Archer took off with the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. I just was thinking. There had to be some other secret missions that Archer did for the CIA that didn't end well. Here's one of them.
Sterling and Mallory's Night Out
"I thought we weren't going to do these kinds of missions anymore?" Archer asked his mother. They were at the docks and both were wearing all black turtlenecks, pants and shoes.
"Technically we're not," Mallory told her son. In addition to her black clothes she was wearing her signature pearls, a black purse and scowl. "This is just a little something extra for the CIA. And you are not to tell anyone else about this. Especially Lana!"
"Yeah I know," Archer waved. "The last thing I need is another lecture on how the CIA is using us. And how they can't be trusted. And that selling cocaine is wrong and blah, blah…"
"We're not selling cocaine," Mallory told him. "We're just picking up a shipment of cocaine to give to some buyers. That's all."
"So who exactly is this shipment for again?" Archer asked as he paused to take a drink from his flask.
"Ugh. I told you this three times!" Mallory bristled. "We're giving the cocaine to some Cuban exiles who are going to use the sales money to fund their anti-communism group in hopes to someday take back their country from the current regime. I knew you couldn't be trusted to do this alone!"
"And that's why you have to micromanage everything as usual…" Archer grumbled. "So much for trust."
"I do trust you Sterling. Well slightly more than the gang of idiots that work for me," Mallory waved. "But I also know that you tend to waver when you have a task to do. Especially since you screwed up our whole operation last year!"
"Again, not all my fault!" Archer snapped.
"No, but you contributed quite a bit to it didn't you?" Mallory snapped. "That is why I am personally supervising this mission! To make sure nothing goes wrong! And that Hawley won't have anything to bitch about."
"Look don't tell Lana I said this," Archer frowned. "And if you ever do I will deny it on a stack of bibles as well as the Bartender's Guide and my black book."
"Here comes the but…" Mallory rolled her eyes. "From the world's biggest ass."
"Even you have to admit Lana has a point," Archer said to her. "These missions we go on are kind of sketchy even for us. And I don't trust Slater and those CIA dicks as far as I can throw them."
"Of course you can't trust them Sterling! This the CIA!" Mallory groaned. "But we're not being paid to trust them. We're being paid to do a job. And this time it's just you and me that are being paid to do a job."
"There it is," Archer groaned.
"Hey fifty grand split between the two of us for a few hours work is worth it!" Mallory snapped. "Not to mention we don't have to share it with those leeches back at the office."
"And the real reason why you didn't want Lana or the others in on this," Archer rolled his eyes. "I should have known."
"We need the money Sterling! Our agency is barely treading water as it is!" Mallory told him. "So the last thing I need is dissent around the workplace. Fortunately no one listens to Lana because she nags so much. But when the others start to worry…"
"Fine! Fine! I'll back you up to the others when they start complaining," Archer snorted. "Which they will…"
"Remember, if anyone asks where you were tonight you say that you were helping me set my VCR," Mallory reminded him.
"I know the protocol Mother," Archer snorted. "It's funny how often they buy it. Especially Lana."
"What did she say when you told her where you'd be tonight?" Mallory asked out of curiosity.
"Same as usual," Archer waved. "You're a Mama's boy. Kow-towing to your mother. Cut the cord. Excuse to get drunk at a bar instead of spending time with your daughter. Blah, blah, blah…Although I have to admit she may have a point. The mother part I mean. Not the drinking."
"Oh shut up!" Mallory growled. "Think of this as mother and son quality time."
"You know some mothers and sons when they want spend quality time they just go out to dinner or brunch," Archer remarked as he started the engine. "Or see a movie or go shopping. My mother takes me on highly illegal covert operations!"
"Oh shut up and drive this thing!" Mallory snapped. "We're already late!"
"First of all you don't drive a boat! You pilot it!" Archer snapped. "And second of all shut up! I know what I'm doing!"
"Do you?" Mallory raised an eyebrow.
"Yes Mother! I am a highly trained secret agent!" Archer snapped. "With a highly dangerous set of skills and attention to the smallest detail! Damn it! Why won't this thing go?"
"Because you're still tied to the dock!" Mallory pointed. "You forgot to cast off!"
"Well why didn't you do it instead of just standing there criticizing me?" Archer snapped. "Typical Mother! I have to do everything around here and you just stand around…"
"You do everything? You do barely squat!" Mallory screeched. "You don't think I know what you do at the office? Or in your case who you've done at the office?"
"Shouldn't that be whom I've done?" Archer corrected.
"Tell me if this sounds anything like your day," Mallory went on. "You stagger into work anywhere between twenty five minutes to two and a half hours late depending on how big your hangover is."
"I do not stagger!" Archer protested.
"The first thing you do is go straight to the break room to drink a heaping dose of brandy laced coffee," Mallory went on. "Not to mention eat some kind of breakfast burrito or sandwich. Then after arguing with Lana and gossiping with Pam you saunter around the office insulting Cyril and Ray. Then you hit on Cheryl or any other female in the office. Hide in your office where you read your porn magazines. Then wander around to use the bathroom and masturbate for about twenty minutes. Go down to Krieger's lab to watch whatever god awful experiments he does. Go back to the break room to chow down on more food and drink. Hide in your office again pretending to do work when all you're really doing is reading your magazines and taking a nap. Then you argue and berate your co-workers some more. Then sneak out when you think I'm not looking to the nearest bar or whore. Am I on the map with that or what?"
"Okay here's everything that you got wrong…" Archer held up a finger. "I don't always read porn magazines. Sometimes just regular magazines. And sometimes I have breakfast before I come to work. But other than that…yeah. That's pretty much my day. Which includes getting yelled at by you!"
"HA!" Mallory snorted.
"And while you were complaining again, you could have taken two seconds to cast off the boat which we would have been on our way by now!" Archer shouted. "Not that you do much else all day besides drink and make up stupid schemes!"
"Stupid schemes?" Mallory shouted.
"Yeah stupid schemes!" Archer snapped. "Again if you tell Lana I will deny it but a lot of these missions you send us on sound like they were taken out of a Hanna Barbera cartoon! Only with alcohol and people actually dying. You haven't exactly kept your eye on the ball yourself! I mean come on! How many times do we have missions that are only excuses for you to go to some restaurant or blimp or hotel?"
"And how many times do you go on missions for the sole purpose to bang a whore?" Mallory snapped.
"Really Mother? You're gonna play that card?" Archer laughed. "I've lost count of how many times we go on a mission and you're hitting on either the guy that hired us or the target!"
"This isn't about me!" Mallory bristled.
"You know you're getting way too old to just throw yourself at guys right?" Archer asked. "Why do you think half of them turn you down?"
Then he realized he went too far. "Uh oh…"
Mallory then responded by a series of very hard slaps and hits. "OW! OW! OW! OW!"
"ASS!" Mallory slapped him again. "Just pilot the boat and don't screw this up!"
"I would if you would just cast off!" Archer shouted.
"FINE!" Mallory slapped him again. "I have to do everything around here!" She went to remove the line.
"See? Was that so hard?" Archer snapped as they started to leave.
"Just drive!" Mallory ordered.
"Pilot!"
"WHATEVER!" Mallory shouted. "God damn it! You'd better not have made us even later than you already have!"
"I've got this under control Mother!" Archer snapped. "We'll get there in time!"
About an hour and a half later…
"What do you mean we're lost?" Mallory yelled.
"We're not exactly lost! I just don't know exactly where we are," Archer snapped. "Or where the boat is supposed to be."
"That's the exact definition of lost! I knew you would screw this up!" Mallory snapped.
"I have a map!" Archer snapped as he took it out. "Okay…If the blue part is the land…Oh wait. That's where I made my mistake! I think I've got it now!"
"Great! Thanks to your piss poor piloting skills we're an hour and half late for the pickup!" Mallory bristled. "I knew I should have brought Gillette."
"Hey! You think this is so easy why don't you pilot the boat?" Archer snapped.
"I think I will!" Mallory snapped as she shoved him aside.
"Do you even know how?" Archer asked.
"Please! I've done this before," Mallory waved as she took the helm. "I used to smuggle things along the coasts all the time during the war. And after. It's like riding a bicycle. You never forget how to do this. Huh…"
"What?"
"I don't remember ever seeing this lever before," Mallory blinked. "Must be a new feature. I wonder what it does?"
She pulled it. Suddenly there was a thunk as the boat rocked. "Okay so now I know what lever drops the anchor," Mallory said simply.
"Oh yeah you're an expert," Archer mocked as he folded his arms.
"Shut up! All I have to do is just reverse this to pull up the anchor…" Mallory worked the lever. "Why won't this anchor come up?"
"You're supposed to pull it the other way," Archer told her.
"I am pulling it the other way!" Mallory snapped. "I think it's stuck!"
"You broke the anchor?" Archer yelled.
"I did not break it!" Mallory snapped. "It just doesn't work anymore."
"That's the exact definition of broken!" Archer shouted.
"Shut up and help me fix it!" Mallory shouted.
"What do you want from me Mother? I'm not a nautical engineer!" Archer snapped.
"You are whatever I tell you to be!" Mallory tried to pull the lever again and again.
"Just like a bicycle huh?" Archer asked. "And how many times have you fallen off?"
"Just help me you ass!" Mallory shouted.
"Again with the tone," Archer rolled his eyes.
Sometime later. Much later…
"And now we're two and a half hours late," Archer couldn't resist twisting the knife as they sailed through the waters. "You do know you're lucky I was able to figure out how to get that lever unjammed right? After you wrecked it?"
"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. "I think we're finally here! There's the boat! And…another boat right next to it."
"Looks like the Coast Guard beat us here," Archer blinked. "Man those guys really are on the ball aren't they?"
"Damn it," Mallory growled. "Let's get out of here Sterling. Fast! Before they see us!"
"Oh now you want me to pilot the boat?" Archer mocked.
"JUST DO IT!" Mallory shouted. A spotlight hit them. "Uh oh…"
"THIS IS THE UNITED STATES COAST GUARD!" A voice boomed through a megaphone. "CUT YOUR ENGINES AND PREPARE TO BE BOARDED!"
"Not gonna happen!" Archer quickly put the engine in reverse and zoomed out of there.
"Sterling Mallory Archer…" Mallory growled as she heard gunshots being fired. "If we get caught by the Coast Guard…"
"Just shut up and let me drive!" Archer shouted.
"It's called piloting!" Mallory mocked.
"Whatever, just shut up!" Archer shouted.
Sometime later…
"See? We lost the Coast Guard!" Archer barked as he piloted the ship into port.
"After getting lost ourselves," Mallory groaned. "Nearly four hours at sea and all for nothing!"
"Relax Mother, everything is going to be…"Archer began.
Just then a spotlight hit them. "Fine?" He blinked.
"Do you have our stuff?" One of several armed men called out from the docks.
"Oh are you the Cubans?" Archer asked.
"Si. Do you have our cocaine?" One of the men asked.
"Oh yeah…Uh…Funny story…" Archer gulped. "You guys are not going to believe this…"
Twenty minutes later…
"Wow, those guys did not take the news well didn't they?" Archer groaned as they drove away in a stolen car. "How are you holding up Mother?"
"Ass…" Mallory hissed as she bandaged her arm. Luckily for her she remembered to carry bandages in her purse.
"Relax Mother it's just a flesh wound," Archer snorted. "Didn't even hit an artery."
"Great. Not only did we fail to pick up the shipment and allowed it to fall into the hands of the Coast Guard," Mallory groaned. "We got into a shootout with the Cuban Democratic Revolutionary Front and killed five or six of their guys. Hawley is so going to bitch about this."
"And we stole their ride," Archer added.
"That's not a problem," Mallory waved. "I know where there's a good chop shop nearby."
"It's not run by the Irish Mob is it? Because you know…?" Archer began.
"No! These people are black! Some of Popeye's connections," Mallory snorted. "I'm sure we can get at least thirty grand for this car and some of the weapons in the back. On second though we'll keep the weapons and sell the car for twenty."
"It's not fifty but it's better than nothing," Archer agreed.
"As long as we make a profit this night won't be a total loss. I'm going to get something other than a bullet wound and a splitting headache," Mallory growled.
Thirty five minutes later…
"You are such a disappointment," Mallory growled as she glared at her son. She was in her apartment and Archer was bandaging another wound on her other arm.
"How is this my fault?" Archer snapped. "You're the one who got Popeye in jail in the first place! Remember?"
"How was I supposed to know that the guy who ran the chop shop was his cousin who had a grudge?" Mallory snapped. "You're the one who insulted the man!"
"Mother if a man wears a neon pink fedora with a pink shirt and purple jacket he has to know he's going to get comments!" Archer snapped. "And not all of them will be positive! You're lucky I was able to get us out of there in one piece!"
"More or less," Mallory grumbled. "Great. Just great. Not only did we lose the car and the weapons in the firefight. And the fact we won't get any money for anything which means tonight was one huge waste of time…Thank you very much Sterling! I'm also out of more money because I am not going to get that deposit back on that boat we rented!"
"And I'm pretty sure they might charge you extra for all the bullet holes in it," Archer added.
"Sterling I think it goes without saying…but because of your short attention span I will say it anyway," Mallory groaned. "This night never happened!"
"Duh!" Archer rolled his eyes. "Like I'm going to give Lana another excuse to lecture me?"
"I wish I could get out of a lecture that easily," Mallory groaned. "Because you know Hawley is so going to bitch about this!"
"Yeah a drug shipment busted by the Coast Guard, a bunch of dead Cuban freedom fighters, followed by a shootout and fire at a chop shop," Archer snorted. "He won't be a happy camper."
"I'm just grateful Ron is out tonight doing whatever…" Mallory groaned. "I don't know how I'll explain the bullet wounds. Then again he probably won't ask…"
"Well I'm calling it a night," Archer got ready to leave. "I need to get ready to stagger in late tomorrow."
"Sterling wait. One more thing," Mallory sighed. "This is really embarrassing."
"What?" Archer asked.
"I really do need help with my VCR," Mallory admitted. "I still have trouble programming it."
"Typical," Archer groaned. "I'll take a look at it."