Chapter One
Do you ever get that feeling? The feeling where your heart is pounding and butterflies erupt in your tummy to perform a dance that only professionals can create? Well that's how I've always felt about Control, my boyfriend's brother. Conrad has been the love of my life so long that I can't even remember a time where my heart was captured by him. I know it has been a part of my soul for so long that if my love for him left there would emptiness inside of me. He was the guy I used to do the teenage quizzes from 17 magazine about whether or not be loved me or not. He was the guy I would judge my clothing on to see if it was good enough to see me in. He was the guy that used to be a part of all of my MASH scenarios that when he was my husband I used to place in a box under my bed and think it as my future life. Sometimes when karma was on my side he would send me a smile; Conrad's smile. It was a smile that would show off his white smile that wouldn't just light up his face but the whole room around him. I found myself always in tune with what he was thinking or doing, which is why I always thought we would be together. I saw him as mine, my Conrad. Even when he was never mine I still always treated him like mine, no matter what girl came into his life they were a mere blip to the lifetime we had spent with each other. So when he told me that I should be with Jeremiah it broke my heart. Not the break others talk about where they sit in their room and eat ice-cream but the break where you could hear it. My heart was made of glass in that instance; a delicate piece of glass that got shattered against a wall in a pub brawl. An unsatisfying end that no one could ever help fix. Sometimes if I think about it long enough I can still here the break, but I never know if that is from him or from Susannah. Either way it doesn't matter, my heart was broken by both of them and Jeremiah stuck a plaster on it, both of us ignoring the infection and blood seeping through. We ignored the heart both of us felt because it was too hard. But it was about to be torn apart, and we were going to have to deal with things neither of us ever wanted to happen.
"So it's graduation day." Taylor comments and I look at her with an awkward smile. Tay and I managed to get accepted into the same college and although we spent a lot of time with each other we made sure to have separate spaces so we could gain new friends.
"I know I can't wait to finally get into the big wide world." I answer, though my voice betrays me.
"What's wrong with you?" Tay asks looking over to me, stopping from curling her hair.
"They're both going to be there." I whisper and tears pool to my eyes, and I try not to let them fall so they won't ruin my makeup. I couldn't explain much but even when I say they she knows who I'm on about. The only two people that can give me this reaction at the mere mention of the pair of them together.
"At least you have one less worry about picking between them. You're with Jeremiah now and for so many years now you know the kid loves you." She tries to comfort me but it doesn't really help. Although Jere is my boyfriend we all know that it wasn't my choice, he's not the Fisher brother that has my heart pounding with just one look. I love Jeremiah because he' been there for me in a way no one else ever has but he won't ever be my one true love, I've just stopped trying when I know my one true love gave me up.
"Yeah I know." I reply softly and give her a sad smile but one with enough conviction that I'm okay. We've have this conversation enough times for it to not go anywhere so she walks back into the bathroom to carry on her hair and I look in the mirror to see the final product. My navy blue dress hugs the curves I've somehow managed to gain, even with the rubbish quality of food, and I look professional and mature. My makeup is simple and my hair is left natural because it will come back to looking like this anyways. I give myself one final judge and I decide I look good enough to be near the Fisher brothers.
You know the final moments of high school or college and you think back to the beginning of when you attended and this moment feels like a decade's time. It only felt like yesterday that I was a nervous first year asking for directions and stumbling to my lessons. So I guess when I finally sat down in my assigned seating to get my degree I was in minor shock. Okay, major shock. My ballerina costume no longer fitted my ambition to be a princess no longer felt achievable and I didn't know how to deal with it. I was Isabel Conklin; the 21 year old girl who was closing a chapter in her life that felt like it was going on forever, leaving behind her childhood love and dating his brother. I was going to start not thinking about Conrad and decide whether or not I want to spend my life with Jere. I was about to put my big girls panties on. I get a text and look down to see Steven's name on the screen.
Steven: Just go our seats, about 20 behind you and a bit to the right. Here if you get nervous
Steven's text calms my nerves and I look around to try and find him. I see dad pulling a funny face and mum waking him with her hand. They were getting on a lot better since we both flew the nest and it was great to see a great friendship in them now. They were both holding their cameras and tissues at the ready and I was thankful I still had both of them. Susannah was my second mum, I felt like she was my favourite mum sometimes but I loved my mum a lot. It was just that Susannah was more caring for you, she made you feel special. Jere sat next to Steven, with Conrad on his other side. Steven points at both of the Fisher brothers and looks at me as if it was an awkward situation before then making his hand into a gun and pulling a trigger into his head. He was joking of course and I stifle my giggles into the back of my hand as the man at the front starts talking.
My name gets called out and my attention suddenly sparks back to what we were here for and I walk to the steps to grasp the piece of paper that holds my efforts for the last 4 years. I shake the man's hand and walk down the other side after smiling at the crowd. I wait for the names to be called out and everyone to finish before I run over and give Taylor a quick hug and a few selfies with our diplomas. I walk over to my family and before I get near them my mum runs and hugs me tightly, I was utterly surprised but latched on just as tightly as I knew it was from both her and Susannah.
"We're so proud of you." She whispers into my hair before placing a kiss on my forehead and wiping off any traces of her baby pink lipstick. My dad is next and he wraps me up in a big bear hug and I hug him back, both of us laughing.
"Well done kiddo, who would have known that I would end up having two intelligent children?" He exclaims, unwrapping his arms,
"All comes from me, now we must take pictures of my babies last day in education." Mum pushes us in and Jere takes a photo of my parents and I. Steven then demands to come in and he swings me around in celebration. I let out a bubble of laugh and please with him to let me down.
"Steven, put me down right now. Steven!" I say through my laughs, not sounding serious at all.
"Oh Belly, my little sister is getting all grown up." He places his hands to pinch my cheeks and I shove them away. The family all pose for a photo and I'm wrapped up in a hug before I even understand who it is. I look up to see the blonde boy that I know loves me. He bends down and kisses my lips softly before giving me another quick hug. The love in his eyes should make me ecstatic; heck anyone else would be ecstatic for having such a fantastic guy love me as much as he does. However I can't be ecstatic because when I look over to his brother I give him the eyes I should be giving Jeremiah. I walk over to Conrad, trying not to feel everyone's eyes on me and how awkward that makes me feel. I try to ignore the sparks that I felt through my body and I would have savoured it more had everyone not been around. I tried to put Jere's love to the front of my mind instead of the way Con's arms around me were the safest place I could ever be, or the way his hot breath send the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and Goosebumps appear of my arms. I walk back over to Jere and I can see the slight dent in between his eyebrows, clearly trying to seem okay with the idea of us hugging. It sent a small break through my heart at me causing this because it wasn't my fault and it wasn't his either. It was Conrad's and it still hurt every time the three of us are together. I slip one arm around Jere's waist and he sends a small smile my way before kissing my forehead. At least that's one of us a bit happier.
"Party tonight." I say to the boys while I eat my burger as my celebration meal from them. We were all sat on a table eating at our greasy foods thinking about what we were going to do tonight.
"Will we be able to get to Cousins in enough time tomorrow though?" Steven asks. As a special treat from the parents we had the summer alone in the beach house unless we wanted them to come.
"It's a party and we have the whole of summer to be in Cousins." I answer back finishing off my burger.
"Let's just do it. It will be the last college party any of us will be allowed to go to officially." Conrad says looking over to me with his mysterious eyes. I turn away instantly and face my brother. I will not cause drama this summer.
"Fine I'm in." Steven comments and we all finish our meals. We arrive at the party when it's in full swing. Most people were dancing and talking, writing down phone numbers to keep in contact with each other and just hugs to say good bye. It probably would have made me sad, if the music wasn't pounding through the house. I say a few hellos to my friends and just head to the garden where I know Taylor is. I spot her over by the keg talking to some of the girls in her dorm. She waves me over and I tell the guys to just do what they like. They all head off in different directions and I don't doubt one of them will end up being involved in some kind of trouble. It follows us around; the four of us attract trouble like a magnet. I was always the young one, the odd one out. The dreaded girl. Fortunately after the trial tests I managed to be able to join in with their ideas. When I was 7 we once found a crab in one of the rock pools. Conrad picked it up and we put it in a sandcastle bucket and waited for the boy to find it. He screamed when he saw it and we all laughed so hard that we ended up not bring able to breathe. His father was watching what had happened and it turned out he was a local police officer. We managed to get off with a telling off and were told to never do it again or we would be 'accordingly punished'. I didn't even know what it meant at the time but Steven said it had something to do with being musically punished. I'm not sure if he didn't know what the word meant or if he was just mocking me, either way we never did it again.
We were there for an hour before I started feeling sick in my stomach. I know something wasn't right and my body was sending me warning alerts to figure out what was wrong. I looked around to see Taylor dancing with all of our college friends, Conrad and Steven were near the door talking to each other and I couldn't find Jere. I made my way slowly up the stairs trying to calm down any nerves. I knew whatever I was going to face was bad. I had the same feeling before we got told about Susannah dying, before Conrad told me to be with Jere, before I found out that Father Christmas was as real as me being a fairy princess. I had come to loathe this feeling and I knew I wasn't prepared for anything that I was about to face. I was about to walk through the door for the bathroom to calm my nerves when I heard a moan. I knew the moan, it was Jeremiah's. Now although we never had sex we had our heated moments for me to know that moan pretty well. Before I had time to psych myself out I open the door quietly and look inside. I look inside to find Jeremiah and his ex-flame having sex. My eyes bug out and I quickly close the door before they know the door was ever opened. I don't think it would have mattered if I had left it open because they were only focussing on each other, both clearly forgetting that he had a girlfriend he was meant to love. I run to the bathroom and throw up the little alcohol and burger I had as what has happened actually hits me. When I finish throwing up I quickly go to Steven and Conrad and when they notice me they look nervously at each other. Tears were now finally streaming down my face in a horrific mess in a way that only the Fisher family cause me.
"Are you okay?" Steven asks and I shake my head. He pulls me into his side but I quickly move out of it.
"I need to leave; can you both come with me?" I walk out of the door before getting an answer and they follow without hesitating.
"Should I try and find Jere?" Conrad asks, trying to understand the situation.
"No!" I answer forcefully and they both look shocked. "I'm sure he's got plenty of people who are willing to take as much care of him as he wants." I add with venom in my voice.
"We will go with you Bell but you need to tell us what happened." Steven says, cracking his knuckles in nerves.
"That's fine, I would just rather you not make a scene so can I tell you on the way home?" I ask and they both nod before we get in the car. I take the driver's seat and they both slide into the back, both too nervous to question my driving skills at this moment in time. However, the more I focus on driving the calmer I will be. After about 10 minutes of driving I finally calm down enough to start.
"Jeremiah and I have decided to terminate our relationship." I tell them simply because I really don't want to go into detail how the guy who was meant to protect my broken heart managed to break me even more.
"You decided to split up?" Conrad questions he must be surprised that his brother managed to let go of me.
"Well no not yet. I dumped him but he doesn't know it yet." I move in my seat and focus on the road even more.
"And why have you done that? Can you tell us something that is helpful?" Sean asks clearly annoyed that I was trying to be quiet about what happened.
"Well," I start and then lick my lips. "At this moment in time Jeremiah is not thinking about me. He's thinking with his dick and his dick his telling him to sleep with Anna." I say her name was distain because no girl could say her name nicely while she is hooking up with their boyfriend. I look in the rear-view mirror to see both boys' looking rather angry. I carry on driving to my apartment that I own. When we finally get there I throw open my door and open the front door quickly. I guess it didn't matter how fast I did it. I would have still felt the empty pang seeing Jeremiahs clothes around the room and his bag that he was taking to Cousins. I went into my bedroom got out of my clothes and put on sweatpants and a jumper. If this was any other night I would have cuddled up with Taylor and eaten a tub of Ben & Jerry's' ice-cream but then I was with my brother and Conrad. I couldn't be the old Belly; the Belly that would be emotional, the Belly that everyone thought was sweet and innocent, the Belly that everyone could trample on and still be all right. No, that Belly died tonight when her last hope crashed and burned. When the glass heart managed to break even more and let me tell you it hurt. It hurt more than stepping on a Lego block. It hurt more than knowing there will never be another episode of Friends. It hurt more than when you get told by your crush that your parents are getting a divorce. This was the moment I decided I needed a change. A change that will help my hearts broken pieces be fixed and Cousins was the perfect place for that. The place where it all began!