One Lifetime
A post-8x22 fanfic
Written for the 2018 Castle Halloween Bash.
A strange sense of familiarity greets her the moment she opens her eyes; she's been here before. Not for some time, not since that day in the cemetery when they paid their respects to her captain and very nearly had to bury her as well, but she's been in this place before, whatever this place is. Wherever this place is.
"Was it enough?"
Three words are enough to cut through the jagged agony, to halt the sharp twists of pain in her gut. Kate gasps, twisting her head and searching in the darkness for the source of the voice, only to come up empty.
"Was it enough?" the voice repeats from another direction. The question comes again - posed from somewhere past her right ear this time - and again a moment later from behind her.
"Was what?" she manages, sucking in a breath, attempting to push past the dizzying confusion. What the hell is happening? This isn't the way it was last time, when she'd been paralyzed by the silence in this place. "Where's Castle?"
Her chest tightens as she hears the silencer-muffled pop of the gun, remembers Caleb Brown marching across their kitchen with stoic purpose in his eyes. Rick had been hit and gone down, she remembers that much.
She also remembers taking a bullet of her own. No, two.
Two this time.
She can't help but wonder if this is how it ends, if she's going to die here. Or if she's going to live to regret everything she's done, every misfortune she's brought on the man who loves her.
"Where is he?" she demands, forcing herself upright, demanding compliance from her heavy, nearly useless limbs. "Where's my husband?"
"Answer the question, Kate."
Her heart throbs against her sternum, panic flooding her system. They won't answer her; why? Where is Rick? Is he alive? "Was what enough?" she croaks, forcing herself to focus on that instead of the possibility that her husband might be dead because of her, because she'd brought that darkness into their lives. "I don't understand what you're asking."
The voice returns, gentler this time, "One lifetime. Was one lifetime with him enough?"
Her eyes clamp shut, and a sob works its way out of her throat. She gets it now, what they're trying to ask.
The case, the implants. The lengths a wife would go to in order to keep her dying husband with her longer. Because one lifetime together wasn't enough.
Rick's face flashes in her mind. His sleep-mussed hair and sly, playful smile. The desire that lights his eyes; the love that has been there for so long, too. There's no question, no doubt. No choice to be made.
"It'll never be enough," she murmurs. She doesn't even know if she believes any of this will help, but on the crazy, absurd chance that it does, she can only hope she's done enough to save him, the love of her life. Because he doesn't deserve this, any of this; he can't die for her, and he sure as hell can't die because of her.
"A wise choice, Kate. The same one he made, in fact."
She sucks in a breath. "Does that mean he'll-he's going to live?"
Because that's what matters, that he lives. No matter how long it takes to be okay and get back on his feet, as long as he lives.
"It does."
The reassurance washes over her, making her next breath come easier.
"And me?" She's not sure she wants to know, but the question spills out anyway.
"The same. Sacrifice is rewarded, Kate. When it's selfless."
It hadn't been, though, not really. She can only be selfish when it comes to Rick Castle, to loving him. Keeping him alive is the most selfish thing she can do. It always has been.
"I need to get back to him, then. I need to talk to him," she insists, pressing a hand to her rib cage, swallowing a hiss.
Of course, that's going to be easier said than done, because she can't even be sure that this isn't all in her head. It's crazy, downright certifiable, to believe that this strange in-between place actually exists, and that if it really does, they've somehow managed to bargain for each other's lives here.
He'll never believe that she isn't just messing with him while he's on painkillers. She almost hopes he doesn't believe it.
"You will, soon."
"That's not good enough. He needs me." Maybe even more than that, she needs him. God, does she need him.
"He needs me," she repeats, feeling her throat clog with desperate emotion. "He's hurt, and I got him - us - into this; let me go to him."
There's no use arguing with them, though, and Kate feels herself deflate, wincing at the agony that's spreading through her torso once again. They'll send her back when they're ready, that much is obvious.
"What now?" she asks instead, breathing through another wave of fire in her belly. "For me, for us?"
She can almost hear the smile in the answer, like she's finally getting it. "Now you live, Kate. Now you live."
Rick's in the bed beside hers when she opens her eyes, his arm held close to his chest in a sling. His gaze is a little foggy with whatever pain meds they have him on, but relieved nonetheless.
"Kate, hey," he whispers, as if he's being careful not to startle her.
Her heart stammers, relief flooding her system. He's here, really here, breathing and alive in front of her. He's beautiful. "Oh god, hi."
"Knew you'd be okay." He smiles, dopey and sweet. If every last muscle in her body didn't hurt, she would go to him and just hang on for dear life. "Knew you'd be 'kay, Kate."
"I thought you were dead," she confesses, feeling the clog of her heart in her throat, the weight of what's happened to them on her chest. "I was so scared, Rick."
"Kate," her name crackles from his lips, forcing her eyes to his, checking for distress. Greater distress than he's already in. "S'going to be okay."
With his confidence washing over her, she sinks deeper into her pillows. Her eyelids droop as the morphine hits her, but she fights through it, needing to say more, to ask if she'd been hallucinating or dreaming being in that place, making that choice for each other. "Rick?" she asks.
"I'm here," he answers, though he sounds far away. She's already drifting, floating from the present into dreamland, helped along by the cocktail of painkillers in her bloodstream.
"I want to live." Kate forces her eyes open, meeting his gaze. He looks back with understanding, more than she would've expected and so much more than she deserves, and she feels the pinch of tears building behind her eyes. "I want to live, Rick. For you - with you."
His smile deepens, the rest of his body relaxing for the first time since she'd opened her eyes. "We will, Kate. Anywhere, anything we want; it's ours. A lifetime."
Her eyes cut to his, finding them shining with the knowledge of an experience that he shouldn't have. It… had it all been real? It couldn't have been, but there's no way he could know.
"Thought it was a dream," she murmurs. Rick shakes his head.
"Not a dream. A second chance."
They make a list. Their back from the dead bucket list, as Rick calls it (much to her dismay). Places they want to visit, wonders they want to see, things they want from their second chance at a lifetime together. It serves as motivation during their recovery, keeps agony and anger from convincing them that they've been robbed of something precious. And it's just fun when they have the opportunity to check items off.
They're in Prague when she starts to feel off. A few days later, nausea and vomiting join at least two months of missed periods to point to only one (well, after Castle has finished worriedly googling all other possibilities while waiting for a doctor in a Vienna ER) ailment. The third item on their list, behind relearning and loving one another.
Lily Marie Castle is born just over a year and a half after their shooting. Although there's some debate over how to honor Kate's mother without burdening the girl, using Johanna's middle name as Lily's suits her. She's healthy and perfect, the best of them, and every bit the gift their hearts know her to be. Her laughter is infectious, her dark eyes wise, and in the quiet of the night, Kate often finds herself baring her soul to the girl.
Most of the time she tells her daughter stories about Johanna and her childhood, about meeting Rick and the way they fought and fell in love. But tonight, on the anniversary of the shooting, she finds herself talking about something completely different.
"Something happened to me and Daddy after we were shot. There was this place… and I could swear I'd been there before," she murmurs, rocking her daughter as she nurses. "I was there the first time I was shot. But they didn't ask me for anything that time, I didn't ask for anything. I didn't think I had anything to ask for back then."
Lily's fingers curl at her breast, flexing against her skin. Kate exhales, trailing gentle fingers over Lil's cheek. Even when she's exhausted, she never gets tired of watching her child like this, never wants to lose this closeness.
"But this time I asked for your daddy. I asked for him to be able to stay and live, and they told me that he asked the same for me. And because of that, whoever it was, whatever it was, they let both of us stay. Which means they let us have you."
Her eyes stray from Lily's face to wander the room, taking in the whimsical world they've created for their daughter. The joyful baby elephants and the wise owl patterned bedding. The soft purples and greens on the walls. The room is packed to the brim with stuffed animals, toys, and everything Lily could ever want or need, and she vows to keep it that way.
Her husband's smile greets her from the doorway, his eyes warm with affection. There's so much in his gaze, she can't help but feel her throat clog and her face flush. Overwhelmed by it, Kate lowers her chin, dusts her lips over Lily's forehead.
"I still don't know if it actually happened - it would be crazy if it were real - but it was a pretty good deal, I'd say," she murmurs, grinning at Rick's quiet chuckle.
He crosses the room on soft feet, kneeling in front of the rocker. Kate reaches out a hand, steadying him and checking his face for discomfort as he gets settled. He doesn't seem bothered, though, he simply brushes his fingers over Lily's head, careful not to disturb her as she eats.
"Mommy's pretending to be skeptical, Lil," he whispers, lifting a sly grin in Kate's direction. She rolls her eyes, but feels her lips turn up anyway. They don't often talk about their experience - they never talk about it, in fact - but it's easy to fall back on their old teasing habits.
"Mommy is skeptical," she says, tilting her head. "But Mommy's willing to consider the idea that the universe wanted to keep you around as much as she did."
Her husband chuckles, low and soft, and Lily's fingers twitch at the sound. She doesn't protest, though, and Rick's hand slips away from the back of their daughter's head, moving to cup Kate's elbow instead.
"Both of us, Kate," he insists, swiping his thumb over her arm. He rocks forward, pressing warm lips to her forehead. "I would say the universe wanted to keep both of us around for another lifetime, wouldn't you?"
Kate leans into the touch, lets the peace he invokes settle over her, the possibilities he's somehow managed to make her believe in, no matter how outlandish the thoughts might be. "Maybe even more than that."
Thank you for reading!