'Ello there, maties. I see you've found my trusty how-to guide–or rather, how-not-to guide.
In this here guide, I, Captain Jack Sparrow, and my trusty comrade, Captain Catherine Cole of the Deceiver, can guarantee that you'll find all about how to be a pirate. Or rather, how not to be a pirate.
Catherine and I, Captain Jack Sparrow, will take turns narrating each example. This is, quite obviously, just the introduction and therefore will not tell you anything of the sort.
Oh, I was going to just leave it at that but Catherine wants for me to continue. She says, and I quote, "If you would like for the very sexy, and exceedingly cunning Captain Jack Sparrow to act out a rather humorous and likely embarrassing how-not-to then you should leave it in the comments."
Ouch! Alright, so I was paraphrasing a bit, that's no reason to hit me Catherine. Oh, now she's rolling her eyes. Oh, there goes the rum... I hope she realises she now owes me a new barrel. Oh yes, her message also includes herself, the less sexy and less cunning pirate captain.
Ouch! Okay, I might've deserved that one.
Anyhow, Catherine will be narrating the first how-not-to and I'll be acting it out. Oh the fun to be had.