Catharsis
Disclaimer- I don't Final Fantasy 7 or its characters.
There are no words that could possibly express how much I regret hurting you, Vincent. How guilty I feel and how helpless knowing that I can't undo it all.
You were so kind to me. You were just supposed to be a bodyguard. You didn't have to get to know me, no one else did. I was respected, yes, but only as a scientist. Not as a friend. I was so alone, but you reached out to me, and I reached back, even though I harbored that horrible secret. How much more selfish could I have gotten?
But your company was so easy that sometimes I was able to push my guilt to the back of my brain and enjoy myself. I'll never forget the time I found you lying on the grass asleep, and how we shared that bottle of wine. I don't think I'd ever felt so light and free before, and I knew it wasn't from the wine.
You always saw me home safely. Sometimes we stopped at that noodle stand outside the Inn and sat on the bench, each with a big bowl of noodles. I felt at peace then, listening to the crickets and just sitting next to you. I suppose we made quite the pair! You in your immaculate suit and me with a stained lab coat. I always wondered how you did that, kept the suit so clean, especially when you were outside in the hot sun, or knee deep in the snow.
But I couldn't be with you all the time. Lab work kept my mind busy, and I was doing something I'd wanted to do ever since I was young. Even though everyone kept their distance in the lab, I could always look forward to seeing and talking with you come the end of the day. Although I couldn't say life was perfect, it was good enough for me.
Until the day you found out that I worked with your father. The precarious dam holding the guilt back in my mind broke open when you asked me why I didn't tell you earlier. Vincent, I'm so sorry! As awful as it sounds, I almost wish you'd never found out. That way, maybe only I would have to carry the sorrow for both of us.
You said it was alright, but it was too late. You looked so hurt when you asked. How could anything like that possibly be alright? How could I forget that look on your face? We tried to act like it never happened, but a wall formed between us and it just couldn't be torn down.
I started walking back home by myself, trying not to look at the noodle stand, because it only caused a pang of emptiness. I can't say that I was back where I started, because I lost something that I hadn't had before I met you.
But Hojo filled that gap. We talked only about science, but it was something we both had in common, so it was better than nothing. I guess we connected on another level; we were more ambitious. You and I were just two friends, taking it a day at a time. With Hojo, it wasn't about today. It was about the future. It was about our goals and nothing could stand in our way.
So when he asked me to marry him, I said yes. In a way, we were already partners. The JENOVA Project would forever alter Gaia as we knew it. I would be a part of that with the man who connected with me so well. I felt invigorated. I threw myself into even more research, more experiments, and more hours in the lab. It kept your pained face out of my mind.
I don't deserve your forgiveness, Vincent.
The next day, we went to the courthouse and were married. No white wedding gown for me, just a white lab coat. Papers were signed. Everything was as businesslike as could be. Hojo and I had already discussed what we needed to do.
That night…I don't really remember it.
But we had been successful. I wondered what it would be like to be a mother, but I had to remember why I was having the child in the first place. When you confronted Hojo about the experiment, I couldn't help but be angry. Maybe deep down I knew the experiment was wrong, but I didn't need you standing up for me. It only made me feel worse.
We went ahead with the injection. And then the visions came. Those awful, awful visions about what my child would become. Hojo and I became more distant. I was only as important because of the child inside me. And again, you persisted in defending me. You paid for it with your life. But I never meant for you to die, Vincent.
Hojo laughed at you as you bled to death on the floor. He laughed at me as I tried to save you.
Sephiroth was born, and taken away almost immediately. I hadn't gotten a moment with my child. You were gone. Hojo had no more need for me. Once again, I had no one.
And so I made the last choice I would ever make. In a mako prison, hidden away in a crystal cave, I'd be alone. But I wouldn't hurt anyone anymore. I would never join the lifestream, instead remaining suspended above it as long as Gaia existed.
I can only apologize, Vincent, even though that won't ever be enough. I can't take back what I've said and done to you, and for that I'm so, so sorry.
A/N- The noodle stand is just something I made up. ^_^ Hopefully it's not too corny.