So, let's start with my usual introduction to a new tale. What is this story? This is a step back in time, to the weeks between where ME1 leaves off and ME2 begins. That mysterious time that is never truly addressed in the games, and I have only alluded to briefly in my other stories. When I looked back and reviewed the timeline of my stories, I realized that there was this giant chunk of time relatively unaccounted for. And more importantly, this chunk of time was some of the most significant in Sophia and Liara's relationship. Because of the way I left "All Things Pass" and began "Sub Specie Aeternitatis," this span of time had to be where they really started their relationship. At the end of "All Things Pass," Shepard gives up her need for control in order to be with Liara. But there is still so much uncertainty, so much more left for them to figure out. In "Sub Specie Aeternitatis," I established that they had built a functional - albeit secretive - relationship where they grew closer and thought of themselves as a couple. However, neither had gotten to the point of saying the all important L word: Love.
Now, I've always known, in a general sense, what happened in this unaccounted time period. However, at some point, this vague understanding didn't satisfy me anymore. I wanted to know how Shepard got over all her emotional baggage, how Liara began to overcome her social awkwardness, how they both figured out how to care about another person. So, I began fleshing it all out. And in doing so, I discovered things. Some surprising, some amusing, some sad, others heartwarming, and some were awfully romantic. What I discovered was a story about love at its beginning, before either person truly understands what they have that's worth holding onto so dearly. And I think that is a story worth sharing.
I feel like this goes without saying, but to be on the safe side I will say it anyway. Since this takes places before "Sub Specie Aeternitatis," "Never Again," and "After" none of the stuff that happens in those stories has happened yet. Meaning certain character arcs have not occurred, certain relationships are not fully developed yet, and issues that have been resolved later are not resolved now. I am quite serious when I say this is all about love at its beginning. In all its clumsy glory.
A few words about this chapter specifically: Oh my god, Shepard is super awkward. I always knew Sophia was not as put together deep down as she likes to seem on the surface. I knew she had some identity problems. But holy crap, even I was surprised by how timid she is when it comes to relationships. I spent half of this chapter laughing at how comically irrational she is, and the other half wanting to kick her ass out of her comfort zone. I have to admit though, I find her a lovable dunce. She may be dysfunctional, but so is Liara, so they were kind of made for each other. They really just want to do what's right and they have such a hard time figuring out what that is.
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Losing Control
Shepard had meant to call. She really had. She felt like a complete jerk for practically disappearing after the battle for the Citadel. The last time she'd seen Liara was three days ago, when she'd limped away from Sovereign's wreckage and then had been immediately scooped up by the Council. As they'd dragged her away, she only managed to tell Liara and Wrex that they should rejoin the others back at the Normandy. Shepard had hoped to return there herself after warning the council that Saren was just the beginning of the Reaper threat, but instead the Alliance had escorted her to the hospital to have her injuries looked at and had kept a close eye on her ever since. From then on, it had been a slew of debriefings, hearings, and worst of all, public relations.
The Alliance had generously decided not to court marshal her for disobeying orders and saving the Citadel plus earning humanity a seat on the council. After that they politely pretended to listen to her warnings about the Reapers, and then scheduled several photo shoots for new recruitment posters and meetings with the press. It was hell.
Now, while getting dressed for an award ceremony to honor the heroes of the Battle of the Citadel, Shepard felt her gut twist uncomfortably at the thought of seeing Liara again. Shepard was alone in her apartment, a small residence she owned in the Alliance zoned section of the Citadel. Her superiors had ordered her to stay there so that she would be close at hand if they needed her. Truth be told, she'd been so busy that'd she'd hardly been there at all. For the moment the commander found herself alone, with just enough time to change into her dress blues before heading to the ceremony. She knew that the asari would be there, along with the rest of her crew, since they would be receiving medals of valor. Yet, Shepard had no idea what she would say to Liara.
She liked Liara - more than she could say - but caring about someone meant doing what was best for them. As much as it pained Shepard to admit it, she wasn't the best thing for Liara. In an ideal world, Liara would find a way to continue her research on the protheans and move on, eventually finding some smart scientist to settled down with and have all the securities of a stable relationship. With Shepard, stability would never be an option. She'd already put Liara through hell: dragging her all around the galaxy, forcing her to witness her own mother's demise, dodging their feelings for one another because Shepard couldn't let go of her need for control, and then sleeping with her only to disappear for days without a word. Liara deserved better than that. She deserved better than Shepard.
The trouble was that Shepard's heart wasn't prepared to relinquish Liara. While she polished her dress shoes, her thoughts quickly floated away from her work and drifted towards the night before Ilos. She remembered the moment when, looking into Liara's eyes, she had decided to let go. Let go of her doubts, her reservations, all the things that were holding her away from another person. It had been terrifying, like losing all the things that kept her safe and secure. And then she had kissed Liara, felt the asari twine her body around hers, and suddenly she didn't care about the things she had lost. They seemed so insignificant next to the excitement of Liara's touch. At the time, it had seemed that no matter how many times Shepard kissed Liara, or ran her hands along her body, that she couldn't get enough. She had needed Liara like she needed air.
The meld had been even more terrifying. At first, Shepard had recoiled from the mental connection, throwing up barriers in her mind instantly. Liara had been patient, allowing Shepard to work through her own fears and eventually open up to her. They'd started small, shared sensory which allowed them to feel what the other felt, and then progressed to deeper things. Shared thoughts and emotions, their personalities mingling in a sort of shared consciousness. When Shepard allowed herself to let go, she had found the connection comforting. It soothed a loneliness that she had held close to her heart for many years.
Sighing, Shepard set down her polishing rag and went to her closet to retrieve her uniform. As she began to put it on, she thought, You shared something meaningful with Liara and then just ran away. She probably thinks it meant absolutely nothing to you. Shepard really should have called, at least. Written an email. Anything. Anything was better than silence.
"Hey, sorry I didn't call or anything. I was so busy doing stuff for the Alliance and was afraid of getting caught for fraternization," she said aloud to herself, hearing just how lame of an excuse that was. She tried to think of a way to explain her actions without sounding sleazy. So far, no success.
"Well, we knew this wasn't going to be a very functional relationship," Shepard sighed, trying to make herself feel a little better. It didn't help. She felt like a total scumbag. She wondered whether Liara felt like the commander had taken advantage of her. Shepard couldn't help feeling like she had. Sleeping with someone and then not even bothering to call was pretty low. Sleeping with someone and then keeping it a secret because you wanted to save your own skin was even lower.
Shepard covered her face with her hands and groaned. Liara probably hated her now. She'd managed to really screw this up. Well, it was probably for the best, she decided. She wasn't good enough for Liara anyway.
Taking a deep breath, Shepard squared her shoulders and looked at herself in the mirror. She could practically hear her father's voice, telling her that everyone made mistakes, but a good person owned up to their mistakes. Sometimes there's nothing you can do to make someone forgive you, he had said. Sometimes you have to admit that you were wrong and accept whatever happens next. Even if the other person just wants to stay angry with you.
Giving herself a stern look, Shepard said, "Ok, you just need to face it that you screwed this up. It won't do any good to pity yourself and wish you hadn't. The only thing you can do now is go up to Liara, apologize for being an ass, and then accept that she'll probably never want to see you again."
Her reflection frowned back at her. This was going to be extremely difficult.
~.~.~.~.~
The Normandy crew all arrived together. Shepard first caught sight of Liara standing between Ashley and Tali, dressed in one of her usual lab outfits and seemingly oblivious to the fact that everyone else was dressed more formally. Which, of course, Shepard found incredibly endearing and it served as an extra knife in her gut since she knew that she'd lose Liara soon. The commander greeted the entire crew warmly, stealing a few glances at Liara to try to gauge her mood. She felt like even more of a scumbag for pretending like there was nothing between them, but with so many eyes watching she had to be careful. To her surprise, Liara did nothing to even remotely suggest that they had any kind of intimate relationship. She acted like her usual self, shy and reserved. She spoke only a little to Shepard, and otherwise seemed to simply observe the interactions of others. Shepard suspected that this was a bad sign. If Liara was already comfortable ignoring Shepard, then she would have no problem making that their permanent state.
Worry distracted Shepard throughout the entire ceremony. During the presentation of the medals, she imagined potential conversations with Liara in which the asari called her every sort of derogatory name. Sometimes she tried to defend her actions in these imaginary arguments, but mostly she felt like she deserved every single insult.
Finally, during the reception, she caught sight of Liara standing alone at one of the food tables. The ceremony had been held at a large estate on the Citadel that was apparently built just to accommodate elite events. It was human owned and thus modeled after ancient European architecture. A sprawling mansion with expansive grounds where the banquet was set up, and several gardens and courtyards surrounding. Hurrying over to the tables, Shepard laid a hand gently on the asari's arm and asked, "Can we talk?"
Liara turned her head, looking surprised at first, and then she nodded. "Yes, we probably should."
"One of these courtyards should be empty. Follow me." Shepard led her to the nearest pathway leading away from the reception. She kept an eye out to make sure no one had taken an interest in their departure, but everyone else seemed absorbed in their own conversations. They slipped behind an impressive topiary display and found themselves in a small, but empty courtyard surrounded on all sides by high rose bushes. A fountain stood in the center, quietly gurgling water, and a few benches were spread out in a square.
Shepard and Liara stood near the fountain, facing each other only a few feet apart. The commander desperately tried to read the expression on Liara's face, but the meaning eluded her. Taking a deep breath, she decided that she should just say what she needed to say and get it over with.
"Liara, I..." she began, struggling to find the words. "I'm sorry I haven't called you or tried to talk to you over the last few days. And I'm sorry that I'm acting like there's nothing between us back there. I want you to know that it's just me being selfish and an ass, and it has nothing to do with you. You're amazing and I'm just... I don't know what I'm doing."
To her surprise, Liara tilted her head in confusion. "What do you mean?" she asked. "You told me before that you would get in trouble if people knew about us."
Those words suddenly brought Shepard up short. She'd been expecting a much different reaction. "Wait, you're not mad?"
"Why would I be? You made no promises to me. I knew when I came to you before Ilos that you were still uncertain about starting a relationship. I made the choice that I wanted to be with you, at least that one time, even if it would be the last time."
Shepard's whole understanding of the situation went completely out the window. "Liara, no, I - I could never -" she sputtered, trying to get a handle on her own feelings. Did this mean that Liara didn't think sleeping together changed anything between them? Did it mean that Shepard had just been used? The commander took another deep breath to calm herself and said, "I'm not the type of person who just wants a one night stand. I'm not good at being vulnerable, Liara. When we were together... that required me to let go of my control. It required me to give up a lot. It wasn't just something casual for me."
"Oh," Liara murmured, and then she was silent, thinking and looking at Shepard with those sapphire eyes. Finally she said, "I must admit that I am... I am very happy to hear you say that. I thought that I was alone in my feelings and..." She put a hand to her head and suddenly sat down on the flat, stone edge of the fountain, looking deeply troubled.
Shepard instinctively moved towards her, putting out a hand in case Liara collapsed completely. "Are you alright?" she asked, alarmed. "What's wrong?"
Liara shook her head. "I am fine. Sorry, I just... I felt a little overwhelmed suddenly." She lifted her face to look at Shepard again. "I had assumed that with the Citadel saved and Saren defeated, you would move on to a new mission, and since I would have little reason to stay on the Normandy, I would be left behind. I had assumed that you would desire an end to our relationship so that you could focus on your next goal. But now your words are suggesting that is not the case and... and I am becoming very confused."
That was the razor to the gut that Shepard had been expecting. Did Liara really think she was capable of such a thing? Using a person for a brief moment of pleasure and then tossing them aside the second they became a hindrance? "I know that I can be harsh in my battlefield tactics," Shepard said, "but I could not use a person like that. I know my actions have been selfish, but... I would never want to hurt you, Liara. I hope you believe that."
Liara's face was a mask of concentration. For a while the only sound was the gentle gurgling of the fountain and the distant murmur of the party guests. Then, Liara said quietly, "I do believe that, Shepard." The asari averted her eyes, looking down at her hands which rested folded in her lap. "I think maybe I should be the one apologizing. When I was trying to sort through -" she thought for a moment, trying to think of the right word, "-us," she finally decided. "I allowed myself to be distracted by thinking of you as Commander Shepard, rather than who you are as a person. And I should have known better. There has always been two sides to you. One, Commander Shepard, the woman who must always be the pillar of strength, the leader, the example. The woman who cannot appear mortal, who cannot have feelings for someone else. And two, Sophia Shepard, the woman who befriended me when everyone else thought I could not be trusted. The woman who shows a deep sensitivity to the feelings of others, who is constantly trying to figure out what is right and do it." Liara raised her eyes to meet Shepard's violet ones again. "The first woman, I respect and admire. The second woman, I care deeply for. It is... a confusing mix of emotions. When I asked myself, 'What would be best for Commander Shepard?' I decided that I would just be a distraction. That it would be best if I gave up on trying to have anything more than your friendship. I did not ask myself 'What would be best for Sophia Shepard?'"
The dark haired woman found herself suddenly weak in the knees and she sat down next to Liara. It felt so strange, so alien, to know that someone else was prepared to sacrifice for her sake. To know that Liara had been prepared to leave when she thought it would be best for Commander Shepard. And that she was now prepared to stay if she thought it would be best instead. People did not sacrifice for Commander Shepard. Her job was to sacrifice all that she could so that others did not have to.
Her mouth felt dry and she swallowed in order to find her voice. "Did you think about what would be best for Liara?" she asked softly.
"Oh, I know what would be best for me," the asari said with a shrug. "I have known for some time."
Shepard stared down at her feet because she did not trust herself to look at Liara. Even though she knew mentally that she wasn't the best thing for Liara, she still didn't know if she could bear to hear it.
"These last few days," Liara went on, "I have been thinking back to my work on the protheans. The hours spent digging and studying and alone. If you had asked me a few months ago how I felt about those years, I would have told you that they were the happiest of my life. That I was doing what made my life worthwhile. And yet... now, when I remember those times, I feel like there was something missing. I find myself imagining, 'What if Shepard had been there with me?' I have always enjoyed solitude, but I think I would have enjoyed sharing that solitude with you."
Shepard raised her face, her brows furrowed in confusion. It seemed impossible for her brain to make sense of what Liara had said. Her skills as a soldier would be useless at a dig site. She wasn't a scientist either, so she couldn't help Liara with her research. People wanted Commander Shepard for her skills, for her ability to beat the odds. Her brain simply could not fathom why Liara would want her around if she wouldn't be any help. She could not fathom why anyone would want her and not Commander Shepard.
"Now if you asked me how I felt about the past few months spent aboard the Normandy," Liara continued, "with you and the rest of the crew, hunting down a rogue spectre and living in constant anxiety and fear... I would say that those were the best years of my life so far. I think you made all the difference, Shepard. I think that what is best for me, is you."
"I - I don't know what to say," Shepard stammered. It felt like her whole world had been shot into an uncontrollable tailspin and she was fighting to regain control. "I haven't done anything to deserve you."
Liara smiled then, a smile so sweet that Shepard's heart felt full of softening showers. "You are you," she said. "And that is enough."
Struck speechless, Shepard just sat there dumbly. If the stone rim she sat on hadn't been so solid, she imagined she would have toppled over into the fountain. Maybe the cold water would have helped clear her head.
Before she could say anything, indistinct voices sounded nearby. Shepard's body stiffened and she strained to hear, pinpointing the voices from somewhere just behind the high rose bushes. Then she heard one, a woman's voice, say, "Where did Commander Shepard get off to? I wanted to get an interview."
The other voice, this one male, said with a hint of humor, "Maybe she ran off for a different kind of reward, if you know what I mean."
"I wish," the female replied dryly. "Catching Commander Shepard in the act would be huge. But the way that woman acts, I'm pretty sure she has no idea what sex is."
The man laughed in response.
Reporters, Shepard thought. Her stomach tightened. If they found her and Liara alone together it wouldn't quite be the gold mine that the female reporter wanted, but it would be enough to tarnish her reputation. Not to mention Liara would undoubtedly feel the backlash. A secret lover had been the downfall of countless figures throughout history.
Keeping her voice hushed, Shepard said, "We should split up for now. Will you meet me on Level 28 of the Zakera Ward?"
Liara tilted her head. "We could leave now," she suggested. "I am sure we can slip away unnoticed."
Shepard shook her head. "It'll be best if we are seen leaving at different times. Plus, I need to talk with Anderson in order to make a clean get away. I'll meet you soon. I promise."
Liara nodded her understanding. "I will wait there for you." She rose and slipped out of the courtyard. Shepard took a deep breath, still trying to get her emotions under control, and waited a few minutes before returning to the party. Melting back into the crowd, she acted as if she had been drifting from conversation to conversation all along. A few reporters spotted her and asked some questions, but she answered them while steadily making her way towards Anderson. He stood chatting with some other Alliance officers, and when she reached him she lightly touched his arm and whispered, "Can I talk to you for a minute, Sir?"
He smiled and nodded, excusing himself from the other conversation and walking a little ways away with Shepard. She kept her voice low so that others couldn't eavesdrop. "I was hoping I could sneak out of here, Sir. Maybe if you'll cover for me..."
He patted her on the back and said, "Of course, Shepard. You deserve a break. I'll make excuses for you if anyone comes asking where you got off to."
"Thank you, Sir," she said, relieved.
She started to go, but he pulled her back. "Wait, Shepard. I also wanted to tell you that I'll run interference for you tomorrow as well."
"What?"
"I know the Alliance has been hounding you for the last three days, and I don't think that's fair given everything you've just been through. You deserve a day off. I'll make sure the Alliance stays off your back for a day."
Her eyes widened. "Thank you, Sir."
He waved his hand. "No, no, think of it as a thank you gift from me for getting the job done. I knew I could count on you, Shepard. I only wish I could do more."
"No, that's wonderful," she assured him. Maybe a day would be enough time for her to figure out exactly where she and Liara stood. "I really appreciate it, Sir."
He smiled and nodded. "Alright, get out of here, Shepard. I'll keep the vultures away." He returned to the other conversation and Shepard headed the opposite direction. She kept an eye out for anyone following her, and when she was satisfied that no one was paying her any mind, she slipped away from the party. Walking briskly from the estate, she navigated away from the Presidium and down into the Wards. She was already on the Zakera arm of the Citadel, now she just had to descend to the right level. As she passed by strangers, her full dress blues attracted some stares and she realized that she was not only dressed too nicely for the Wards, but that she was too recognizable a person to go unnoticed. As she walked, she unbuttoned her officer's jacket and slipped it off, revealing the black tank top that she wore underneath. She folded the jacket on her arm so that the medals were hidden, and then undid her usual military bun so that her black hair fell down to her shoulders. Satisfied that she was now receiving less stares, she continued on to find Liara.
She found the asari waiting beside an advertisement for Tupari sports drinks and quickly jogged up to her. When Liara saw Shepard, she said, "You always look so different with your hair down. I almost did not recognize you."
"That's the idea," Shepard replied with a grin. "Having a distinct look portrayed in the media makes it easier for me to disguise myself if I need to."
Liara looked around the rest of the Ward and asked, "So, why did you ask me to meet you here and not the Normandy?"
"Do you like drell food?" Shepard asked abruptly.
Liara blinked at the change of subject and then replied slowly, "I have never tried it."
"Do you like spicy food?"
"Yes."
"Then you will probably like drell." She held out her hand to Liara and added, "I know a great place nearby that does drell takeout. Would you like to try it?"
Liara looked a little uncertain, but she delicately reached out and took Shepard's hand. She allowed the commander to lead her through the crowds, past the various neon signs and noisy shops. The smell of all kinds of food filled the air, their alien scents mingling to give the Ward a unique flavor. The Citadel never slept and the streets were alive with energy. It almost felt as if the air pulsed with life, beating like a heart.
Shepard led them to what could only be described as a stall. Sandwiched between a larger, sit-down restaurant and an omni-tool repair shop, sat a narrow counter in front of a wide grill. There was no place to sit and the only menu Liara could see were a few alien words scribbled on the counter. Behind the grill stood a tall drell, his skin a muted orange. Behind him stretch the rest of his kitchen, which was not really more than a sink, a few stove tops, and a pile of pots and pans and utensils. Another drell was already at the counter, talking with the owner while he prepared some food on the grill. Shepard decided to wait a few paces back, still holding Liara's hand. She leaned in towards the asari and whispered, "The drell who owns this place is pretty old. He came here a long time ago, before humans even showed up. And he hasn't updated his translator in ages, so he doesn't understand a word I say to him."
Liara tilted her head. "Then how do you order food?"
Shepard grinned. "I had to learn some words in Drell."
"Really?"
"Not much. I can count to ten, say 'this' and 'yes' and 'no.' Oh, and 'thanks.' So far that's been enough to get by with him."
"Does he recognize you by now?"
"Yeah, kind of. But he doesn't really seem to trust other races besides drell and hanar. I think he's warming up to me though. Since my translator is up-to-date I can understand everything he says just fine even though he can't understand me. He doesn't really seem to get that though. I think he assumes that because he can't understand me that I can't understand him. At least, he's stopped saying some of the more offensive things now that he's gotten used to me." She chuckled at that and Liara grinned too.
"Well, the asari were the first to discover the Citadel. His translator can probably interpret Asari. Should I try speaking to him?" Liara asked.
Shepard shook her head. "What fun would that be? I think it's a lot more fun to watch me struggle across the language barrier."
The other drell was leaving with his food and the pair stepped up to the counter. When the old drell spotted Shepard he blinked one set of his eyelids, looking slightly unsure, and then recognizing her despite her changed appearance, he mumbled, "Oh, it's you."
She smiled politely back at him as if she hadn't heard. Liara looked down at the counter and the strange language written there. Looking back at Shepard, she asked, "How do we know what to order?"
"Oh, it's a guessing game mostly," Shepard replied lightheartedly. "But so far I haven't tried anything I disliked. Why don't you let me order for you? I'll just pick two of my favorite dish."
Liara nodded and Shepard looked back at the drell. Pointing to one of the words on the counter, she said, "Koki. Sesa." Liara's translator translated the phrase to, "This. Two," but the foreignness of the accent was still plain coming out of Shepard's mouth.
The drell grunted and turned his back to them while he reached into some cabinets for supplies. He pulled out containers of strange foods and began throwing things onto the grill. Liara watched eagerly, her eyes lit with interest. Shepard, however, watched Liara, taking in how beautiful she looked. How happy. She still didn't think that she deserved Liara, but she hoped to change that.
She was keenly aware of the feel of Liara's hand in hers. So soft in comparison to her own, but roughly the same size. Their hands were merely cupped together, and Shepard thought about interlacing their fingers, but she feared being too forceful. She felt lucky that Liara wasn't mad at her, that she wanted to spend time with Shepard at all. The commander didn't feel confident enough to push her luck at the moment.
"So, she's found a little mate," she heard the drell mutter to himself. Shepard had to suppress a grin; she didn't want him to catch on that she could understand him perfectly. People were much more honest when they thought you weren't listening. Looking back to the grill, she could see him only glancing at them from time to time. The sizzling and popping of the food drowned out much of the other noise, but she could still hear his mutterings. "Or maybe she is a he? I cannot tell these humans apart very well."
Liara exchanged a glance with Shepard and also hid a smile behind her hand. He finished cooking the rest of their meal in silence and packaged it for them. Shepard paid with her credit chit and took the bag with her free hand. "Esclipalia," she said, which meant 'thank you' in Drell.
They started to go, but the drell held up his hands and said, "Wait." He grabbed something from a cupboard under the grill and pushed it across the counter towards them. A small container held what looked like a cake, though it was bright red in color. Shepard picked it up curiously and then pointed to herself as if to say, "For us?" He nodded back, though his expression never really softened. Still, Shepard found the gesture touching.
"It is not so bad," the drell muttered. "For a human."
Shepard had to bite her tongue to keep from laughing. On the one hand, she was thrilled to have finally won his approval. On the other hand, she wasn't sure how she felt about being demoted to an it. She bowed her head and thanked him again before she and Liara turned to go.
"You have quite the talent for crossing intergalactic borders," Liara commented, smiling.
"I guess so," Shepard replied back happily. "Though I think he probably just liked you and decided to cut me a break."
Liara laughed and then said, "So, where to now? Do we eat on the street?"
"I have an apartment not too far from here," Shepard said. "I figured we could eat and talk there without having to worry about anyone listening in. If that's ok with you."
"That is fine," Liara said. "Lead the way."
They wove their way through the crowds once more, traveling down various hallways until the areas became distinctly more and more human. Eventually they stepped onto the Alliance owned portion of the Citadel. Shepard kept a lookout for anyone she might know, but the area was fairly empty that night. They ignored several office buildings and found the living quarters, huge buildings of small, tightly packed apartments for higher ranking personnel. Shepard unlocked the door of her apartment and flipped on the lights to reveal her small living space. There was a living room, which contained only a coffee table, TV, and a couch; a kitchen, which was probably the most interesting part of the home because Shepard kept it fully stocked with supplies; a bathroom, that contained only a cramped shower, toilet, and sink; and the bedroom, with a full bed, a dresser, a closet, a bookshelf, and nothing more.
Setting the bag of food down on the coffee table, Shepard said, "Have a seat, Liara." Then she ducked into the kitchen to fetch two glasses of water and silverware. When she returned, Liara had seated herself on the couch and Shepard sat down next to her, handing her a glass and a fork. Taking out the containers of food, she handed one to the asari and said, "So, if you don't like it, just tell me and I'll fix you something else to eat. But I don't think you will be disappointed. A lot of people haven't tried drell food, but I think it's pretty great."
One thing that could certainly be said for drell food was that it was probably the most colorful cuisine on the Citadel. Every dish contained bright reds and greens, yellows and oranges, even blues and purples. Shepard had no idea whether they were eating the drell equivalent of fruits or vegetables or even meat because it tasted like nothing she had ever tried before. Liara took a bite of it and immediately said, "By the Goddess, you were not kidding, Shepard. This is quite spicy."
"Is that ok?" Shepard asked. "Is it too hot for you?"
Liara shook her head. "No, it is good. It is unlike anything I have ever tried, but in a good way."
Shepard smiled, relieved.
"How did you come to try it though?" Liara asked, as she continued to eat. "It seems like an adventurous choice."
"Oh, I love food," Shepard replied. "It's just... something I took away from my brother, Andrew. He dreamed of being a master chef and I... well, I was always his test subject." She laughed. "So, I never grew up as a picky eater and his love of cooking kind of rubbed off on me. I'm not a great chef like he was, but it's sort of a hobby. As for drell food, well, I tried it because it looked so interesting. Then I fell in love with it. Someday, when I have more time on my hands, I'll learn how to prepare it. Maybe I'll finally learn what the hell I'm actually eating." She laughed again.
Liara smiled back. "I remember you saying once before that you would cook a human dish for me. To make up for my blunder with the cereal."
"I will," Shepard answered eagerly. "I mean, if you want me to."
"I would like that."
Shepard nodded and took a few more bites of food. Then, cautiously, she changed the subject by saying, "So, should we go back to what we were talking about before? About us?"
"I suppose we should." The atmosphere around them became instantly more tense. Shepard could not pinpoint exactly why the situation was so awkward for them; perhaps because it felt like they had skipped a couple of steps and gotten things all jumbled in the process. In an ideal world, they would have started dating, had a first kiss, fallen in love, and then slept together. But instead circumstances had more or less thrown them together and they had jumped ahead to the last part and now were lost as to where to go. Did they just rewind and start at the beginning and pretend like Ilos had never happened? Shepard felt her stomach twist painfully at the realization that not only did she have no idea what Liara wanted, but she also had no idea what she wanted either. Part of her wanted to slam on the brakes, insist on taking things slow and giving her mind time to adjust. The other part of her wanted to push Liara down onto the couch and rip off her clothes. It was... a confusing mix of emotions.
Trying to order her thoughts, Shepard decided to address one issue that still made her feel like a scumbag. "Liara, earlier you said that you understood that I'm sort of two people. I'm me, but I'm also Commander Shepard, and that identity makes things... difficult. I feel like a complete ass for saying this, but if we want to be together, then it is best if no one else knows."
Instead of being angry, which Shepard thought was the more appropriate reaction, Liara just shrugged. "I suspected as much," she said. "Your reputation is just as important as your actual skills."
Shepard shifted her weight uncomfortably. The whole thing still left an awful taste in her mouth. "I don't want you to think it's because I'm ashamed or anything."
"I know," Liara answered with a smile. "You should trust that I can be very logical and practical, Shepard. I am not the type of woman to be ruled by my emotions. Although, the fact that it makes you so uncomfortable is touching. But to be honest, I do not know if I would want everyone we know to ask me questions about it anyway." She blushed slightly. "I can only imagine what kind of things Chief Williams would say."
Shepard found herself smiling and feeling reassured. Knowing that Liara preferred privacy as well helped to assuage some of her guilt. Letting the matter drop, Shepard wondered if she should say anything else. She considered mentioning her own mixed feelings about how intimate they should be, but she couldn't find enough courage to do so. Perhaps it would be best to wait on that. At least until she had a better idea of what they both wanted.
For the moment, though, she felt that pushing for any kind of physical intimacy was a bad idea. Given how fragile things seemed, it would be best to just work on their emotional connection. Rising to her feet, Shepard picked up the remnants of the meal and threw away the containers in the trash. Coming back, she said, "Well, for now, why don't we just relax and watch a movie? What's your favorite movie, Liara?"
The asari rubbed the back of her neck. "Oh, well, my favorite movie is a documentary about prothean ruins... I do not watch a lot of popular movies."
Shepard laughed. "Ok, let's pick something at random then." She sat back down on the couch and activated the TV with her omni-tool. She accessed her movie selection and then pressed one at random. As the movie began, she leaned back into the couch cushions and put an arm around Liara's shoulders. She was relieved when Liara scooted in closer and snuggled up against her. Maybe we're already really comfortable with each other, Shepard thought. Maybe this won't be too hard to figure out.
They sat content in each other's company and eventually both fell asleep during the movie, curled up together. It wasn't the actual beginning of their relationship - that had come before - but it was the start of something new all the same.