centerStar Trek: The Episodes That You Never Got To See!/center
Hello! I am Arana Mai, the author of the Star Trek Fanfictions you are about to read. I just want to issue a fair warning to everyone: THESE ARE ONLY SPOOFS. DON'T TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY! For I am the queen of madness, and Jim, Bones and Spock are my pawns! BWAHAHAHAH!
Anywhoo, enjoy my mad but entertaining spoofs on one of the greatest sci-fi television shows in the WORLD!
Whee hoo!
Arana
Discliamer: I don't own Star Trek, Majel Barret Roddenberry does! DOI!
center"The Redshirts Strike Back!"/center
Captain James Tiberius Kirk sat in the center chair and drew in a sigh. McCoy stood at his left.
"Whassa matter, Jim?" McCoy asked.
"I'm bored," Kirk mumbled.
"Scanners indicate our ratings are dropping, Captain," Spock said, turning from his station.
"Visual!" Kirk snapped. Sulu snapped on the ratings scanner. Sure enough, their ratings were down 20%. "Damn those third season episodes!" Kirk turned to McCoy. "What do you think, Bones? New love interest for me? A new enemy for us to blow up? Kill a Redshirt?"
"Gee Jim, we always get popular whenever Spock shows his weaknesses," McCoy replied. Spock cleared his throat and shook his head rapidly.
"How about a combo episode?" Kirk suggested. "I get the girl AND we get to kill a redshirt."
"Sounds good," McCoy said. "Now all we need is a planet to beam down onto."
"I agree," Spock said. "Captian, a small planetoid ahead. It's called Seti-Alpha Women."
"I like the sound of that name," Kirk said.
"I suppose you would, Captain," Spock said. "It's a planet inhabited entirely by women."
"Oooh!" Kirk squealed. "Quick! To the transporter room! Security!"
"ISecurity, O'Brien here./I"
"Send down two security officers to the transporter room. Send my condolences to their widows." "IYes, Captain./I
* * *
Kirk, Spock McCoy, and Nameless Redshirt # 1 and #2 materialized on a grassy plain on the planet. There were mountains on every side of them, and a few trees speckled the plain. The grass was a deep green; almost too green.
"Well, Spock, McCoy," Kirk said, crossing his arms over his chest. "It looks like that time of the week again for bad acting, bad makeup, cheesy special effects, a new love interest for me, and maybe we'll even get to see a couple of redshirts die."
Both the nameless redshirts fidgeted nervously as the regulars stared them down with a hunger in their eyes.
"Captain, I believe you will be interested in what's coming this way," Spock said. Kirk whipped around and saw a tall, elegant woman walking toward them.
She was young, only about 21. She had long, wavy black hair and equally dark eyes.
Kirk wiped the drool off his face and led the group towards her.
"Hello miss," Kirk said.
"Greetings and salutations," she said. "I am Minerva."
"I'm Kirk, this is McCoy and Spock."
"And those two?"
"Oh, the redshirts?" Kirk glanced back at the two and shrugged. "Who cares?" Minerva pressed her lips into a thin line.
"Indeed."
Kirk walked up to her and put his arms around her waist. She raised a puzzled eyebrow.
"What do you say we forget the intellectual chit-chat and the cute, romantic soft-focus close-ups and skip to the big make out scene?"
Minerva raised both eyebrows. Kirk leaned in to kiss her and she bashed her head against his. Kirk fell back and McCoy held back a snicker.
"What the hell did you do that for?!" Kirk shouted.
"Pervert," Minerva sniffed. Spock raised an approving eyebrow. "If you'll come with me, gentlemen."
The group followed Minerva across the plains to one of the mountain ranges that surrounded them. Kirk was pouting, and as they walked on the edge of a cliff, he shoved Nameless Redshirt #2 over the side of it.
"That's IT!" Nameless Redshirt #1 screamed. "I'm SICK and TIRED of useless deaths!"
"Jim, that man is no longer breathing!" McCoy said, pretending to be appalled. Kirk shot him a look. "I've been thinking up new ways to say, 'He's dead, Jim.'"
"I'm not dead yet!" A voice called.
"Yes you ARE!" NR1 shouted back.
"I feel HAPPY!"
"SHUT UP!" NR1 fired his phaser at NR2 and vaporized him. NR1 then pointed his phaser at Spock, McCoy, Kirk and Minerva. "We've got some terms that you WILL follow." NR1 flipped out his communicator. "Redshirt Lear to IEnterprise./I" "Enterprise, IRedshirt O'Brien here!/I" "Five to beam up." "IAye./I"
Redshirt Lear, Kirk, Spock, Minerva and McCoy materialized in the transporter room. Three more redshirts with phasers met them there and took them to a briefing room.
"All right, fine!" Kirk exclaimed, defeated. "Only one death every seven episodes and higher pay for all those in the union." Kirk glared at Lear. "Happy?"
The desk comm wailed. Kirk flipped it on.
"Yes, what is it?"
"ISir, we've got a 'WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!'-class starship on our scanners. It's sending out waves of aggravation."
All the Redshirts in the room suddenly leaped out of their seats and started to beat the crap out of each other. One of the redshirts came up to Spock and showed off a bunch of karate moves.
"I learned that from a China man!" the redshirt exclaimed. Spock gave him the Vulcan nerve pinch.
"I learned that from my cousin," Spock said flatly.
Kirk was engaged in a battle with another redshirt. The first time he'd been hit, his shirt immediately ripped for no reason. It was now torn and tattered.
"We've got to get to the bridge!" Kirk gasped, knocking out the redshirt. Spock and McCoy nodded, and then left.
They got to the bridge quickly. Kirk sat in his chair and Spock went to his station. McCoy stood by the turbo-lift doors and watched.
"Sir, the ship left after sending out the waves," Sulu reported.
"Thank you, Mr. Sulu," Kirk said. "Spock! Report."
"Apparently, the aggravation waves are only affecting the redshirts."
"Thank you for stating the obvious. McCoy! Suggestions?"
"Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a script writer!"
".Right," Kirk muttered. "What do we do?"
"We could hypnotize them and order them to stop being aggressive," Spock said.
"Too boring," Kirk said, waving the idea away.
"Why don't I go in the lab and concoct some form of a tranquilizer that will calm them down and rid them of the aggression?" McCoy suggested.
"It makes too much sense."
"Why don't we just kill them off?" Scotty said.
"Excellent idea, Mr. Scott! How do we do it?"
"Well, I could rig up poison gas to leak in the vents on all decks,"
"How long will that take?"
"It's already been done!"
"DO IT!"
Scotty pressed the button. Gas leaked out of the vents and the redshirts dropped like flies.
Gas suddenly leaked out of the bridge vent.
"Scotty, you MORON!" Kirk exclaimed just before he and the rest of the bridge crew fell to the floor.
* * *
Kirk awoke to the face of Minerva. She was leaning over him, concerned.
"Are you all right?" She asked.
"Hey baby."
"I'll take that as a 'yes.'"
Kirk arose.
"Spock, what happened? Aren't we supposed to be DEAD?" Kirk asked.
"Apparently Captain, death is only temporary for the regulars," Spock replied.
"I see."
"Captain," Uhura said. "I'm getting a message from Starfleet. Our ratings are up 50%."
"Not bad," Kirk said. "Now what do you say we go down and have some REAL fun?"
All the remaining crewmembers (except for Spock and the female crewmembers) beamed down onto Seti-Alpha Women and had a wonderful time being massaged by six women at a time (each) and being able to brag about their adventures.
That is, all but Kirk, who ended up being slapped around until he learned that it's not good having more girlfriends than there are planets.
THE END (Of this story)
Up next: The Trouble With Man-Eating Tribbles!
Hello! I am Arana Mai, the author of the Star Trek Fanfictions you are about to read. I just want to issue a fair warning to everyone: THESE ARE ONLY SPOOFS. DON'T TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY! For I am the queen of madness, and Jim, Bones and Spock are my pawns! BWAHAHAHAH!
Anywhoo, enjoy my mad but entertaining spoofs on one of the greatest sci-fi television shows in the WORLD!
Whee hoo!
Arana
Discliamer: I don't own Star Trek, Majel Barret Roddenberry does! DOI!
center"The Redshirts Strike Back!"/center
Captain James Tiberius Kirk sat in the center chair and drew in a sigh. McCoy stood at his left.
"Whassa matter, Jim?" McCoy asked.
"I'm bored," Kirk mumbled.
"Scanners indicate our ratings are dropping, Captain," Spock said, turning from his station.
"Visual!" Kirk snapped. Sulu snapped on the ratings scanner. Sure enough, their ratings were down 20%. "Damn those third season episodes!" Kirk turned to McCoy. "What do you think, Bones? New love interest for me? A new enemy for us to blow up? Kill a Redshirt?"
"Gee Jim, we always get popular whenever Spock shows his weaknesses," McCoy replied. Spock cleared his throat and shook his head rapidly.
"How about a combo episode?" Kirk suggested. "I get the girl AND we get to kill a redshirt."
"Sounds good," McCoy said. "Now all we need is a planet to beam down onto."
"I agree," Spock said. "Captian, a small planetoid ahead. It's called Seti-Alpha Women."
"I like the sound of that name," Kirk said.
"I suppose you would, Captain," Spock said. "It's a planet inhabited entirely by women."
"Oooh!" Kirk squealed. "Quick! To the transporter room! Security!"
"ISecurity, O'Brien here./I"
"Send down two security officers to the transporter room. Send my condolences to their widows." "IYes, Captain./I
* * *
Kirk, Spock McCoy, and Nameless Redshirt # 1 and #2 materialized on a grassy plain on the planet. There were mountains on every side of them, and a few trees speckled the plain. The grass was a deep green; almost too green.
"Well, Spock, McCoy," Kirk said, crossing his arms over his chest. "It looks like that time of the week again for bad acting, bad makeup, cheesy special effects, a new love interest for me, and maybe we'll even get to see a couple of redshirts die."
Both the nameless redshirts fidgeted nervously as the regulars stared them down with a hunger in their eyes.
"Captain, I believe you will be interested in what's coming this way," Spock said. Kirk whipped around and saw a tall, elegant woman walking toward them.
She was young, only about 21. She had long, wavy black hair and equally dark eyes.
Kirk wiped the drool off his face and led the group towards her.
"Hello miss," Kirk said.
"Greetings and salutations," she said. "I am Minerva."
"I'm Kirk, this is McCoy and Spock."
"And those two?"
"Oh, the redshirts?" Kirk glanced back at the two and shrugged. "Who cares?" Minerva pressed her lips into a thin line.
"Indeed."
Kirk walked up to her and put his arms around her waist. She raised a puzzled eyebrow.
"What do you say we forget the intellectual chit-chat and the cute, romantic soft-focus close-ups and skip to the big make out scene?"
Minerva raised both eyebrows. Kirk leaned in to kiss her and she bashed her head against his. Kirk fell back and McCoy held back a snicker.
"What the hell did you do that for?!" Kirk shouted.
"Pervert," Minerva sniffed. Spock raised an approving eyebrow. "If you'll come with me, gentlemen."
The group followed Minerva across the plains to one of the mountain ranges that surrounded them. Kirk was pouting, and as they walked on the edge of a cliff, he shoved Nameless Redshirt #2 over the side of it.
"That's IT!" Nameless Redshirt #1 screamed. "I'm SICK and TIRED of useless deaths!"
"Jim, that man is no longer breathing!" McCoy said, pretending to be appalled. Kirk shot him a look. "I've been thinking up new ways to say, 'He's dead, Jim.'"
"I'm not dead yet!" A voice called.
"Yes you ARE!" NR1 shouted back.
"I feel HAPPY!"
"SHUT UP!" NR1 fired his phaser at NR2 and vaporized him. NR1 then pointed his phaser at Spock, McCoy, Kirk and Minerva. "We've got some terms that you WILL follow." NR1 flipped out his communicator. "Redshirt Lear to IEnterprise./I" "Enterprise, IRedshirt O'Brien here!/I" "Five to beam up." "IAye./I"
Redshirt Lear, Kirk, Spock, Minerva and McCoy materialized in the transporter room. Three more redshirts with phasers met them there and took them to a briefing room.
"All right, fine!" Kirk exclaimed, defeated. "Only one death every seven episodes and higher pay for all those in the union." Kirk glared at Lear. "Happy?"
The desk comm wailed. Kirk flipped it on.
"Yes, what is it?"
"ISir, we've got a 'WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!'-class starship on our scanners. It's sending out waves of aggravation."
All the Redshirts in the room suddenly leaped out of their seats and started to beat the crap out of each other. One of the redshirts came up to Spock and showed off a bunch of karate moves.
"I learned that from a China man!" the redshirt exclaimed. Spock gave him the Vulcan nerve pinch.
"I learned that from my cousin," Spock said flatly.
Kirk was engaged in a battle with another redshirt. The first time he'd been hit, his shirt immediately ripped for no reason. It was now torn and tattered.
"We've got to get to the bridge!" Kirk gasped, knocking out the redshirt. Spock and McCoy nodded, and then left.
They got to the bridge quickly. Kirk sat in his chair and Spock went to his station. McCoy stood by the turbo-lift doors and watched.
"Sir, the ship left after sending out the waves," Sulu reported.
"Thank you, Mr. Sulu," Kirk said. "Spock! Report."
"Apparently, the aggravation waves are only affecting the redshirts."
"Thank you for stating the obvious. McCoy! Suggestions?"
"Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a script writer!"
".Right," Kirk muttered. "What do we do?"
"We could hypnotize them and order them to stop being aggressive," Spock said.
"Too boring," Kirk said, waving the idea away.
"Why don't I go in the lab and concoct some form of a tranquilizer that will calm them down and rid them of the aggression?" McCoy suggested.
"It makes too much sense."
"Why don't we just kill them off?" Scotty said.
"Excellent idea, Mr. Scott! How do we do it?"
"Well, I could rig up poison gas to leak in the vents on all decks,"
"How long will that take?"
"It's already been done!"
"DO IT!"
Scotty pressed the button. Gas leaked out of the vents and the redshirts dropped like flies.
Gas suddenly leaked out of the bridge vent.
"Scotty, you MORON!" Kirk exclaimed just before he and the rest of the bridge crew fell to the floor.
* * *
Kirk awoke to the face of Minerva. She was leaning over him, concerned.
"Are you all right?" She asked.
"Hey baby."
"I'll take that as a 'yes.'"
Kirk arose.
"Spock, what happened? Aren't we supposed to be DEAD?" Kirk asked.
"Apparently Captain, death is only temporary for the regulars," Spock replied.
"I see."
"Captain," Uhura said. "I'm getting a message from Starfleet. Our ratings are up 50%."
"Not bad," Kirk said. "Now what do you say we go down and have some REAL fun?"
All the remaining crewmembers (except for Spock and the female crewmembers) beamed down onto Seti-Alpha Women and had a wonderful time being massaged by six women at a time (each) and being able to brag about their adventures.
That is, all but Kirk, who ended up being slapped around until he learned that it's not good having more girlfriends than there are planets.
THE END (Of this story)
Up next: The Trouble With Man-Eating Tribbles!