PROLOGUE

or

A Conversation Alienated from Everything Else

He was in the red again. Alone. Completely enveloped. There were no walls closing in on him, no falling crumbling towers – just red, neither soft nor hard; just thick rich scarlet curling over every surface of his skin, some forcing their way into his pores, seeping into raw muscle, like blood tearing at the membrane of his lungs. He tried to call for help, someone, anyone, but like every other time, he knew nobody would hear. So again, he he struggled and ploughed his way to somewhere, anywhere, trying to wrench his arms free from the strong grasps of the red claws. He tried to ignore the pain that ripped through him, but every time he'd be compelled to watch flecks of his skin tear and his own blood run freely, staining the claws a deeper, darker red. Whispers pinched his earlobes, carrying the voice of Ozai and the venom of Azula's; the deep 'my son', the lilting 'good brother'. Then, he felt the gentle touch of a pale, thin hand, a smooth thumb cool against the thin skin at the underside of his wrist. This hand, so very familiar to the deeper, darker recesses of his mind, would then tug his arm gently, as though guiding him to his Somewhere. But then, like every other time, as he began to relax in the cradle of this somewhat familiar comfort, the hand was ripped away with a horrible shredding sound and a guttural shriek. The red grew black, scratching at the left side of his face and invisible hands pressed against his throat. His last thought was air. He needed air.

Mai awoke with a start. This happened every night since Zuko's coronation, since they had shared a bed, since they had begun sleeping in the very quarters that held Zuko's father and his dead grandfather, but that didn't mean she was used to the frantic whispers and dark, violent dreams that seemed to pervade Zuko's mind whenever darkness set. She placed a slightly trembling, warm palm on Zuko's cold, sweaty forehead. He leaned slightly into her touch and Mai, despite herself, couldn't help a small smile.

'Zuko,' she whispered in gentle, even tones, rubbing his arm, offering his subconscious comfort the only way she knew how.

He gave an involuntary twitch, his breathing becoming rough and desperate in short, shallow gasps. Mai pushed down the surge of panic, some still seeping into her widened, gold eyes.

'Zuko. Zuko! Wake up! Zuko!'

'Mom!' Zuko jerked awake with a hoarse, frightened shout, his back snapping into an upright seated position. A single bead of sweat trickled down his temple. His eyes rove frantically around the room and Mai's pale, unmoving features, disoriented and confused.

'Oh Mai, it's you,' he whispered as his brain registered the familiar face of the one he held dear, posture relaxing considerably, shoulders slumping as he took in a deep breath of air. Yet, Mai couldn't miss the hint of deep-seated disappointment buried in his gold eyes, the colour of dying embers of the fires in Ba Sing Se. Still, she swallowed the tinge of hurt, telling herself that she understood and collected the still slightly trembling Zuko in her arms, her hands stroking his hair. If he needed his mother, she would do her best to provide for him in ways she could.

They sat in silence for while, his head in her lap, letting the stormy winds and rough seas of the nightmare calm. Mai watched the rise of his chest slow, his breathing even out while drawing soft, soothing circles with her nail into his now-relaxed shoulder. With Yue's pale beauty pouring through their window, reflecting off Mai's alabaster skin, it was almost a perfect picture. Yet, it was incomplete; both of them feeling the need to talk about something they didn't know how to.

Mai spoke first, her voice even and perceivably toneless yet Zuko could tell it held depths of concern.

'This is getting bad. You've been having these nightmares increasingly frequently,' She paused, her eyes glancing downwards to look at Zuko for any hint of a reaction. He remained unmoving, only the slightest twitch of his toes told her he was listening. She frowned, the slight crease between her eyebrows marring the smoothness of her delicate features, waiting for some sort of response. A short pause stretched into a long silence and while both of them, quiet creatures by nature, usually enjoyed these silences, this one was far from companionable and was laden with unsaid unsettled thoughts and concerns.

Suddenly, something in Mai broke. It was as though the long drawn out silence had stretched out some elastic band of emotion, testing her. It had pulled and tugged and now, she snapped.

She threw Zuko off her lap, not missing the startled anxiousness that coated his features, and spun him forcefully around to face her.

'Okay, seriously, you're ticking me off! You refuse to tell me what's going on, telling me not to worry! How can I not worry when every bloody night you're calling for your mother or gasping like your heart has stopped! You've never had a good night's sleep since your coronation! Since you visited your father that very afternoon! And when I wake you up, you look like you don't want me here!'

As soon as those words left her mouth, Mai stopped herself with a jolt. She glanced up at Zuko apprehensively, who looked as startled as she felt. Mostly ashamed at herself for having no sort of control over her thoughts and her selfishness, she hastily lay down, back facing Zuko and pulled up the covers, and played the game every child knew, pretending to sleep.

Another uncomfortable silence passed with Mai's own loud chaotic thoughts thundering in her ears before she heard the soft flurry of sheets and the mattress squeaking to receive the weight of another body beside her. Then, again, there was no sound.

Mai waited, her innate feminine side expecting some form of comfort or at the very least, for Agni's sake, some form of a response. Nothing came, except for the soft cricket sounds carried by the warm summer breeze. Affronted at the thought that Zuko could have possibly gone back to sleep, she turned around sharply, only to meet Zuko's intense golden gaze. She felt the involuntary flooding of heat to her cheeks, half of it out of annoyance, half of it out of, well, whenever Zuko was close to her.

Watching Mai and her hint of embarrassment, Zuko smirked, as though a nightmare had been forgotten. But soon, the fleeting moment of mirth passed, he cast his gaze downwards and let out a soft sigh, unable to keep the tinge of sadness out of it. He gently flung his arm around Mai's waist, relishing in the smoothness of the thin silk of her nightdress and the comforting warmth that radiated from her skin beneath, before raising his eyes to look into her narrowed gaze again.

'You're beautiful when you're mad,' Zuko couldn't help but whisper. Mai tried her best at giving him a deadpan look but she knew he hadn't missed just the slightest upward quirk of her lip.

'Okay, you're right. You deserve to know. But I really don't want you to worry. I don't want you to encourage me to doing whatever I want to do because I know you will and -' Zuko was cut off with a sharp slap against his chest.

'Stop blabbering and being such a doofus,' Mai said with a roll of her eyes. Then, before the mood could take another dip into sentimentality, she added, still embarrassed by her earlier outburst, 'Hurry up, I want to sleep,'

Zuko allowed himself a little grin before casting his gaze on the table lamp behind her, 'I don't know what I dream about. I forget once I wake up. All I know is that I...,' he paused to swallow uncertainly, 'I think I find my mom,' Now, he stared straight into Mai's eyes, and Mai couldn't help but be taken back at his earnestness, as she did every time.

'I'm sorry for what I said earlier. I don't mean to doubt you,' she whispered, almost inaudibly, 'I know that disappointment is when you wake up and realise that it's just a dream. That well, you know you didn't actually...' she couldn't bring herself to say what was all too obvious. 'But I know that your dreams frighten you. You may not remember but you cry out and well, it scares me too. Remember what you said when we first stepped into these quarters? You said that it was weird sleeping where your father once did and your grandfather and Sozin and well, I think it's getting to you. I think you're scared of the position of Fire Lord and the only way you're facing this is your subconscious desiring that comfort you had when you first faced similar pressures,'

Zuko stared at her and smiled. Sometimes, Mai really did know him better than he did himself. Pulling her closer, he said softly, 'I have you,' expecting her to snuggle closer, preparing for finally, a good night's sleep, as little night there was left.

Instead, she whispered too matter-of-factly, 'But I'm not enough,'

Shocked, Zuko jerked away to stare at her straight in the eyes, 'Mai! I thought you said-You- You know I love you! How could you ever doubt me or yourse-'

Mai rolled her eyes, this time, snuggling closer and declared in her characteristic deadpan tone, 'Stop it. Stop worrying. I didn't mean anything by it. A child has an unbreakable bond with his mother. Like you and your mom. She loved you and cared for you and you still remember it, even if it was a long time ago. My mom left me to the servants, I never got to have that bond with her,' she said, with no spite in her voice and when Zuko tried to cut in, she continued, 'I'm just stating facts. I'm not saying she never loved me but I never did get to spend time with her like you did with your mom at the turtleduck pond or walking along corridors. Now just kiss me, and let me go to sleep,'

Zuko stared at her uncertainly, he really didn't know what to expect with Mai, another reason why he loved her. He didn't know what to feel, or how to respond to everything she just said. Did she mean what she said or did she, like how girls were known to be, say something but mean another? Tentatively, he bowed his head towards her slowly, deciding to go with whatever she wanted, but when his lips touched her dry, slightly chapped yet soft ones and he felt the warmth of her breathe tickle his chin, he knew one thing for sure, that she was probably right.