Shattered Dreams
By: BrokenHeartsShatteredDreams
He was screaming again. Fourth night in a row. They were rooms apart but Sam could hear his brothers screams like they were lying right next to each other. Sighing, Sam rolled over and tried to pretend he couldn't hear Dean's screams. He couldn't deal with that right now. Dean was the last person he wanted to think about right then. Still, his brother's screams only got louder and he cringed, the urge to run to his side nearly overtaking him. Rolling onto his back again, Sam stared at the ceiling and thought about everything going on. His fight with Dean had been over something stupid...as usual. Dean had only tried to protect him, to save him and Sam...Sam had blown up over it. Yeah, Dean had lied to him about it but Sam knew he would have done the same thing if their roles had been reversed. No matter what he'd said to him, Sam would never have let Dean die. They were two halves of a whole. Dean couldn't have gone on without Sam...just like Sam couldn't have gone on without Dean. But...he'd been so mad at him right at first...and that anger had screwed things up. Royally. Now his brother...the only person he'd ever allowed himself to truly fall in love with...was sleeping in a completely different room and Sam had to listen to him scream. It was agony. But an agony he deserved. This was how he would punish himself. Listening to Dean scream, letting his heart shatter in his chest, not being able to do a damn thing to help him. That was the best form of torture he could find.
"Sam." The voice was soft but deep.
He looked up, seeing Cas standing at the foot of the bed.
"Cas. Thought you'd be with Dean."
"He won't wake up for me anymore. The first time he did but not now. It's not my comfort he wants."
"I can't help him." Sam whispered, his voice soft.
"Why not? Why won't you allow yourself to go to him? He loves you, you know. Even now when you're breaking his heart. He still loves you."
Sam's voice was breaking when he spoke, spilling everything he was keeping trapped inside of him.
"And I love him. But I hurt him enough already. I...I can't hurt him again. I lay here night after night and I...I listen to him scream because it's what I deserve. I deserve to listen to him scream because I caused that!"
Cas crossed the distance between them and sat down on the edge of the bed.
"That's stupid. You and Dean...you're two halves of the same whole." He paused, another of Dean's screams tearing through the air between them.
"Go to him. Now. It hurts me just as much as it does you. I love him too, you know. He chose you. Do you know it feels to now that you have the power to stop those screams and you won't? I listen to him every night and I can't help him. You can. So do it."
He was gone just as quickly as he'd come, leaving Sam to think about what he'd just heard. Cas. Cas was in love with Dean. It was likely that he hadn't told Dean and wouldn't. They both knew it wouldn't change anything. Dean loved Cas...but it was more like the love of a brother. The love he and Sam should have shared but never had. Before he really knew what he was doing, Sam was on his feet. The screams were louder now, mixed with sobs so loud that he could almost feel his heart shattering within his chest.
"SAMMY!"
The sound of his name being yelled like that sent a wave of agony washing over him. The force of it nearly sent him hurtling to his knees. He took a deep breath, shoving the door open. Light from the hallway spilled into Dean's room, illuminating him. Dean lay on his side, curled into the fetal position. His hands were balled into fists at his chest and there were tears lining his face. He gave another scream, his back arching. Sam lurched forward, tears threatening to escape his own eyes.
"Dean! Dean wake up!"
His brother's eyes popped open. Gasping, Dean pressed himself against the headboard and sobbed weakly. This wasn't real. Sam wasn't there. He sobbed harder, wishing the vision of Sam to go away...it would only turn into a nightmare and he couldn't handle another one of those.
"Go away. You're not real..."
Sam grabbed him then, forcing their gazes to meet. "Dean. I'm here. I'm right here."
"Why? Why now? I...I thought you didn't want this anymore. Isn't that what you meant?"
"No. I...I didn't mean any of it. I was just so mad at first and then...by the time I realized my mistake it was too late. Tonight...it just got to be too much. I couldn't listen to you anymore...even if it was what I deserve."
"What do you mean by it was what you deserve?"
"I hurt you...I deserved to have you hurt me. You'd never do that willingly so...I listened to you. I forced myself to listen to your nightmares. Every time you'd scream my name...it was a way of torturing myself." Sam's voice broke off.
"You're an idiot. You don't deserve any of that. How many times have we fought and I said something to hurt you? How many times did I break your heart?"
"I'm sorry. Dean...I'm so sorry."
Dean's voice was small when he spoke. "Just don't leave me again. Please. I couldn't handle that."
"I won't. I promise I won't."
Sam pulled Dean against his chest, holding him tighter than he had in months. As they held onto each other, Dean lay back down, pulling Sam with him. As they fell into a peaceful slumber - the first in weeks - neither of them noticed Cas watching them, a bittersweet smile etched on his face.