This is my first Avengers FanFic. Please let me know what you think!
Disclaimer: I am not associated and I do not profit from this story.
It was another night in the lab. I really need to remember to go to bed sometimes. Hulk sore; I know big guy.
"Brucey! Bruce, are you awake? Well, you are now!"
Oh great. Tony is awake, and he is sober. I almost like that guy better when he is hammered. He is easier to manipulate that way.
Tony tossed the door open with his elbow as he stumbled in with Starbucks in his hands. " Let's go on an adventure today big guy!"
"Who are you calling 'big', as I recall, you weigh more than me..."
Tony grabbed what I hoped was a clean shirt from my room and threw it at me. " Get dressed, you look like shit".
" Thanks buddy, I could say the same..." Tony was still in his Ironman suit and he was coated in a layer of what looked like drywall. And, he was tracking it all over my lab. (Little known fact, the Hulk is a neat freak). Breathe.
"We are going for a drive!" The iron maiden announced.
"Tony, we do not like cars, I thought you agreed no more cars after we crushed your vintage mustang"
"But this is reaaaalllly important, Brucey! I have been thinking... The Avengers need a mascot!"
"NO! I know what you are thinking! No animals! Pets are a big responsibility Tony, and quite frankly, you don't have the best memory for a genius..."
"But come on! You could be the mom and I could be the daddy! For obvious reasons, I would wear the pants in the relationship, you know, because yours come off so often..."
"Stark!" I need to stay me right now big guy, please stay away! Damn.
And there goes my new shirt.
"Yay, Hulk! Let's go for a walk! You don't eat small animals...right?"
"Hulk. Smash!"
"Hmmm...I'll figure something out on the way. Lets go!"
It was quite a sight. Tony was driving a souped up SUV with the top cut off to accommodate a particularly large passenger, and Hulk was scrunched in the back with two sub woofers stuck to his head like giant earbuds. Imagine seeing that on the way to the grocery store.
When the Hulk had his fill of classical music, he shrunk back down to Bruce, apparently Stark did not think this through all the way, so he darted into a Chanel store and came out with a new monkey suit for Bruce to ruin.
There are not a lot of fearsome animals in the city, as you might expect. Tony thought that their mascot should be a tiger, a bird of prey, or something of that sort. A dragon maybe? Wait, those are mythical... Well there is no way he was giving Hawkeye the satisfaction of getting a hawk! Anything smaller than a guinea pig would probably get shot full of gamma radiation by Bruce, maybe he could get some genetic scientists in on this... meow. Huh?
When Tony turned around, there was an orange kitten standing behind him. "What a foul animal! Cats are disgusting, all they do is lick themselves all day."
Tony turned up his nose in an indignant manner. "We need a creature slightly more...badass!"
"Tony, I don't care about your mascot, what the hell are you doing in the middle of downtown? And more importantly, what am I doing here with you?"
"Well I want you to have a say in picking out our new pet."
"Our?"
"Well, I can't watch it all the time, what with being awesome as a full time job and all..."
"Tony, I vaguely remember warning you about that before losing my temper."
"Awww but come on! Have a heart Brucey!"
"As I recall, there is nothing wrong with my heart, yours on the other hand..."
"Hey, that was uncalled for rage man!"
Bruce grinned stupidly.
"What are you smiling at green giant?"
Tony looked behind him and noticed that the small orange kitten had followed them for two blocks now. "Scram flee-bag!"
Bruce looked at the small creature fondly, he had always liked cats. Tony however, could not forgive that one cat for shorting out his arc reactor and almost sending him into cardiac arrest.
"Maybe we should get a dog! It could keep you company in your lab and I could take it for...flights?" Ok so a dog is out of the question.
"What about a cat?" Bruce suggested.
"Have you been listening to nothing I have been saying? No cats!"
"What about a lovely goldfish?" There was a smile pulling at the corners of Bruce's mouth as Tony scowled at him.
"Come on you behemoth! Work with me here! This is our child! If you are not going to take this seriously, we might as well go home!"
"That is fine with us. Did you stop to think that the middle of a crowded mall might not be the best place for me to be arguing with you?"
"But mom! I am just worried about it not liking us! What if we don't even find a mascot today?"
Neither of the avengers notices the Norse God observing their conversation with a look of bewilderment on his face. "Are you men alright?" Inquired Thor.
Both Stark and Banner whipped around, unfortunately for Banner, that was enough of a fright to cause him to lose his composure and turn into the Hulk.
"God dammit Hulk! I just bought that suit! Now look what you have done!"
Thor stifled a snicker as the crouched over scientist reverted into a being of mass destruction in the middle of Macy's perfume department. A saleswoman stammered and then scurried off in the general direction of the fire escape.
Tony had to crack a smile as he thought about the publicity this was going to get tomorrow.
Even Hulk broke out in dopey laughter as he looked at all of the broken bottles around him. "Hulk. Smash. Hulk. Smash! Stark. Pay." His grin grew wider.
"Hey Thunder Pants, have you seen a pet store around here?"
"Do not insult the son on Odin! The animals around here are unimpressive. I cannot help you friend."
Sigh. We are going to be here all day with Tony's dedication to the pointless and unnecessary. Breathe Hulk, get your heart rate down. Thats it...wait! Can't I get to a bathroom first, being stark naked in public is not the most comfortable thing in the world. No pun intended.
"Come on Green Machine, back to the Hulk-mobile".
Tony sulked towards the new door Hulk put in the second floor wall. I'll have to pay for that won't I.
By the time Tony caught up with overgrown asparagus, he had turned back into his nudist friend.
Meow...
"Gods Dammit! Can I catch no break today!"
In Banners naked lap, there perched a small orange cat.
"We have gone over this! The cats are all on Loki's side! If we get a cat the terrorists win! Do you really want to break the news to Captain Underpants that you single handedly led the enemy to the US!"
"Okay Tony, the suit you bought me is shredded and I don't have any other clothing soooo...I had to improvise..."
"Dear lord Bruce! So you used the living incarnation of the devil to cover your man parts!"
"TONY! Just get in the fucking car before I get arrested for public indecency again!"
"Fine, but that thing is getting strapped to the hood"
"You would really do that to a kitten?"
"I would do that to my mother-in-law"
Banner sighed. "Lets just go shall we?"
He put the cat in his lap and they were off.
When they arrived home Banner ran with the kitten into his lab, while Tony went to have a tantrum in Pepper's office.
"HE BROUGHT HOME A CAT! I think I am allergic, yeah that's it! I am allergic! This is a cat-free tower!"
"Tony, I know that you are not allergic to anything. I know you better than you know yourself. You couldn't even tie your shoes without me"
"Not true, Jarvis can do that now!"
Pepper rolled her eyes. "What can't Jarvis do?"
"Make love"
"That was rhetorical."
Bruce got dressed. Maybe I will invent something that can grow with me. That will be my next top priority. But first, I must make my new friend a home. Banner dug out an old experiment chamber he previously used on some mice. There that should do nicely; he placed the orange fluff into the box. The kitten just stared at him with its big, round, green eyes...Dammit, you softy! He removed that creature from the box and put it on his desk where he was working. The kitten jumped down into his lap. Bruce stopped what he was doing and set it back on the desk. Again, the kitten jumped from the ledge into his lap. Again, he set it on the desk. It resided to walk across his touch screen causing his documents to disappear. Maybe Tony was right about cats...what am I thinking! As his mind went on a rant, the kitten fell asleep on his large hands. The kitten was warm and soft, Bruce works with his hands so they are scarred and rough from use, the feeling of frailty is not something he was used to. The kitten needs a name: Peaches, Klunk, Fluffy, Rex... Robert! The kittens name is Robert!
Tony's metal boots came stamping down the hall, he was ready for battle.
"There is no way that creature is staying in my house!"
"Tony, this is Robert, not a creature"
Robert moved groggily across the desk and leapt onto the floor. He stopped in front of IronMan and looked inquisitively at him.
"What the fuck kind of a name is Robert? It is a wimpy name so it suits him just fine! But there is no way I am allowing him to become the mascot"
"Come on Tony, give the wittle guy a chance!" Bruce put on his best puppy dog face and began his stare down.
"Come on man, that is not cool. You are not allowed to use that for anything other than science!" Tony stomped his foot causing the floor to shake, and also causing Robert to leap about two feet in the air; just high enough to clutch onto Tony's kneecap.
"Get off of me!" Tony demanded. "Banner get your little experiment off of my leg!"
"Watch out man of steel, you might feel something" countered Bruce.
"Ha. Ha. We've got a funny chemist in here" Tony pouted as he pried the small creature from his armor.
Robert retreated to the safety of Banner's lap. Bruce smiled at him as he hunkered down for a nap.
"Aww, you finally made a friend, looks like my little rage monster is growing up so fast... Now get rid of it"
Pepper came pattering down the hall. She never liked to go down geek hall; correction, she always regretted going down geek hall. She felt that the life of the kitten was in danger so she swallowed her pride and marched into the Bruce's lab. She swiftly turned around and marched out. "They sound like an old married couple!"
The guys heard the door close and looked up from their respective glares.
"Enough arguing Stark! If you don't want the cat, you get rid of it!"
"Finally! You have given into reason! Ok now let me just take Robert...Why is he doing that?"
Robert was looking Tony directly in the eye, purring.
"Stop it you insolent animal! You are going back on the street and that is that! ...Well maybe I will drop you off on the doorstep of some cat lady..."
Stark froze, he was holding Robert under the arms, the poor thing looked frightened. His green eyes were wide open, not wavering their hold on Stark's face.
"Aww hell!"
Tony marched out of the lab, Robert still in hand, to his top floor office. He dropped the kitten off with a bewildered looking Fury, and flew off. When Tony returned, he had a spiked collar, a store of canned cat food, and a plethora of cat toys and catnip, in his arms.
"This doesn't change or mean anything! We just really need a mascot."
The others stared at him with bemused expressions, Banner was on the brink of a straight up smirk. When Tony removed his armor he revealed a new t-shirt that read 'Cats Rule'
"Whats wrong with all of you! One would think that you had never seen a man with taste before"
Tony took Robert and made a hasty retreat to his room.
Please Review! Constructive criticism is appreciated, and in fact, encouraged!