Author's Note: Yes, I recognise that this is v. weird. What we did was put all the names on the character list in a box and pick out a random three. Frank Longbottom, Remus & Madam Pomfrey was the result. And, jeopardising your sanity, there will be more of these. Have fun reading.

Disclaimer: We don't own Frodo - er - I mean - Harry Potter. (We do own Frodo. We keep him under the bed)

Remus Lupin, Frank Longbottom and Poppy Pomfrey

Just for the sake of the story, imagine that Frank is in third year, Remus in fifth and Madam Pomfrey is just Madam Pomfrey.

Frank Longbottom hated Madam Pomfrey with a passion. Aside from the fact that she'd stolen his stuffed bird collection the year before, she was stealing his Remus. His Remus. Regularly – too regularly, Frank thought – Remus Lupin was in the hospital wing – over night. It seemed to Frank that there was only one thing that could be happening: Madam Pomfrey and Remus Lupin were together – as in, sleeping together. For, how could you be somewhere with Remus Lupin that often and not eventually succumb to the temptation? And Madam Pomfrey, Frank thought, in a twisted way, was quite good-looking, so… This made Frank very, very angry.

Frank's hatred for Madam Pomfrey was one-sided. Extremely one-sided. Madam Pomfrey's love for Frank Longbottom more than matched Frank's hatred of Madam Pomfrey. She often found herself wishing that Frank was one of those people who was sick all the time – then he could be with her often. Alas, it was not to be: in Frank's two-and-a-half years at Hogwarts, only twice had he had to come to Madam Pomfrey.

So, at the beginning of our story, Madam Pomfrey is sitting in the hospital wing, dreaming of Frank, while Remus sleeps peacefully in a bed nearby. Frank decides, at last, to confront Madam Pomfrey and Remus about their relationship. He storms in to the hospital wing, determined and angry, with speeches all prepared in his head. When the moment comes, however – when he bursts the door open – all he can manage is, "You – you… YOU AND HIM!!"

Madam Pomfrey is puzzled, but in the presence of her love, she can't quite make her mouth form coherent sentences. "I…Frank…" she tries, then finally comes up with a not-quite-normal question. "Come you what for?" She flushes. "I mean, what come you for? – What did you come for?"

Frank is white with rage. "Don't pretend innocence!" he sputters. "You know full well what I'm talking about!"

"I – no – think you…" There's only one thing she can say: "Shhh, don't wake Remus."

"Yeah?!" Frank demands. "And what was he doing all last night that made him so tired? What was he doing with you?!"

Remus blearily opens his eyes. "What..?" he mumbles. "Go away – I'm sleeping."

"You SICK, TWISTED BEING!" Frank spits at Madam Pomfrey. "You would – you, with him! My sweet little Remykins!"

Remus gives a horrified squeak. "Your what?! What did you call me?"

"My sweet little Remykins…" Frank says dreamily. "I love you, Remus." Suddenly his face crinkles up with anger. "BUT YOU'RE WITH MADAM POMFREY!!!"

"Call me Poppy, dear." Madam Pomfrey says sweetly.

Frank runs for the door. He is still running today. That's what sent him mad – it wasn't really Voldie at all.