I'D BE BETTER OFF…
(First story in the "Portraits" Series)
Disclaimer: Xena, Joxer and Gabrielle do not belong to me – they are the property of RenPics and Universal/USA Studios. I intend to make no profit off of this, and probably wouldn't even if I intended to…
Rating: PG
Violence: None
Sex: Nope
This story is the first in a series that assumes that "it" happened. Now that Gabby and Joxer are together, what are the issues and incidents they have to deal with? The title and some of the feelings in this piece owe their existence to the Doug Stone song "I'd Be Better Off (In A Pine Box)". I want to thank both Chris Shultz and Findle for pushing me to explore this particular subject. And Chris – thanks for the punctuation and other editorial clarification. I couldn't do it without your help.
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Maybe, she thought optimistically, I could just die, right here and now, and get it over with. She wasn't sure why she was so miserable. It's not like she shouldn't have seen this coming. She stared into the mug of ale before her, chipping absently at the table with her breast dagger. The innkeeper approached, obviously planning to request she stop damaging his furniture. She looked up as he drew near, the storm in the ice blue eyes stopping him where he stood. He gulped, his mouth suddenly dry, and backed away, very slowly. After all, he decided, it was an old table, and he had been thinking about replacing it anyway…
She returned to her introspection. Really, she didn't know why she was so upset. She just knew that, when she had returned today from her trip to Thebes, and met her friends here at this inn, her whole world had turned upside down, and it might never be right again. Ironic, isn't it, she thought. She got married and left me. I've watched her die, more than once. Saw her possessed by demons, even saw her give birth to one; seen her pursued by people obsessed by her. She's finally really happy, and I can't deal with it.
Xena supposed it was just the way she found out. They still hadn't come out and told her, not directly, anyway, but it wasn't like they were trying to hide it much, either. The plan had been that they would all meet here today. She had sent a message on ahead, informing them of her scheduled arrival. When she appeared here at the inn though, there was no one waiting, which was unusual enough. Gabrielle was always waiting when she returned, and Joxer was usually not far behind. But they were conspicuously absent. At first, she was annoyed; her message had been perfectly clear. Time passed, and she went from annoyed to worried. Just as she was preparing to go find them, to see if some warlord had taken them hostage or worse, the door to the inn burst open, and they entered, hand in hand, grinning like a couple of kids.
It must have been the shock on her face that wiped the smiles off of theirs. They let go of one another, looking guilty, like they had been doing something awful instead of simply enjoying each other's company. Gabrielle pulled herself together first, running to Xena and pulling her into a hug. "We're glad you're back," she proclaimed brightly.
Joxer was a little slower on the uptake, but finally shook himself almost imperceptibly, and strode over, extending his hand. "Yeah," he offered, "how was the trip?" Xena grasped his outstretched arm, wondering at the change in the whole dynamic. Usually, Gabrielle was dying for her to return, and Joxer was pouting about something he'd done to annoy the bard in her absence. Right now, Xena wasn't sure they'd have noticed if she hadn't returned right on time. Not that they didn't want her there, just that they seemed a little…distracted.
The warrior watched her two friends carefully all afternoon. She had originally planned to get right back on the road after picking up her companions, but Gabrielle argued that Xena had been traveling non-stop for days, and a decent nights sleep would do her a world of good. I wonder what her REAL motives for staying here another night are, Xena thought, irritated. She stabbed the table particularly hard at the idea. The two had spent all afternoon in a strange dance, almost trying to avoid each other, while at the same time each being unable to take their eyes off of the other. A couple of times, while Gabrielle was telling her about their trip here and how unexciting things had been without her, Xena was sure she heard the tone of voice the bard saved for when she was almost lying. Gabrielle wasn't real comfortable skirting the edge of the truth, and Xena could usually figure out when she was nearing the border.
And Joxer just sat there smiling; silent, and almost serene. With his helmet off, and that gentle smile lighting his brown eyes, even Xena could see how women might find him attractive. Even a woman who knew him at his worst, like Gabrielle did. Because, the Warrior Princess grudgingly acknowledged, they had both also seen him at his best once in a while.
They had barely finished dinner when the two of them began yawning emphatically, Gabrielle pulling it off more convincingly than Joxer. He excused himself, pleading exhaustion, and went upstairs. No more than ten minutes later, Gabrielle exited as well. Xena was reasonably sure that if she went up right now to the room she and Gabrielle were supposed to be sharing, it would be empty. She shuddered at the thought.
Finally, a cold finger of logic worked through the depressing fog in her mind. You knew this was coming it reminded her. She had known how Joxer felt about the bard almost since he had figured it out himself. She had watched him give everything he could for Gabrielle, while she had been so busy struggling to find an identity of her own, she had never even noticed. She had to realize that once Gabrielle got comfortable with herself, she was going to have to wake up to the facts of the world around her. And one of the facts of that world was that the two people that knew Gabrielle best both loved her more than life itself.
Xena realized that she was jealous.
She loved Gabrielle. Maybe not that way, although truthfully she had never really given it much thought. She loved her in a way that few people were ever lucky enough to feel. And she had to smile when she acknowledged that Joxer loved her that way, too. The warrior was jealous because he had finally found a way to tell her, and she had accepted it. Xena realized that she was happy for him, for them both. The bard brought out the best in him. And he was so earnest, so selfless in his ardor. She knew that he would never hurt Gabrielle. That was something Xena herself knew she couldn't promise. It was a promise she had already broken too many times.
It startled her to realize that she was jealous of the bard, too. To have inspired that kind of love, and to be able to return it without reservation were dreams Xena never would have admitted to having. But someone as kind and gentle as Joxer would rarely seek the heart of a hardened warrior woman. Perhaps her liking for bad boys in leather was a defense, just as Gabrielle's apparent blindness to Joxer's affections might have been. She could never really hope to find that kind of relationship herself.
She sighed, her anger having melted away to a sad, sore place in her heart. She even smiled slightly. At least it's Joxer, she thought, with some relief, which means she'll still travel with me. All that will probably change will be the sleeping arrangements. The corner of her mouth twitched at the thought. Once the newness of their love wore off, they would probably still argue and fuss at each other, although maybe less bitterly. Things wouldn't change, much. Only completely. She sighed again, finishing her ale and throwing down a very large tip to cover the damage to the table as she pulled her dagger out of the wood and tucked it in its usual home. Then she dragged her tired body to its feet, and trudged upstairs to her cold, empty room.