Hi everyone. So I'm jumping the same train as many of those Calzona writers out there...This will have a happy ending for Calzona in the end despite me actually wanting to do something different but there will be angst a long the way and we might find one halve of our girls has moved on. At this stage I only have a vague direction of where I'm heading with this but rest assured if you stick it out you'll get a great pay off!
I haven't written anything in years and I have no Beta so all mistakes are my own and if it sucks please let me know...constructively. I won't put up with random abusive Anon messages, I'll just block that avenue if people can't act like grown up's.
But in the mean time I hope you do enjoy and please drop a PM or comment if you're enjoy the first chapter and I'll try to have the second one out as soon as I can.
There's no place like home, and no-one like you.
Chapter 1
The sun is breaking out through the morning sky as the sound of children running and parents cheering echo around me. A freckled and fair arm is wrapped around my shoulder holding me close and eyes that are a replica of my own stare up at me from the Soccer field. A whistle blows, sounding far away to my ears and the woman beside me jumps up and down excitedly jostling me from a memory of a conversation that has stuck with me all morning.
'When you see Sofia kick a ball across the room, and you start to daydream about 20 years from now, when Sofia scores the winning goal at the woman's world cup final...and the whole stadium is chanting her name...'Torres, Torres...' and it's all slow motion and you're in the stands screaming and crying...so the question is, who do you want screaming and cheering beside you?'
I look to the woman beside me, her face smiling and happy like she has everything she's always wanted. She's standing beside me, cheering my daughter on, she's loved me and loved my daughter like Sofia was her own. She's accepted me and my baggage, along with every fault I have. She's planned a life for us, made a home for us yet as I stand here on a sunny Saturday morning watching my little girl play Soccer with someone I love and who loves me back I realize that this isn't the future I want.
It's not a sudden epihphany, it doesn't just come to me in the moment as I stand surrounded by soccer mums and children covered in mud.
"Go Sofia! That's a girl!" Penny yells out while giving me a friendly nudge.
I smile and clap and do what I'm supposed to do as another memory invades my mind.
'Plane tickets...bring her back next weekend..and I want all summer and every other school year. I want Christmas this time but you can get next time...and I'll figure out the rest of the details.'
'What?..are you saying...'
'Listen we did this wrong, we had a chance to do it right and we missed it..'
'Are you saying...'
'I'm saying...that Sofia deserves to have two happy Mums...I'm saying...lets all be happy'
'Thank you'
As the memory of that moment fades away it feels like a ice cold hand is wrapped around my heart. Because I'm not happy. Again, it isn't a light bulb moment, this isn't news to me but standing here watching Sofia and having Penny beside me, actually being here in the 'future' that I was so sure I wanted my heart hurts because I realize that I am here in the future and I'm still not happy and that scares the crap out of me. I'm content but am I fufilled? No. Is my heart doing cartwheels as the woman who loves me stands by my side and cheers my daughter on? No. I'm just here, existing. I thought this was what I wanted. This was the picture after all. When Bailey posed that question to me that day, I saw Penny by my side, I was so sure she was what I wanted that I didn't give anything a second thought.
Nearly a year has passed since I left Seattle. The first couple months were a whirlwind of settling in at work, at home, managing schedules and arranging visitation scheduling with Arizona about Sofia that I barely had time to think about anything else. Work kept me busy for a while, it's a good job but it's not the same as running my own department. I work less, get paid less and when Sofia hasn't been with me, I've been on my own because Penny's been so busy with her grant. In those moments I thought of Seattle, I thought of my friends at Grey Sloan and I thought of Arizona, but I never allowed my thoughts to linger too long on the blonde because everytimethey did, I felt a tiny tug at my heart, a voice would pop up and make me doubt the choice I had made and I couldn't fail at another relationship. I chose Penny, I uplifted Sofia's life and I know I hurt Arizona so I had to make it work.
When Penny did have time off, we would spend it together and with Sofia when she was around and I've...content. But as content as its been I'm not blind. Sofia hasn't been the happy go lucky child she normally is. She's been more withdrawn and the light that used to sparkle in her eyes is dulled. Even then at the expense of my daughter I've pushed on because for one brief moment in time, I saw Penny standing by my side. I had a woman who loved me, who wanted me so I didn't question anything else. I was living in the moment and wrapped up in a new relationship. What could be so wrong with that? I had already walked away once before from someone that loved me I wasn't about to do it again so I ignored what was in front of me and pushed on.
Now though, in a few day's Sofia will be boarding a plane to Seattle to spend Christmas with her mother and I'm supposed to stay here with Penny and celebrate with her and instead of feeling elated, instead of feeling happy to have uninterrupted time with the woman I love all I feel is depressed. All I feel is a sense of dread and unhappiness because I know I can't continue to do this.
A life where everything is just fine, isn't enough for me.
A life where my daughter walks around like a shadow of her former self isn't right.
A life where I see someone else by my side is what I want. It's what I've always wanted but I was too hurt, too stubborn and too scared to admit it and now I've lost it all.
"Callie...Calliope...hello?!"
"Huh?" I'm shaken out of my reveire by Penny waving a hand in front of my face and looking concerned.
"I've been trying to get your attention for a while, you seem kind of out of it...i-is...everything alright?"
"Oh sorry, um, I was just lost in thought".
"Ok well the game is over and Sof's waiting for us down on the field, we should head down, then maybe we can take her out for Ice Cream. What do you think?" Penny ask's me hopefully.
I know she can sense something is wrong but she doesn't push me. She never has. And that's part of the problem that has me feeling this way. Penny's great. She's pretty and talented, kind and thoughtful. She's perfect for me except she doesn't make my heart pound, not like I know it's capable of. There's no fire between us, it's more like a mild simmer. Even sexually it's just fine. I enjoy making love to her, but she doesn't make me want to rip her clothes off and fuck her for day's on end. Everything with Penny is just fine. And I don't want fine. I want passion and fire, I want someone who even though they infuriate me to the point where I want to throw them out a window, I still want to wake up to them the next day. I want someone that with one look still after months and years makes my knees tremble. I want someone that makes me quiver with a single feather light touch.
There's only ever been one person that's been able to do that for me.
And she's miles away in a different city.
And she would never forgive me, even though we parted on good terms, I know I hurt her, I put her through hell, we put each other through hell but ultimatley I left. I walked away not once but twice and in the year that I've been gone we have barely spoken. Only formalities regarding Sofia and the odd, how are you, I'm good. That's about it.
And now I'm here in New York with a woman that while I care about her deeply, I don't see a future with her. The woman I do see a future with is in another city and probably well and truly moved on with her life.
"Seriously Calliope, what is wrong?"
Again I'm shaken out of my thoughts by Penny who is looking more distressed by the minute.
"I...I, we need to talk" I state bluntly. "Not here, not now but tonight, we really need to talk Penny".
She looks terribly apprehensive and I feel utterly horrible because I know I'm about to burst this bubble we've been in but for the last few years everything has been so...distorted. I've not felt secure and safe and sure for a long time and now I do. Now I really once and for all now what I want in life. I've made a hell of a mess on the way and I've hurt people terribly and I don't look forward to doing it again but it's like the fog has finally been lifted and I can see clearly now. I can't let this drag out any long, it's not fair on Penny, Sofia or myself.
"Is everything alright? What's happened? You're scaring me Callie"
"Lets just get Sofia and go get some Ice Cream and then we'll talk tonight Ok?" I say. " I promise I'll explain everything later. Lets just get out of here for now".
Penny nods her head and I can see how unsure she is and I hate being the reason for that but it's time I stopped living a lie and allow myself to finally accept the truth. I've hidden it away for so long that I stopped believing it but it's out now, and I can't not accept it.
I have to be true to my heart.
Even if it means hurting someone else.
The boulder in my stomach feels heavy as I follow quietly behind Penny as we make our way to the Soccer field. When we arrive, Sofia quietly approaches us.
"Hi Mami, Hi Penny".
"Hi Baby girl. You were so great out there, I'm really proud of you!" I exclaim excitedly although in all honesty I didn't really notice much of her game too caught up in my own thoughts which makes me feel guilty.
"Thanks Mami. Are we going home now?" My brown haired beauty asks and I notice the distinct lack of enthusiasm in her voice as she questions if we are going home, which makes the guilt just pile on. I've selfishly hurt my daughter because I didn't want to fail, I didn't want to see the truth because I was still too hurt and because of that my poor darling girl has been suffering. It only makes me more determined to fix this.
"I thought we could go for Ice Cream instead...what do you think Sof?" pipes up Penny trying to add some cheerfulness to the situation.
Sofia looks to me and I nod my head with a smile on my face, she smiles back but it's not as bright as it used to be.
"Okay, lets go for Ice Cream" she say's and she starts walking off the field. I stand there a moment as I watch her walk away and Penny automatically falls into step with her and takes her little hand and my heart clenches painfully because I'm about to break this woman's heart.
"Come on Mami" Sofia yells out as they stop and turn around.
I plaster a fake smile on my face as Penny eyes me apprehensively and jog over to catch up with them.
"Sorry sweetpea, lets go, I'm dying to have some chocolate ice cream!" I say enthusiastically hoping to keep things as happy as I can for the moment.
Tonight will come all too soon and it's going to be horribly hard but for now I can take my daughter to get Ice Cream and I can share this last moment with Penny.
After tonight everything is going to change.
There you have it, my very first chapter! Let me know what ya'll think and if you's are interested in me continuing this!