I cheered from the side lines.
Just like I always did.
Bodies slammed into each other, I tensed.
Ice flew from under sharp skates, I braced.
But he was always fine.
He always walked away just…fine…
Sure, there were days where he got a bit banged up. And sure he's broken a few bones here and there. But he was enjoying himself.
Mattie was playing hockey against his brother's team again. They always did that. He was winning, he always won.
Bodies slammed into each other, I tensed.
Ice flew from under sharp skates, I braced.
He fell. He never fell. He was on the ground.
He wasn't moving.
"Heh, too much for you Mattie?" Alfred laughed, skidding to a stop in front of his brother, my boyfriend.
"Mattie? M-Mattie?! Holy shit someone call an ambulance he's bleeding!" I was down on the ice a minute later. He was laying on the ice, out cold. His skull was cracked open, blood covering the frozen ground. Panic filled the air. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak. I couldn't cry no matter how badly I wanted to.
The paramedic's voices filled the silent room. They took him. They took him from me…
Alfred was complaining to the nurse when I got to the hospital. He said they should've let us on the ambulance with him. They said it was too urgent to wait. He was in critical condition.
We were let into his room later that night, the doctors told us he wouldn't wake up for a while.
His head was wrapped in bandages, his face had bruised completely now.
I should've cried. I couldn't cry.
We waited. We waited three days. Three days before we got a response. The doctors had called comatose after the first day.
He woke quietly, blinking and looking around. He looked confused. That's normal. I thought.
"Who are you? Where am I?! Who…who am I…?"
That was when I cried.
He'd gone his life reminding people who he was, and now he couldn't even remember his own name… I was afraid…
The doctors told us to give him time, that he would remember on his own. They said it was normal for head injury patients to be forgetful.
So we waited.
We waited two months.
Two months of teaching him about himself.
Two months I wrote down his life for him to read.
I waited…
"I'm sorry… I don't remember you… You…you said your name was..Gilbert, right? And…that you were my boyfriend? And…and…You… you're my brother, Alfred. I don't remember…"
"It's alright Mattie… I'll wait, I promise… I love you…"
He'd given me a soft smile, letting his hand grip mine.
"I don't remember who you are…but I feel like I would've loved you back."
That…was three years ago…
April 12, 2003 Matthew Williams died in a hospital bed. He died clueless of who he was, and who he had ever been.
They said he bled out. That the head trauma had caused bleeding that x-rays wouldn't pick up, that it had gone unnoticed.
I was asked to speak at his funeral…I should've cried. I should've been a mess. But I wasn't. I couldn't. I was losing everything. But I couldn't cry. I was empty.
Alfred blamed himself for it… He committed suicide a year ago. He left a note for Arthur and Francis, telling them he was sorry and that he needed to see Mattie again. He was hung from his ceiling, a picture of them in his hand.
The world was literally falling apart…
I find myself sitting here more often than I should.
Back in this same spot I was the day of the accident. I sit here and think. For hours on end. Just…thinking. It still hurts. I haven't smiled since you left, but I can't cry anymore.
You always told me you'd be here no matter what happened. Well, what about now? Where are you when I need you most? I know it's not your fault but I miss you…
You may never remember me… But I remember you.
And I can't keep doing this on my own.
There's no point.
One…two… I'll step towards you…
Three…four… I've been here before…
Five…six… Just walk over the bricks…
Seven…eight… Just keep going straight…
Nine…ten… This is my end…
The water rushes below me,
I should cry.
I can't cry.
I jump.