I am Aphrodite, goddess of love, fertility, beauty, and desire. I am going to explain to you why I am the most powerful and amazing goddess ever known, and why if you don't fall to your knees at the mere sight of me, you will regret it. My birth was an early sign indicating that I would be the most important deity to exist. My rather… interesting history also tells a lot about me, for example, I am not one to be crossed. All in all, be grateful for the chance I am giving you to learn about the most fascinating being ever to be named.
As I stated earlier, my "birth" was an incredibly amazing affair. Legend has it that when Cronus brought about the fall of his father, Uranus, in the middle of the night, he mutilated his genitals. He then threw the severed organs into the sea. As they hit, a great foam gathered, from which I emerged, as the glamorous goddess you see before you. This awesome spectacle should inform you of what a powerful and majestic goddess I am. I have aged gracefully; look at Zeus or Poseidon, who are graying with age: I am older than both. I preceded all who reside with me on Mt. Olympus. Many mortal women are preoccupied with their terror for aging: I have no such fear. I am forever young and beautiful, as any would know, thanks to my many affairs. These unions have brought about many children, so many; in fact, they cannot all be named here. So, I will tell you just a few: with Anchises, Aeneas and Lyrus, with Ares, Anteros, Deimos, Phobos, Harmonia, and Eros, who is known to the Romans as "Cupid". With Dionysus, Priapus and Bachus, with Poseidon, Eryx, Rhodos, and Herophilus, and finally, with Hermes, Hermaphrodites. Those thirteen are just a few of the many, but hopefully it gives you an idea of the soap opera that is my life.
You may be beginning to believe that I am simply a peaceful goddess, a kindred spirit. But my power doesn't lay merely in my own affairs. I often entertain myself and my friends by meddling in the lives of the otherwise boring mortals. For example, I once started a war. The story goes like this:
"One beautiful day (only because I was there!), I was just minding my own business, when all of a sudden, BOOM! Eris threw down a golden apple, which said, "For the fairest". Of course, I stepped up to claim my prize, tokens like this are just one of the many upsides to being the goddess of beauty, and, after all, who else could this apple be for? But those idiots, Athena and Hera, somehow got the idea that was left for them. Honestly, Athena is always making fun of me for being so shallow, although I don't know where she gets the idea from; the depths of my beauty know no bounds. But anyway, as they refused to back down, and we all know I'm right, Zeus decided we needed a judge. Zeus picked Paris, the son of the king of Troy, to decide. As my dearest Paris isn't the smartest one out there, he couldn't choose. Athena and Hera, the idiots, bribed him with simple, boring gifts, of no real importance: wisdom and victory in battle, and power and dominion over all Asia, respectively. All though I already knew who he would choose, I decided to toss out my own reward, something of much more value: the hand of the most beautiful mortal woman in the world. Of course, he had brains enough for that, and he chose me, as if there were ever any doubt. I then helped him to kidnap Helen, who was already married to some old king, Menelaus of Sparta. Using just a tad of my amazing powers, I made Helen fall in love with Paris. However, they chose to elope, and that caused the Trojan War. The end."
Not all of my affairs end happily, however. When Anchises disobeyed me, and bragged about our union, (by the way, Zeus forced me into it) Zeus struck him with a thunderbolt, proving he was good for something. Sadly, it hit neither his head nor heart, only his leg, leaving him lame forevermore. Normally, I would have killed him myself; I thought this a better punishment.
In short, you ought to now understand that I am the most fascinating and amazing goddess in all the universe. I have had many adventures and affairs, many children and unions. I am the most incredibly gorgeous creature ever and all adore me. I am the eldest of the deities on Mt. Olympus. I am a genius, writing, directing, producing, and starring in many films and soaps alike. I am Aphrodite.
And you'd better remember that.