This idea has been stuck in my head for the past couple of weeks and I just had to get it out. :) It's based off of the song "My Fault" by Imagine Dragons, and I felt that it perfectly fit Beck&Jade from TWC to TFBJ. Some places I used word for word lyrics, but some of them are pretty repetitive, so not all of the lyrics are included. But anyway, let me know what you think! I would recommend listening to the song while reading, if you want. :) And to those following/reading "Fix You": I haven't forgotten about it, I promise! I have the next couple chapters written out, but I keep rewriting them. They'll be up soon :D
I'm not happy with our relationship!
Those words that you said were the start of it all. I've made you unhappy, and you announce it to the world. I thought that things would get better between us, not worse. What happened to us? We tore each other apart: the fighting, the screaming, the tears. And after all was said and done, we would go on as if nothing had happened. You wouldn't hold me tight, or apologize for yelling; I wouldn't melt under your touch, telling you how sorry I was for letting my insecurities get the best of me. None of that happened.
Now it never will.
That night at Vega's was the night that my world fell apart. The tension between us was insurmountable and I knew that the end was near. I tried to remain silent, to not let my true feelings be exposed: the fear, the heartache, the remorse. I was swimming in my thoughts, trying to understand what could have possibly went wrong between us, what could have made us fall out of love. You thought I was angry- upset by you telling the world how unhappy you were with our relationship. You were wrong: I was never angry. I was hurt. You knew that I was hurting; I could see it when you would look at me, yet you went on as if nothing was wrong.
But everything was.
Although you swore you would never leave me, I knew that it would only be a matter of time. Seeing you sitting next to her, making conversation with her, made me realize how right I was all along. You constantly built me up, assuring me that I was the only one for you, that you loved me and would always be there for me, but within an instant you tore me down.
The closer that I got to ten, the more panicked I became. Although it was evident that you broke your promise- that you would never hurt me- I still clung to that small shred of hope that you would open the door. You would open the door and wrap me in your warm embrace, wiping away the tears that you had caused. But you didn't. I've made you so unhappy, and you left without an ounce of fight; you'd rather let our fragmented relationship remain broken than pick up the pieces.
Ten.
The word barely left my lips, but I knew that you could hear. I knew that you were right on the other side of that door, yet you left me outside. Were you that unhappy? I could see the handle twist; I could hear your hand working the door from the other side. I reached for it, wanting to whip it open and melt in your arms. But then you stopped; you gave up the fight. I knew that you had had enough and were done with our relationship.
My heart shattered.
The one person that had proven that I was worth loving made me feel that I was worth nothing. The person that had taught me how to love had now taken that away. You always wondered why I was so guarded- why I would put up a wall. You wondered why, yet you're now the reason. Ironic, isn't it?
That Saturday night I walked aimlessly around town, letting my mind wander. The fog was thick, distorting the view; I had no idea where I was going. My mind was invaded by a thick fog of its own- I was in a haze. I had no idea where I would go from here, or what would happen to me.
To us.
I tried to make my mind seem clear, to shake the haze that had settled over my thoughts. But it was no use. Even though you were clearly over me, I could not get over you. I was trying to come to terms with the new reality: we were broken up. There was no more Beck&Jade, and there never would be. We weren't one anymore, we were apart. We were now simply Beck and Jade. It's a strange concept really, something that I could not comprehend.
I ran my shaking hands through my hair, trying to collect myself. If only you could have seen what you had done to me, how broken the infamous Jade West was. How broken she is. Hot tears came streaming down my face, tears that you had caused. You promised that you would never hurt me- that you hated to see me cry, yet there I was. I couldn't let you see me like that- couldn't let you see me weak. I knew that you had already moved on from me, so why could I not move on from you?
My fears were coming true: you had finally had enough of me. I made you miserable, unhappy. I pushed you away with my brusque nature, yet I pushed you into her arms. I knew deep down that this would happen- that I wouldn't be good enough for you anymore.
I'm not her.
The way that you would smile at her when she would speak to you: the same smile that I hadn't seen in weeks. In months. You promised me that it was nothing, that there would never be anything between you, but I saw right through it. I knew it would happen, and it was only just a matter of time before you grew tired of me.
My worst fears, all coming true.
Is it my fault we've been missing each other? Or that I'm missing you? I'm miserable without you, without my other half. I know that it's now been months, but the pain is still fresh. You were my first and only love, and you can never be replaced- you never will be replaced. I know that I should be moving on with my life. You clearly had no problem with it, so why is this so difficult for me? Maybe it's because I still love you. I still love you, but you clearly don't love me. You love her.
Why was I not good enough?
I walked down to the water's edge, wondering how I had gotten here. Why am I here instead of home? What happened between us that caused me to end up alone without you by my side? You were my home- my safe haven. You were there to protect me from others, as well as myself: from my own insecurities. Insecurities that led me to where I am today. How could I have let our relationship become so toxic? How could I have become so toxic?
Now I stand alone.
If things were different, you'd be here beside me. You'd stand next to me with my hand fit perfectly in yours, your arm wrapped around my frame, holding me tight. You would whisper sweet nothings into my ear and brush your lips against mine. But now I'm alone. It's different now and will never be the same.
I'm trying to hold onto the memories because they're all that I have left. It's the only thing that I can hold onto, reliving them to help fill the void that you've left in my heart. I pray that one day we can make more, but I know that it will never happen. You've left me once, who's to say that it wouldn't happen again? You would tell me how much you've missed me and how you never stopped loving me, mending my broken heart. And then you would leave. You would leave me, and rip the wound right open.
Is it my fault we've been missing each other? My insecurities got the best of me, pushing you away. But could you blame me? You were the only light in my life and now that you're gone, I'm enveloped in darkness. I knew that I would lose you- I saw it coming- but I couldn't let that happen. But that doesn't matter anymore, because you're gone.
Although time goes on, and you go on with it, I've come to a halt. Everything seems as if it's moving in slow motion and the seconds seem like hours. I'm trying to forget- forget what we had: all of the "I love yous" and the "I hate yous." Although the memories help me to heal, the mere thought of you or mention of your name tears me apart once again. I'm trying to forget, but it's an impossible feat.
I need you.
Even though you don't need me, I still need you. It's almost twisted if you think about it: you continued to hurt me, yet I still want to run back into your arms. I would do anything just to have you hold me once more- I'd take it all back. Although you broke me, I need you now more than ever. If you only had the slightest idea of what I've been through: all the heartache, the tears, the sleepless nights, you would know how much I need you now. You would know how much I still love you.
I love you, Beck.
I wish I would have told you that more. I wish that I would have been softer, more considerate of your feelings. I should never have yelled at you the way that I did, and I should never have taken you for granted. You were so patient with me- so gentle. I always knew that I didn't deserve you, but you would always assure me that it was the other way around.
I feel as if I can't go another day without you, and I cling to the hope that you feel the same way. I thought that you had started to, until I saw you with her. I saw the way that she jumped into your arms when she was chosen to perform at the music awards and the way that you defended her when I was offered to sing in her place. I thought that it would end there, but I was wrong.
After tonight, I've realized that my fears are quickly unraveling into a reality. You always promised that she was just a friend, but I knew there was always something more. You sat close, allowing your body to lean into hers, wrapping an arm around her petite frame. Your lips parting just enough while leaning into her. It was clear that she felt uncomfortable with the situation, but you were not. I'm still devastated by our breakup, trying to find a way to move on. You, however, seem to have no problem with it- you were going to kiss her. You were going to kiss Tori.
I still love you, but you no longer love me; your mind is made up and there is nothing that I can do about it.
My fears are coming true, unraveling right before my eyes, giving me all the confirmation that I've ever needed.
It was my fault.