Disclaimer: I don't own the song or the characters.
She was lost in so many different ways
Out in the darkness with no guide
I know the cost of a losing hand
Never thought the grace of God go high
Lily sat on the ledge outside the Astronomy Tower. Heights never bothered her. It gave her a thrill, a good one, to see the world so far beneath her. She felt light and airy, like a bird in flight. She just sat on the ledge, watching the sun set over the lake. The Giant Squid lazily threw tentacles up, splashing the water, in bored play.
Her eyes drifted over to the Quidditch field, as she shifted on the ledge. She noticed red blurs, whizzing around gaily. She watched jealously. She always wanted to fly, but broomsticks didn't agree with her. They flipped out whenever she got on one. It was unfair. Just plain unfairness, like the rest of her life.
Lily watched one figure, which was engaged in the most elaborate patterns. She guessed it was James Potter. He had always annoyed her. He was arrogant and mean, he bullied anyone not as popular or smart as him. But then, sixth year, half way through, he completely changed. He became kind, and stopped being such a prat.
Lily had no idea what happened. She never understood why he was so mean. He had a good life. He had both parents, and while he was an only child, he had good friends. Lily envied him of that.
Her life wasn't as great. Her parents had divorced when she was six, in a very messy affair. Her sister, Petunia, hated her with a passion that defied words. Lily felt cheated of her childhood, she had been given crap.
But then, one day, her best childhood friend took her to temple. When she walked in the doors, and saw the bimah, and the rabbis, something worked inside of her. In a heartbeat, she became Jewish. Her friend, Shirah Goldstein, took her to temple every Friday, and brought her to Hebrew School. Lily never realized how important religion was, what a comfort to the soul it was.
I found heaven on earth
You were my last, my first
And then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria
Lily found solace in the prayers chanted, but when she was eleven, she found out the truth. She was a witch. Thinking back, she traced the loss of Judaism in her life. First, the fight with Shirah over her going to 'boarding school.' Before she knew it, she wasn't keeping the holidays, or remembering the prayers.
But magic seemed to make up for the loss. With a wave of her wand, she could do anything. Magic became her first love. But some nights, as she lay in bed, unable to sleep, she could almost hear the songs of a religion long forgotten.
"Lily? What are you doing up here?" A voice asked, shattering Lily's thoughts. She twitching, eyes opening, as she took in the sight of James Potter in front of her. She decided he must have seen her sitting here while at Quidditch practice, and flown up to see who it was.
"Oh, hi James. I was just thinking, about life." She blushed slightly, cheeks turning a delicate pink. "About how screwed up everything is." James shook his head.
"See, that's your problem. Things aren't messed up unless you focus on them, instead of the good. Do you want a ride down?" He asked, extending a hand towards his broom. Lily looked at him, surprised. When had he become so nice? She nodded, because flying on someone else broom was way easier than climbing through windows.
He offered her hand, and she grabbed it swinging herself onto his broom. She tensed up, waiting for the broomstick to start convulsing, but nothing happened.
"Hang on tight," James said, before pulling his broom into a steep decline. Lily wrapped her arms around his waist, holding on tight. They flew down, and when they reached the ground, James hopped off first, and then held out a hand, to assist Lily with. When did he become such a gentleman? Lily wanted to know.
I've been alone
When I'm surrounded by friends
How could the silence be so loud
But I still go home knowing that I've got you
There's us when the lights go down
After thanking him, Lily went off to find her best friend, Dorcas, and tell her what happened. She got to her dorm, to find all her friends sitting on Dorcas' bed, as she was telling them how much she loved Sirius Black.
"Oh, hey guys." Lily's voice was flat, hurt, as she watched her friends turn. They looked at her confusedly.
"What are you doing here? Don't you have stuff to sulk over?" Dorcas asked, unkindly. Lily's stomach knotted. Without another word, she turned and walked out of the room. She walked through the Common room, and out, out as far as she could go. Her feet carried her back to Astronomy Tower, where she perched on a ledge again.
"Now, it isn't healthy to spend so much time away from people." A teasing voice from behind startled Lily. It was James again. Lily smiled, and climbed back through the window.
"Yeah? Well, it isn't health to play Quidditch as much as you do."
"Quidditch isn't a sport, it's a lifestyle." They both began to laugh. "Seriously, is something wrong? You seem upset."
Without knowing why, all of Lily's troubles spilt from her lips. Her childhood with her parents, her finding and losing of Judaism, her finding of magic, and now, the loss of her friends. James sat there, and put his arm around her shoulders. Lily spoke on and on, keeping her eyes fixed on the cool grey stones. James presence was a comfort, and she was glad she finally had someone to talk to.
Sometimes, it felt like she was alone, even when she was surrounded by her friends. She had this internal emptiness, and couldn't seem to be part of anything. But now, with James, she didn't feel alone. She was part of something. When she was done, James gave her a big hug.
"Wow that is a lot to deal with. I won't tell anyone, not even Sirius." He gave her a big smile, and Lily felt her eyes drawn to his. "My friends and I are sneaking to the kitchens for tea. You want to come?" He asked, his eyes never leaving her, not once. "It will be fun. Cheering people up is our forte." With a timid smile, Lily agreed.
You are my heaven on earth
You are my hunger, my thirst
I always hear this voice inside
Singing Ave Maria
Lily was soon adopted as an honorary Marauder. She spent all her time with James, Sirius, Remus and Peter. She took up the spot of group mother, reminding them to eat their vegetables, do their homework, and for heaven's sake, stop hexing first years! But she also had fun with them, teasing, flirting and pranking.
That was September, when she was left by her friends. By December, she was an indispensible member of the Marauders. She had the time of her life, in her seventh year. But she began to be confused by her emotions. She harbored a secret crush of James.
James had been the one to give her this, the one to introduce her to her new friends. She owed him so much. But even deeper than that, James was nice and kind and funny… everything a girl could want. She was so close to him. She knew about his dreams (marry young, and have a huge family), his fears (people hurting his friends, Voldemort), and his ambitions (joining the fight against Voldemort, becoming an Auror, being a father).
She couldn't help it. She started to fall in love with him. He was her guide in this new life she led. He knew her dreams, her secrets and her fears. He was her shoulder to cry on, as well as the person she hugged when something good happened. Of course, there vicious rumors that flew around school, about why she was now friends with them, they all ignored. After all, she couldn't be pregnant with all of their children if she was a virgin.
Sometimes love can come and pass you by
While you're busy making plans
Suddenly hit you and then you realize
It's out of your hands, baby you got to understand
"James, put down that knife now!" Lily cried, one morning in early March. Sirius was teasing him, and poor James wasn't a morning person. So, he conjured up a knife. James glared at her. "James Harold Potter, put the knife down this instant, or so help you." Sirius snickered evilly.
"One day, you two lovebirds will thank me for this." Then, he pushed them into a wall. They fell through, and the wall became hard again. "Too much sexual tension between you two. Get over it, in this cozy little hidden corner. Good thing it is Sunday and you have no classes!" Sirius laughed, and they heard him walk away.
Looking around, this little room they were in was nicely furnished. The walls were cream, with a dark wood floor. Hanging on the walls were tapestries of Greek myths. Lily and James looked at each other, before lily walked over to the couch, sat down, and went to sleep. What? She was tired.
As she slept, James sat down next to her, and stroked her hair. She was heartbreakingly beautiful. Her auburn hair curled gently around her heart-shaped face. James knew she was out of his league. She was his friend, and friends don't fall in love with friends. But he did.
"Merlin, Lily, why do you have to be so perfect. Everything I want in a woman, you have. You are fiery and passionate and smart and funny. You don't care the least bit about such trivial things as my pride, or self-esteem, but are always looking out for me. I hate how much I love you, because every time I look at you, I know I will never get you." Sighing, James moved away, to the other side of the couch. And he fell asleep. He was tired too.
About half an hour after, Lily woke up, and saw James sleeping next to her. Before making any conscious decision, she found herself reaching out and stroking his hair. She sighed, and let her hand trace she planes of his face, his high cheekbones, his jaw, and felt tears prick her eyes.
"I hate this James. I hate the way you are always there for me, they way you made me fall for you, but know I will never get anything more than friendship. You hold me so tight when I cry, but then tousle my hair and walk away once you cheer me up. Talk about mixed messages! I hate the games you play with me, the way you are always a little friendlier than friends are. But you are strictly platonic. Merlin, James!" She felt tears prick behind her eyes. Turning away from him, she began to cry.
A few minutes later, James woke up, and saw her crying. He felt his heart break, the way it did every time she cried. He slid over to her, and put his arm around her shoulder. To his surprise, she shrugged it off before turning around to face him.
"Enough, James, just leave me alone." Lily was surprised at how cold her voice was. "Like you care why I am crying. You treat me so well, and then always walk away. You don't realize anything. Much less the fact I am falling in love with you. You'll never love me back, that is obvious. So stop making me love you more! I hate how hard it is for me to be around you, because I love you. So just stop James. Just go away."
She turned away, and began to sob even harder. James felt like he had been punched in the gut. Lily loved him, and thought he didn't love her. Thought he would never love her. How wrong could she be? So, he tried to figure out how to convince her that she was wrong. He decied on a kiss.
He stood up, and walked around to where Lily was. He faced her, his eyes taking in her tear-streaked face, and guilt flooded him. He knelt, so he was the same height as Lily. Gently, he cupped her face in his hands, savoring the warm feel of her skin. He leaned in and kissed her, delicately, gently, lovingly. James could taste her tears.
Lily was surprised, by the feel of his lips on hers. It took her a while to process what was happening. When she finally understood, she threw herself into the kiss. Kissing back just as tenderly, she twisted her hands into his soft hair.
In the silence that grew in between them, their love was conveyed to the other. They knew that they would never love anyone else, that this person was their first and last love. They knew that they both knew this, and were content. And echoing in Lily's mind, like a long-lost friend were these Hebrew words. Ani l'dodi v'dodi li. I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.
You are my heaven on earth
You are my last, my first
And then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria
Ave Maria
Ave Maria
For their first date, James took Lily to temple. It was a beautiful service, and Lily remembered everything she needed to. That night, they got engaged. It was decided any children they had would be raised Jewish. They never thought they wouldn't be able to raise their own children.