I'm BACK! Back in Black. Anyone that remembers me from "Shino's Birthday" or "Rock Lee's Guide to Wooing Haruno Sakura" - HAVE NO FEAR! To make a long story short, my computer took a crap and I couldn't update my profile. Plus, I just started my first year in high school, so I took a few months off from writing to adjust. Next weekend I'll write the next chapter for "Shino's Birthday," which will concern Neji, Ino, and Sakura baking Shino's cake; it was the unanimous choice by my reviewers (except for one, sorry buddy. But I promise that next chapter will kick ass!)
THIS is a little thing I started up so I can write out all of those random ideas that pop into my brain ("Team Gai at the Movies," "Neji the Hentai" to name a few), so... here ya go! This WONT' be updated on a regular basis, just whenever I'm... bored... or having writer's block!
Because this is a "thing," if you guys have ANY requests for ANYTHING, let me know! It may not come right away, but I'll but it in the back of my mind. I'll take any non-pedophiliac het pairings, and I'll take NaruSasu, GaaLee, and MAYBE a few others. Remember: I despise SasuSaku, NejiTen, and I'm not too fond of NaruHina. However, I'll write them, but I'll simply take a different approach to them. And I almost always write humor! So... if humor is what you want, then humor is what you'll (hopefully) get!
NARUTO: NOPE.
Dedicated to Sarutobi Asuma, who... eh... I won't spoil it...
READ AND REVIEW! I accept all kinds of comments. If you see anything that doesn't make sense, please let me know! I respond to all comments in the following chapter, so... YOU WILL NOT BE LEFT UNHEARD!
Happy Super Fun Ultra Hyper One-Shots GO!
Chapter 1: Fishing with Team 10
Pairings?
It was an average Friday for Team Ten, since the four-man squad was feasting – or, at least one of them was feasting while the other three watched with pulled, appalled expressions – at the local barbeque restaurant. Following Chouji's assault on his barbecued pork, and after Shikamaru's futile complaining when Asuma hastily handed him the bill – he was sure he'd never seen so many numbers in his entire life! - Ino started small talk with Chouji.
"You know, we don't do a lot of other things together other than train and eat." She spoke pensively while prodding Chouji's shoulder with an extra pair of chopsticks. Taking into consideration his response, a puzzled expression and a shrug of the shoulders, she continued. "Not that there's anything wrong with eating! I just think we should do more together, that's all!" Upon hearing this, Shikamaru sunk lower in his seat, already feeling drained of energy merely thinking about what torture Ino would soon put him through.
Chouji sighed, knowing that Ino's previous statement will somehow involve the four of them, the mall, and bankruptcy on Asuma's part. However, to confirm his suspicion, he asked anyways. "Well, what do you have in mind?"
Ino's face lit up, her smile nearly reaching the opposite ends of her face. The three males at the table cringed. "Well, I'd have to say shopping is the best way to spend our official 'Team Bonding Day'!" By now, Ino had snapped her chopsticks in half; she had been too caught up in her "teenage-girl fantasies" to notice.
Shikamaru rose from his seat, yanking Chouji out of his seat by his elbow. "We object. Asuma-sensei, you with us?" His gaze swung over to Asuma's, pleading for him to use common sense. To his confusion, Asuma did not make eye contact with him. "Uh, sensei?"
He cleared his throat, glancing around the table and surveying each of his students' desperate expressions. "Well, uh, I'm actually siding with Ino on this one –''
"Why?" Shikamaru demanded, startling everyone with the uncharacteristic inflection in his voice. Asuma scratched the back of his head.
"If you'd let me finish, Shikamaru, I… Kurenaineedssomestuff!" He added quickly, fiddling with his own chopsticks and prayed they would dismiss the matter; unfortunately for him, that was unsatisfactory for Shikamaru.
"What is SO important that Kurenai needs?"
"Personal things! Happy now?"
Shikamaru's grip on Chouji's elbow faltered, resulting in him losing balance and falling down on his chair, causing it to collapse.
"Well, kids. There's your fun fact for the day," Shikamaru announced, breaking the uncomfortable silence in that corner of the restaurant. "Well, back to the matter at hand, I believe Chouji and I haven't had our say in what we'd like to do for 'Team Bonding Day'." Heaving Chouji back up to his feet, he exchanged a knowing glance with him. "What do you say?"
"I say…" Chouji thought for a moment, scratching his chin. A few seconds later he arrived at the perfect activity that would be ideal for both him and Shikamaru! "I say… we go fishing, what do you think?"
Shikamaru grinned – sometimes Chouji knew him a little bit too well. Chouji loved fishing, it would give Ino an excuse to keep her mouth shut so not to scare the fish away, and a serene, beautiful lake was the perfect surrounding for him to catch up some sleep. "Works for me. But now we're tied, so…" Shikamaru trailed off, thinking of how to get out of this new predicament.
"So 'fishing' comes before 'shopping' in the alphabet, so I guess fishing wins!" Chouji exclaimed, flashing Shikamaru a huge smile. Elated in their victory against their other two teammates, they pointedly ignored Ino's protests and shouted obscenities.
"Sometimes, my friend, I think my genius is rubbing off on you." Shikamaru sighed in contentment, patting Chouji on the shoulder. "Ah, the gods must be on my side today." Asuma grunted and muttered something along the lines of "guess we'll have to wait until tomorrow night," but Ino wasn't willing to accept defeat without a fight.
"Wait – that's not fair and you know it! Asuma-sensei, you're older, so you handle this!" Ino crossed her arms in a 'huff' and glared at the older man. He now felt pressured by both sides and wished he had never attended in the first place.
"Let's just compromise and get this over with, okay? Since both activities are tied, why don't we just do both –"
"NO!"
"Get over it, you two. My word is final. But, so to prove I'm not being biased, we can go fishing tomorrow and the day after we can go shopping –''
"NO!"
"I think I'm being pretty fair, Ino. So, I don't know much about fishing, but I can safely assume you do, Chouji?"
Chouji nodded eagerly, the thought of fishing already put a smile to his face. "Yeah! In fact, I'll be able to bring the gear tomorrow and there's this great fishing spot just beyond Konoha's gates that'll be perfect! We should meet by eight o' clock sharp, unless anyone has a problem -''
"I have a problem –''
"Unless anyone has a problem that doesn't concern the hour we should arrive by," Chouji finished, sending an apologetic look to Shikamaru. Some things had to be sacrificed for fishing; he didn't like waking up that early any more than he did. Then again, almost anyone would enjoy waking up early when compared with Shikamaru; for that matter, one would probably be inspired to wake up an hour earlier than routine after being within his presence for a few hours.
Asuma clapped his hands together. "It's settled then! Chouji will lead us to the fishing spot tomorrow, and the only thing you'll need to bring is your fishing spirit!" he boasted, chuckling softly before feeling Shikamaru's annoyed leer preying upon him. "Or something like that."
The next day, Team Ten met by Konoha's gates, according to yesterday's instructions given by Chouji, the "fishing advocate," as appointed by Shikamaru. When Ino first spotted Chouji, she nearly suffered of a seizure. Dumbfounded, she gawked at his outfit – a dark green vest with fishing lures aplenty, a dark blue long-sleeved shirt beneath it, dark green pants that matched the vest, and dark brown boots. She stared at her other three teammates, who greeted him instead of banishing him from the village and treating him like the gruesome monster he appeared to be!
Gulping, she pointed a shaky finger at the sick fiend. "You – you poor, oblivious creature! Have you no shame?" Ino gasped, receiving for perplexed stares in response. She gestured to his clothing to emphasize her argument. Once catching her drift, Chouji sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Ino, this is what I'm supposed to wear," he agonized; Ino's incessant blabbering regarding "fashion disasters" really irked the trio, especially Chouji, since he was usually at the receiving end of her remarks. "It's fishing attire –"
"As long as I don't have to wear that –''
"Don't worry, you don't have to, Ino. It just makes it easier to get the lures and baits, that's all!" He insisted, now becoming anxious while Ino sighed in relief. "Are we ready to go or what, Asuma-sensei?" Seeing his teacher nod, all the while he was stifling a laugh at his two students' peculiar dynamics, Chouji began marching out of the city with Ino by his side and Asuma not far behind. "It won't take too long to get there, maybe an hour at tops!"
Shikamaru groaned, folded his hands, placed them at the back of his head and sauntered behind his team. "Exercise… how troublesome."
Once arriving at the fishing grounds, Ino was highly tempted to shove a kunai down her ever-sluggish teammate's throat. It astounded her how one could be so lethargic! Every five minutes or so Shikamaru would request that they took a break from their strenuous activity, then would complain about how walking was a "pain in the ass" whenever Chouji refused his pleas until he devised a new plan to weasel out of the fishing trip. Plus, she would be mighty ticked if the scent of Asuma-sensei's cigar smoke lingered on her clothes. Her patience was sure thinning, and anyone who has made Ino's acquaintance would be quick to correct that Ino has little patience to thin.
The foursome arrived at the "Rent-a-Boat" stand, and once they took a glimpse at the fees, the three minors immediately stared at the elder in the group. Asuma crossed his arms defiantly and glared back at his students.
"No way am I going to pay for all this! This whole 'Team Bonding Day' was your guys' idea –''
"Hey! –"
"Except for you, Shikamaru, I know. Can I at least split the price?" Asuma asked, wondering why he was the "sufferable one" in the group. To his relief, Chouji nodded and Ino flashed him a brilliant smile.
"Of course, sensei! You can split the price with Shikamaru! Now, Chouji and I are going to pick out the boat and set up – meet us by the docks, okay?" And, before the other two had a chance to protest, Ino grabbed Chouji's arm and practically dragged him off, her pace quickening by each step. Flabbergasted, Shikamaru and Asuma watched the two dart off to wherever Ino's sinister heart desired.
"You know, sensei," Shikamaru started as he rummaged his pockets while his teacher mumbled under his breath, "one of these days I'm not going to let Ino use me as her traveling bank account," he finished, now counting what little of his money remained after dining at the barbecue restaurant earlier.
Asuma chortled. "Yeah, and then what will happen?"
Shikamaru shrugged. "Simple – my family will climb out of bankruptcy. Oh, and Ino will rip out my entrails."
After the two handled the expenses, they met Ino and Chouji at the docks, already in the boat and ready to embark on their fishing quest. During the next thirty minutes, both Ino and Asuma's attempts in catching fish proved unfruitful; Ino did have a close call, but when she averted her attention to "the stud at the "Rent-a-Boat stand," the monster fish swam away with her entire fishing pole. Meanwhile, Shikamaru was perfectly content with dozing the afternoon away as he lounged near the boat's bow, his feet dangling off the boat's edge, and his fishing pole long abandoned after two minutes of use. Chouji, who had recently caught his third fish of the day, proved to be a fisherman worthy of praise, and the one who carried all the team's dignity on his shoulders. Noticing Ino's frustration at both Shikamaru and fishing in general, he tapped her on the shoulder after unhooking his fish.
"Hey, do you want to swap out with Shikamaru for a while? He'll only complain for a few minutes if I wake him up right now."
Ino nodded vigorously. "Thanks, Chouji! I could use a break, and it's about time lazy ass here demonstrated some effort!" Just as she reeled in her fishing line, Asuma placed his own fishing rod down.
"Nah, don't worry about it, Ino – I'll take a break in your stead and Shikamaru can take my place. After all, it wouldn't be 'Team Bonding Day' if he didn't get to share in the fun, right?" Ino glared as her teacher reclined near the edge of the boat, soon falling asleep a few minutes later. As Asuma fell asleep, Chouji had finally convinced Shikamaru to waken.
"Ugh, Chouji! I was having a good dream, you know…" he whined while rubbing his eyes, still a bit groggy from his nap.
Agitated, Ino thrust Asuma's fishing pole in his face, the hook nearly poking out an eye. "It's your turn to fish for a while! And no complaining, because I don't care if you dreamt about winning a million dollars –''
"It was better than winning a million dollars –''
Ino screamed in irritation. "Whatever! Just take the damn pole! And what was so great about your dream?" she asked, although she could really care less about his response; she was more concerned about him joining Chouji and her in the mindless boredom that is fishing.
Shikamaru yawned, seated himself between Asuma and Chouji, then cast his fishing line into the water. "Well, it was exactly like this place – the lake and all the scenery was here – except there was one amazing difference: the silence. It was beautiful," Shikamaru recounted, seeming incredibly nostalgic, much to Ino's dismay.
"It's really amazing, what goes on in your subconscious – Shikamaru!"
"Eh?" he grunted as he glanced around the boat, almost trying to find what excited Ino.
"Something's pulling your line – hurry up and reel it in!" Chouji and Ino crowded behind their teammate, amazed he already had a catch.
"There is, isn't there?" he commented dryly. Grabbing his fishing pole, he held onto the reel but did nothing else. "Hey, this is all fine and dandy, but…" He noted the catch's strong tug on the line and figured it would require a lot of effort to pull it in. "Any of you guys want to take over?"
"No way, Shikamaru! You got this, man!" Chouji cheered his best friend on, slapping him on the back. Shikamaru glared at his two teammates.
"I better be paid for this," he threatened and unwillingly began hauling in the fish. After ten minutes, Shikamaru had already doubled what Chouji caught during thirty minutes.
Shikamaru sighed as he re-baited his hook for the seventh time. "All this standing up and sitting down is so annoying. What a pain," he agonized, returning to his former fishing spot. Ino was astounded – Shikamaru had caught six fish and she still had no proof of all her hard work. But, she was still pretty proud of him to actually contribute! Figuring that some credit was due, she left her own seat and patted him on the back.
"Hey, you're doing pretty good! We're gonna have the best dinner when this is all done, you know? And it's mostly thanks to you!"
Shikamaru turned from his fishing rod and faced her. "Meh, thanks. What can I say, I'm a man of many talents."
Ino slapped her forehead. "You know, Shika, I never thought that you'd ever have an ego -''
"BACK AWAY FROM THE NINJA!" a loud, feminine voice rang out, immediately awakening Asuma from his deep slumber. Confused, Ino removed her hand from Shikamaru's shoulder and looked for the owner of the voice; however, Chouji beat her to it.
"Is that…? No way!" he gasped, grabbing binoculars out of his backpack. Ino squinted in the direction Chouji was looking. She instantly recognized the three people in the boat approaching them from their left.
"Hey! It's those ninjas from Suna!" Soon enough, the ambience of the trio was audible to Team Ten, as the boat pulled in next to their own. They could already hear Temari and Kankuro fighting over who-knows-what, while Gaara shook his head in anxiety, reluctantly being dragged into whatever his older sister was currently planning. Shikamaru groaned at the sight of Temari, and muttered something along the lines of, "I think I'll be getting a quick snack," before attempting to retreat from the inevitable commotion. Much to his annoyance, she called out his name just as he was so close to escaping.
"Hey, Shika! What are you doing with these losers? Don'tcha want to come over with us?" she asked, battering her eyelashes in a certain way that bothered Ino, if her former comment hadn't already. Asuma shifted in his seat, the confrontation perking his interest – perhaps this dull trip was starting to shape up!
"What do you mean by 'these losers'?" Ino demanded, clearly forgetting the incident between Tenten and Temari back in the Chuunin Exams several months ago. "Is something going on between you two?" Although her question was directed towards Shikamaru, she continued glaring at the new presence, almost daring Temari to answer it instead.
Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. "I don't believe anything is going on –"
"So what if there is? What are you going to do about it?" Temari responded harshly, her last commented reduced to a low, threatening murmur, and she mimicked Ino's sly grin. However, her previous taunt instigated an uproar.
"I'll tell you what I'm going to do! I'm going to…"
"Hey punk! You're going out with my sister?"
"I feel really out-of-place here…"
"I didn't do anything - Trust me, I never do!"
"Shikamaru, I didn't know you had enough energy to be a player, heh heh heh…"
"Ouch! My hair!"
"Kankuro, shall we double team him?"
"STOP!"
All eyes were on Asuma, and he tried desperately not to laugh, especially at the two females in the group, who were still literally ripping each other's hair out.
"Okay, I have an idea on how to settle this. Are you guys up for it?"
"YES!" the majority responded, ignoring the small "no" several moments after. Grinning, Asuma resumed. This would be a great opportunity for him to ditch the fishing grounds while the minors were out competing.
"Do you guys remember that fishing competition? Well, it just so happens that it'll be starting in a little while. It would be pretty fitting if you settled your argument then instead of disrupting the peace and quiet here. What say you?"
"Yeah, sounds good."
"Why didn't we think of that earlier?"
"You can let go of my hair now."
"And I was looking forward to the fight…"
"So, why don't you guys sign up? I have some, uh," Asuma lit up another cigarette, "pressing matters to attend to -'' the others rolled their eyes at his blatant sarcasm, "but before that, a quick question. You Suna guys – why are you here?"
Gaara and Kankuro glared at Temari, who shrugged carelessly. "It was on a whim."
Following Asuma's departure, Team Suna and Team Ten prepared for the competition by stealing each other's equipment or, in Suna's case, filling their rivals' ice chest with sand, courtesy of Gaara. A few minutes before the contest began, Chouji pulled Ino aside.
"Hey, why don't you and Shikamaru battle this one out?" Chouji requested as he watched Ino dump out the ice chest's contents into a nearby trashcan. When she finished, Ino looked at him curiously, her eyes squinted in confusion.
"What do you mean? Of course we're battling them! What are you implying?" Ino handed him the ice chest and gestured for him to follow her back to the boat, only to receive a glum look and a lowered head in response.
"Nah, you guys, uh… work better together. Really, I'll be okay on my own!" He insisted, confusing Ino even more.
"Chouji – we're a team! But, you seem pretty hell-bent on this, although I don't understand why…" she raised an eyebrow at him, trying to read through his awkward mannerisms and request. "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive," he affirmed, handing back the ice chest. "Hey, it's starting in a few minutes, I better get to my position! Good luck!" Not waiting for a reply, he rushed off to his boat.
When all the contestants readied their supplies, the competition began. Both teams got off to a slow start; Team Suna's constant bickering resulted in them not even bothering to set sail for the first few minutes, while Team Ten was practically lacking a member, since Shikamaru was simply being Shikamaru.
"Why did I have to get dragged into this?" Shikamaru grumbled, not bothering to cast out his fishing line. To his irritation, Ino stepped in front of him, blocking his view of the lake. "Hey, why did you –''
"This is all your fault, Nara! What would convince you to go out with that Suna girl?" Ino insisted, tapping her foot impatiently.
Shikamaru shook his head. "You know, people just don't listen to me. Remember when I said, 'I don't believe anything is going on'?" Shikamaru lounged in his seat, stretching out his arms. "Temari was probably trying to tick you off, and she is mental – did you pick up on that?"
Ino nodded. "Yeah, sorry about that – but let's win this, alright?" Remembering the task at hand, she shoved a fishing rod at Shikamaru, who then dully toyed with it, absent-mindedly tossing it in the air from one hand to the other.
"I'll get right on that. Eventually."
"Shikamaru!"
Meanwhile, Team Suna hadn't progressed much either. With Kankuro and Temari, the main fishing powerhouses out of the trio, more concerned with arguing over "Lover Boy," a fuming Gaara remained to fish at the other end of the boat. Not only was he fed up with his siblings' incessant quarreling, but also he was plain furious at that Nara boy for "stealing his sister." There was no way he'd lose this competition, even if he had to single-handedly catch all the fish for his team!
That is, if he could: the fearsome Sabaku-no-Gaara couldn't fish to save his life. Many spectators and competitors were beginning to wonder why so many fishing poles were floating in the water, snapped in half and the lures discarded. After his last fishing rod was disposed of, he confronted his two fighting siblings.
"Hey –''
"My personal life is none of your business, Kankuro!"
"Yeah, but you're my sister, and this Nara idiot sounds like a real lowlife!"
"Since you guys are obviously not even going to bother fishing -"
"He is not a lowlife! If you just got to know him better…''
"Oh, I think I know him alright. For one, he's lazy as hell! He'll never treat you right!"
"Can I borrow a fishing rod?"
"Fine, go ahead."
"Really? I can beat him up?"
"No, I was talking to Gaara -''
"Gaara?"
"Yes, Gaara! And you called Nara an idiot?"
"Oh, screw it."
Tired of his siblings' ignorance, Gaara walked back to his side of the boat, performed some complex hand signs, and summoned sand out of his gourd. He grinned; sometimes, his own intelligence had to rival that cheap Shikamaru kid. Ironically, whenever any of the other teams caught a fish, they were stunned to find that it had disappeared before their very own eyes, but a small trace of sand was left behind in their boat. However, knowing Gaara's innocence and naivety, it was most likely a coincidence.
As the end approached, things seemed to be picking up for Ino's team. After several threats and much bribery on Ino's part, she managed to convince Shikamaru to fish.
"Great job, Shikamaru! We've got to be beating everyone else by far – but look at this!" Ino motioned to the fish bucket a few feet behind the two, and they peeked inside it. "Before, we had ten fish, and now we have only six! What's up?"
Shikamaru stared at the bucket for a few seconds, until he seemed to experience a revelation. He returned to his former spot while speaking slowly. "Ino, man the fish bucket, okay? Look closely – there's sand in the bucket, and you can probably figure out the rest."
Ino glanced back into the bucket and, sure enough, a few grains of sand were barely visible on a few of the fish. "Those idiots! Reducing to cheating all because they have zero talent in fishing! Hurry up, Shikamaru!" Ino cheered, blissfully oblivious to her hypocrisy. Five minutes later, the bell had rung and all the contestants returned the docks. After Team Suna and Team Ten handed in their fish buckets to the judges, they quickly regrouped and awaited the judges' announcement. Several more minutes of the agonizing delay, they had finally reached a verdict.
"And so, on this beautiful Saturday afternoon, we are happy to announce this year's winner of the annual Konoha Fishing Competition, more commonly referred to as the annual KFC!" The head judge applauded and the crowd followed suit, accompanied with shouts and jeers, courtesy of Ino and Temari. After the cheering had died down, the flamboyant judge continued. "This year's winner is…" he stopped, adding to the tension in the group.
Ino locked eyes with Temari and grinned slyly, then mouthed, "you're going down." The other responded with a particular rude hand gesture.
"Akimichi Chouji!"
"WHAT?"
Ecstatic in his victory against Team Suna, Chouji strolled up to the judge in all his glory and accepted his trophy, and even posed in a few pictures for the weekly Konoha newspaper. When Chouji returned to his teammates, Ino and Shikamaru congratulated him; Ino was arguably in higher spirits than Chouji himself.
"By the way, do you plan on sharing any of that prize money for next week's 'Team Bonding Day'?" Ino asked as they began their trip back home.
Chouji laughed. "Is that why you're being so nice to me, Ino?" He clapped her on the shoulder. "But I wouldn't hesitate in sharing it – let's save Shikamaru some money for his family, okay?"
Ino smiled. "Okay! But we're really happy for you! As long as Temari's team didn't win, then I would have been the happiest girl alive! Right, Shikamaru?"
Shikamaru shook his head. "Not really. You don't have to deal with her almost on a daily basis, do you?"
In the distance, a certain cigar-smoking ninja leaned against a tree, recently finished with his 'pressing matters,' watched the three walk off into the distance.
Asuma reflected upon the day's events. He knew one thing for sure – he had one peculiar team.