Please note that this was not meant to reflect or express any of my political views or personal opinions.
One day, Little Red Riding Hood was traveling to Grandma Bernie's house (yes, her grandma was named Bernie because she was not bounded by your sexist standards for names) to deliver her humane and 100% vegan snacks. She had to walk through the woods to get to Grandma Bernie's small cottage. Grandma Bernie only lived in a cottage because of how economically oppressed she was by the top 1%. However, she was still able to get some benefits by demanding (and receiving) free healthcare and free public college (which she put to full use by receiving an ever-useful degree in art history). Little Red Riding Hood was excited to see her Grandma again.
While Little Red Riding Hood was walking along the trail in the woods, she encountered a wolf who went by the name of Donald. Donald the Wolf stopped Little Red Riding Hood as aggressively as possible and said,
"I do not believe someone as delicate as you should be walking through the woods alone. I shall be deporting you back to your home, as here in the woods, you are considered an illegal resident to me, the president of this woodland. This area has been marked as a separate country."
Little Riding Hood was quite offended by Donald's discriminatory remarks and immediately posted about it on social media. What ensued was outrage from the people on the internet. Soon enough, an online petition was created, with multiple celebrities signing the petition. Little Red Riding Hood was then granted permission to walk through the woods and bear with the fascist regime of Donald the Wolf.
Later, Little Red Riding Hood found herself back in the woods walking to her grandma's house. Donald the Wolf, however, had found a quicker route to Grandma Bernie's house and subsequently reached her house earlier than Little Red Riding Hood, which was also in the woods. Donald the Wolf inhumanely swallowed Grandma Bernie whole. When Little Red Riding Hood got to Grandma Bernie's house, she was greeted by a creature in Grandma Bernie's pajamas. Little Red Riding Hood thought that this was Grandma Bernie even though that it was really the wolf.
"Grandma, I have brought some humane, vegan, and kosher snacks for you that are 100% gluten-free and low-fat and that contain no GMOs!" said Little Red Riding Hood.
"Come closer, dear," said the wolf disguised as Grandma Bernie.
"Not to offend you, Grandma Bernie, but what big eyes you have!" remarked Little Red Riding Hood.
"I find your comment quite racist to people of Asian descent, my dear," replied the wolf.
"Sorry, grandma," said Little Red Riding Hood.
Suddenly, Donald the Wolf jumped out of Grandma Bernie's pajamas and tried to eat Little Red Riding Hood whole. However, at the same time, a lumberjack burst into the cottage because he could hear all of the commotion outside. The lumberjack tried to attack Donald the Wolf, who built a wall to defend himself.
"Ah! More illegal immigrants! Now they're trying to attack me!" screamed the wolf. The lumberjack, however, was unfazed by the wall and climbed over it and killed the wolf. Grandma Bernie then jumped out of the wolf's body and was healed after getting treated by the doctors (she did not stress about any surgery costs because of how she had free healthcare). Little Red Riding Hood was greatly offended by the fact that she had to be saved by a man instead of defending herself as a strong, independent woman. However, she was able to forgive the lumberjack because of how he saved her life. The lumberjack, Grandma Bernie, and Little Red Riding Hood then all went on with their daily lives.
Reviews*
"Not politically correct enough."
-LA Times
"We have taken this literally and are quite offended!"
-Fox News
"This story is worse than the public school system of Louisiana."
-The Times-Picayune
*Reviews were not actually real