TROUBLE ON OLYMPIC STREET
by Jrpanther and Ramleaf
DISCLAIMER: Xena: Warrior Princess, Gabrielle, Argo and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.
NOTE: All works remain the © copyright of the original author. These may not be republished without the author's consent.
Authors Note: This story takes place long before the series aired. Joxer, Jett and Jace are in their teens. My best guess is that they are about thirteen years old.
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Violence: |
Considerably less than an episode. A touch of gore. |
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Sex: |
Nein. |
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Language: |
Zip. |
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Subtext: |
If there were subtext in this story, it'd be illegal. Yuck! |
"Help, help!" cried the damsel in distress, shielding her eyes from the advancing marauder. She tripped over the purple velveteen frock and plowed into a large pile of hay. "Heeeeelp!" she shrieked.
"You're in big trouble, missy," snorted the marauder. "Hand it over. Your money or your life."
The damsel's hands fluttered nervously to her throat, and she shakily removed the garnet necklace.
"Thanks," said the marauder, snatching it from her soft, white hands.
"Not so fast." A silhouette appeared in the barn doorway. A sword was wielded in his hand and he appeared ready to strike. "Prepare for Justice, scum! Give me that necklace before I run you through! I'm warning you." The centurion stepped out of the shadows, the afternoon sunlight spreading across his features.
"I refuse," said the marauder. "You'll have to pry it from my cold, lifeless fingers!"
"Aaahhhhh!" The damsel's high-pitched wail filled the room as she sensed the impending fight. "I'm so afraid!"
The marauder charged towards the centurion, shoving him out through the door. The centurion stumbled backwards awkwardly as he was continually pushed. "Hey, hey woaah!" he cried, as his heel caught a protruding stone in the ground. His arms flailed wildly in the air as he slammed into the old fence next to the barn, collapsing it.
"Joxer!" cried the marauder and the damsel in unison. She placed her hands stubbornly on her hips and tapped her foot.
"Hey, I didn't mean it!" retorted Joxer, shooting a glare at the marauder. "If you hadn't pushed me into the fence, Jett, it wouldn't have broken like that!"
"Oh, don't be such a panty-twist," said the damsel, rolling her eyes.
"Shut up, Jace!"
A loud squawk turned their attention from each other. A plump young chicken was running amok in the grass, bobbing its head and flapping its wings. "Zeus," gasped Joxer, before bending over to pick up the clucking fowl. It hopped out from Joxer's grasp, chirped and skittered a few paces away. "We're going to get in trouble."
"No, you are going to get in trouble," said Jett, a sneer crossing his lips as he eyed his brother.
"Oh come on, Jett! Guys, help me catch it."
"Just a moment, my bosoms are falling out," replied Jace, as he adjusted himself, quickly catching the sunfruit that escaped from his bodice.
"You going to run in and cry to mama?" teased Jett cruelly, grabbing at Joxer's ear and twisting it.
"Ow, ow ow ow ow owowww!" Joxer wailed as he stood on his tip-toes.
Joxer the Mighty
Always stays inside, he
Never hurts the other boys
Even when they steal his toys
Joxer ignored his brother's taunts. He wrenched himself from his brother's grip.
The chicken's back was to him, its head bobbing up and down as it pecked idly at the ground for bits of seed.
He crept up, silent as a mouse, and managed to grip it by its rotund belly. "Ha-ha! You have been foiled by none other than Joxer the Mighty!" he cried boldly as he held the chicken, looking into its beady eyes. "Gaahh!" The chicken defiantly doled out a cluster of vicious pecks to his forehead and nose. Joxer dropped the chicken at his feet to clutch his face, and it ruffled its feathers and scuttled away to safety. "My nose, my nose!"
Jace tittered quietly, but Jett's guffaws were what brought their mother to the door. "Boys? What's going on?"
"Joxer broke the fence, and the neighbour's chicken got out," said Jett.
"...and it pecked him in the face!" laughed Jace.
"Yeah, shut up!"
"I don't care who did what," said their mother, holding up her hands. "You boys are going to fix that fence before Thelonius comes home and sees it. You're also going to catch that chicken. You hear me?"
"Yes mama," said the triplets in unison, hanging their heads.
She turned on her heel and slammed the rickety door.
Jett raised his chin and smirked. "Get to work, baby bro. You've got to fix that fence."
"Oh come on, guys! We broke it together, we can fix it together."
Jace bit his bottom lip guiltily. "Alright. I'm sorry, little brother. I'll help you out."
"What a wimp!" cried Jett, laughing as he slapped his more feminine sibling on the back.
Jett stood back and taunted the two brothers as they worked, hammering and nailing the boards into place.
Joxer the Mighty,
Man as Aphrodite
Jace the wimp, as all can see
That he was meant to be a she
Despite his jeers, the boys worked diligently as their brother paced back and forth, barking orders. Soon enough, the work was done.
"Who's the man now, Jett, you didn't do a stitch of work!" said Joxer defiantly.
"I don't do serf work. I hunt. I do man's work, not" he paused, eyeing Jace, sweaty in his purple stola, "girl's work." The tone of disgust and arrogance showed through in his voice, and the way he wavered his hand.
"Well if you're so good at hunting," retorted Jace, "you can help us hunt for that chicken."
"Chicken? You've gotta be kidding me. I don't hunt chickens. Only wimps have to hunt chickens. Which is why you two sissies are going to deal with it."
"I don't think you can catch the chicken," alleged Jace, with a quick flip of his wrist.
"Of course I can catch it!"
"Yeah, see, but I don't think you can either," said Joxer, the goofy grin quickly spreading. "You've never been all that fast."
"I'm fast."
"Prove it."
"I'm not falling for that, Joxer."
"Remember the time Jace and I beat you in the sack race?"
"That was because Jace is so used to running with fabric flapping around his legs Oh Zeus!"
"Ha-ha!" cried Joxer, pumping his fist in the air. "I knew it! All talk!"
"Okay. I'll help you dandies catch that chicken. But only because I know you can't do it on your own," said Jett, turning his nose up.
At that moment, a low clucking was heard from the bushes surrounding the barn. Jett spun around. "Watch this, you two babies, you can learn something," he whispered as he began to creep towards the bushes, slowly stalking the gurgling hen. He leapt forwards and attempted to get his arms around it, but as it had done to Joxer, it skipped from his grasp.
"Ok, we're going to have to go about this another way," he said, gathering his brothers around to explain his plan.
"Mine's ready, how bout you ladies?" bellowed Jett.
"Oh yes," said Jace, nodding emphatically. "I'm ready. I've been ready for the last twenty minutes." He inspected his nails critically.
"Uh, yeah, me too," Joxer quickly added as he furiously tried to finish his trap.
Jett turned to his little brother and fell on the ground laughing, clutching at his sides. "You expect to catch the chicken with that?" He sat up and continued to snicker.
Jace saw what his brother was laughing at and stifled a giggle. "Oh come on little brother," he jabbed, "That wouldn't work even if it was baited!"
"Hey, I baited it!" Joxer protested, flushing at his older brothers' remarks. "We should go hide, that chicken won't come through here if we're standing around like this." As Jace and Jett turned to find a good stakeout spot, Joxer quickly grabbed an acorn from the ground and placed it underneath his makeshift trap before joining his siblings.
"This is taking forever!" Jace whined. He folded his arms and sulked, "Maybe we should go home, my clothes are a mess!"
"Shutup!" Joxer hissed, "You'll scare it away!"
"Scare what away? There's nothing here to scare away!"
Jett bopped the two of them over the head. "Will you two girls shut it? Here it comes!"
They fell silent as their feathered quarry approached the clearing where the traps were set up. It casually pecked at the ground as it meandered along.
"It's getting close to my trap!" Jace squealed.
"Shut up!" Jett and Joxer whispered in unison.
"Pft! Watch this!" Jace retorted as he yanked on a rope. Three pairs of eyes followed the rope's path up a tree to a bucket standing precariously on the knoll of a tree branch.
The chicken cocked its head to the side looking for food just under the bucket. The brothers watched in anticipation as the bucket tipped over, dumping its contents on its unsuspecting target.
Joxer's jaw dropped as confetti and glitter rained down on the fowl in a sparkling shower. It clucked frantically and ran around in confusion "That was your trap?" he exclaimed as he turned to Jace, who was clapping his hands together in glee.
"But of course!" Jace grinned back, "And it worked fabulously dontcha think?"
Joxer was just about to wring his older brother's neck when Jett pointed behind him. "Joxer look!"
Joxer rolled his eyes. "Come on Jett, this isn't the time and I not about to fall for that— "
Jett tossed his hands up in despair. "Pay attention you twit! That bird is getting close to your sorry excuse for a trap!"
Sure enough, when Joxer turned back to the clearing, the confused chicken had wandered underneath his trap: a small box propped up with a stick that was tied to a vine held in his hands.
Joxer almost fainted from excitement when he realized that it was his trap that would save the day, his brilliant idea. That'll show his brothers to make fun of him. Who will have the last laugh when Joxer the Mighty marches back into town with the prize in tow? Joxer that's who! Everyone will be so proud, they'll build a statue in honor —
"JOXER!" his older brothers' yells snapped him back into reality and he jerked back, pulling the vine with him. The stick propping up the box fell free and with a dull thud followed by a surprised squawk, the runaway chicken was captured.
"Ha-ha!" Joxer leaped in the air and landed with his hands on his hips. "Fowl all across Peloponnese will fear the wrath of Joxer the Mighty!"
"I guess," replied Jett. "If men can be afraid of other men, I guess that chickens can be afraid of their fellow chickens too."
"Shut up, Jett! What about YOUR trap? Where is it?"
"Oh, it's coming," he responded coolly, draping his arms across the shoulders of his two squirming brothers, tightening them into a headlock. Jace's feather boa caught under his nose, tickling it and forcing out a high pitched, succinct sneeze.
"You're crushing my velveteen," Jace muffled under the boys arm. "Kindly release me." Jace pinched his brother on the hip, emitting a not-so-masculine squawk from the bully.
It was then that Joxer and Jace turned around and faced the box that was no longer muffling scratching noises and shifting with an extremely angry, caged chicken. A hole had been punched through one wall, and they stared in silent shock as a few small feathers floated peacefully to the ground. The chicken had squawked, not Jett.
"You You The chicken You killed the chicken?!" cried Joxer, his anxiety raising the pitch of his voice.
"I think you'll find that you two did," Jett replied, his malicious grin spreading from ear to ear, displaying a set of perfect teeth.
Jace immediately lifted the box and threw it to the side. Upon seeing the corpse of the chicken, whose chest had just fallen with its final breath, his hands fluttered to his throat and he turned pale. A low moan escaped his lips and he stumbled backwards, shaking his head in disbelief. "No, no" he whimpered softly, as his lily-white hand stroked the feathered breast of the fallen fowl. He gasped and closed his eyes, tears threatening to fall, when his hand came away reddened.
"Jace," cried Joxer, "Get a hold of yourself! Be strong! We can still save the chicken!"
"Does saving the chicken involve sticking a spit up its backside and throwing it on a rotisserie grill?" asked Jett, snickering to himself.
Jace stood from his kneeling position and stared coldly at Jett. "You've made a big mistake, big brother," he said. "We'll save this chicken. Won't we Joxer."
"We'll save this chicken if it's the last thing we do. Or my name's not Joxer the Mighty!"
Jace knelt again beside the chicken and began to listen for a heartbeat. He took a small knife from the bodice of his dress. "I don't hear a heartbeat," he said. "This boy needs open heart surgery."
"Do you know what you're doing?" Joxer asked, raising his eyebrow as his older brother of half an hour's nimble fingers began a slow incision into the chicken's chest cavity.
"Joxer, put your finger here," said Jace, ignoring the question. Joxer obliged as best he could.
"Here?" he asked, sticking his finger down into the cavity.
"No, you fool!" Jace admonished, as Joxer was greeted with a squirt of blood into his eye.
"Ahhh! I can't see! I'm blind!"
"You're an idiot. Well, it'd be a lot easier if this stupid arrow wasn't in the way," Jace said. He gingerly began to tug on the arrow to remove it from the chicken. It was caught on something.
"Oh it can't be that tough!" Joxer reached over and pulled on the embedded arrow. It came free with a wet slurp and the two brothers found themselves staring at the dismembered lung of the unfortunate chicken.
"What have you done!" Jace stared at his little brother, horrified.
"It's ok, it's alright! I can put it back!" Joxer frantically tried to repair the damage but only succeeded in making bigger mess of what used to be the chicken. His shoulders slumped and he looked hopelessly at the carnage in front of him. Just minutes ago he was so close to victory, and now he was a failure. What would his father say to him?
A shadow filled his view and Jett's quiet snickering raised the hairs on the back of his neck. Joxer's blood boiled. It's all his fault. "I don't see what's so funny Jett," his voice quivered, "I didn't see you trying to help." Joxer looked up to shoot his brother a hate filled look only to find himself staring into the angry eyes of his father.
"See dad!" Jett declared, pointing at Joxer and Jace, "They wanted me to help but I wouldn't. I tried to stop them, but look what they did!" Jett buried his face in his hands and sobbed.
"I didn't want to believe it when Jett told me you killed the chicken because you were jealous he caught it by himself, but bloody hands don't lie." As their father continued to lecture him, Joxer could see Jett sneering at him between his faked sobs.
"But Jett" Joxer protested.
"There's no more to be discussed! You and your brother are in a lot of trouble, you owe Thelonius a new chicken, and that's coming out of your allowance! Jett, come with me. I want to show you the new sword I forged. Next time, we'll forge you your own." Jett smirked at his brothers as his father put his arm around his shoulder and led him out to the shed.
"Can you believe it," said Jace. "After everything we tried to do for that chicken." He pulled his sullied handkerchief from between his sunfruit and dabbed his eyes. "And now I won't be able to buy that silk from Chin to make my outfit for next week's sacrifice to Ares."
"And I won't be allowed to go to that warlord's convention with dad tomorrow," responded Joxer grimly. "He's going to take Jett. I just know it."
"We need to get Jett back. There's no way we can prove he murdered that chicken, but I'll gladly take any consequences just to get revenge," stated Jace, inspecting his nails casually, frowning at the chicken blood caked beneath them. It just had to be done, to save his and Joxer's dignity. He pulled out a pocket mirror and checked the bags under his eyes. "I'm so tired"
"No time for sleep now," said Joxer, his eyes squinting in the distance. "Now we have to brainstorm."
It wasn't long before the young minds, bent on revenge, came up with a plan. They had the time, they had the place, they had the victim. Jett was going to get it, and he was going to regret getting them in trouble. Joxer and Jace would make sure of that.
Jett polished his sword and slipped it in the scabbard. He whistled cheerily to himself as he thought about what he was going to say to the warlord Cortese when he finally got a chance to meet him at the convention today. His whistle turned into a snicker when he thought about what Joxer and Jace would have to do for the day. First of all, they'd have to go to the market to buy Thelonius a new chick with their allowance money. Then, they'd have to actually give it to him. And Thelonius had a rather short temper.
On top of that, mother had decided proper punishment would also include having to tie up and bleed the newly slaughtered deer for dried venison. Ha, he thought. I couldn't have picked a better punishment myself!
The triplets' father poked his head in the door. "Are you ready to go, Jett?" he asked, eyeing his son appraisingly as he noted the sword on his hip. "Nice weapon," he said. "Maybe Cortese will sign it!"
"I'll just be a minute," said Jett. "I'll meet you in the chariot."
Jett finished getting himself ready to go, put all his allowance denars in his pocket, and then left the house. As he was walking towards the chariot, he noticed that Joxer and Jace were nowhere to be seen, but the stag was hanging from the arm of a tree, bleeding into a bucket. They've got to be around here somewhere, he thought, thinking he would get in a gloat for good measure before he left for the convention.
He walked up to the deer. He couldn't see them around the other side of the tree. So he went to the opposite tree, and yelped in surprise as the rope tightened around his ankles and he was flipped upside down. His head began to pound as all the blood rushed south.
That was only the beginning.
Jace and Joxer whooped with glee from up in the tree as their surly brother was caught in a compromising position, one which he could do absolutely nothing about.
"Get me d-" he began to bark, when an entire bucket of thick, black, viscous oil poured over him, coating his entire body.
"Nice work little brother," said Jace, slapping Joxer on the back. Joxer's grin spread from ear to ear with pride as he heard his brother cursing and flailing beneath them.
Jace took his bucket from the nook it was leaning in and emptied it too over Jett. Sequins, vibrantly dyed feathers and glitter rained down upon their overly macho sibling. "You look like a piñata," Jace announced.
"I'll get you back!" Jett raged. He tried to shake his fist at his siblings but only succeeded in swinging helplessly beneath the thick arm of the old tree. Joxer took hold of the top of the rope and shook it up and down, sending Jett's allowance jingling to the ground. They climbed quickly down to confront him, and to pick up the money they were owed for the chicken.
"This is just about what you owe us for that chicken," said Jace, dropping the denars into his pocket. "We'll settle it later, Joxer. But for now, you'd better get to that convention."
"You CAN'T go to the convention! You'll never be a warlord; you're just a fake! You can't fight to save your LIFE!" Jett fumed. "Oh, oh daddy, there you are. Look what they did to me daddy, punish them!" Jett turned on the waterworks and began to bawl.
"Stop being such a sissy, Jett," said their father, who had evidently grown weary of waiting in the chariot for his favourite of his three sons. He turned to the other two, "Good work, boys. Joxer, you can come to the convention. I can't take Jett with me like that anyways."
"But daDEEE!" Jett whimpered, still swaying back and forth by the ankles. "Joxer CAN'T go!"
"You're the one covered with glitter, Jett, I suggest you keep quiet," He glanced briefly at Jace before continuing. "This was a pretty good little operation, boys. I'll have to remember it. Come on, Jox." Joxer's father put his arm around his shoulder.
As Joxer passed Jace by, he whispered in his ear, "Keep the change. Pick out the best silk they have."
"Oh, I'll go soon enough," Jace replied, snickering. "But first, I have some nose tweaking to do!"
Email this bard with your comments! Jrpanther and Ramleaf