From the depths of the dark, cold night arose a deafening BUMP! "OW WTF" shouted O'Connell as he rubbed his shin. Curse that evil coffee table! It always does this and ENJOYS the cries of pains from its victims. "Stupid coffee table!" O'Connell scolded unknowningly at this suddenly possessed object of furniture.

"INSOLENT HUMAN OF THE MALE VARIETY" screamed the coffee table "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK IN SUCH A TONE TO THE KING OF ALL THINGS WOOD AND FURNITURE"

"WTF"

"FOR SUCH DISRESPECT YOU SHALL BE PUNISHED WITH FANGIRLS AND BONDAGE"

"SICK!" and O'Connell pulled out his gun and shot the coffee table.

The coffee table laid silent. O'Connell went to the bathroom, did his business, then headed back for bed. He figured he had dreamt up the whole thing.

BUT HE HAD NOT. In the morning O'Connell wandered out to find a nice bullet hole in the ANTIQUE CHESTNUT COFFEE TABLE WITH DETAILED CARVINGS THAT HE WAS BORROWING FROM HERMANN. He stared at it stupified as is his manner with most things surprising and WTF-worthy.

Then he spazzed. "Oh no! What am I going to tell Hermann!"

"DID I HEAR MY NAME!" screamed Hermann as he burst through the door and scared the living daylights out of O'Connell (thank goodness O'Connell used the bathroom earlier). "OMG WHAT HAPPENED TO MOTHER'S COFFEE TABLE!" Yes, it wasn't just any ANTIQUE CHESTNUT COFFEE TABLE WITH DETAILED CARVINGS THAT WAS BORROWED FROM HERMANN. It was THE PRESIDENT'S ANTIQUE CHESTNUT COFFEE TABLE WITH DETAILED CARVINGS THAT WAS BORROWED FROM HERMANN.

O'Connell had to think fast! Too bad this is O'Connell we're talking about. "You wouldn't believe it! Last night I entered the living room only to discover this giant Paper Wasp of d00m! Since the table is obviously the best wood here, it immediately went to to eat that!" Because a giant Paper Wasp of d00m! is so much more believable than a possessed coffee table.

"Paper wasps don't eat wood."

"I'm not finished."

"Oh."

Continuing from that interruption! "Immediately I sprang for my gun and fired a shot at it! But the scheming insect moved at the last second! Then it flew out the window!" Too bad it's obviously cold enough at night that no one in their right minds would leave a window open.

"...you shot the table?"

O'Connell looked up at the ceiling and rocked back and forth on his feet.

"What the hell you were thinking shooting at a table!"

"You want that the giant Paper Wasp of d00m! would've eaten it?"

"PAPER WASPS DON'T EAT WOOD!"

SUDDENLY THE COFFEE TABLE ONCE AGAIN BECAME POSSESSED AND STARTED DRY-HUMPING HERMANN'S LEG

"WTF" Hermann flailed "GET THIS THING OFF ME!"

"Sorry, Colonel," O'Connell said calmly. "It's not my problem now. You repossessed it."

DRUM RIFF

(RUNS)

(If you didn't get the pun, I apologize.)