I am not Stephenie Meyer. These characters belong to her. I'm just indulging myself in her world for a while. Chapters will get longer.
Chapter 1: A compilation of sorts
It was a Friday night at the beginning of summer and I was lying in bed trying to read Jane Eyre, but finding myself hopelessly distracted by wonderful thoughts of Edward. He'd left for a two-day hunting trip early this morning with Emmett, Jasper and Carlisle. I missed him.
I was quite sure that a love like Edward and I had, had never existed before. Actually I was certain. The love I felt for Edward was something I could not even begin to try and explain to myself. Let alone others. It was a force so powerful, so all consuming, so incredibly irrevocably overwhelming – that I found sometimes I could not breathe properly. I was scared that one day the feelings I held in my heart would be too much and I would surely explode. What a curious thing it would be, to die from love.
I missed him when he wasn't here no matter for how long. A day, an hour, a minute. I knew some people would construe it as 'needy' or an 'unhealthy attachment' but Edward and I saw it for what it truly was. And there was nothing more innocent than our gentle love. I needed him and he needed me. Like a force, like air or water. Well, maybe he didn't need those things but I did. For now.
Edward and I had come to a compromise. Finally. An agreement of sorts. I knew how hard it was for him, the uncertainty he carried with him about the nature of my soul when I would turn immortal and join him forever. I knew that he was afraid and I respected his beliefs wholeheartedly, which is why I had agreed to his compromise. We were going to go to college together in the fall, just a few months away and then we were going to get married to one another during some point. When I was 21, he would change me. After I'd finished all of the human experiences he wanted me to. At first, I'd been outraged of course. I did not want to be stuck in my 20's for eternity while Edward stayed 17. I knew it was a ridiculous notion but I wanted to be the same as him in every way possible. If he was going to be in his teen years forever then I wanted to be too. Edward reasoned with me. He had compiled a list together of all the reasons I should wait until I was 21 and I had to give it to him. He'd put a lot of time and thought into it and I was reluctantly convinced. He told me it was hard to be stuck in your teen years. At 21, just that little bit older – things would be a lot easier. The legality of things for a start, but that was just one reason on his very long list. He seemed so happy, so eager for me to have these last few years of human experiences, that I could do nothing but agree. I lived to see Edward happy and if that meant me waiting a few years, then I would do it.
On one condition.
I smiled as I remembered his elation at me saying yes only to then make a stipulation of my own.
"You're not the only one who can make compromises Edward," I said to him as I raised my eyebrows.
"What could you possibly want Bella? You know you don't have to make compromises with me. I would give you anything." His eyes were soft and he spoke so sincerely. God I loved this man.
"You know what I want Edward" I said, leaning closer to him and letting my fingertips graze along the inside of his elbow. Maybe he needed some physical reminders. I felt him suck in a long unnecessary breath and I knew then he caught on to what I was referring to.
"Bella, love. I believe we've had this conversation before."
We had. Many times. And it always ended with him telling me no, it was too dangerous, and me on the verge of tears.
"Well this time I'm posing it as a compromise, along with yours. I will agree to absolutely everything, anything you say – if you do this for me. With me."
"Bella" his perfect face was contorted in pain and anguish and I wanted to make all that fear go away.
"Edward, I trust you with my life. You'd never hurt me. Even if you wanted to, I don't think you'd ever be capable of it."
I moved to sit in his lap and I wrapped my arms around his neck, breathing in that heavenly scent like it was my lifeline. It was.
"Your faith in me is truly astounding Bella, but I'm afraid it may not work like that"
He pulled me from him so that he could look into my eyes. Carefully, so carefully he placed his hands on either side of my face and leaned in to kiss my forehead. I shivered from the contact and not because I was cold.
"You have no idea how fragile you are. Just one wrong move"- he shuddered, trailing off and I didn't want to think of the horrific images he was most probably conjuring up in that beautiful stubborn head of his.
"Edward" I hated seeing him beat himself up like this but I was determined to be strong this time. To make him see reason.
"Edward, you want to marry me while I'm still human right?" I had to ask. I had to know the answer to this question I was about to propose.
He looked momentarily perplexed for a moment.
"Of course I do Bella, why would you ask that?" his eyebrows knitted together in confusion. So beautiful.
"And what would we do on our wedding night Edward? On our honeymoon? Play checkers?" I couldn't help the sarcasm that was seeping into my voice but he had to know how ridiculous this all was.
He sighed and looked down into the palms of his hands. "I'm so sorry Bella, I'm so sorry I cant give you what you deserve. If I could become human"-
I cut him off by placing my hand over his mouth. I didn't want to hear anymore. I'd heard it all before. The 'if I could just be human' speech had been recited one too many times.
"You can give me it Edward. I know you can," I whispered gently, running my hands up and down his arms trying to sooth him. "Please believe in yourself the way I do. Edward, I love you so much it hurts. Just try. That's all I ask. Just try to make love to me. I trust you so much. I trust you."
I did trust him. I would trust him always.
He hadn't said yes but he hadn't said no either and I didn't want to push him any further. I had to believe that he was at least thinking about it. Considering it. I wanted that human experience with Edward more than I'd ever wanted anything.
I put Jane Eyre back on my bedside table, resigned to the fact that I was too wired and tangled up in thoughts of my lover to relax and read. I started to think about all of the human experiences I wanted to do in the three years before I was 21 and before I was changed. You could get a lot accomplished in three years. Making love with Edward was number one on my list and that got me thinking. Maybe I could compile a list of sorts.
And so that's how I ended up at midnight, notebook and pen in hand – writing out 21 things I wanted to do before I was 21 and before I was a vampire.
Make love with Edward
I had to ponder over number two and really truly try to think of the things I wanted to accomplish while I was still a human. I tried to think of all the things I would miss when I was a vampire. I would probably miss food. Food could be pretty good and I decided I could do something with that idea. I would also miss sleep. I would miss falling into unconsciousness and dreaming of Edward. I had no idea what I could do with that issue though. By the time the clock striked one o clock I only had two more things written down on my list.
Try every new food I could possibly think of
Make love with Edward in every way possible
I wanted to enter my immortal existence completely fulfilled. I wanted Edward and I to indulge in all of the wonderful things that sex had to offer. And I wasn't ashamed to admit that. I didn't want any more restrictions or boundaries. I wanted our spiritual love to finally be able to connect with our physical love. Thinking of sex with Edward wasn't doing anything to help me concentrate on the task at hand and I gave up, resolved to try again tomorrow. I was determined that Edward would give me what I wanted. What we both wanted and needed. I knew how hard it was for him to push past those physical limitations he'd placed on himself for years, with a human at that and I was proud he was considering it. So proud. I know he didn't want to harm me but I genuinely believed, in my heart of hearts, that he wouldn't. I just had to find some way to make him believe that too.
Edward wanted to wait until we were married to have sex. It was old-fashioned I know, but he was old-fashioned. It would be hard trying to break him of his 1918 habits and to be honest, I wasn't sure if I completely wanted to. I felt like his beliefs were a part of him and I didn't want to try and strip that away. I liked him exactly the way he was, even if I wanted to do things a little differently at times. I would agree to wait until after we were married to consummate our relationship because it was so important to him, but that didn't mean we couldn't do other things. We needed to push the boundaries and explore each other a little beforehand; otherwise I feared everything would become too overwhelming on our honeymoon all at once. It was a hard task. Edward was very set in his ways, but I'd learned a long time ago that anything was possible.
I awoke at 7am in the morning and had just barely enough time to shower and eat a breakfast bagel before Alice showed up on my doorstep. Her eyes were gleaming and she was practically bursting with excitement from head to toe. I was instantly wary. She barged past me, straight into the house and she clapped her hands in delighted glee.
"What's going on Alice?" I asked her
"Oh Bella" she turned to face me, beaming. "Your list. It's the most fantastic idea! Edward is going to absolutely love it. I have a ton of ideas for you to add! Oh, this is going to be brilliant."
Of course she'd seen. Damn. I had to keep reminding myself that there was no privacy in the Cullen family. Something that I was going to have to get used to.
"Alice, really it's no big deal," I said. "It's just a little thing I thought of doing last night. I mean I haven't even finished it, it's only got three things on."
"But Bella, were going to make it epic! You definitely need my help. I have a list of all the places you should visit and all the things you're going to want to do. Things you haven't even fully decided yet."
"Alice" I groaned.
"Oh come on Bella" she whined.
I shook my head impatiently. No. This was my list, my list to do with Edward. Mine.
I expected her to keep up an annoying charade of begging but I became scared when I saw her grin. A grin wide enough to put the Cheshire cat himself to shame.
"Why are you smiling?"
"I've already seen that you'll give in and say yes" she squealed. She grabbed my hand and held it.
"I promise it will be fun Bella. I can help you. I know exactly what Edward thinks; I've been around him for so long. I know all the things he's dreamed of doing for you. Just trust me."
I sighed. Did I really have a choice?
I rolled my eyes. "Fine. But it's still my list. I'm in control of it and I have the final say," I warned.
"Of course Bella. Of course."