Bloodbath
By TheEvilMuffinToaster
Chapter One
"Da. That is why I propose we start a relationship."
France could only stare.
"Can't you hear me, France? I propose that we start a relationship. Doesn't that sound wonderful?"
France wondered where he went wrong in life.
He lived fancy, got to annoy everyone he wanted too, groped people as he pleased and had bedded more women then all the other countries combined. He was neighbors to the stuck-up L'Angleterre and had the pleasure of annoying the hell out of the Englishman. Where had he gone wrong? He recycled, he picked up his trash, he participated in Earth day every year (though several countries have banned Earth Day because of him, saying that running around naked was doing nothing to preserve the Earth) and he also organized yearly fundraisers!
So why in hell was Ivan Braginsky sitting in his living room, claiming that he wanted to start a relationship with the Frenchman?
Did that girl last night slip him a roofie and now he was hallucinating…
No. That was practically impossible. He had long ago become impervious to the affects of date rape drugs.
Just an hour ago, he had been sleeping the morning away; tucked safely into his king-sized bed. The satin sheets were ruffled while he tossed and turned in his dreams; mumbling incoherent French phrases into his fluffy pillows that littered his bed. Then the doorbell had rung and woke him from his slumber. His sleep-fogged brain wondered if the girl from last night had forgotten something or was coming back for a sixth round. Settling himself into his silk bathrobe, he dragged himself downstairs and to the front door. When he opened it, he definitely did not expect Russia to be standing there.
Definitely not.
No way in hell.
"Oui, I heard you…" France mumbled. What was this? He did not mumble! Especially in front of Russia… Alright, he might be afraid of Russia (only a tiny bit) and usually skirted around Russia's existence the best he could, so why was he mumbling! He was France! The country of love and wine, so why was he was mumbling now?
"So, da, what do you say?" Russia asked; smiling that creepy smile of his. Oh Mon dieu, why did Russia have to smile so creepily?
"Normally since I am the country where Love is found, I would never back down from a challenge such as this!" France said haughtily. "But if I may ask Monsieur Russie, what brought this er, desire on?" Nope, he did not just hesitate. He was France. He so did not hesitate.
Russia looked thoughtful for a minute before speaking again. "Ah! Don't you remember da? Comrade-France remembers the Bloodbath during Christmas back in 2007, da? You made a move on me, remember da?"
France froze.
Oh shit.
Oh shit shit shit shit shit. Shit.
He knew that could come back to haunt him one day.
He knew it.
France had been dared to grope Russia by someone who will remain anonymous. He had been asked to rape-slash-undress-slash-blackmail-grope several nations that day. His victims were Lithuania, England, America, Finland, Prussia, Greece, Turkey, Switzerland, Hungary, Austria, Germany, the Italies, Japan, Spain, and… Russia. Russia had been fine with it and said 'I'm not bothered…but I've never felt that way…?' The way the Slavic country said it just made France knew deep down that that incident would in fact come back to haunt him.
Like a foreboding shadow that cloaked his person day and night, he knew deep down in his heart that him groping Russia would come back to haunt him. Russia was a person not to be messed with; the Cold War and World War II proved that both. Russia struck fear in the hearts of countries everywhere and was feared among small children. Russia was well, Russian. Russians were known to be violent and practically bloodthirsty.
Mon dieu, why did god hate him so, so much?
"In all truth…" Russia mumbled, his cheeks tinged with pink. "I didn't expect to ever tell you this, but da, when you touched me…I enjoyed it very much."
If France wasn't France, he would have broken down right there. Did Russia just tell him that he liked being groped by him? Well damn, there was a first for everything…
"…What?"
"Well da, there aren't many people who like me and when you touched me I felt very happy inside!"
So my lovemaking skills can even reach the coldest of nations…
If this wasn't so serious, he would have called Prussia up right there and then and bragged that his lovemaking skills were amazing.
"So what took you so long to get back to moi?
"Well da, that's my problem… I didn't know how to go about it, da? And my boss is being a bit of a jerk lately, so I haven't had the time, but da! I do now!"
There was no way in hell that Francis would ever admit to being afraid of Russia; no way in hell.
"Teehee…"Russia appeared right next to France then. "Does France want to become one with Russia da?"
France did what he did best next.
He ran for it.
"No you bloody frog! You aren't coming inside!"
"But L'Angleterre I'll be raped by that brute Russia!"
England stopped trying to slam the door in the door in his face for a minute; outright confusion flat on his face.
"What the hell did you do to piss him off?"
"Well L'Angleterre, do you remember the bloodbath of '07?"
"The one where you stripped all the nations and pratically raped everyone?"
"It was not rape L'Angleterre! I was showing them my love! But yes, that was it. And do you remember that before I got shot in the head by Switzerland ("Pity you lived…") that I groped Russia?"
England blinked. His brain seemed to go into overdrive at the Frenchman's room. And automatically a dusty light bulb went off in the Briton's brain and he discovered what France has gotten himself into this time around.
And with that, he attempted to slam the door as fast as he could.
"Go away from you bloody frog! You got yourself into this mess! Don't drag me into it!"
England pushed his chest away and France fell backwards; the door slamming heavily in his face as he attempted to regain his balance.
Goddamnit.
France sighed. There was only way to deal with this.
And that was to ignore Russia all he could until the end of very existence. And that France had a feeling that that would be better said then done…
Exactly.
God, I don't even know what possessed me to write this. I'm in a writing slump lately and I think it's because of the weather. I've just lost interest in writing…
Any who, for those hardcore Hetalia fan, I assume you've all seen the Christmas bloodbath where France was running around naked? And when France groped Russia, we all know they both secretly liked it. And that's what inspired this.