me. I know that people can see and hear me crying, but, I don't care. Being knocked back by Jeff was the last straw, I can't do this without him. I know that he is struggling too and that is why he is working the double shift, working to take away the pain is how he copes. I make my way inside the ED and head for the only quiet place in the hospital that I know, the only place that I can be alone.

I haven't been to church in years except for weddings and funerals, but, I know that in the chapel I will find the peace and quiet that I need to say what needs to be said. 'Polly, I'm sorry sweetheart, I should have done more to protect you. I should have insisted that you go to the pub and not confront that woman. Why you Pol? What did you do to deserve to die in that way? I'm sorry that we didn't get to you sooner, I'm sorry that we couldn't save you. I tried my best and it wasn't good enough. I'm so sorry Polly, please forgive me, please don't hate me.' I rest my head against the seats in front of me, the tears are still flowing from my eyes, now that they have started I can't stop them. I sit up and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. 'Oh Polly, what am I going to do? Jeff is pulling away from me, he won't talk to me. I know that he is struggling to come to terms with what happened to you. I've tried to get him to talk to me, I see the guilt and the anger in his eyes. He feels as guilty as I do. I don't know how to help him, every time I try to talk to him he shuts me out.' I took a deep breath and brushed away more of the tears that have started to pool in my eyes. 'I can't do this without Jeff. Polly, how am I going to get him to talk to me? How am I going to get him to open up to me?' I look around the room in the hope that I can find some answers, but, there aren't any here.

The quietness surrounds me and I just sit and let the tears run down my face, I haven't got the energy to fight them or the sadness that is eating its way through my body. 'I haven't slept properly in days, not since it happened. There are nights I just lie there and cry until I am too exhausted to keep my eyes open and I fall asleep. It doesn't last, I wake up from dreams where I keep seeing your face as we rush you towards resus for treatment. I can't forget your face, the blueness in your lips and the way that your eyes kept closing. I prayed that we had found you in time, that we would be granted a miracle and you would survive. Nobody listened to my prayer, the miracle didn't happen and now, you're gone.' I feel the lump in my throat as I start to cry harder. 'Polly, I lost you and now I'm losing Jeff too. I feel him slipping away from me more and more as the days go by. We're both quiet and we're just going through the motions. I don't know what to say to him and he doesn't know what to say to me, we're uncomfortable around each other now. We work and live together, but, we haven't talked about what happened. Our conversation is limited to who will take the dog for a walk and what we are having to eat. I don't eat much these days, I feel as if I have lost my appetite.' I sighed and wiped my tears away, I was going to have to go home and try to sort myself out, I couldn't stay here forever.

The house was quiet, Jeff was still at work, I went through the motions of taking my uniform off and taking Little Abs for a walk. I am struggling to hold it together, every so often tears run down my face and I brush them away with my hand. I head back to the house and I search through the freezer for something to eat. I pull the lasagne out and put it into the oven to cook. The TV is on just so that I don't have to listen to the silence, I'm not even watching it as I walk round the lounge and look at the pictures that are on the walls or above the fire. I look at the picture of us at the bowling and I gently trace the outline of Polly's face and then Jeff's. 'Oh Polly, I wish you were still with us sweetheart, you were brilliant. I hope you know that I care for you Pol. I know you wanted to be a counsellor and help people that way, but, you would have made an excellent paramedic. You would have made a excellent counsellor too had you been given the chance. Why you sweetheart? What did you do to deserve what she did to you? You only tried to help her, you only did what came naturally to you. I am sorry that you were alone for so long down there, I would have been by your side if I had known what had happened. I wish I could have saved you sweetheart.' I put the photo down and went into the kitchen when the timer on the oven went off, I took the lasagne out and put some of it in the microwave for Jeff when he came home. I don't know when he will be back, he didn't tell me what time his shift ended. I blink back more tears as the thought that I might lose Jeff popped into my head. I tried to occupy myself with sorting out my food, anything to get rid of the thoughts of losing Jeff.

I pushed the lasagne around my plate, every so often I would put some in my mouth, but, I wasn't enjoying it. I was eating because I had to, food was almost tasteless these days. I pushed the food around my plate and then I scraped the rest of it into the bin. I went upstairs and got changed into my pyjamas. I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes were red from crying and I looked tired from my lack of sleep. I went back downstairs and I lay down on the sofa, Little Abs sat on the floor next to the sofa and I stroked his head. He knew that something was wrong and he tried his best to comfort me. I rested my head back on one of the cushions and I stared into space, I thought I had ran out of tears, but, more began to make their journey down my face. I just stared into space and swallowed back the sobs that threatened to escape. The emotional turmoil I had been through since Polly's death was beginning to catch up with me. I faced losing Jeff and it scared me, I need him, I can't make it through these sad days without my best friend. 'Please don't let me lose my Jeffrey too,' I whispered quietly, hoping that this time someone heard me and granted me my request.

I didn't remember falling asleep, but, Jeff coming in our front door woke me up. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, it was almost midnight. I watched Jeff come into the lounge and he silently took his jacket off and put it on the chair. 'There's some lasagne in the microwave if you want it.'

'No, I think I just want to go to bed.'

'Do you think we should talk Jeff?'

'No, I don't want to talk.' I lowered my head and tried to blink back the tears that threatened to fall.

'Maybe I do,' I said loud enough for Jeff to hear me.

'Is it going to help Dixie? It won't bring her back.'

'I know it won't.'

'Then what good is talking?'

'I don't know. We lost Polly, all we have left is each other. I miss her Jeff, I feel guilty every day, that we didn't get there sooner, that we couldn't save her.' I saw Jeff just stood there and listening to me. 'It should have been me, Polly had her life ahead of her and it was taken from her. I've had the majority of my life, if it had been me in her place then she could still have her life, she could have had children and become a counsellor. Polly won't get to do any of those things now, she's dead Jeff, she's not coming back and I don't know how to deal with that.' The tears were pouring down my cheeks. 'I miss her so much Jeff.' I just looked at Jeff through my tears, he was stood there in front of me without saying anything. 'Say something.'

'What do you want me to say Dixie?'

'How are you feeling? Talk to me.'

'I don't need to talk, talking won't bring Polly back.'

'I think you do need to talk Jeff, you're bottling everything up inside you and that's not good.' Jeff turned around and went to leave. 'Please Jeff, don't shut me out.' I was ready to beg, I needed Jeff to stay with me and talk to me, I was afraid that I would lose him for good.

Jeff stopped in the doorway and I just took the opportunity to talk to him. 'Jeff, I know you feel guilty and sad, I see it in your eyes. I am worried about you, you haven't talked about Polly and you're working double shifts to avoid your feelings. I feel it too, she was my friend, I know how you feel. Please Jeff, I've already lost Polly and I can't lose you too.' I sank down onto the floor and the tears spilled from my eyes. I was vaguely aware of Jeff walking over to me and kneeling down in front of me. 'I'm sorry Dixie, everything is so messed up.' Jeff wrapped his arms around me and I cried into his shoulder. I felt Jeff's tears drip down his face as he buried his head into my shoulder, we clung to each other united in our grief for our fallen colleague. 'Polly wouldn't want it to be you in her place Dix. I wish everything was different, that Polly was still with us.'

'I do too.' Jeff stroked my hair and he rocked me gently as he held me in his arms.

'Please don't say that you should be dead Dixie, I don't want to lose you either.' I nodded into Jeff's shoulder and I held him closer.

The time passed slowly as Jeff held me close, our tears eventually stopped and I snuggled up to Jeff. 'We will always remember Polly, Dix, we won't let her memory die.'

'How will we get through this Jeff?'

'Honestly, I don't know princess.'

'I don't either, right now I just need you to hold me.'

'I need you to hold me too.' Jeff hadn't talked much about his feelings, but admitting that he needed to be held was a start.

'We will get through this Jeff, it'll never be right that she's gone, but, we have each other.'

'Of course we do princess.'

'We'll take it one day at a time, if you need to talk then I'm here Jeff.'

'I'm here if you need me princess.'

'I know.' I hugged Jeff closer to me and stroked his head and back, we had a long journey ahead of us in coming to terms with Polly's death. I sighed quietly, I knew that plenty of tears would be shed whenever we remembered Polly and the light she brought to our world. 'Rest in peace, Polly,' I whispered quietly and closed my eyes, taking comfort from the warmth that Jeff's arms brought me.