Title: Breathe Me (AKA Why Puffi And Bing Should Not Be Allowed To Roleplay. Ever.)
Author: puffitheinsane (Puffi The Insane) as Lithuania, alchemistofbing (AmoreBlack) as Denmark
Characters/Pairings: Denmark, Lithuania, mentions of... Well, pretty much everyone. Denmark/Lithuania (yes, seriously.)
Rated: PG-16, but will be NC-17 later
Summary: Help, I have done it again, I have been here many times before. I hurt myself again today; And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame... In which Lithuania finally gets a break, and Denmark gets cockwhipped.
Warnings: MENTIONS OF SEX. Crack, mentions of past abuse, OOC-ness in some parts xDD
Author's Notes: puffitheinsane: I REFUSE TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE. Seriously, gais. This thing? Is a monster. It's pushing 15k words, 27 pages with notes, and is overall a terrifying testament to how much this pairing works. Just... yeah. I don't know either.

alchemistofbing: 8DD Crack pairing ahoy~ (but it works. it does. rly.) IT MIGHT BE LONG BUT IT'S PORN, TOO. ABOUT TWO TIMES PORN. Hope we did good ||3

So some people think that the supermarket was not much of a nice, crazy place for Denmark – but its many sections (e.g. THE VEGETABLES) were a great source of happiness for the joyful Dane.

The smell of produce and the mere 'marketness', people bustling about busily in their everyday lives, the sight of kids pissing their parents off by grabbing random amounts of god knows how sweet that is in their trolleys.

Focus! He thought, sticking his nose against a stack of coffee packets, "Now where's that choco-cereal food thingie America mentioned the other day? Hmm."

A small brunette paused by the Dane, confusion flickering across the man's face. "...Denmark...? What are you doing here?" Lithuania asked slowly, adjusting the half-full basket on his arm, green eyes blinking in non-understanding.

Denmark hummed and tapped a finger on his pouted lip, not bothering to look down at the nation who had just dared open this Pandora's box, "That... that thingie... y'know... thingie..." He flipped the crinkly product in his palm, reading the front, mostly curious about the new brand of coffee/chocolate drink (must be another one of America's brainy ideas).

Another blink. "I... I'm afraid I don't know, Denmark." He had heard Estonia talking about Denmark before (and most of it wasn't good, but he couldn't imagine Finland saying such things, so he didn't know where the younger Baltic got it), but he'd always resolved never to make decisions about people until he met them.

Denmark, however, was proving to be... Rather strange.

The Dane snapped out of his reverie and finally looked down, his eyes lighting up and the usual bright grin dominating his face, "Oh hallo!" he squealed and shook a finger in front of Lithuania's face, "Youu... you're Estonia's bro, right?" He guffawed. He remembered him - Estonia and Latvia had become the bane of Sweden's week once, when they randomly ransacked one of his villages and killed some of his people in a sort of viking manhunt or whatever~ anyone who added a few shadows on Sve's face was a winner in Denmark's opinion.

Pulling back slightly in surprise, Lithuania blinked at the taller man, before nodding. "Well, we're not really brothers, but yes, I know Estonia." Lithuania shifted the basket on his arm again, picking up one of the coffee packages near where Denmark was standing and dropping it into said basket. Denmark really was a bit strange, apparently, but he couldn't be rude. And the man certainly wasn't anything like Russia...

Denmark scratched his cheek, "So what're you doing here, cuteface? Heey- need help with that thing?" he pointed at Lithuania's basket - although it didn't really look as full. The smaller nation reminded him a small, cute guinea pig for some reason. He grinned after noticing one interesting fact about the man in question~ "Are you wearing an APRON?"

"Um..." Lithuania shifted again, more uncomfortably this time, a light blush gracing his cheeks, "I-in order, shopping, no, thank you, a-and yes." His blush deepened and bit and he ducked his head, peering up at Denmark through his lashes.

Denmark stared at Lithuania for a while, a strange look on his face, and twitched. "I see..."

It was the apron. A bright yellow friggin apron. And what the hell was in his eyes, anyway?

"Well I'll just follow you around to be annoying!" He laughed, poking Lithuania's cheek with a teasing finger, the cereal product totally forgotten.

Lithuania looked up, startled, when Denmark poked him. "I-I don't t-think Poland would like that." He managed to stammer out. (What did he care what Poland thought?, demanded a small voice in his head, After all, he was the one who-. Lithuania shut the little voice up.)

"Whatever~ I'll just stalk you, anyway." He flapped a hand and snickered. "But hey, you'll help a guy in need, right?"

Unfortunately for our poor Lithuania, Denmark had something deadly in him. Call it a gene, a personality defect, annoying, or whatever you want to call it - but it was the impulsive need to get to know anyone he meets for the first time. It was just natural for the Dane to befriend random people 'round the streets and have a cup of coffee or just a walk anywhere. Didn't matter, really. Made things more interesting to get to know strangers.

But this guy wasn't a stranger, he thought, "Hey hey- who are you again?" at least not yet.

- plus he was wearing an apron.

Anyone wearing an apron was worth talking to. Denmark almost chuckled lecherously out loud.

Lithuania forced down the nervousness and offered Denmark a gentle, shy smile. "I'm Lithuania." Inwardly, he was vaguely worried as to what Denmark meant by him 'helping a guy in need', but he chided himself for being so paranoid (although after living with Russia for almost two hundred years, one couldn't really blame him) and offered his hand for the blond to shake.

The guy's handshake was surprisingly firm. Denmark's smile widened and gave it a hard shake that Lithuania almost flew off somewhere if not for gravity, thank the gods for gravity.

"See- there's this chocolate cereal thingie Four-eyes mentioned the other day while England and him were fucking around in one of Sweden's Ikea branches," he ignored the strange sound from the smaller man and continued, "I can't find the fucking thing."

He didn't mention his problem with directions. And asking for directions in general.

The brunette blinked, apparently not even phased by the disturbingly strong handshake (maybe he was a little too used to America and Russia...), before tilting his head. "I think I heard Mister America talking about that a while back..." He brought one hand up to rest against his chin, index finger tapping lightly against his lower lip, before he spoke again,"Do you happen to remember the name?"

"Er-" the Dane shifted on the soles of his foot and rocked back and forth, his embarrassment almost evident, "I was a bit preoccupied with Foureyes and his cock in Iggy's ass.... so I guess no."

The last comment was met with a startled stare, before Lithuania's face flared red and he averted his eyes. "I-I see. W-would you like me t-to ask him the name next time I see him?" He stammered, shifting uncomfortably because that particular scenario was really a mental image he did not particularly want or need.

"Are you kidding me?" Denmark flailed... and it was really ridiculous to see a grown man flail like that, really, "I do not need his help!" Lithuania could almost hear the battle music with that sentence, "Besides, why ask him when I can ask you to instead! Oi oi~ lead me to the cereal box section, market man!"

Another startled jerk, but Lithuania slowly nodded before pointing. "It's... In that direction, I believe." He offered. Denmark was starting to scare him a little.

Well, he was still better than Russia...

The blond spiky-head reared right in front of Lithuania's startled face as the Dane leaned forward to check out where Lithuania was pointing. Denmark hummed and nodded, "Okay... right. Got it. I see. Yep..... wait, where is it again?" He gave Lithuania a sheepish grin and scratched the back of his head.

Lithuania leaned back slightly in surprise due to the sudden proximity of the taller man. "..It's... It's right down the aisle, Denmark."

"Ahahah~ don't worry, little one, I don't bite." he gave Lithuania a friendly pat on the shoulder and grinned, "Hell I'll give you candy if you just come along with me! I'm sure Poland won't mind if I drag you out for a little bit of... fun."

Not threatening. Not at all.

"Whaddaya say?" add a little pout there, a wibble here... and the puppy dog eyes of doom, "You hurt my feewings." the man actually managed a pathetic sniffle with that.

Most nations would have been able to shove him away, hit him, ignore him, whatever. But Denmark had (amazingly) managed to pick one of the two nations who would cave at the slightest sign of tears. "Ah... Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt for me to stay a little while..."

"Great!" his face did a whole 180 degree turn from pathetic to idiotic within seconds. He gave Lithuania another hard pat at the back, although his next few sentences sounded a bit too husky for Lithuania's liking, "You know, Lithuania, I know a great way to pass the time."

An hour later, Denmark was pulling him toward a local Amusement Park, laughing like a giddy child. With crack.

TBC