A/N: Okay everyone, some of you may have read my more serious take on Mass Effect with 'Primed to Defend the Universe.' This on the other hand is strictly comedic fare so don't flame me please when Thane, Garrus, Joker and many more of our favourite characters meet gruesome yet hilarious ends! Multiple franchises are involved, all of which are close to my heart and by the end you may agree that these guys can serve the Galaxy much better than the dirty dozen...
SYNOPSIS: The last of the Time Lords discovers the Reaper threat, only for his luck to finally run out. Now his last hope is Commander Johnathan 'Zap' Shepard: Hero, saviour, icon, he doesn't know the meaning of these words. It's time for the Commander and his ragtag crew to meet the true Messiah - and his apostles...WARNING! Character deaths! Black humour! Complete crack-fic! Don't take too seriously!
Mass Correct!
The Normandy was crippled, the surprise attack had bypassed her stealth systems and left her tumbling through space. Jeffrey 'Joker' Moreau had been wracking his brains trying to work out how the heat emissions sinks had failed to protect them from the alien cruiser's scanners.
Commander Johnathan 'Zap' Shepard, with his dashing, chiseled good looks and penchant for cowardice rushed to the refridgeration controls by the sleeper pods. He should have known that re-routing the IES's power to heat his cabin while he made hot and heavy love to Ashley Williams would not end well!
As his crew were fried by the particle beam attacks or torn to shreds by hull breaches, Zap tried to hide his gross negligence under the pretense of launching a distress beacon, sweat pouring off his buzz-cut head and drenching his face; it had been a damnably foolish thing to do sabotaging Pressly's console so that the faulty IES system wouldn't register. If someone even tapped the damage control terminal it would probably blow up in their face, but how often did Pressly leave the CIC?
"Huh, he'll be fine," though John dismissively as he deleted his login details and online history using all of the illicit hacking skills he had learned while running bank scams for the fourth street Reds back on Earth.
Even above all the noise of explosions and screaming crew members who had been added recently for publicity, Zap could hear Ashley race up behind him to make sure her fling hadn't hurt himself as he was wont to do.
"Shepard!" She called nasally, on the verge of reaching him; desperate for her not to see that he had tried on her foundation (and other make-up) that morning, John slammed his helmet on and sealed it.
"Distress beacon is ready for launch."
"Will the Alliance get here in time?" She asked childishly, Zap kicked himself inwardly for choosing this dumbass specimen of his own kind; Liara had been falling over him and he'd had her eating out of the palm of his hand...
"Shepard!" She yelled again, he jumped out of his fantasy, realizing that he had been standing there as if he was in some video game, or something. He took charge while Ashley was knocked back by turbulence, John did not move to help her as he pressed some buttons behind his back which turned off the screen he was shielding from her view, then he seized a fire extinguisher.
"I'm not doing this so they can find our frozen corpses!" Among other things, he gulped remembering his Fornax subscriptions that were still being wiped from the ship's server. "Get everyone to the escape pods!" He tossed the heavy bastard thing over his back but he was not strong enough. The metal cylinder fell short, striking Ashley in the shin and toppling her into the nearby blaze of an electrical fire.
She shrieked as the flame bloomed higher but Zap was too busy listening to the main theme of Inception on his helmet's radio to hear: That music was sure giving this life or death situation an epic vibe! He twisted a release valve frantically to vent excess oxygen. "screw those who haven't reached respitory gear! I want to live! No oxygen, means no bloody fire or explosions!"
Garrus Vakarian, (who had reached his own helmet in time), reached the middle deck and bumped into Johnathan as he sprinted away from the scene of the crime. "Shepard, what the hell's going on, where's Ashley?"
"Ash is dead buddy, Ash is dead, shrapnel must have got her, now, its time for the Captain to go down with his ship." He replied morosely.
"That's very brave of you John but I thi –"
"Nooo...Its very brave of you Garrus, from here on out you're acting Captain, congratulations Captain!" Shepard wrung Garrus's hand in abject terror, hidden behind a shit-eating grin, hidden behind lipstick, hidden behind an N7 helmet. "I'll be in the escape pods!" He called mockingly, leaving Garrus to rescue Joker from the cock-pit.
Zap didn't even wait for anyone else before activating his escape pod and soaring away, sighing in relief that Wrex hadn't been onboard to take a whole pod for himself, he probably would have gotten stuck in the opening! He was still laughing as a Collector particle beam tore through his unshielded mini-shuttle and blew him up in Alchera's orbit.
Somewhere in time and space...
"Doctor Who?" Quested Dorium Maldovar loudly from within the box that held his capitulated noggin. His shouts were directed towards the last Gallifreyan, who was striding arrogantly away, content to spend the rest of his days in obscurity and leave the Universe in peace...For about five seconds! There were places to go, people to see, more genocides to commit and of course, parallel Earths to save.
The Doctor leapt into his TARDIS, and continued to mistreat the living machine, having never learnt to pilot it properly even after six hundred years of hitting the controls with a wrench. He warped randomly to another time and place; overjoyed at cheating death, again, he ran away like a sissy girl.
And...Straight into the Reaper fleet, who were all quite surprised to see a blue 1950s police box materialize in space before them as they came out of hibernation. The Doctor swung the doors open, giddy as a school boy, his face fell somewhat as he beheld the armada of culling death squids.
"Oh, you guys are – beautiful!" He gasped in ecstasy at seeing undiscovered life.
"You will die now, genetic accident, for daring to sully our presence," crackled their leader, who had glowing yellow orbs in a smiley face arrangement on the outer hull, extremely at odds with his chilling synth voice. The Doctor leant out of the TARDIS, arms on the side of the doors with a lazy grin on his face.
"Come on! Don't be that way! This is the Delta-Gamma quadrant just a few million parsecs outside the Milky Way, what are you robo boys doing out here?"
"Insignificant speck of bacterium, we are beyond your comprehension, we –"
"Oooh! A challenge!" The Doctor rubbed his palms together gleefully, "I love a challenge, lets see, you're all AI's judging by your high and mighty attitudes, trust me I should know, then there's the unmitigated gall at refering to me as a – oh oh."
Harbinger was charging his golden plasma beams, while other red beams charged throughout the fleet as well. The TARDIS just managed to dematerialize from that spot as the laser fire cut through the space he had inhabited moments before.
The Doctor was soon on the case once more, gathering allies in his battle against the newly discovered threat: the Reapers. As much as it galled the Time Lord, he knew that he would need a new assistant, someone with unrivalled combat skills and powerful alien technology to help him combat the mecha-organic menaces.
Samus Aran was polishing her collection of Yautja skulls in her penthouse on Daiban when the TARDIS phased into existence gradually, the huntress sighed, that man was nothing but trouble.
He had regenerated once more since she had seen her old adversary, he came bearing news of a Galactic threat in a parallel Universe, one which he was assembling a team of unique individuals to fight against them.
After some coaxing, the Doctor convinced Aran to accompany him.
"Oho! This will be super! Just think! You, me, Danny Boy, Captain Avery, Commander Strax, Madame Vastra, Jenny. All of the old debtors, we'll give these Reapers a thrashing they'll never forget."
Samus was looking through his dossiers with a mocking gleam in her eye, she had heard of the fiasco at Demon's Run, these morons were incompetant to an extreme.
"Lets not be so hasty Doctor, I have my own list of specialists here that could deal with the Reapers and their minions." She handed him the files she had compiled from multiple timelines.
"What's this?" Laughed the Doctor as he took the data pad from the armoured heroine and scanned it quickly. "Samus..." he broached eventually, "these people are monsterous! Murderers, cut-throats, the dregs of Human-kind!"
"No...They're people who aren't afraid to get their hands dirty, unlike someone I could mention..."
"Hey! Now wait one cotton-picking minute, this is my TARDIS and I say we're picking up my team. Unless you think you could fly her by yourself an -"
PAWNCH! Samus popped the Doctor's lights out with a quick tap to the jaw and began to reconfigure the central console, this eccentric idiot had the technical skill of a savant three year old! After some tinkering and careful scanning, Aran set the date and location ( which were newly installed features) for September 1974, Arlington National Cemetery, Virginia, USA; to pick up the man known as the greatest living soldier of the twentieth century.
A/N: A legendary icon, a feared bounty hunter, an unstoppable assassin, a sly corporate spy, a brawny soldier, a sadistic triple agent, a mild-mannered gunslinger, a rebelious conduit, a tortured shadow operative, a psychopathic engineer, a wise mentor, a stylish secret service preventor, a conflicted cyborg, a cultured scientist, a sympathetic monster slayer, a moralising counter-terrorist and a culinary mercenary. Together they will drive the Reapers back into Dark Space! Recruitment shall begin...SPOILERS ABOUND FOR SEVERAL GAME SERIES' YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!