Hawaii Five-O and Hogan's Heroes belong to CBS and others. This story is written for personal enjoyment and no copyright infringement is intended. It's also a way of dealing with an overabundance of zucchini!
THE ZUCCHINI FILES
Zucchini Obsession
Steve pulled his hand from the upset woman's purse as if he had been bitten. He displayed three — count 'em, three — suspicious packets.
"Danno," he showed them to his second, "Any idea what these are?"
Danny carefully opened one of the packets and studied the contents. "Seeds."
"Yeah, but what kind? And how did she get them through the agricultural inspection? Better take them to Che. We've got enough on our hands with those mysterious thefts at the Island Fruit Company."
Danny stifled a chuckle. "Crates of fresh pineapples replaced by zucchinis! I can just see those Mainland stores expecting Hawaii's finest and finding something that can take over an entire garden. My Aunt Clara planted some once and we wound up eating them for the whole time I was there. Baked zucchini, ratatouille, steamed zucchini, zucchini pizza, zucchini muffins . . ." The look on McGarrett's face told the young officer he'd better get those mysterious seeds to the lab ASAP.
"Mm mm . . . Those zucchini muffins sound good, Boss. Don't know about that other stuff, though. What's rata . . . rata . . . whatever da Kaikaina called it?" Kono looked hungry as he considered the possibility of fresh goodies. Maybe they could invite Aunt Clara for a visit?
Steve's glower told the big Hawaiian he'd better find something productive to fill his time. He turned to the woman he'd been questioning. "Now, what about those seeds?"
o-o-o-o-o
"Che," Danny questioned as he opened the lab door. "What can you tell me about these?" He handed the seeds to the forensics expert.
"Let's have a look," Che responded, placing the seeds under a low-power microscope. "They look like squash seeds of some type." He pointed to a bookshelf. "Hand me that volume over there."
The scientist checked a page or two, then motioned Danny over to the lab table. "They're zucchini seeds, Dan. Take a look."
"Thanks, Che. This is a big help."
"Steve thinking about gardening?"
Danny grinned. "No, about solving that case out at Island Fruit. But why anyone would want to switch zucchini for pineapples is beyond me!"
o-o-o-o-o
"Steve, can I interrupt for a minute?"
"What is it, Chin?" McGarrett joined the Chinese detective at the office door.
Kelly handed the Boss a small zucchini. "Island Fruit found these growing in their fields. Lots of them. They're starting to crowd out the pineapples. They weren't there a few days ago."
"Agricultural sabotage?"
"Maybe, Steve. But why?"
A new voice broke into the conversation. "Che says the seeds are zucchini. He thinks they're an extremely fast-growing variety that would thrive here."
"Zucchini muffins instead of malasadas, Danno?" McGarrett muttered.
"Why not?" a female voice interrupted. "Zucchini are nutritious, versatile, fast-growing, delicious . . ."
A glower from the McGarrett stopped the listing. "People want Hawaiian pineapples, not zucchini!"
The woman stood and faced the lead detective. "I represent the United Federation of Zucchini Lovers. We won't stop until we make zucchini the national vegetable!"
"I don't care if you represent the United Federation of Planets! Book her, Danno!"
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Attack of the Killer Zucchini
Danny Williams felt sick, dizzy. His head hurt and he was still picking pieces of zucchini out of his curly hair. Kono's laughter wasn't helping matters, either. "How did I ever get into this mess?" the young detective wondered.
And a mess it certainly was: smashed green squash littered the floor of the small beach house; boxes of the stuff were lined up against the walls; large-leafed bushes ready to be planted filled the kitchen; piles of zucchini recipes were stuffed into envelopes to be randomly placed in mailboxes around the island. And Five-O was expected to clean it up?!
What looked like a simple case had turned into a major project as the United Federation of Zucchini Lovers had increased their attacks on Hawaii's pineapple industry. Zucchini fritters and muffins had mysteriously replaced pineapple delicacies in local bakeries and restaurants – even Louis LeBeau had found some of the sacrilegious items in his restaurant kitchen! "More than even Schultzie could eat!" the master chef commented.
The attacks had escalated so rapidly that Governor Jameson had insisted – make that ordered –Five-O to "do something to stop this unwarranted invasion!" And that led to a fateful meeting in Steve's office early one morning . . .
"Gentlemen," the frazzled lead detective began, then stopped short when he noticed the always hungry Kono munching on a muffin . . . a zucchini muffin!
"My auntie found a pile of the things on da lanai," the big Hawaiian explained. "She didn't want dem to go to waste, so she tried a new recipe. Zucchini-mango muffins. Brought some extras. Ya want one?"
"No, I most certainly do NOT want one!" McGarrett replied forcefully. Dan's barely-stifled chuckle caught his attention. "And neither do you!" he barked at his young friend. "Jameson wants this . . . this zucchini terrorist organization stopped before these rocks we call home become the laughingstock of the Pacific. So," he glared at the team, "have we got anything new?"
"Yeah, Steve," Chin responded. "My son Tim and some of his buddies were surfing on the North Shore yesterday when they noticed a couple of old pick-ups loaded with wooden shipping crates parked by an old beach house. They wanted to check them out, but they saw two or three rough-looking guys hanging around the shack. Might be more of the gang."
"Good, Chin. Thank them for me. This might be the break we need." He turned to the other two detectives. "Danno, Kono, how about a little undercover operation? Maybe a couple of surfers catching a few waves? And if you happen to be anywhere near that shack . . ." McGarrett left the rest of the sentence unfinished as he caught the grins on the two faces. "Surveillance only. We'll stay out of sight and be ready to move in if you find anything."
"Lot of folks will be happy when you catch them. Kono's auntie's not the only one who found zucchini on the lanai," the Chinese detective laughed. "We did, too!"
"And be careful!" the boss finished.
o-o-o-o-o
"How 'bout dat, Kaikaina?" Kono chuckled as he and Dan loaded their boards into the back of an old pickup – one specially equipped with a police radio. "We get to go surfin' and call it work!"
"Yeah," Williams smiled. "But we'd better check out that beach house for evidence after we catch a couple of waves. Maybe pretend to have trouble with the truck and ask to use the phone. That should get us in the door. They won't suspect a pair of surf bums!"
A couple of hours and a half dozen waves later, the two detectives trudged up a rocky path toward the old shack. They'd alerted Steve to their plans and were assured of back-up. Just as Tim Kelly had reported, a battered pick-up was parked in front of the ramshackle building. Dan carefully peeked in one of the crates. Zucchini! Maybe dozens, hundreds of the things, judging by the number of crates. He motioned to Kono. "Time to put a stop to this!" Neither officer noticed the rough-looking man watching them through an opening in the tattered curtains.
Danny knocked and stepped back as a voice snarled, "What you guys want? Whatever you're selling, we ain't buying!"
"We're not selling anything!" Danny responded. "We got car trouble. We just wanna use the phone to call a buddy to come get us."
The door opened slightly and Danny nudged his way in, only to be greeted with a sickening thud as a large zucchini smashed into the back of his head, dropping him to the floor. Too dizzy to stand, he barely made it to his knees when he was hit with another one of the vegetables and landed back on the floor, knocking over an open crate and finding himself partly buried under a mound of the hated squash. He heard Kono yell as the big cop swung at his attacker, immobilizing the man with a powerful roundhouse punch. The next voice he heard was Steve's welcome "Five-O! Freeze!" as he instructed a few HPD cops to wrap things up.
A laughing Duke Lukela helped Danny to his feet as the battered young officer unsuccessfully attempted to brush the remnants of the splattered zucchini from his sandy curls. He turned as Steve commented, "Good work, Danno! You and Kono may have single-handedly wrapped this one up." McGarrett studied his rueful second. "You OK? You really dove into this one!"
Danny nodded. "I'm OK. It's nothing a shower and a change of clothes can't cure. But I've seen enough zucchini to last the rest of my life!"
"Too bad, Bruddah," Chin smiled. "My wife is making zucchini lasagna for dinner tonight. Thought I'd invite everyone over. She's made enough to feed a small army!"
The team laughed as their youngest detective turned a slight shade of green. "No thanks, Chin. I've had more than enough zucchini surprises!"
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Revenge of the Leftover Zucchini
"If I never see another zucchini again, it'll be too soon!" Danny groaned as he finished his report on what the team had laughingly dubbed "Operation Italian Squash." None of them wanted to mention the name of the hated vegetable again. In fact, none of them even wanted to hear the word "zucchini" again, not even Kono, who claimed he'd eaten all the muffins using whatever combination of the stuff and fruit his beloved Auntie could invent. So, when the Governor asked Five-O to come up with a way to use the leftover green monsters, none of them could muster any enthusiasm for the assignment.
"Maybe the animals at the zoo would eat them?" Chin questioned.
"Lions and tigers are carnivores," McGarrett reminded him. "The chimpanzees might like them. They're vegetarians."
"The zookeepers tried that," Williams laughed. "The chimps just threw the things at the visitors. Made a real mess, too."
"Dump them out to sea?" Kono suggested. "Way out to sea."
"Might contaminate the reefs."
Kono tried again. "Ship them to the Mainland."
"Stuff grows like weeds over there, Bruddah," Danny replied with a shake of his head. "They probably got more than they can handle already."
The discussion – and the accompanying laughter – caught Jenny Sherman's attention. The long-suffering secretary, as tired of zucchini bread and muffins as the rest of the team, had a suggestion.
"What about a recipe contest? A Zucchini Festival? Offer some nice prizes." she offered. After all, it is something to eat, just not so much of it. Maybe LeBeau could help with it."
A quick phone call and the little French chef was on board. He'd even offer a gourmet dinner at his five-star restaurant as a prize. "The recipes could be printed up in a nice cookbook: appetizers, entrees, legumes, desserts, cookies . . ." His enthusiasm was contagious. At last, a creative way to use up the ubiquitous vegetable.
"So, Bruddah," McGarrett asked, "Who's gonna judge this contest?"
"I know just the right person," LeBeau's eyes twinkled. "Schultz! He and his family are coming for a vacation in a couple of weeks. He'll eat anything – and lots of it!"
Especially if it's covered with chocolate!" Kono laughed. He'd heard plenty of stories about the former Sergeant's gargantuan appetite.
o-o-o-o-o
Schultz was in heaven – or as near to heaven as a confirmed food lover could get this side of paradise. Several days of sampling later (One should never judge a dish on only one taste!) and he finally came up with a winner, actually several winners. "I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings," he said apologetically as he finished the last slice of a zucchini fruitcake. He turned to LeBeau, adding as he rubbed his over-sized stomach, "Everything was so good. Now, what's for dinner?"
Note: The state of Hawaii has strict practices against bringing in agricultural materials without proper inspection and licensing. Hopefully, this would prevent the zucchini invasion described in this story!