FIGHTING BACK

Chapter 1

Horatio had slept fitfully, his brain playing and replaying the previous day. Hearing Hernandez calmly announce his replacement as boss of the crime lab. Hearing himself, 'I can't do this anymore.' Even so, he was unprepared for the total exhaustion that hit him when he awoke. He staggered to his feet and into the bathroom. His eyes were puffy, but, worse, was the engulfing weariness. He assumed it must be reaction, shock, and just plain old tiredness brought on by endless amounts of evening and weekend work.

He went back to bed. He wondered how much of the events of the previous day had filtered back to the lab. Maybe none… He reached for his phone and flipped it open. No messages… which more or less confirmed that no one had heard.

Even so, for the first time in his life, he couldn't face the lab. He phoned Eric. He could hear that his colleague was outside somewhere. But it was early - Eric would be out running. His normal greeting reinforced Horatio's belief that no one knew that anything unusual was going on.

"Eric? Look, I'm not coming in today…"

"Oh, okay… Are you not well?"

"Not really." Well, it was a small lie. "Headache, bad stomach… Flu or something…"

"You take it easy, brother. I'll come round later - see if you need anything."

"No need. I'll sleep it off."

He switched the phone off, and closed his eyes. So why feel guilty? You don't even work there anymore…

He wasn't worried about how the lab was running anyway - deep into the reorganization project, he hadn't been supervising directly for some weeks. He wondered if he wanted to. Go back… Go back to what he had been doing, before all this… Except he couldn't… A black mark on his health records was going to stop that. And now his rank was too senior… No going back, Horatio… Anyway, hadn't he just slammed his badge down, and walked?

He dozed for a while, waking late in the morning, feeling confused and headachy. He actually wasn't feeling that well, but he had never before called in sick for such a trivial reason. He got up, showered, and sat on the balcony in a bathrobe, nursing a coffee. The state of limbo was the hardest thing to bear. He had no idea whether he was still employed, had been fired, was under notice… Whether Hernandez had told everyone… or no one. He knew he had to go in… sometime… and sort it out. But today? He was just too shattered.

He began to wonder what he'd make of retirement, if that was how it was to be. Not much, he thought. Work had been his life for so long, and so intensely, that he had little outside it to fall back on. No hobbies. He couldn't see himself playing golf, like most Miami retirees. Few family in the area… honestly, few family at all. His son… but he could hardly live in his pocket, and there were no shared interests anyway. Friends… well, they were mostly work colleagues… There was Eric, of course. His brother-in-law. And Alexx… always there for him, but with her own family and life to lead.

He hated self-pity, but it was creeping up on him, and he felt distinctly sorry for himself. And he was only fifty-seven, for God's sake! He could live another thirty years. He smiled wryly. Very unlikely… He had never expected to make it this far. Somehow surviving the streets of New York, the bomb squad… and then Miami… He knew he was labelled 'lucky' - in the thick of it, yet walking out unscathed. Well, mostly… Still, it looked as if it might be his heart that would take him out, not a bullet. He sighed. Bring it on… Except the idea offended his sense of the dramatic. He thought he'd rather go down in a hail of gunfire, than clutching his chest in some bathroom somewhere.

He was still brooding when Eric arrived. His colleague plunked himself down beside him on the balcony.

"How you doing, bro?"

He shrugged. "So-so…"

"You don't look so great…"

"Oh, it's just a bug…" Feeling guilty… again. "How's work?"

"Fine. Pretty quiet, for once."

"And Calleigh, and the kids?"

"Okay. No, better than okay. Good. Big change though."

"I should think it is - ready-made family like that." He looked at Eric. "Were you surprised?"

Eric chuckled. "Yeah, I was. Stunned, actually… I mean… we'd talked about children once… then we sort of drifted apart a bit. Then I got the feeling she wanted children more than she wanted a relationship… you know?"

"I didn't know. There was a time I would have done, maybe…"

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, not Calleigh particularly. I just mean - I used to know a lot about all of you - we were close, like a family, I always thought. I seem to have lost that, somewhere along the way."

"Things change, H. The team got bigger. We got busier. So much happened…" He sighed. "Life happened."

Horatio smiled sadly. "Yes, it did. And death…"

"Hey… What are you thinking?" Eric regarded him sympathetically. "Mari?"

"Mari. Speed. Others… Too many, Eric."

"Yeah, far too many."

They sat in silence for a while, then Horatio seemed to pull himself out of the melancholy. "Sorry - bad host - do you want a drink?"

"I'll have a coffee." He put his hand on his colleague's arm. "Stay there. I'll get it."

"Okay. Get me a club soda from the fridge?"

As they sat beside each other again, Eric said, "Have you finished your assignment stuff?"

"More or less."

"You coming back to us?"

Tell him, Horatio… Aloud, he said, "Don't know, Eric. Don't know what's happening yet."

"We've missed you, you know."

Horatio took a sip of water, and murmured, "Shut up, Eric - you'll make me cry." It wasn't that far from the truth. He assumed he must really be under the weather. Tears too near the surface, self-pity, missing work for no reason… And really tired… He recognized it was out-of-character. Thought he ought to see a doctor. Or a shrink… He wondered if he still had access to Richard Evans, the PD medic. Rather depended if he still had a job. What an unholy mess…

He really needed to sort things out. As Eric got up to leave, Horatio said, "I won't be in tomorrow. I'm going to get a doctor's appointment." At his brother-in-law's worried expression, he added, "I'm just not right, Eric… Really tired… I need to sort it. I'll see you Monday, hopefully."

Once Eric had gone, he made a mental to-do list. First - obviously - see what his status was. Which meant going to Headquarters. He dreaded seeing Hernandez again, more because, with the initial shock fading, he knew his temper would explode. If he hadn't lost his job already, he soon would. Whatever he thought of the man, Hernandez was several ranks senior to himself… He toyed with going over his head, but rejected it. The higher echelons would close ranks… he, as a lowly captain, wouldn't have a chance. So, maybe the union… maybe he did have a case… He'd never needed their help - had always fought his own battles… He'd think about that one.

Assuming he was allowed in the building at all, he planned to see Richard Evans. He had had four or five angina attacks in as many weeks. Too many, and they were increasingly unpleasant. He knew it was only a matter of time before he was caught out, in public. True, the GTN seemed to work, to a point, but he felt he now needed more information.

He phoned, and got an appointment with the doctor for the following afternoon. And, buoyed up by having at least an approximation of an action plan, he began to feel better.