Mass Effect : Irony V2

by harby

Anderson came out exalted on the radio : "Admiral ! The Reapers stopped firing ! Have we won ? What did Shepard do ?" - and then Hackett knew something had gone horribly wrong as he heard Anderson go through bewilderment, then pure terror, screaming into the transmitter : "WHAT ? Now they speak in a woman's voice !... And they make jokes !" (Story reworked for V2)

1. Part I : The War

MASS EFFECT : IRONY V2

"what could possibly go wrong ?"

This is Version 2. Story flow has been reworked, fluff has been cut, and chapters reorganized.

Foreword

The challenge was to rewrite Mass Effect 3's ending while splicing into its plot at the last possible moment : when you pull the trigger on the "Destroy Reapers" machine.

No Deus Ex Machina ;) No retcons ! It should be canon (I hope. I'm open to corrections).

Chapters 1-2 of this story really happened in the game ! Yes, I swear. You just missed them.

Of course, there is a choice to make ! You can re-live the horror of the official endings ! I re-interpreted them for more clarity, and that little extra "I need to go hide under a rock until I die" feeling that ME3 fans know so well. Harbinger will even make a BIG REVELATION as to why they suck so much, and why Indoctrination Theory is bullshit.

Should you make the Right Choice (or just keep reading after Everyone Dies at the end of Chapter 2), the rest of the story reveals the Real True Epic Ending, including blue babies. There is even a plot ! (sort of).

What really happened at the end of ME3 ? Was it just a misunderstanding ? Will you still want to kill yourself after reading the One True Epic Ending ?

Rated M for Mindfuck, and Ultra-violence (Chapter 2 only)

.

PS : All dialogues are written screenplay-style (as much as the layout here allows).
Example :

Zaeed (yelling)
"Come Get Some !"

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PART I : The War

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Citadel control room, Earth orbit.
One hour before end of Reaper war.

Shepard barely has the strength to stand up. Pieces of her armor are missing, and what is left is barely recognizable. Her skin is covered in fresh blood, cuts and bruises. The left side of her face is slightly burnt. The pool of blood at her feet is slowly expanding.

Star Child
"Did you understand what I said ?"

Shepard
"So. Reapers are AIs that exterminate us, so we don't end up creating AIs that would exterminate us. Right ?"

Star Child
(does not process sarcasm)
"You are oversimplifying ! We are your salvation through destruction !"

Shepard
"Riiiight. Fuck you very much. That will teach you."

Shepard limps in the direction of the big red Reaper-destroying machine in the right corner.

One last step. She knows it will be her last step. She slowly raises her pistol. Just one last shot.

She pauses to cough up some blood, motions to wipe it off her lips with the back of her hand, then realizes two of her fingers are missing. She thinks about the irony of it all.

Years of fighting, going through hell, an unimaginable number of dead, all because instead of creating artificial intelligence, the Leviathans created artificial idiocy. Shepard curses all programmers.

God must have a really twisted sense of humour. What an ass.

She thinks about Liara. Probably never going to see her again. That time when Shepard suggested to just run away, hide somewhere in the galaxy, together. She almost regrets not doing it. Actually, right now she just wishes she'd done it, and fuck everything else.

Shepard
"Liara. Sorry. I love you."

She pulls the trigger.

Suddenly, the whole room is engulfed in a flash of white light, as a shockwave tears through the air. All the machines around go silent. Shepard only hears her own heart. A faint ozone smell over the taste of her own blood. Slowly, her eye adjusts back and she sees.

God
"Hello, Shepard."

The voice seems to emanate from a sphere standing in front of Shepard. It is vaguely translucent as if made of water, glowing with an eerie light, and floats at about eye level. It speaks with the slow, droning, bass voice of an Elcor.

The thing seems to be looking at Shepard.

Shepard stares at it, in disbelief. It is standing in front of the reaper-destroying machine, blocking the shot. After all we've been through, now, this, what the hell. She fires her entire clip at the damn thing. Nothing happens.

She groans in pain. Until now, the only thing holding Shepard together was a mix of adrenaline, rage, and her love for Liara. The adrenaline wears out. Her legs give up at last, as she crumples down on her knees.

God
"Shepard. I need you to do something for me."

Shepard
(in pain)
"What… Who… are you…"

Shepard is slowly bleeding to death. The thing seems to wink at her, although it has no eyes. Shepard loses consciousness for an instant, then opens her eyes.

She wonders what is happening to her. After two heart beats, she realizes the pain is gone. She looks at her hand. Her armored gauntlet's index and thumb are still gone, but her fingers are back. She pokes through the holes in her armour, finds smooth skin instead of blood soaked meat.

She raises to her feet, looks outside, into space. The battle is still raging, but something is off. She notices a Reaper firing its beam on an Alliance ship. The beam itself hangs, frozen, about to hit the ship. Nothing is moving.

Shepard ejects the spent clip and fumbles for a new one to reload her pistol. Unfortunately, she's out.

God
"We have time."

Shepard
"Damn, Who are you ?"

God
"Shepard, I am God.
In case you wonder, with you resurrecting, I am not your father.
I need you to do something for me."

Long, awkward silence follows. Shepard looks at the floating figure.

She searches again for a new clip to reload her pistol. Unfortunately, she's still out.

The slow droning voice of God, and the sheer scale of the mind-blowing bullshit grind on Shepard's nerves.

---

Note : You now have a choice.

Paragon interrupt : Yell "Just get this over with", and go to chapter "Unforeseen Consequences"

Renegade interrupt : Yell "Fuck you", headbutt the thing in the ball, and also go to chapter "Unforeseen Consequences"

No interrupt : keep reading.

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God
"Shepard, eternity gets boring and lonely. I've been alone since the beginning. Soon, I may lose the will to exist."

Shepard
(Jaw drops a little more. Blinks.)
"Gimme a break."

God
"If I lose the will to exist, and ... die ... there will be a new Big Bang."

Shepard
"Holy shit. So, now, you want me to save the Universe ?"

God
"Yes, Shepard. As you'd say, no pressure."

Shepard
"What's your fucking problem."

God
"Shepard, I don't ... feel... anything. I simply exist. There is no point."

Shepard
"You said you needed me to do something for you."

God
"Yes, Shepard. You and I will merge into a single entity. I will be you, but you will also be me."

Shepard
"So, you're suggesting that I become God, because God is having a nervous breakdown."

God
"You could also say that God wants to become Shepard."

Shepard
"Why me ? Why does this stuff always happens to me ?"

God
"Shepard, think about everything you did. A few minutes ago, you were about to decide the fate of the galaxy, which makes you closer to me that you may think. It would not work with anyone else. It can only be you, Shepard."

Shepard
"Why now ? You could have done this a few days ago, before the Reapers murdered half the galaxy. Or before they even existed."

God
"This moment, right here, is special. It is the Ending. It has to be you, here, and now."

Shepard is out of questions.

Part of her still thinks she's hallucinating, or trapped inside some perverse Reaper mind control trick. Or she could simply be dead. Or it could all be true.

After all the crazy shit she's seen, why not.

.

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Author's note : If you did not interrupt, it is too late now.

And, if you really believe it was God speaking... well. Come on.