A Pig's Paradox
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
…...
ATTENTION EVERYONE! I'll be briefly breaking my Hiatus and having a Halloween contest. I'll be posting Halloween themed stories, horror themed, or one's that end with a cliff-hanger! The story that gets the most reviews, will be the one I update on Halloween!(and maybe a few other surprises. heh. heh.)
And don't forget to check out my new "Shake Up the Falls" Challenge!
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SPLASH!
"My pants! They're shrinking!" Screamed the goth
Everyone laughed and jeered at the goths misfortune...including Dipper. "That'll do pig, That'll do." Said the now (slightly) happier boy as he petted his sisters new pig.
Yes; many who looked upon this bitter-sweet yet heartwarming/comical ending liked it a lot...But The Slenderman who watched invisibly from afar...did not.
"Oh, surprise. Surprise. The cannon ending...how original." Snarled Slenderman sarcastically. He then posts a flame
GAH! WHY DO WE BURN!?
Which immediately spreads and burns down the entire universe! Slenderman then leaves the cast of this universe to die...and heads to another alternate gravity falls universe...
….
Let me guess...Mabel gets pig and Wendy gets a black eye...again! Snarls Slenderman in irritated boredom, he then flames this universe too...
….
Slenderman snarls in frustration as he flames a 'Wacky Wizards of Wall Street' X Gravity Falls crossover universe to ashes.
You give them nigh-invulnerable wizard allies...you give Mabel and Dipper magic...but you keep the ending the same!? Why even make the crossover!?
…..
"Oh, a 'Alchemists King's' X Gravity Falls crossover!? Well, I can only assume they'll use their uber-strong alien allies or advanced elf tech to Save the pig AND Wendy!" States Slenderman with mock drama...only to once more see the now predictable cannon ending...
OH, whoops! My mistake! Apparently their allies were either too busy/lazy/incompetent to change anything! And Mabel and Dipper 'convieniently' forgot to use their cannon-changing tech!...why...why bother making the crossover?! You might as well have just made two different, unrelated stories and be done with it!" Snarls Slenderman as he once more flames another gravity fall fanfiction universe to rubble...
….
GAH!
Screams Slenderman as he flames a hundred disappointing Gravity Falls universes to dust at once!
"The pig! The black eye! The pig! The black eye! Hundreds of cannon endings as far as they eye can see! What is wrong with everyone!? If I wanted cannon I would've just stayed home and watched like a good mindless drone with no imagination!"
"Hey frak you pal!" Shouts a voice from nearby.
Slenderman turns around to see the burnt remains of a Writer...who(somehow) survived the destruction of his universe-
"All these flames...theses PM's filled with locust and brimstone! You know, no one's pointing a gun to your head to 'like' our homes and families! Don't like!? Don't watch! If you think you can do better, do it! Stop complaining and DO it better!"
Slenderman just stares at him blankly...then(somehow) smiles. "Hey...your right! If you want something done right, do it yourself!"
It taps his head to the half dead man. "Thank you for showing me the light. As a thank you...I'll make your death quick!" Laughs Slenderman as he blows the man up...
….
SPLASH!
"My pants! They're shrinking!" Screamed the goth.
Everyone laughed and jeered at the goths misfortune...including Dipper. "That'll do pig, That'll do." Said the now (slightly) happier boy as he petted his sisters new pig...
Oblivious to the invisible eldritch abomination watching them all. It rubs its hands with anticipation "Right...now we do things my way!" First, he sends off a bolt of lightning in a seemingly random direction-
GAH! MY ARM!
Quickly he levitates toward Wendy and resumes time again. He then quickly whispers a thought into the laughing red-heads mind.
Wow, Dipper was right. Tight pants ARE overrated. Wendy chuckled at this. Yeah...he really called that one...wait a minute...
Wendy had been dazed by the blow to her head to...but now that she thought about it...
He said "-also that tight pants are overrated."...and then...and then something...something else...What did Dipper say before that?... "Wendy, I just wanted to say that, well I just wanted say that people makes mistakes, and when they do, you should forgive them...He said that right before I got hit...
Lost in her thoughts...she obliviously began to wander around the fairground as she gathered her feelings...
"It's almost...it's almost like Dipper KNEW what was about to happen"...Wendy scoffs at this thought and shakes her head. "What am I thinking!? that's crazy!" Suddenly the memory of a certain convenience store reared it's ugly head...on the other hand I was attacked by ghosts earlier this summer...so maybe having a more open mind...but wait! That makes even less sense! Exclaims Wendy to herself as the memory of the oh-so adorable Lamby dance surfaced as well. If Dipper knew...why didn't he stop it? I-
I'M TELLING YOU! I WAS FRAMED!
Screamed a voice that shook every timber within a ten block radius. Wendy turns around and sees those weird guys from earlier who finally dunked Stan.
Before Wendy knew what she was doing; she was filled with the inexplicable urge to sneak up on them and eavesdrop...
"Shut it Blendin! It's bad enough that freak lightning injured Dundgren and burnt out our time-tape measures! If on top of that I go deaf from your whining; so help me I'll-
"You'll what?" Said a voice. Everyone turned around to see...a perfectly ordinary businessman.
The man straightens his tie before introducing himself "Hello there! The names Stanley; Stanley Lenderman. Temporal attorney at law!" Said the man as he gave his business card to Lolph. "And I'm here to be Mr. Blandin's legal representative!"
"Wait, what?...but I don't have an attorney"- "Of course you do!" Interrupted the lawyer as he snaps his fingers at him.
Suddenly Blendin's eyes glazed over... "Oh! That's right! I do have a lawyer...I guess." Stated Blendin a touch disoriented.
Lolph shook his head. "Now wait just a minute! This is highly irregular! You can't just-
"Fret not my boy. I'm completely authorized to do this- Said the lawyer as he again snaps his fingers.
Suddenly Lolph's eyes glaze over as well. "Oh...so you do...my mistake...apparently." Said Lolph awkwardly as if he wasn't quite sure he believed what he was saying...
The lawyer nodded. "Right now that that's settled...let's get down to business!" He snatches up the remains of Blendin's time tape. "Using new 'technology', I should be able to holographicaly display this devices temporal-web history-
"Wait, what!? Dude! Not cool!" Shouts a flustered Blendin.
The Lawyer held out a placating hand as he chuckled. "Relax my boy, were all guys here...tell you what? Why don't I play some music while we watch to get us in the spirit of things?"
Lolph groaned. "Is that really necessary- But it was too late; the music had started and the images was displayed for all to see...
Hey!
Screamed Wendy as she's hit by a ball for the second time
Everytime I try to go in alone I get shut down,
Locked up and held captive in the clutches of my down
"It is possible that the forces of time naturally conspire to undo any new outcomes?" Asks Dipper out loud morbidly. "No, I just need to try again!" He shouts out in determination!
go back
"Third times the charm!"
go forth
"Fifth times the charm!"
go back
"The twentieth time...is the twentieth time...
I'm sick with vertigo
Dipper vomits into a trashcan after time-jumping too fast...
Weary of my ways, this days never gonna end...
Dipper slammed his head down on the booth in frustration...
I wanna feel a new day
(There's gotta be more than this)
Dipper bites yet another pen in two as he eyes his calculations...
I wanna see a new day
(There's gotta be more)
Dipper practiced several make-shift throws..
I wanna be a new day
(There's gotta be more)
Dipper measures the height of a startled Wendy...
I wanna live a new day with you
(There's just gotta be more)
"Maybe if I throw with my other hand"... Mumbles Dipper to himself.
Right here, right now
Under the stars-
"I promise you my heart." Whispered Dipper to himself as he glances into Wendy's wondrous green eyes
Cause it starts today!
Dipper checked the make-shift barometer to calculate the wind speeds...
I wanna rise,
I wanna touch the other side
(It starts today!)
"Maybe electromagnetic radiation is responsible?" Asks Dipper as he uses a make-shift bolometer...
I wanna soar
I wanna reach right out for more
(Cause it starts today!)
Dipper bangs on the make-shift creepmeter in irritation...
I wanna rise,
I wanna touch the other side
(It starts today!)
Dipper shoos away a nosy patron as he calculates the make-shift gravimeter...
I wanna soar,
I wanna reach right out for more
(Cause it starts today!)
Dipper bangs his head over and over on a lamppost...
Today today
Today today today
Today
Dipper desperately shakes the make-shift Katharometer to find something...anything to explain why he sucked at this!
Can't feel like I can take this day anymore
Want to be with you Under the sky full of stars
With a heart that wants more
(Today)
The make-shift hygrometer's results...were disappointing...
I'll memorize the rhythm no dam can hold
Dipper checks the stopwatch. "Okay, it took 5 seconds to hit her." He calculates...
Done' drivin by a source cramping my soul.
(Today)
Dipper grits his teeth as Robbie asks Wendy out for the hundreth time!
Won't be like any day we have seen
I swear I'll change everything (e-e-e-e-everything)
"FATE CAN EAT IT!" Screams a frustrated Dipper; While nearby fair patrons looked on in concern...
Right here right now
Under the stars-
"I'd promise you my heart-" Whispers Dipper after Wendy longingly...
Cause it starts today!
OW! MY EYE!
Today!
OW! MY EYE!
Today!
OW! MY EYE!
Cause it starts today!...
Wendy just gapes in horror...she couldn't make out or hear half of what was happening on the jumbled images from this far away...but she'd seen enough to be mad! "WHAT THE BLOOD!" She screams enraged...before slapping her mouth shut and realizing what a dumb thing that was to do...
Lolph suddenly goes on alert. "Did you hear that!?" He asks. "Nope, and neither did you." States the lawyer as he snaps his fingers again. Suddenly the cops eyes glaze over and he agrees...
Wendy doesn't have time to thank her luck; she's too busy being furious! How...how could Dipper do that to me? Have me get hit over and over again? Wendy can actually feel her eyes get hot with tears. How...how could you Dipper? I thought we were friends! I thought you cared about me! Why would you-
-"Wendy, how badly do you want that stuffed animal thing?" Said the Dipper on the hologram suddenly as the Lawyer cranked up the volume. "More than anything in the world, Dipper." Said Wendy intensely...
Wendy blinked several times uncomprehendingly...then slapped her forehead. Yeah, that sounds about right... She inwardly groused irritably.
Then she starts thinking. Wait...if Dipper was determined to do this for me...why'd he stop? Why-
Wendy's thought process stopped dead in their tracks as the images cleared up completely...and reached their conclusion...
…...
It was a dazed, conflicted, and confused Wendy that found herself wandering away from the time police when the projector had finished it's tale...suddenly she found herself almost tripping over something.
She looks down and sees a familiar ball, she looks up to see a familiar game booth...
Wendy glares at it. "This is your fault!" She screams as she tosses the ball at it in anger-
CRACK! GAH! MY EYE!
Wendy groaned as she nursed yet another black eye...she glared at the booth with rage...then contemplation... Wait...hold the phone...How was it possible for Dipper to mess up so many times? And needing to go to crazy impossible lengths to win...I mean yeah, he's not the most athletic person...but still...somethings fishy here...
Seeing that the Carney in charge of it was away...Wendy went over to check out the booth...within minutes she was screaming to the heavens-
STANFORD PINES!
Stanford Pines; hard at work re-rigging the dunk tank to make it impossible for anyone to win again...paled at the familiar sound of an enraged woman screaming his name...and quickly made a run for it...
….
Slenderman watched this last bit with amusement; he then rips off the head of a nearby patron and begins to drink their brain through a straw. He then turns to the reader and begins to speak in a snobby, British accent. Right, so I have this 'theory' that Stan helping Dipper out in 'Roadside Attraction' was motivated by guilt since he ruined Dipper's 'chances' and kept the secret to himself.
He paused to take another sip of gray matter with his pinky finger extended. I shall not quoth 117 reasons for this belief. Reason the first: This theorem seems plausible to me because-
Suddenly he sees Wendy heading toward the twins. Shoot! Okay, we'll talk never! The main event is happening now! Shouts Slenderman back in his normal voice as he rips off another patrons head and begins to eat his brain like popcorn...while also making sure to whisper a few last minute thoughts into Wendy's ear...
The pines twins were chilling out by the frozen snack stand. Mabel was feeding waddles and Dipper was trying to forget today's events by burying himself into his journal.
Suddenly, Dipper sees Wendy coming through his peripherals. Despite the circumstances, Dipper smiled! It was always good to see Wendy after all!
"Hey Wendy, how are-
"I know what happened guys, Blendin, the time-tape, everything." Stated Wendy harshly.
The twins stared at her in pale uncomprehending horror. Mabel quickly put Waddles behind her back protectively as she glanced back and forth between her friend and brother concerned.
And Dipper...Dipper threw himself on his hands and knees in front of Wendy-
"I'm sorry Wendy! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry for not being strong or smart enough to keep you from getting hurt!" Screamed Dipper as all the guilt, despair, and anxiety he'd been bottling up today came gushing out like a geyser. "I'll do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness!" He then pulls out the journal. "There's a spell here that'll make me your slave forever, I'll give it to you if we can at LEAST stay friends!" He pleads.
Mabel and Wendy looked on this display stunned. On top of Wendy's anger...she now felt uncomfortable and flustered. She groaned. "Wow..okay..Dipper...please get up." Stated Wendy awkwardly.
Dipper dose as she asks confused. "Wait...aren't you mad at me?"
Wendy groans. "I...I just don't know Dipper...on the one hand, yes I am mad that you let me get hurt seemingly a hundred times- She stopped mid-sentence. "Wait...was I hit a bunch of times...or just one time? Dose it count if I only remember one and the rest was erased because you went back to make it not happen... but then it DID happen...only in a way it didn't...but the amount of times didn't go up...I mean they sorta did...maybe, kinda, in away that they also didn't- GAH!" She cried out suddenly as this time-speaking gave her a headache. "Whatever! You know what I mean!" The two twins hastily nodded.
Then Wendy got even more flustered. "And then on the other hand...you were mainly doing it to make things right with me(it seemed like she never did check to see if he was alright afterward and make sure he knew that she didn't blame him for what happened in the original timeline)...and because I put it in your head that that stupid stuffed animal was more important then anything in the world...
Despite the situation Wendy smiled at Dipper. "It was sweet you took my teen melodrama seriously and were willing to go to such lengths to do that for me...unbelievably stupid...but sweet nonetheless."
Then she takes a deep breath. "As for choosing your sister over me"... Dipper felt his insides churn with anxiety.
Wendy sighed. "Look Dipper...if my siblings were in a similar situation...I'd probably have done the same thing...your a good brother...that's something I can admire, even respect...
Dipper felt hope rise in his heart-
"That being said...I am also pissed that you did that!" Exclaimed Wendy suddenly.
Dipper blanched in confusion. "Wait, what!?...but you just said-
Wendy groaned. "I know. I know...and I meant that...but I'm also...I kinda." Wendy let out a really annoyed growl as she pulled at her hair. "Look I'm just really confused and mad right now, okay!" She confessed exasperated.
She then turns to Mabel. "And I'm especially furious with you!" She snaps while pointing an accusatory finger at the sweatred-twin.
"Wait, what!?" Exclaims both twins confused. "Wha- Why are you mad at me?" Asked Mable perplexed.
Wendy gave her a 'are you serious look'. "You were perfectly okay with throwing me- YOUR FRIEND -under the bus for a PIG you knew for only what? A day?!"
Mabel paled...now that it was brought to her attention...that was horrible! "But- I- That is-" She stuttered, so frazzled by shame and horror by these realizations that she couldn't form a proper comeback for once.
And Wendy wasn't done yet! "And don't think I haven't figured out your little scam! How could you put your brother through that!?" She snaps.
Both twins looked at her aghast. "Scam? Wendy, what are you talking about?" Asked a confused Dipper.
It was with a heavy heart that Wendy turned to Dipper. (Quasi-)Mad at him she maybe...but he didn't deserve to be back stabbed by someone he loved!
"Dipper think about it...how could she have survived an entire month of banging her head in one spot? With no food, water, or bathroom...what was to stop her from listening on when you'd get there, bribing soos and dressing herself up bad to fool you?"
Both twins gasped! What she was saying was horrible...but neither could argue with the logic!
Dipper felt a dark pit appear in his stomach...he turned to Mabel...his sister...the one person in Gravity Falls who he always thought he could trust...
"Mabel...it's not true right?...please tell me it's not true!" He pleaded.
Mabel was in tears! "I...I don't know!" She admitted to everyone's horror. "When you put things back to normal, that never happened!...hadn't happened?...couldn't happen now?...GAH! I HATE TIME TRAVEL!" Shouted a teary Mabel...
…...
Invisible to all...Slenderman greedily gulped up Mabels succulent tears.
He then ripped off the balls of some random patrons and cooked them while skewered on kabobs...all the while sporting a 'DEATH TO DYSFUNCTIONAL SIBLING BONDS!' foam finger.
Hmmm...I wonder if I should tell them that it's more likely that Mabel's merely a victim of a poorly written plot-hole...and she's most likely innocent?...NAH! LET'S GIVE THIS BIOTCH SOME MUCH NEEDED CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! HA! HA!
Laughs Slenderman Malevolently as he leans over to whisper something into Dippers ear...
…...
How did she remember any of this at all? This was the thought that rang through Dippers head...and feed the fire of his doubt...
"Wait a minute- Said Dipper in horrified realization. "How did you remember any of this? Or what happened? Or what I did? I didn't bring you with me when I last time jumped! You shouldn't have remembered anything!"
Mabel was flabberghasted! "What?...I don't...I don't know! One moment I had no waddles...the next I did and I knew everything!" She explained desperately.
"Just like that? Magically?" Stated a skeptical and furious Wendy.
"Look, I don't know! I didn't question it! I was too busy being happy about having Waddles back!"
A tearful, frightened Mabel turned to Dipper. "Dipper, please I-
"I don't want to hear it Mabel! I can't even look at you right now!" Snapped an equally tearful Dipper, the seeming betrayal of his only sibling giving him the feeling of a thousand red hot knives in his body.
He turned around to storm off. "I'm going home!" He shouts.
"Oh, your going somewhere...but it ain't home."
The three Mystery Shack gang members turned to behold Slenderman...back inside his Temporal Lawyer disguise and accompanied by Lolph, Dundgren, and Blendin.
Wendy's eye widened; she'd been so busy stewing in these numerous epiphanies...she'd completely forgotten about them!
"Lolph stepped forward. "Mabel and Dipper Pines! By Time Baby Decree; your both under arrest!"
"What? Why!?" Exclaimed Dipper.
"You stole a dangerous piece of equipment that could've destroyed the universe if used improperly just to be a cockblock. And then let an innocent man take the fall for it." Stated Slenderman flatly.
Dipper was speechless...
Wendy was not. "Wait, cockblock? What are you talking about-
"And used it to win a pig!" Interrupted Blendin. "Don't forget that!"
Slenderman gave him a weird look. "What are you talking about? They didn't steal it to do that! If anything using it nearly LOST them the pig! Get your facts straight you edjit!" Snapped Slenderman at a chastised Blendin, before pausing the world and turning to the reader.
If it wasn't clear; that last little tangent directed at Blendin; was a minor Bash directed at the episode 'Blendin's Game'...Right, TIME IN!
Shouts Slenderman as the world UNpauses. He gestures to the three kids. "Right, arrest them all! They are to be punished with a 'special' Globnar of my own design!" He cackled.
"Wait, what!?" Screamed the Mystery Shack gang.
"Wait a minute!" Shouts Lolph. "I get Mabel and Dipper, but why the other girl? Far as I can tell she had nothing to do with it!"
Dundgren nodded. "Yeah, and since when do lawyers decide the punishment, and what do you mean a Globnar of you own-
"GAH! Come on guys! I'm tired! And the Chapter is already obscenely long! Just roll with it!" Shouts an annoyed Slenderman as he snaps his fingers, causing the time police to immediately fall into line to shackle and escort the three very confused kid adventurers(and one bewildered pig) into the time vortex.
Slenderman turns back to the reader one last time. HATERS GONNA HATE! Screamed Slenderman as he flipped off the audience before diving backward into the vortex...
…...
TO BE CONTINUED?
That last 'what the hell hero' comment directed at Dipper was inspired by 'Depthsofthemind', thank you man! Appreciated it!
The song is a parody of TOBYMAC's song 'Tonight'
AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?
Love me, flame me, review me