Author's note:This is right after the werewolf inncident with Remus, Snape, Sirius and gang. I don't own anything and probably never will.
I looked up and I saw Peter searching for a seat in the common room confused, which was how I felt. It was odd, not having James and Sirius together. I assumed Peter was confused, because I was sitting next to James and Sirius was all alone. If things were normal Peter would sit next to Sirius to even things out. But things weren't normal. Sirius had done something, something that I refuse to think about, but I could tell he was thinking about it. It was the way he was drooping and actually doing his homework.
I waved Peter over and told him he could have my seat, I decided that I should try and make things right with Sirius. It really wasn't completely his fault; we forget that he doesn't ever think ahead. It's part of his charm. I am constantly thinking ahead, I don't do a lot of things because I'm afraid of the consequences. This can be a good and bad thing. Sirius never thinks ahead, or plans or anything. Everything he does is spontaneous and by the seat of your pants. This is mostly a bad thing, fun but bad. James is the only one of us who can plan ahead and still be spontaneous. I haven't figured out how he does it, he makes things up as he goes but always knows what to do.
I saw James look up at me, but I shook my head. He would only make things worse. For some reason the… thing Sirius did made him madder than it did me. James has such high expectations sometimes he forgets we make mistakes. As I walked over to Sirius I noted that he knew I was coming. He would look all around the common room, but never at me, the fact that I was now right in front of his face was proof he was avoiding me.
"We've got to talk," I said this as quietly as I could. The four of us fighting was a big deal among the other kids. The whole room got silent and everyone was looking at us. I could feel my cheeks burning, but I was ignoring everyone but Sirius. He still wouldn't look me in the eye but he stood up and glared at everyone else in the room. Hurried conversations suddenly took place, and Sirius and I walked up to our rooms.
I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say, I forgive you? That sounded dumb, and prickish. Unfortunately we reached our dorm room before I could think of something.
"Umm…" This was not a good way to start, but I honestly couldn't think of anything.
Fortunately for me he finished the sentence. "I'm sorry Moony, really I am." His not looking me in the eye was really starting to get annoying. "I – If you don't want to be fr-." This was where I interrupted him. He was going to say something dumb, so I beat him to it.
"Look at me," I commanded, and he did. But I don't think I was prepared to look at him. His eyes were so sad and his hair was messed up and it wasn't normal. "Don't be stupid I forgave you for it as soon as I found out what happened." It's hard to forgive someone for something that you refuse to think about.
"Why?" he asked still cautious, probably fearing if he said something wrong I would get mad.
"Because we're friends. I just try not to think about it," that probably wasn't the best answer.
"I can't stop thinking about it," he told me, and I knew he was telling the truth because his eyes were haunted, and kind of scary to look at. "I keep thinking James could've died, or you woulda –,"
But I stopped listening to him then. James could've died? How close did they get to me that night? I don't remember what happens when I transform. No one told me that James could've died.
"Oh shit," I whispered, James wasn't Prongs when he saved Snape. He couldn't have been, because then they would've known that James, Sirius, and Peter were animagi.
Sirius looked at me worriedly. If I had been thinking clearly I would have known what he was thinking. I don't swear very often, and when I do it mean's something is very wrong. "What?" he asked me.
I whispered, "James could've died?" He gave me a weird look, one that I interpreted as what else were you worried/mad at me for?In defense of myself I said, "I haven't been thinking about it."
"So what were you worried about," he asked almost upset. I could tell he didn't want to add the why were you mad at me part.
Unfortunately for him I remembered and under the stress of realizing what could have happened I said really quiet, "I was worried about being expelled. If Snape found out and told everyone about me and my lycanthropy. Nobody would want me to be at school anymore."
"So you didn't even realize James risked his life to help you?" he asked in a slightly high-pitched voice. This was what had been eating at him not my possible expulsion.
"I don't really remember the night's details. I had no idea how close people got to me that night," If I had been calmer I would have stopped there. I really wish that someone would shut me up, because whatever comes out of my mouth next cannot be good. "I just figured if Snape found out what I was, not even Dumbledore could've stopped him from telling everyone. Can you even imagine the problems if I had actually bitten him, or James?" my voice was getting louder now. My screaming had silenced the tiny voice in my head telling me to shut up. "There would be letters from parents who didn't want me in school. Dumbledore would have no choice but to expel me. And who knows what other legal implications they could charge me with. And you want to know something?" He shook his head, and I wish I would listen to him, but I couldn't stop. "Your mum would probably be the head of it." I said this cold and quietly and I really wished I could take it back.
I was breathing heavily after this spectacle and Sirius looked like I had kicked him in the face, which I suppose I might have. Metaphorically speaking. Sirius now had a murderous glare, which was unfortunately directed at me. I put my head down between my knees and hoped everything would get better or I would disappear. Sirius who had been standing sat down and I said "sorry," but it was muffled because my head was on my knees.
"What was that?" he asked coldly. He had run away from his family last summer and stayed with James. He didn't believe in any of their pureblood crap, and it 'upset' him when someone mentioned it.
This would of course the time that James walked in on us.
I looked down at my watch and sure enough it had been twenty minutes since Sirius and I had left the common room. We had this unspoken rule of sorts, that when two of us were trying to make up a third person would come and check on them about twenty minutes later. Twenty minutes tended to be the right amount of time to fix things, or make them much worse. Unfortunately I believe I had made things worse. If James had just come five or so minutes later I might have been able to smooth things out, but no, now we added James to the mix. Things should get interesting.
"Problems?" he asked coolly. I could only imagine what he was thinking. I had tried to make things right, but he comes up here and Sirius is looking like he wants to kill me and I'm the one who caused the problem.
"He brought up my mum," Sirius said accusingly. If anyone else had said that it would have sounded extremely funny.
"You're gonna have to get over that mate," James started to say ignoring Sirius's looks of hatred. "Everyone knows how to get a rise out of you, but that's not really the point right now." At this they both looked at me.
"I don't blame you for what happened Padfoot," I told him quietly.
"You should," He wouldn't look at me again. On the one hand he didn't sound angry anymore, on the other it was very annoying.
"You were just being you. You can't help that anymore than I can help being a werewolf."
"But I should've-"He started.
"Shut up," I said, they both looked at me, well sort of. Sirius was looking at my left knee, but James was looking at me, unfortunately I couldn't read his expression and it would have been really nice to know if he was supporting me.
"I don't want to think about. I know things won't be normal, but I can't stand this not talking anymore. So Sirius, I forgive you for whatever you thought you did. And James," I added turning to him, this time he wasn't looking at me, "Talk to Sirius. I'm going back downstairs to finish my homework." And with that I left them.
Sort of. I stood outside the door listening for tell-tale signs of who knows what, but with Sirius and James you can never be sure. After awhile I didn't hear anything I went back downstairs to talk to Peter.
Author's note again: Please leave some constructive criticism it would be really appreciated. Thank you.