Disclaimer : I don't own TMNT. Only my Donnie-plushie (hey, better than nothing)

Note : It's my first attempt as a TMNT fanfic, as well as an english fanfic. Thank you soooooo much to hersilhouette who beta-read this for me and checked out the grammar faults (so much... thank you hug)... Maybe it's a little bit out of character, I don't know. It's the way I see them. And I needed it, by the way. So... Hope you'll enjoy to read it. Let me know what you think )

My own confusion

Alone. He was alone.

Donatello held back a sigh for the nth time. 'Close your eyes, inhale deeply, that was the right thing to do.'

After doing the exercise a few times, he opened up his eyes partially, looking for the horizon in front of him. The sky had begun to turn red; the afternoon was nearing its end. And he couldn't remember having any respite in himself since this morning.

Leo had come back from Central America three weeks ago, to his big relief. He had first felt an immense joy to see his older brother again. Everything will be fine again, now he was there. Oh, Donnie didn't have any illusions; he knew that nothing would be that simple. After more than a year of living separate, their family needed to learn to live together again.

But he hadn't been prepared for his own reaction.

He didn't wait for it because it came very late. Winters' story and Leo's come back had pushed everything else out. Nobody had had the time to worry about anything else.

But now it was over...And now he faced a new enemy that he didn't think he'd ever meet someday. Himself.

He woke up a few days ago some hours before daybreak, and everything he had felt during Leo's absence was came back to hit him in full force.

A week - maybe more, maybe less, he wasn't sure - that he was thinking about it over and over again, like an illness growing up inside him slowly. He wasn't used to that and felt totally disarmed, unable to manage it. Him, Donatello, the genius, the one who was used to calm down his siblings, whatever Mike's exuberance or Raph's anger. Him, who was the peaceful one of the family, felt awkward and frightened in front of his own problem. He had doubts about its origins. Meanwhile, he wasn't sure he wanted to think about it.

Annoyed, he jerked his head and tried to relax his taut shoulders. He was surprised to find his back muscles so tense, like his whole body was ready for a fight, to face an invisible threat. But how could he fight a threat that came from the inside?

"What are you doin'?"

Instantly, Donatello had an unexpected fury run through his whole body, a rough need to turn around to hurt his brother. His own reaction disturbed him; he didn't understand, and nothing disturbed him more that not understanding. But nothing in his posture gave away the threat of this violent thought, and he didn't make a simple move, nothing except his fist and his jaw, which clenched a little more. And Raph noticed this tiny detail. Even if Donnie had turned his back to him, he noticed these little changes, and a bad feeling caused him to frown.

"You stayed here all day long?"

"No."

The answer was brief, hard. Raphael came near his younger sibling slowly. The silence had always been a part of their relationship, but for now, Raph found it to be hampering. Something was wrong.

"Where have you been?"

"Why should I tell you?"

Raph frowned a little more. This aggressive voice didn't fit Donnie.

"I never ask you where you go," said Donatello without looking away from the horizon.

"That's not the same. You know that I do need it to..."

"Because I don't, maybe?"

His voice was cold. Though, his breathing was a little faster, a little louder, and with a quick glance, Raph saw his brother's shoulders up and down a little bit faster than usual.

"You never did it, before."

Donnie had a little bitter laugh. "Before."

He felt his mouth's corners shake slightly. How many time he hadn't manage to control himself? Anger, sadness, confusion, all these feelings seemed to having a hard battle in his mind, and it didn't make sense. He breathed hard. He didn't want to speak to his older brother like that, he didn't want feel the guilt as well as the pleasure of letting out his anger. He wanted the storm in his head stops. He wanted...

"That how it feels, then?" he asked with the most neutral voice he could, breaking the awkward silence.

Raph watched him without understanding.

"What?"

"...Nothing."

Raph clicked his tongue impatiently. Donnie's embarrassing attitude played dangerously with his nerves. He wasn't the best for these things. He caught Don's shoulder and forced his brother to face him.

"What's wrong with you?"

Donnie broke the hold brutally, and Raph was in shock. Rarely has Donnie's eyes ever been so dark.

"Nothing at all!"

He challenged his older brother for a moment, on the defensive, before turning back again and crossed his arms on his plastron. His fingers were wrinkled on his arms, one of his nail automatically scratching his skin.

Raphael felt totally powerless. Powerless that he couldn't understand his brother, powerless to help him, to protect him. The fury that was caused because he couldn't do anything growled dangerously in his chest. He searched in vain for a thing during the last days which could have such consequences for Don, but he couldn't think about nothing.

"... What will it change, if I told you?" Donnie's voice was hoarsely, like he forced himself to speak. "It wasn't like you cared."

Raphael caught his wrist so violently that he wouldn't have been able to break it, forcing him to watch his eyes, but Donnie didn't do anything to protect himself, and watched with arrogance.

"Don't you ever," growled Raph, "dare to say that I didn't care about you or about anyone on our family!"

One time more, Donnie broke up.

"You or the others, it's the same. Nobody ever cares to know if I'm fine!"

Raph opened wide eyes at the unusual complaint. It wasn't like his purple-clad sibling to say such things.

"You never let us to know if something's wrong," he answered.

"Because you never ask me!" cried Donnie, clenching his fists. He bit his tongue for having let out an anger fragment. It growled inside, more and more.

"I'm not only a 'brainiac', Raph, I have feelings too!"

His reproachful voice hurt Raph more than he cared to admit.

"You never show it! If Mike, or myself are not fine, everyone can see it; even Leo shows it sometimes! But you... You lock yourself up in your room or you work on an invention, and we can never tell if something is wrong with you or if you simply go back in a world of your own! How can we know if you never say anything!" said Raph with criticism and misunderstanding.

"You should know!" answered Donatello with bad faith. He didn't like to hear the truth his brother was saying to him. He was wrong, and Don didn't like to be wrong.

"We can't read your mind!"

"YOU SHOULD!" cried Donatello, and he couldn't hold back his anger longer. "The conflicts between you and Leo, to play mediator between everyone, to comfort Mikey and Sensei when Leo was gone, to hide your bullshit, to try to hide my weakness when Master Splinter asked me to take responsibility over the family, which I failed, trying to deal with Leo's absence when I never asked to take his place, watching you hate me for this, then accept Leo's return and him take his place again like nothing happened, without anybody left to care only for one second about how I felt!" Donnie breathed hard while he spoke out once again. He swallowed hard. Now that he had started, he couldn't stop until he finished. Raphael looked him as if he was in a stupor, unable to move.

"I had to stand everything alone, in silence, without showing you anything, and nobody cares!"

"But nobody forced you to keep everything for yourself!"

"Don't speak about things you don't know!" Donnie retorted with a sneer at his brother. "It was not you that Sensei asked to be strong and to be sure of himself to counterbalance his weaknesses and hesitations, without that our family would be nothing! I didn't have a choice!"

"Nobody blamed you for it! Shell, how do you think we feel, when you chose to never share anything with us? You don't trust us enough to confide in us, in your language or your attitude!"

Donnie was shaking of fury, now.

"I didn't want! I didn't want to become like this!" he cried, eyes shutting with force. "I can't! And nobody... nobody..." He began to walk around, unable to stay in place anymore. Raph observed him, feeling an embarrassed because of the familiarity of the reaction.

"It's like...it's like I was ready to explode, every time. I'm angry, all the time! I have the feeling that I can't control anything anymore... Hell, I don't understand!"

He threw his fist brutally at Raph.

Slap.

Raph stopped his punch without difficulty. He felt his younger brother's fist shaking in his palm. He understood now. He understood Don's reaction. No word was necessary anymore. How could he blame Donnie for this anger?

Donatello couldn't stop himself. It was like a wall had broke in his mind, letting his fury run away through his veins completely, and his body screamed at him to let it out. He began to hit, hit with all his energy, at whatever it was that was Raph, whatever it was that was his brother, he just wanted to hit, hit until exhaustion, until everything was gone.

But he couldn't land a solid hit. Raph had always been the better fighter without weapons, he was the most built. The eldest let him hit during a few moments, these muddled, irrational knocks. He blocked it one after the other, and finally struck back and pushed his brother violently, throwing him to the floor.

In the following silence, only the jerky breathing of Don could be heard, leaning on his belly, face against the dust. All of his body was shaking nervously, he was covered with sweat and his head turned. Raph looked at him without moving, waiting for him to calm down.

Donnie tried to stand up, but couldn't achieve it. He felt empty, humiliated. Weak. He couldn't even control the tears that were running down his cheeks, and the sobs he tried to contain didn't allow him to breathe properly.

Worried, Raph kneeled beside him. That how it feels, then? Now he understood exactly what Don had meant. This anger, he knew it too well. That's because when his brother had started to attack him, he hadn't done anything, hadn't said anything to try to reason him. He accepted it. He knew Don had needed it and he couldn't clear his head in any other way, that he couldn't control it. He himself hadn't achieved it for 19 years...

Slowly, he extended an arm and put his unsure hand on Donnie's shaking shoulder.

"Did you speak with Leo?" asked him, not sure if that was the right thing to say.

"I can't deal with that alone," answered Donnie with an almost inaudible voice, trying weakly to go away.

Raph snorted.

"Yeah, I can see that."

Gripping his young sibling firmly, he help him to stand up. Donnie gripped his arm to keep his balance.

"I feel weird..."

"Tell me about it" Raph smiled, between mockery and concern. "...Do you feel better, at least?"

"Yes... No... I dunno..."

He closed his eyes for a moment, scrubbed furiously at his tears. He wasn't used to letting himself fall in such extremities of his feelings, especially in front of the others. He was exhausted, mentally and physically. He wanted only one thing, to go home, close himself of in his room, lay on his bed, and forget. Wake up tomorrow and act like nothing had happened. But the feeling of loneliness he had felt these last few times came back to hurt his throat. Okay, he always liked the solitude. But there was a difference between the solitude he chose, and the one he felt in his own family. So closed physically, and so far, so alone, though... It hurts more than all the blows he received in his life. And as a ninja, he received a fair few.

"I don't want..." he began to mumble, eyes remaining closed, not sure if he said that loud or not.

"What don't you want, Donnie?" Raph's voice was unusually gentle, and Donnie felt like he was a child again.

"To be alone... I..." He clenched his teeth, trying to hold back what was hurting in his throat. His fingers tightened a little more around Raph's arm. An only word was dancing around in his mind, like an endless punishment. Alone. Finally, he broke down completely into his brother's arms.

"I didn't want-I didn't want to go! I..." He sobbed without trying to stop himself, now, and Raphael felt awkward, not used with this sort of situation, not sure about the right attitude to adopt. "I kept all for myself, and I believed... I believed I could... That I needn't... But... Aaaah!"

He didn't know what he wanted to say anymore, what he wasn't thinking clearly. He was there, sobbing, vulnerable, his whole body shaking violently, his forehead against into the crook of his brother's neck, his hands locked around his broad shoulders, and Raph finally drew him in forcefully, in a fierce, protective embrace.

"Its okay, Don. We're here. We... Well..."

"...what?" asked Donnie, sniffling, his sobs now calmed down.

"Whatever."

He needn't to speak, and hoped that his younger brother understood. Donnie stayed for a moment without moving, his eyes lost, then murmured from a broken voice:

"I wanna go home."

Raph let him go, looking away while Donnie cleaned his cheeks. He leaded the way back, silently, and was strangely reassured to feel his younger brother's presence beside him.

While they were walking the last hole before the lair, Donnie's steps stopped, so Raph did too. Without turning around, he waited.

"Raph...?"

"What?"

"Thank you."

Raph turned slightly his head, and offered him a typically Raph-ish smile.

"You idiot."