SPOILER ALERT! This vignette elaborates on a scene in chapter 118 in volume 20 of the manga. This won't spoil the overall plot since the scene is actually a kind of side story and doesn't deal with the why's or how's of what's going on. Still, it is a spoiler so you have now been warned!

Here is some background for those who haven't read the manga and choose to read this anyway. Hiro's little sister, Hinata, is a few months old and her birth has changed him a lot. He's a loving and doting brother and he spends a lot of time playing with her. He's also been growing and changing a lot physically, as boys do at that age! He still loses his temper sometimes or does things he doesn't mean to though and internally berates himself for it. This story gives some of his thoughts during a scene in the manga. I've paraphrased the dialogue slightly to flow better, but otherwise I've tried very hard to follow exactly what the manga portrays.

RENASCENCE

It hadn't rained yet. The air was still heavy, warm and humid, just as it had been since he woke up. Hinata still played on the floor with the doll he had given her. He could hear the clatter of a cooking pan his mother dropped in the kitchen, but it didn't annoy and worry him as it usually would have. Everything had changed.

Hiro stared at his hands, unsure of how to react. Where did this feeling come from? How did he know? Was it even true? Was his mind playing tricks on him?

He looked at Hinata, sitting precariously upright and mouthing the doll. Somehow he thought she might have noticed, that she could hear the screaming confusion in his head. But she still sat there, absorbed in infant concentration on eating the doll's hat.

Hiro reached out to her, then hesitated, suddenly terrified by hope. What if it's not true? What if I transform? What if I scare her? He had been so careful with her, and yet so jealous. Everyone else in the steady parade of well-wishers when she was born had been able to pick her up. He could only stand and watch.

Never before had he actually desired the ability to embrace anyone, much less a girl. His father, while loving, rarely expressed his emotions physically. Hiro shared that trait. Mother used to hug him and laugh when he transformed, then squeeze him even tighter. He had liked that when he was a little kid, but he wasn't little anymore.

He hated the transformations now. Hated the sudden crushing feeling as his being was compressed into something smaller. Hated the helplessness of his animal form. Still, something just then had told him that he wouldn't transform, that he was different. He was fully human for the first time in his life.

Hinata turned and looked up at him, a toothless baby smile filling her face. She saw his outstretched hands and held up her arms to him to be picked up. How many times had he seen her silently ask him this way to be held? How many times already in her short life had he disappointed her and seen someone else do what he couldn't? She burbled and waved her arms at him again.

He wanted to be able to pick her up when she cried and soothe her the way mother did. He wanted to toss her in the air and catch her safe and laughing in his arms the way father did on occasion. What would it feel like?

More carefully than he had ever done anything, Hiro bent and put his hands under her arms. He started to pick her up, then stopped, unsure of how best to support her. He tried to think of how his mother carried her, but the whirling emotions in his brain wouldn't let him think.

Hinata, impatiently began to cry and Hiro's stomach clenched in panic. Stupid! Stupid! You're doing it again! You're disappointing her! Without further thought he scooped his arms under and around her and stood. The sudden lift up made Hinata squeal in delight and smack Hiro in the face with her toy. In spite of everything, in spite of the swirling confusion of emotions, he smiled in response.

She was heavier than he had expected, and yet so delicate. He clutched her against his chest awkwardly and she squirmed around. Shifting her weight, he settled her more securely in the crook of one arm. With a soft little sigh Hinata leaned her head on his shoulder and resumed her efforts to get the doll in her mouth. Her hair tickled his cheek. He could feel the movement of her breathing. The myriad sensations of actually holding someone, even his tiny baby sister, were nearly overwhelming.

He just stood there, trying to experience everything and nothing at once. It's true. I'm human. I'll never transform again. Never again. Never.

"Hirrrrro! Hinaaaata!" his mother's singsong voice called from the hallway. He tensed, fear rising in the back of his throat.

What if she was disappointed? She was always gushing about how she loved sheep and how cute his animal form was. What now? What if that's all she liked about him? He was constantly reprimanding her after all, always scolding her clumsiness, telling her to calm down. He certainly didn't act cute. For the first time he wondered what effect his criticism had on his mother.

"It's time for breakfast," she was saying as she opened the door. Hiro ducked his face against Hinata's soft hair; he couldn't look at her. He heard her startled gasp when she saw what had happened, but he was scared of what she would say.

"Somehow it's all complicated. I wish I could say I was happy about this," he started talking first. Why do I sound so pissed off? Stupid! He tried again, hoping his mother wouldn't think he was mad at her.

"I feel anger, and resentment . . . but regret and repentance too. And . . . and love." His voice was cracking now but he didn't care. "It's all a mess!" he cried.

His mother's arms wrapped around him and he tensed, instinctively expecting the transformation. Again, it didn't happen.

"You have lived with all those emotions, along with sorrow and pain binding you all this time. Still, look how far you have come. Those bonds were such a part of you that now when you've been released, you are lonely without them. Farewells are always solitary." She took a shaky breath.

Finally accepting what had happened, Hiro relaxed and leaned against his mother. She laughed and squeezed him even tighter, just like she used to. Hinata stared up at him in innocent curiosity and he managed to smile at her through his tears. Nothing had changed.

Outside the rain suddenly started drumming on the ground, as if it had been waiting for its cue.

Notes:

If you are interested in seeing the manga version of this scene, try this link (putting in the appropriate punctuation marks of course!) http(colonslashslash)downloads(dot)thespectrum(dot)net(slash)fruits(underscore)basket(slash)fruitvol20(slash)fruit(underscore)v20(underscore)138(dot)shtml

Renascence, by the way, means rebirth.

I wrote this in a non-stop burst of inspiration as soon as I had read the manga, so it's a little raw perhaps. I wanted to capture the mix of emotions Hiro must have been feeling. Any constructive suggestions for improvements to this story are welcomed.

-Neg