I don't care if it hurts.

I want to have control.

I want a perfect body.

I want a perfect soul.

-"Creep" by Radiohead

It hurt.

A thin trail of blood trickled down from her arm and onto her cold, bony feet. She watched in a complete, stony daze as the crimson red liquid spiraled down into the drain. Reminding her of the failures she had made throughout her life. The edge of her fingernail dug deeper into her skin. It wasn't enough. The cold water splashed against her pale body and, tilting her head back, she closed her eyes, letting out a shuddering breath. Everything seemed peaceful. There was no music blasting, no television playing and no shouting. Just the water from the showerhead splashed against her cool skin, creating a sense of tranquility. Although the argument from last night that she had with Giles about slaying made the headache pounding inside of her not as peaceful.

She had lost control that night.

Showing her emotions and vulnerability was something Buffy refrained very hard from doing.

But she lost it in front of Giles, complaining to him about how exhausted she was and that showed her weakness. They weren't supposed to know how miserable she was, but a slip of her tongue and the control she had melted away. They were supposed to be persuaded by her fake smiles and laughs that she was getting better.

But it didn't happen that way because… because…

I have no more fucking control. That's why.

Her self-control was the only thing that kept her from breaking down. It prevented her from doing stupid things like everything she had done the night before. Everything was stupid. She was stupid! Jesus fucking Christ, Buffy. Get yourself together. Running a thin finger along her cut she pressed down on it, the wound reopened and blood came dripping down. It fascinated her.

She was almost grateful her healing powers hadn't kicked in yet.

She still wasn't finished. Questions still needed to be answered.

What happened to her self-control?

She had lost it all after her resurrection.

Now she was useless. Nothing. She wanted control.

Pounding on the door brought her out of her own little world and back into reality. She opened her eyes and groaned when she heard who was behind it.

"Buffy, open up! I need to pee!"

Great.

"Give me a minute!" she called back, coming out of her daze, and turned the shower off. Dawn groaned loudly on the other side.

She scrubbed at her arm violently, clearing most of the blood. Scrambling out of the shower, she grabbed her towel from the hanger and wrapped herself in it. Gripping the sink with both hands, she closed her eyes and tried to calm herself. Her quick escape from the shower had a nauseating affect on her. God, she needed a nice long, fucking sleep. It was a bad idea to not sleep for three days while running only on caffeine.

Damn those fucking bills and vampires' and-

"My bladder is about to explode!" Dawn whined from behind the door while pounding on it like crazy.

"Okay, okay! Calm down, Jesus!" Buffy snapped, opening her eyes. She took one quick glance at her tired reflection-well don't I look crappy today, and opened the cabinet above the sink. She grabbed a bottle of Tylenol and popped two of them in her mouth. She considered on taking all of them because she knew that two wouldn't be enough to calm the pounding in her head. Also not a good idea to spend an afternoon nursing two bottles of vodka while blasting music at full volume when home alone. She tilted her head back and swallowed them. The pounding orchestra Dawn was conducting on the door wasn't helping the excruciating pain coming from Buffy's head.

"I swear to god, Buffy. If you don't open this door, I'm gonna pee on the fl-" before she could finish her sentence, a seriously pissed off looking Buffy swung open the door and walked right past her.

"All yours" she muttered, not looking back and shut the bedroom door behind her.

Dawn frowned and looked at the closed door to her sister's bedroom. She's in an odd mood today, Dawn thought. What the hell was going on? The sudden need for having to urinate came by again in her mind like an alarm and she dashed inside the bathroom, forgetting about her sister.

Buffy lay on her bed with a pillow covering her face, screaming. The pillow muffled the loud noises that escaped from her mouth, but couldn't calm the storm brewing in her head. She pushed the pillow down harder, letting it suffocate her, and closed her eyes. Her screams died out and the pain she felt subsided. For a moment, the world stopped and she felt at peace. The calming sensation of lying down, her heartbeat slowing as time passed by, knowing she could die, was almost serene. Then she felt it.

The sharp pain in her chest as her heart pounded and pounded, begging for oxygen and to be released from the pressure of the pillow. Buffy's eyes popped open and she panicked, throwing the pillow off of her. Panting, she sat up and wrapped her arms around herself. What the hell just happened? Had she tried to kill herself? No, no if she was then she would've give in and let the pillow suffocate her. Funny way to kill yourself, she thought. A pillow. How unique. She shook her head, confusion written all over her pale face. Her mind took over her body but she fought it and took control using her body.

Control.

That was it. Her body. The physical part of her she could control.

A small smile crept upon her lips as an idea popped into her head. She found out a way to get control. Starting with her body. If she could control it, make it perfect, then she could try and control her mind. She'd be perfect and better. She'd be the perfect slayer. That's what her friends wanted. One step at a time was how she was going to do this. It was time for the planning part. How was she going to approach this? To take control of her body would mean… it would mean…

Well shit.

Buffy rubbed at her temples, trying to get the gears in her mind to work and come up with a plan. She was desperate for control. It was the only thing that held her together and she couldn't bear to fall apart. Not now.

She wanted perfection, right? So that meant making her body look perfect. But what does that have to do with keeping control? Buffy frowned and closed her eyes tightly.

Got it.

Food.

Food was her weakness here; it was the thing that she had to avoid to prevent her from losing control and being perfect. Losing weight was her goal to having the perfect body and taking control. She knew it would be difficult, to resist all of the temptations. Food would be constantly surrounding her, now that Dawn had bought a cooking book, her sister would make her eat whatever unhealthy thing she had cooked up. Buffy took a moment to wonder when and how Dawn managed to buy the cookbook. Was it the allowance Dawn had saved? She shrugged it off and focused her attention back to the plan.

One advantage Buffy had was her lack of appetite. Ever since her resurrection, food tasted like crap and dirt, and water was the only thing she could keep down at the moment. Having no appetite prevented her from getting hungry, which was a good thing. Other people would just find it crazy. Another advantage would be her slaying duties. She could burn some calories during her training and patrolling. If they see her actually making an effort with her duties instead of just moping around being tired all the time like she's been doing the past few weeks, it would show them that she was getting better.

Okay, this was good.

Buffy reopened her eyes and pushed herself up off her bed. She walked over to the mirror that stood in the corner of the room and examined her body. She had definitely lost weight since high school, Buffy noticed. Her cheekbones were hollow and her collarbones seemed more prominent. Her curves were smaller than before. For a split second, Buffy considered on just forgetting about the whole taking control on her body, but she shook it off quickly.

I need to do this.

She stepped closer to her reflection and frowned. She really did look tired. Small, dark circles were under her eyes. The paleness of her skin really added to the effect.

Okay, now I think I need some coffee.

Buffy closed her tired eyes and turned her head away from her reflection. She couldn't bear to look at it anymore. She was going to change. She needed to fix the big fuckup that she'd become. The sound of the bathroom door opening caused Buffy to open her eyes again. Either Dawn's bladder had a huge supply of urine or she fell asleep on the toilet and just woke up. Buffy let out a small laugh as she visualized Dawn falling asleep on the toilet and just letting her arms sag low and her body toppled over.

"Buffy?"

Shit.

Clearing her throat, Buffy walked over to her closed bedroom door and swung it open. She forced a smile on her face and resisted the urge to just slam the door in her sister's face.

"Yeah?"

Dawn raised a brow and crossed her arms, shifting her weight to her left foot.

"You look like crap."

Giving her a dark look, Buffy put on a terrifying smile, her eyes not matching the expression.

"Thanks." she responded with heavy sarcasm.

"Yeah, um, I was just wondering if you'd like to…" biting her lip, she tucked a string of hair behind her ear before continuing, "go out, just the two of us? For lunch or-or something?" she smiled nervously, mentally crossing her fingers. She really hoped Buffy would say yes. Ever since Buffy had been brought back, she hadn't been keen on the whole socializing thing. Dawn felt like changing things up a bit. She just hoped for it all to work out.

Buffy, on the other hand, had to restrain from rolling her eyes and just walking away, back to her bed, to sleep. Did she want coffee? Yes. Desperately. Did she want to go outside? No. Did she want to be normal? Yes. Did she not want her sister to suspect anything? Definite yes. She let out a small sigh and gave Dawn a small smile.

"Sure."

Dawn's smile grew, lighting up her face. She jumped up and down, clapping her hands. Grabbing Buffy's wrists, she pulled her closer.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Letting go of her sister's wrists, Dawn ran off into her room, still bouncing up and down, squealing excitedly.

"Yes! Don't worry, it's gonna be fun! We should totally go shopping after or something cause I got some money saved that I wanna spend!" she said, waving her arms before disappearing into her room.

Buffy's face fell flat and her smile disappeared. It was going to take all of her energy to socialize and act happy. She was sick and tired of doing it, but it was a way of saying to the people of the world, "Hey! I'm getting better! Look at my smiles and laughs and how interested I am with being alive!"

She just had to get through this day, and the next, and the next, until she is fixed and perfect and her friends know that she is better. Her sister's bedroom door opened and Dawn walked out wearing casual skinny jeans and a silky, black tank top with a rose pattern on it. Her hair was pulled into a tight ponytail, and she had applied some eyeliner.

"Wow, okay. Do I have to get all dressed up?"

Dawn gave her sister a look and just shrugged. "If you want."

"It's just us, going to eat lunch at a cheap place, Dawn. Nothing to get all fancy about."

"Fine then. Do what you want. Not my fault that you're jealous of my looks." Dawn smirked, looking her sister straight in the eye. Buffy opened her mouth to say something back, but Dawn grabbed her arm and dragged her down the stairs.

"Let's just go. Cause now I'm actually really hungry." She said.

"Okay, fine."

Dawn let go of her sister's arm and walked out the door, her ponytail bouncing up and down. Buffy closed her eyes and let out a deep breath. She prayed to the Gods for her not to screw up and make her more of a failure.

"Time to clean up the big mess that I am" she muttered before following Dawn out the door.