The Unbearable Lightness of Being Out of the Closet
By Kairi Taylor
Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine, they are the copyright of the show's creators, Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn. The character of Daria was created by David Felton.
Also, try not to become too rabid about the pairing I have for this story. It's fan fiction for criminy's sake. Yes, I am also aware of that article written called "What I Think About Valentine's Day".
In the entire history of the relationship between the two Morgendorffer sisters, there have been many an awkward moment of silence shared between the two. The one they found themselves in currently was probably going to be the top one.
The two currently were sitting on top of Daria's bed in her room. Quinn was dressed in a red shirt and pair of jeans with black sneakers. Daria, however, was in a woolly green bath robe. And that was it. As to why she was wearing a woolly green bath robe…well it had to do with the source of the uncomfortable silence. Quinn's eyes darted back and forth across the room as she struggled to find the words to engage her sister, who was red faced, in conversation. Fortunately for her, Daria had managed to find these words.
"You know, I believe a few years ago, it was more than likely it would have been me walking in on you engaged in a act of love with a significant other." Daria deadpanned. The monotone voice of reason in the Morgendorffer household had made her observations quick and to the point. Why change now?
"Yeah, probably. That is if I would actually let a boy touch me," Quinn agreed, "but I figured you'd have left the door locked."
"We were under the impression Mom and Dad had been absent. Of course, we neglected to take account of the fact that you may actually be home early for once."
"I can only stand one of Sand's rants for so long," Quinn pointed out "and even I have my limits. It's amazing just how long I've kept my urges to stuff a pillow into her mouth in check."
"Why fight? Give in to the Dark Side, young Jedi." Daria suggested.
"Sorry, capital offenses are still a huge no-no."
"What amazes me is the fact that you still hang out with her after all this time," Daria observed, "or the fact that anyone still puts up with her."
"Sadly, for the sake of our class project, I have to. You know how college professors are about teamwork sometimes." Quinn pointed out.
"Oh yeah, do I ever."
Quinn had been accepted into the nearby university that was located in Lawndale a few miles away from her house. Daria, who was currently enrolled in Raft University as a newly minted graduate student, was visiting the household for the holiday. Daria had visited her parents many times in the year during breaks, but she very rarely brought anyone with her. This visit changed that. "At least Stacy has gotten away from her. How's she doing now that she is no longer the proverbial doormat?"
"I think her new career as a stuntwoman has done wonders for her," Quinn replied, "but there's no way in hell she will ever convince me to go skydiving over the Grand Canyon with her. The ride in her new Porsche was bad enough."
"It beats having to visit Tiffany in prison. Who'd thought that she'd actually live up to the yearbook declaration of 'Girl Most Likely To Be Put In Prison For Embezzlement'?"
"As much fun as it is to address the fates of certain members of the Fashion Club, you do realize we have to address the elephant in the room."
"I was banking on you not doing that," Daria sighed, "but I guess we have to."
"Yeah. It's not every day you come home, look for your older sister and find out in one fell swoop she's a lesbian."
"That's putting it mildly." Daria replied. Adjusting her glasses, she said to Quinn "I wasn't too sure how I was going to break the news to you. I'm not exactly one to talk about my love life."
"Tell me about it. I didn't even know you were dating Tom until 3 weeks after. Then again, I doubt I could have said anything useful."
"I think the idea of a girl who juggles 3 guys dispensing advice about romance to me would cause some sort of tear in the time-space continuum" Daria said. Nodding in agreement, Quinn continued "But still, I'm not completely unapproachable about these sort of things. Give me a little credit now, I have matured quite a lot since Lawndale High."
"That's all I can ever hope for. And at least you have a steady boyfriend."
"Yeah, Terry's pretty hot." Daria did not want to ask about what had happened to her previous 3 admirers, Joey Jeffy and Jamie. Not after the little rumor that had popped up when she came back. "I would have figured that even if you were a lesbian you'd have…"
"I know, I know, hook up with Jane. I get that a lot. Trust me, Jane's anything BUT. The guy she's seeing in Boston will confirm that for you."
"So, how long have you known?" Quinn asked.
"I don't know if I can actually answer that," Daria sighed, "because something like this just doesn't happen overnight. I mean, yes, I did have a couple of boyfriends but it was, well, awkward. I did push them away, but I always thought it was because I didn't want to get too close to anyone. The thought that maybe it was because I wasn't as interested in boys as I thought I was never did come up until later. To be specific, about a year and a half later."
"I would have figured your experiences with Butt Head would have done the trick."
"If that was the case, you'd be waving the gay pride flag alongside me." Daria retorted.
"Touche' So, how did Mom and Dad take it?"
"As well as you may have expected of them. Mom gave me a long talk about the rights of lesbians in the workplace and in campus life. She even gave me the number of an associate of hers who specializes in discrimination lawsuits. I'd prefer Johnnie Cochran, but he has that problem of being dead. Dad, however, well he started hyperventilating and asking if it was because of him that I now prefer the arms of a woman. After that, he relaxed and just said he wanted me to be happy with who I was with."
"Wow, that's about as cliché a family moment as we will get out of them." Quinn whistled.
"A genuine Oxygen Movie moment."
"Why not Lifetime?"
"Because it's a happy moment."
"Right. By the way, the girl you were with…"
"I know, you'd never would have figured she's my type."
Quinn nodded "You two were such polar opposites. I mean, really…"
"Like I said, a year and a half can change things. I was surprised when she transferred to Raft. She didn't seem like the type to even be considered for that kind of environment, but then again she does have a habit of surprising people. She took the entrance exams and passed. I think maybe she suffered from some sort of ADHD, but I could be wrong."
"So...how did you two hook up?"
"Kinda by accident. We sometimes hung out for a bit, even though I did anything I could think of to try to avouid her. One day, I caught her reading "Midsummer's Night Dream". I was pretty certain she didn't really understand the subtlety of one of Shakespeare's timeless classics so I started grilling her about it. Turns out she's an addict to all sorts or plays."
"She did express interest in being an actress."
"I figured she meant B-Movie actress, but what do I know? So we spent some time discussing Shakespeare, August Wilson, Arthur Miller, any playwright you can think of. After that, her company didn't seem so bad anymore. Then one night, she came to my dorm room. She had a particularly bad fight with her boyfriend and she came to me of all people. I let her in and let her air out all of her grievances and all of a sudden, right in the middle of a particular rant, she just admitted that she wished more guys could have een like me."
"Wow. That's kind of a big secret to just drop out of nowhere."
"I think that was probably the first time in my life I felt my jaw drop." Daria admitted.
"So what happened after that?"
"She hugged me. I know, I don't let people hug me, it's part of my feminine mystique, but considering the mental state she was in and the fact I was drowsy, I elected to let her. What I didn't expect was to enjoy the hug. A lot. Nor did I expect to actually kiss her."
"What?"
"Precisely what Jane said. She still thinks I've been put under her bewitching spell."
"I think I may have to agree with her. What happened next?" Quinn inquired. Daria shook her head and waved a finger, as if Quinn had violated a rule. "Sorry kiddo, but those kind of details will have to wait for my letter to Penthouse."
"Fair enough. Besides, I've sen more than enough to paint a picture of what may have happened. I didn't think anyone could be so limber."
"I'm glad she is."
"Eww." Quinn frowned. "Ok, I think I've been here long enough. I'll go out and give you and the little lady your alone time. We can talk about this later at dinner, if the shock of this still hasn't gotten a vice grip on my brain."
"Very well. Try to take it easy on Terry's wallet however."
Smirking, Quinn gave Daria a light tap on her shoulder, got up and left the room. Daria sighed in relief. Her sister had taken the news a lot better than she had initially surmised.
"So…I take it everything worked out?"
The voice belonged to Daria's female companion that Quinn had spotted: Brittany Taylor, former cheerleader and actress to be, walked back into Daria's room, wearing nothing but a towel on her body, her long blone hair down across her shoulders. Sitting down next to her lover, Daria said to her "Yes, considering that in the old days, she probably would have screamed at the top of her lungs and whined that if anyone found out about it this would destroy any hopes she had at a normal life."
"I don't know, some might find it cool to have a smart lesbian sister. Ok, maybe not in the south."
"Yes, but you're different. People don't expect you to be the lesbian."
"Not unless you count those fantasies men have about being with two women."
"Upchuck again? His reaction was expected." Daria flat lined.
"My dad's face was priceless however." Brittany smiled. "It probably was one of the only times I've ever seen genuine shock take over him."
"I have a box for him to hide in if he needs it."
"Dad will manage. He had to deal with Brian's sentencing, he'll adjust to this just fine." Daria rested her head on Brittany's shoulder and said "Sometimes I wonder if you planned all of this."
"Nope, sorry babe, I'm not that good. I still have to see Jodie later and break the new to her."
"I'm amazed she still talks to you."
"It helps if you try not to get on their last nerve every once in a while."
"I have taught you well." Daria said. "So, do you want to go out for pizza?"
"Not quite yet," Brittany smiled as she turned to face Daria and lightly kissed her "we still have unfinished business."
Blushing, Daria nodded and said "There's just one thing I need to do."
"What?"
"Lock my damn door."
Author's Notes and Other Crap:
If, after reading this, you have not decided to kill me for pairing up Daria and Brittany, sent me a really insulting letter filled with homophobic comments or not elected to have me tarred and feathered, than congratulations you have survived.
I haven't really been motivated to do a Daria based story as, I find, it's really daunting to try to get Daria's dry sarcastic wit right, but somehow, all the gears in my head started turning and this was produced. Of course, one of the questions you may have been asking is "Why not Jane?". Answer: it's too obvious. So Brittany was chosen. The interaction between the two over the series is so funny especially given that Brittany, though she has said many a silly thing to Daria and others, has no genuine malice towards her and tries to get along with her, the direct polar opposite. I also know that she has been slightly changed for the sake of this story. Well, let me be honest; it's been ten years since "Is It College Yet?" and stuff happens. Mental stuff.
(Cut to me sitting at a computer desk, with Daria and Jane looking over my shoulder.)
Daria: So, have you finally gotten it out of your system?
Me: Yes, it is done. Happy?
Jane: I'd be happier if we go with my original idea.
Me: For the last time, "Jane Lane Just Snaps and Totally Wails On Everything" would have gotten negative feedback! MidnightCereal would have every right to kick my ass!
Jane: It's been 7 years, I'm sure he wouldn't have minded.
Me: It's the PRINCIPAL woman! Who do I look like, Nick Simmons?
Daria: I don't think we want to delve into the subject of creative fraud here, as it's bad enough we even mentioned Simmons 2 years after the fact. I just want to make sure you won't be doing something like this again with me anytime soon.
Me: Ok, ok, sure. Still it's a interesting paiting.
Daria: My foot in your ass is a better pairing.
Me: Calm down there, let's not invoke a Red Forman moment.
Jane: And now let's go out on a completely silly moment.
Daria: Our breaking the 4th wall should count for the silly moment.
Jane: True…but this one was even better. Besides, I had to call in some favors for this. You two ready? (Jane points to Brittany and Vinyl Scratch, both at a turntable.)
Daria: Is that a pony?
Brittany: OH YEAH!
V. Scratch: LET'S SPIN THIS SHIT!
("Existence VIP" plays in the background as Vinyl Scratch, Brittany and Jane bang their heads to the beat.)
Daria: These ponies will be the ruin of mankind if McDonalds doesn't finish the job.
Me: At least it's not Spongebob.