Well, this little short actually started as a YouTube video. But, after a serious of very frustrating events, I changed it to a songfic instead, to save my sanity. Computers are the most frustrating pieces of technology ever invented. Anyway, I was surprised no one did this on YouTube. Or maybe I just missed it.
I don't own the rights to the Lion King, or the song "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" by ACDC.
Enjoy!
Hit men For Hire
"So, what brings you here?" Shenzi asked, casually inspecting a paw. "Come on, speak up. I ain't got all day!"
"I-uh-I gotta a problem wuh-wuh-with muh-muh-my-"the poor baboon stuttered, trembling as Shenzi began to circle.
"If ya gotta problem with your high school head, he's givin' you the blues," sang Shenzi, Banzai joining in, circling the quivering baboon.
"You wanna graduate, but not in his bed. Here's what ya gotta do."
"Pick up some meat, coz we gotta eat."
"Bring us any kind."
"Side of beef, hornbill wing, we're not at all that picky, hey!"
"We'll take all that ya got!"
"Dirty deeds, done for meat. Dirty deeds done for meat. Dirty deeds done for meat," they chanted together, grinning hungrily.
"Dirty deeds and they're done for meat," growled Banzai.
"Dirty deeds and they're done for meat," growled Shenzi. "So whatcha got on ya? We demand meat up front!"
"Unless ya wanna work out some other arrangements," said Banzai, licking his lips.
"Actually, I-I-I think I cah-cah-can get you guh-guh-guys something. But muh-muh-my problem is-"
"Wait, wait, wait. Lemme guess. You got problems in your life of love. You've gotta a broken heart. He's double dealing with your best friend." She shot Banzai a dark look. "That's when the teardrops start fallin', honey."
"It was one time. You ain't gonna forget it anytime soon are ya?"
"You know the drill, just pay our bill. Stop by anytime. Come right in, forget about him. We'll have ourselves a ball."
"Okay, I see how it is. Two can play this game," snarled Banzai. "You got a lady and you want her gone."
"But you ain't got the guts," smirked Shenzi.
"Oh shut up! She keeps naggin' at ya night and day, enough to drive ya nuts. Step on up, I'll shut her up. It's time ya made a stand. For a fee, I'm happy to be your back door man!"
"And what is that supposed to mean? Are you sayin' I'm a nag?"
"Yeah. I am. Ed'll back me up. Right Ed?" Ed nodded.
"Ohh, you're gonna regret that. I am not a nag."
"Banzai, stop fighting. Ed, quit droolin' everywhere. Ed, don't eat that. Banzai, why did you let him eat that? Go get me dinner. I wanted zebra, yada yada yada," said Banzai, raising his voice to imitate Shenzi.
"Well if you two weren't so stupid, I wouldn't hafta constantly watch ya like a couple of cubs."
"I d-d-didn't mean to cuh-cuh-cause any trouble."
"Do you think I'm a nag?" asked Shenzi, whirling on the little baboon. He squeaked in fright.
"If I s-s-say no, you wuh-wuh-won't eat me?"
"See, even lunch agrees with me. You are a nag. Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag." He and Ed danced around Shenzi, Banzai chanting while Ed hooted in agreement. Shenzi narrowed her eyes, and all three hyenas forgot about their client.
"Fine, you can get your own dinner. And here I was planning a special dinner for you ungrateful idiots."
"And just what kind of special dinner you have in mind?"
"I'm not tellin' you. Guess ya shoulda thought about that before ya go around insultin' the paw that feeds ya."
"Uh, if now's a buh-buh-bad time…"
"Now you listen to me," snapped Shenzi. Furious with everybody in the skull, she exploded, her fury unleashed upon the poor baboon. "You come in here demandin' we fix your little monkey problem and you don't even got our payment. Just what exactly do you want us to do?" Looming over the baboon, she glowered down at him.
"I've been tryin' to tuh-tuh-tell you. I nuh-nuh-need a favor. There's this guh-guh-group of older bah-bah-baboons that puh-puh-pick on me and I just wuh-wuh-wanted you guys tuh-tuh-scare them."
"That's it?" asked Shenzi. She exchanged looks with Banzai.
"You mean we don't get to kill anyone?" he asked disappointedly.
"No…"
"Can we mangle'em?"
"No, just scare them please."
"Just one little bite?"
"I-I-I don't want anyone to get hurt."
"Who do you think we are? We don't have time for your little monkey games," sniffed Shenzi. She knocked the baboon backwards with her paw and stalked out.
"We happen to be top-notch hit men. We don't do the little stuff," added Banzai. He followed Shenzi out, trotting a little to catch up to her. Ed and the baboon were left behind in the cave together, the baboon slowly sitting up, rubbing the spot where Shenzi smacked.
"Do you really think I'm a nag?" she asked Banzai as the two disappeared together.
"Not all the time. Sometimes you're a regular bitch." He laughed.
"Yeah, and you're an idiot."
"But ya gotta admit, I'm a cute idiot. Plus, I'm all yours baby." This time Shenzi joined him, their laughs echoing back into the cave.
Ed looked at the baboon. The baboon looked at Ed. Ed nodded. The baboon smiled and bounded out of the skull. Ed loped after him, practicing his most evil sounding laugh. The way Ed saw it, food's food. And what kind of hyena would he be if he passed up a free meal? Dirty deeds and he'd do it anything for meat.