Disclaimer: I do not claim to have created the characters in this story – they either appear in the books by L. Frank Baum or in the MGM film, The Wizard of Oz – but, rather, I have recreated them according to my own imaginings.

On a gorgeous day in the Land of Oz, Kiki Aru, the only male witch in Oz, marched down the Yellow Brick Road, which served as Munchkin City's main street. He was a darkly handsome young man – tall and lean, with longish black hair and a studded dog collar around his neck. He was wearing a black T-shirt with a big white skull printed on the front and black jeans that were ripped to reveal his black-and-white striped socks. His heavy black boots thudded against the hard yellow bricks as he strode toward his destination.

Kiki Aru was carrying a tin lunch box that contained all his witchy stuff. On the lid, a rainbow sticker was proudly and prominently displayed. He knew it was a bit late now, but he wanted to pay his respects to the departed Wicked Witch of the East. He was making his way to the place where she died. There it was: the old farmhouse where Dorothy Gale had once lived. The Witch of the East had been crushed when the house had fallen out of the sky, right on top of her.

Kiki kneeled down at the corner of the house and reached underneath. He pulled out a pair of black-and-white striped stockings – just like his own socks. According to local legend, the Witch's legs had curled up inside their stockings and turned to dust just as the famous ruby slippers were fitted to the feet of Dorothy Gale from Kansas.

Those red shoes were once right here, thought Kiki, where now he was left clutching two empty stockings. Even the Wicked Witch of the West had been unable to get her hands on the ruby slippers when she had come here upon hearing of her sister's death.

The witch boy opened his lunchbox and took out five black candles, which he positioned around the striped stockings that were still pinned down by the house. He was just about to light the candles when he heard someone calling his name.

'Hey, Kiki!'

He turned around. Oh, shit! he thought. The three guys standing on the spiral that marked the beginning of the Yellow Brick Road were the Lollipop Boys, otherwise known as the Lollipop Guild. They were always giving Kiki a tough time because he liked to wear heavy eyeliner and paint his nails black. These Munchkins were not dwarves but man-sized hunks, all three. When Dorothy had first arrived in Oz, she had found that the Munchkins were all more or less her height, but that was only because Dorothy was such a tall girl – tall as a sunflower springing from the Kansas dirt, or at least that's what people said. The Lollipop Guild had, of course, been on hand to welcome Dorothy on the day she crashed in Oz.

The trio of Lollipop Boys was dressed in tight blue shirts and denim cut-off shorts.

'What ya doin', Freaky Kiki, trying to communicate with your dead idol?' asked Andy, the leader of the Lollipop Guild, as his two cronies sniggered.

Kiki despised the Lollipop Boys. 'Kiss my ass!" he spat.

'Suck my lollipop!' countered Andy, holding up a large lollipop, although the implication was clear enough.

Kiki knew a neat trick to get rid of them. With a snap of his fingers, he made their clothes fly off, leaving them in their underwear. Kiki thought to himself that these guys actually were pretty hot.

'Holy shit!' they cursed in unison. They turned to run – and crashed into a girl with long auburn hair.

'Hey, boys,' she said. 'You must be feeling really frisky today. I've just got here and you've already stripped down to your boxers. Oh, well, I'm in the mood for a foursome.'

The girl was Betsy Bobbin, Dorothy's slutty friend from high school. She was wearing a tight white shirt, made especially revealing by the fact that she wasn't wearing a bra. Her tartan mini-skirt was short enough as it was, but Betsy made sure to bend over just enough to give the Lollipop Boys a quick panty shot. People didn't call her the Whore of Oz for nothing.

She noticed Kiki and said, 'Hey, Goth boy, you're welcome to join us, if you want.'

'Don't waste your time on him,' said Andy. 'He plays for the other team.'

Betsy looked confused for a second.

'Honey,' said Kiki, 'what you're selling, I ain't buying.'

'Omigod! Are you a friend of Dorothy's?'

'Do you mean that literally or figuratively?' Kiki asked with a smile.

'Ugh, I should have known,' said Betsy. 'I'd introduce you to Dorothy but she's already getting a reputation as a fruit fly – if you get my drift.'

Kiki wished she would introduce him to Dorothy so that at least he'd be able to see those famous shoes of hers. But before he could say so, Betsy and the Lollipop Boys slipped into one of the dome-roofed Munchkin houses.

Kiki had already forgotten his flimsy plan of calling up the spirit of the Witch of the East. If he couldn't meet Dorothy in person, maybe he could take a private tour of her old house. The door was unlocked, so Kiki stepped inside and looked around. The place was a mess but that was to be expected, since the house had been blown to Oz by a tornado. It was a wonder that there was anything left of it.

He sat down on a plush green sofa and tried to imagine what it must have been like when the house was caught up inside the cyclone.

Dorothy Gale had certainly come a long way from being a Kansas farmgirl. After returning to Oz, she had made friends with Ozma, the transsexual princess who now ruled the land. Dorothy now lived with her in the Royal Palace in the Emerald City. Naturally, she was also in constant contact with her old pals – the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion. When she came back, Dorothy had also brought along the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, her friend Betsy Bobbin, and her cousin Zeb Hugson.

Zeb had been a ranch hand in California but now he too lived in the Emerald City with Dorothy, who seemed to dote on him. In celebration of his twenty-first birthday, she had given him a shiny new red convertible. (She could have had a car of her own if she had wished, but it was so much simpler to use her magic slippers to take her anywhere she wanted to go.)

If Betsy Bobbin was known as the Whore of Oz, then Dorothy's cousin was famous for being the Gay Cowboy of Oz. He had often been sighted driving around Oz with his hot blond boyfriend, Bruno, a former sailor.

Thinking about the Cowboy and the Sailor made Kiki wish for a boyfriend of his own. He felt that, if he was as powerful as the Witches of the East and West had been, he'd be able to have any guy he wanted. He remembered the legendary Witch of the West – a leather-clad dominatrix who had whipped her Winkie slaves into submission. Then, of course, Dorothy had come along and melted her. The Witch's castle had been converted into a fetish club, which was rather fitting, and Kiki thought that he might check the place out some time.

Then an idea suddenly hit him. Both Wicked Witches were now dead…but couldn't there be a new Wicked Witch in Oz? Kiki decided that he was just the man for the job. He could rule Munchkinland! Then those Lollipop Boys would have to think twice before dissing him again. But how would he gain enough power to take over this place? The Wicked Witch of the East had had the ruby slippers, but now Dorothy's feet were firmly planted in those shoes. Still, if Kiki could somehow get those shoes for himself, their magic would give him incredible power. With so many possibilities in mind, he hopped on a broomstick and took off for the Emerald City.

A new day began in the Emerald City. The towers of Ozma's Palace sparkled in the morning light. A few of the inhabitants had already awoken.

Zeb Hugson was awake but still in bed, in the large and luxurious suite of rooms he shared with Bruno, who was still asleep next to him. Zeb looked over at his hunky, bare-chested boyfriend. He could see the cute little anchor tattoo on Bruno's left upper-arm. Zeb thought about how lucky he was.

When Dorothy had found him, Zeb had been reading manga comics (the boy-meets-boy kind) and dreaming of romance. Since the Kansas girl had brought him to Oz, it seemed like all his dreams had come true. The Land of Oz was like a giant candy store where Zeb could have whatever his heart craved. Oz was such a colorful, weird and exciting place – for Zeb it was like an anime cartoon that had exploded into reality.

It was while Dorothy and her entourage had been doing a club crawl of Manhattan (If her shoes could take her anywhere in the world, she was going to use them for that exact purpose.) that Zeb had met Bruno. Zeb had been at a club called Foxville, where a Halloween party was underway. He remembered it so well: Gwen Stefani's song What You Waiting For? was playing over the speaker system, and everywhere he looked, Zeb had seen guys in costumes – firefighters, cops, astronauts, superheroes, and Air Force pilots. Zeb himself had (naturally) been wearing a sequined cowboy hat and leather chaps. While he was sipping the strawberry daiquiri that had been served to him by the buff, shirtless barman, Bruno had sidled up to him. They started talking and hit it off right away. Bruno was a sailor, in port and looking for action, which he got. Zeb had taken him back to Oz with him. How wonderful it was to make love in the City of Emeralds!

Zeb was rudely snapped out of his reverie by Dorothy, who burst into the room with her dog, Toto, trotting along at her heels.

'Jesus, Dorothy,' said Zeb. 'Do I come barging into your room when you're in bed with your boyfriend? What if we'd been doing it?'

'Sorry,' said Dorothy, 'but I just heard some juicy gossip and I had to tell someone about it.'

Miraculously, Bruno was still asleep. 'Okay,' said Zeb. 'Dish.'

In another room, so as not to wake Bruno, Dorothy said in a rush of words: 'The Scarecrow and the Patchwork Girl are getting divorced and the Scarecrow is shacking up with the Tin Man!'

'Big surprise,' said Zeb, smiling but unimpressed. 'The Scarecrow's been banging the Tin Man the whole time he's been married to the Patchwork Girl. I thought it was just one of those things everyone knew about but no one mentioned.'

'You mean you've known all along?' asked Dorothy, who was disappointed to have been left out of the loop.

'Yeah. A while back, Bruno and I went clubbing at the Witch's Castle – it's a really kinky place. Anyway, the Tin Man's mansion is in the same neighborhood and, driving by, I saw him and the Scarecrow through a window, locked in a loving embrace. Of course, there have been rumors, too.'

'The poor Patchwork Girl!' exclaimed Dorothy. 'This whole time, her hubby's been on the Down Low! I wonder if she even had a clue….'

While Zeb was taking a shower, probably soon to be accompanied by Bruno, Dorothy went out into the Palace gardens. The pretty 18-year-old was wearing her obligatory ruby slippers, white knee socks, a blue-and-white checked skirt, and a white shirt, tied up to reveal her midriff. Her trademark pigtails were held in place by blue bows. She had Toto tucked under one arm – she carried that dog around like he was a handbag.

Betsy Bobbin was in the gardens, skating around in a pair of roller-blades. She was wearing hot pants and a boob tube and she was sucking suggestively on a large lollipop – a souvenir from the previous day's encounter with the Lollipop Guild.

'Hi,' she said when she saw Dorothy. 'I love your outfit. You look like a naughty schoolgirl in a dirty fantasy.'

'Well, I was going for the Schoolgirl Lolita look,' admitted Dorothy. 'But look who's talking! You look like the Rollergirl in Boogie Nights.'

'Thanks,' said Betsy, 'I'll take that as a compliment. Oh look, an extra from Brokeback Mountain!'

Zeb had just appeared, along with Bruno. 'Well, good morning to you too,' he said. 'Slut.'

At that moment, Princess Ozma came through the doors of the Palace, followed by the Cowardly Lion, who was wearing a faux fur coat that, besides being fairly redundant, made him look like a pimp.

Ozma was wearing a mint-green sheath dress and a long coat trimmed with fluffy feathers. Her dark hair had a green sheen as it caught the light. 'Morning, everybody,' she said. 'Hey, Dorothy, I'll bet you're excited – isn't your boyfriend getting out of jail today?'

'Oh, I almost forgot!' said Dorothy. 'I can't wait to see him again.'

Dorothy's boyfriend, Ojo, a petty criminal, had come to the Emerald City from Munchkinland, accompanied by the Patchwork Girl. He had been trying to make his fortune but kept getting into trouble with the law. When Dorothy first met him she had taken an instant liking to him (Perhaps she had a thing for bad boys.) and since then they'd had a lot of fun together – the kind that had inspired several steamy entries in Dorothy's diary.

'I'll just bet you can't wait to see him again, you ho,' said Betsy, with a grin.

'Yeah, well, the last time I got up close and personal with someone was when Ozma and I got drunk at that party and started making out.'

'And feeling each other up,' added Zeb.

'I took pictures to show you,' said Bruno. 'Then Betsy got a hold of them and put them on the Internet.'

'Betsy, you bitch,' said Dorothy, slapping her friend on the shoulder.

'I wasn't drunk,' said Ozma, who was known to swing both ways. ('People do go both ways,' the Scarecrow had once said.)

'Ozma, you took advantage of me!' exclaimed Dorothy.

'Think we can get her to take advantage of you again?' said a voice. It was Ojo. He had come up behind Dorothy and put his muscular arms around her, copping a quick feel. His blue hair lay in jagged bangs over his forehead and was gathered into a short ponytail at the back. 'Girl-on-girl action is so hot.'

'Ojo, you perv,' said Dorothy. 'I've missed you!' She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

The Scarecrow and the Tin Man showed up then.

'Hey, you two,' said Dorothy. 'I heard you're moving in together. Congrats!'

'How's the wife?' asked Ojo, who had introduced the Scarecrow to the Patchwork Girl.

'Bitching about alimony,' answered the Scarecrow. 'She's already getting the house, for Christ's sake!'

All this time, Dorothy and her friends were unaware that they were being watched. Hiding behind an immense rosebush was none other than Kiki Aru. He had flown over the Palace wall on the broomstick and was now hidden by the shrubbery, staring at Dorothy's fabulous shoes, which glittered in the bright sunlight. The hue of these shoes was such a deep red – red: the color of love and life and sexual power. Kiki was almost hypnotized by those ruby slippers. He must have them! Oh, the things he could do with all that power! Did Dorothy even realize how much power those shoes gave her?

The scarlet shoes were beginning to burn an image into his retina, so Kiki looked away, turning his attention to Zeb, who was looking every bit like the fetishized gay cowboy. He was wearing boots, crotch-hugging jeans, and a tight T-shirt emblazoned with the words COWBOY BEBOP. A cowboy hat (well, duh!) sat atop his head. Zeb's hair was brown, like Dorothy's. His eyes were blue, like Dorothy's. He looked so devastatingly gorgeous that Kiki thought to himself, 'As soon as I get those damn ruby slippers from Dorothy, I'm going to make Zeb mine!'

Kiki leaned in to get a closer look at Zeb but lost his balance and fell through the rose hedge. He felt like flames were dancing across his skin as the sharp thorns cut into him. He hit the ground, much to the surprise of Dorothy and company.

At the sight of bloody Kiki, the Lion yelped and asked, 'What's that? What's that?' He then hid behind Ozma and Betsy, while little Toto growled at the intruder.

'Oh, he's hurt!' said the Tin Man, who, being naturally empathetic, began to cry.

'Stop crying!' snapped the Scarecrow. 'You know how it makes you rust.'

'But I thought you liked oiling me all over,' whined the Tin Man.

'Eeeew! That's too much information!' cried Betsy.

'You poor thing,' Dorothy said to Kiki, while trying to restrain Toto, who had already tried to bite the stranger. 'Come on, let's get those cuts cleaned up.' She helped Kiki to his feet and led him into the Palace.

Kiki's injuries were actually minimal and, after Dorothy had patched him up with a band-aid or two, everyone was once again gathered in the Palace gardens.

'So, why were you hiding behind that rosebush?' asked Zeb, who was intrigued by this new arrival.

Kiki had to think fast. 'Um… I wasn't hiding, I was just…um.' He would have to use what little magic he knew of to get out of this tricky situation. He reached into his pocket and produced an object that looked like a compact. He handed it to Betsy, saying, 'The Lollipop Boys asked me to give you this. They said you left it behind yesterday.'

'Oh, thank you,' said Betsy, 'but this isn't my compact. Hey, now I remember you. You're that gay guy I met in Munchkinland. You came all the way here to give me a compact that isn't even mine? How sweet!'

'What's your name?' asked Zeb.

'I'm Kiki Aru.'

'Kiki Aru?' said Dorothy, barely suppressing a giggle. 'What an interesting name.'

While Kiki tried to make conversation with Zeb, Betsy whispered to Dorothy, 'I think he just wanted to come here so he could meet you. When I met him, he was standing outside your old house, like he was visiting a shrine or something. Who knows? Maybe you're gaining some kind of iconic status amongst Oz's gay community or something.'

'Well, I certainly seem to have enough gay friends,' Dorothy said thoughtfully. 'What's one more?'

She was going to tell Kiki how pleased she was to meet a fan of hers, but at that moment, he seemed to be involved in some kind of lively discussion with Bruno so, instead, she collapsed onto a deck chair with Ojo and started making out.

Zeb had wandered off to help Ozma fish Toto out of the koi pond and, boy, did Kiki enjoy watching him bend over! It was then that Bruno had come up to him.

'Don't think I don't know what you're up to,' he said, 'chatting to Zeb and acting all innocent when all the while you're undressing him with your eyes. Don't try to deny it! I can see the way you look at him. Let's just get one thing crystal clear: Zeb is my man, and if I ever catch you drooling over him again, I'll kick your ass all the way back to Munchkinland.'

Bruno stomped off, leaving Kiki standing there, stunned into silence and more than a little frightened by the brawny sailor.

By this time, Ojo was on top of Dorothy, kissing her all over while she giggled loudly. 'Looks like they have the right idea,' Bruno said to Zeb, before pushing him up against a tree and kissing him deeply, slipping his tongue into Zeb's mouth.

Meanwhile, the Cowardly Lion was napping in the shade, purring like a kitten. Having nothing else to do, Betsy thought that she might as well have her first lesbian experience and allowed Ozma to kiss her. The Scarecrow was rubbing polish on the Tin Man's back in a vaguely erotic way, and it seemed as if Kiki would be left to witness an Oz orgy pretty soon. As it was, the Cowboy and the Sailor had already ripped each other's shirts off.

Now was his chance! He crawled over to the deck chair that held the writhing forms of Dorothy and Ojo, and made a grab for the slipper on Dorothy's left foot. Kiki felt a searing pain as both ruby slippers sent out a flurry of hot sparks. He pulled his hand back. His burned skin was already beginning to blister.

'What the hell are you doing?' yelled Dorothy, pushing Ojo off of her. She was on her feet like lighting and seething with anger. 'You were trying to steal my shoes, weren't you? I nurse your injuries and welcome you into my circle of friends and this is the thanks I get?! I am so sick of people trying to steal my fucking shoes!'

'Those shoes should be mine!' retorted Kiki. 'I need them if I am to become Kiki Aru, the new Wicked Witch of the East. You don't deserve those shoes. When you first came to Oz, all you did was bitch about how much you wanted to go home. Why don't you just go home, and leave the shoes with me?'

'Screw that!' said Dorothy. 'My Aunt Em and Uncle Henry had to move into a trailer park after the twister blew our old house away. I may be many things, but trailer trash is not one of them.'

'Could've fooled me!' Kiki shot back. 'And by the way – that checked gingham skirt makes your ass look big.'

'How dare you insult my outfit!' gasped Dorothy. 'That's rich coming from a guy who is (1) wearing more mascara than I am, and (2) desperate to squeeze his feet into my ruby slippers.'

The others were all looking on in mute shock at this unexpected scene.

Then Princess Ozma spoke up: 'I think you should leave right now. Get lost! Go raid the makeup counter at the Emerald City Mall.'

'Oh,' spluttered Kiki, 'big words coming from the princess who USED TO BE A BOY!'

'Shut the hell up!' roared Ozma. 'We don't talk about that!'

'Get your ass out of here NOW!' screamed Dorothy.

'Not until you hand over the shoes,' said Kiki, almost delirious. He was furious and desperate (and a little randy at the sight of Zeb shirtless).

Kiki launched himself at Dorothy and wrestled her to the ground (which was a grave mistake since Dorothy was not one to be provoked). Ojo wanted to go to his girlfriend's aid but at the sight of the flailing arms and legs, he decided it was best to keep a safe distance.

Kiki tugged hard on one of Dorothy's pigtails but she grabbed his hand and wrenched his arm behind his back. Kiki clamped his mouth shut in pain. All the dreams he'd had were being shattered.

'Let go of him, Dorothy,' said Zeb. 'You'll break his arm.'

Reluctantly, Dorothy released Kiki. He got up and dusted himself off. His cuts had begun to bleed again. This had been one of the worst days of his life: He had been scratched by thorns, threatened by a gay sailor, burned by Dorothy's dangerous yet desirable footwear, and beaten up by a girl. Maybe it was time to call it quits.

'Fine,' said Kiki. 'I'm leaving now, but you haven't heard the last of me. I will have my revenge and I will have those ruby slippers!'

'In your dreams,' said Dorothy. 'Watch out for falling houses.'

'I'll get you all!' ranted Kiki. Then, almost as an after-thought, he said, 'Except for you, Zeb.' He planted a quick kiss on Zeb's handsome face, and turned on his heel and tried to walk away with as much dignity as possible. He went behind the vicious rosebush where he'd stashed his broom and took off like a skyrocket.

'Good riddance!' said Bruno, draping a protective arm over Zeb's bare shoulders.

'Freak,' was all Dorothy said as she watched Kiki Aru soar into the clouds.