"I want your drama,
The touch of your hand,
I want your leather studded
Kiss in the sand,
I want your love, love, love, love
I want your love.
(Love, love, love, I want your love)
You know that I want you,
& you know that I need you.
I want your bad, bad romance.
I want your love,
& I want your revenge,
You & me could write a bad romance.
I want your love,
& all your lovers' revenge.
You & me could write a bad romance.
Caught in a bad romance.
Caught in a bad romance.
Bad Romance~
Lady GaGa
March 13th, Monday:
I closed my scrapbook/diary with a slam as the lit up Statue of Liberty came into my view. When we were younger, we had loved to pretend that we were in some sort of romance novel. After all, with a glamorous life like ours, how could it not be absolutely romantic?
He had envisioned himself as the writer of our little tale, he controlled the words that would be penned in our history. Where they were once written in a lovely shade of scarlet, a happy loving color, he now penned the words in a sour coagulated black-red color.
We weren't some kind of fairy tale romance. Quite the opposite actually, we were the very sickest kind of romance, a bad romance. Full of cheating, lies, deception on both our parts, our story would make an instant New York bestseller for sure.
Maybe that's why I decided to write my own account of our history, Lord only knows how he would stain my good name. He would paint me as a harlot, a tempting witch who again and again managed to subdue his undying proclamations of love for his sparkling girlfriend.
I had one thought racing through my mind as my private jet descended upon the bright lights of New York. Home. I could feel fate pulsing through my veins and the cold sense that preceded….revenge. Not that anyone else around me knew I was feeling vengeful at all. Not that anyone knew why I was vengeful. Allow me to clear things up slightly.
I grew up in the fabulously chic Upper East Side. My friends and I spent all our lives in private schools, dating the crème de la crème of high society, doing drugs and partying. So much partying. Home. I spent my entire life being in love with the closest thing I had to a best guy friend. Maybe it wasn't love, us Upper East Siders are remarkably impervious to soppy amorous feelings or any other feeling really rather than greed and arrogance.
Whatever it was, whether it be fate or circumstance, something catapulted me towards him. He was the one constant in my life since our mothers had met for tea at the Plaza when we were two years old. Inseparable. I think I really did love the boy but now…my emotions were like an empty battlefield with all the victims of this war slain down before me. I felt empty, I felt inhuman, incapable of any logical thought, incapable of any happy emotion.
I hadn't always been this way, you know? I had more than just fame & riches & paparazzi in my life. I had a lover once. The very best I have ever had. And you know what? Karma, the sick and cold bitch that she is, thrust me into superstardom and my man, my darling dear man, left me before I had "the chance to break his heart", as he so kindly put it.
That was over a year and a half ago today & there wasn't a single day I didn't think about him. The bright lights and glamour of the tour was exhilarating, addicting even, but it had nothing on being in bed (or occasionally, on wall) with Edward.
My six inch black Christian Louboutin heels clicked impatiently down the cold streets of New York. I had gotten the ivory little invitation in the mail & my loving assistants back home had sent it to my Blackberry just three days before & I had dropped everything on my schedule in Japan to fly back home.
In fact, I cancelled the rest of my tour for this. I had no clue how long it would take for my plans to come to fruition but I would be here when the proverbial shit hit the fan. I only could hope that he watched E! News and knew what was coming for him now. I wasn't quite sure what I was really doing home since I obviously had no intention of going to his wedding, especially since he was marrying Tayna.
Ah yes, Tayna, my old prep school rival. Her family had higher clout in the Upper East Side than my parents did and she never hesitated to throw it in my face. She also was Edward's little sweetheart then too. Of course, I stole him away from her, not that she knew that. Not that anyone knew that, Edward preferred to keep our relationship or lack thereof under the social radar.
Lord knows the hell he'd get for it. I was the girl he cheated on other girls with, his side girl, & I had had no problem with it. In fact, I relished in it. The secrecy & suspense of it all kept me going, kept me committed to him even when he was certainly not committed to me.
I wasn't one of those girls who expected him to leave the other girls and stay with me--the contrary actually. I felt such pride that those girls were running in and out of his life like they were going through a revolving door but I wasn't. I was the only eternal thing in his life, I would always be there, & when the time came for Edward to mature and maybe marry me, it would happen. I was in no rush to marry him or make him into something he wasn't.
I loved the man too much to steal his passion and I loved myself enough to know that if I perused him now & got him, that I would give up my career and in turn, refute all of my hard work and dedication, make myself just another failure in the business, another mistake in my record book. I wanted my freedom and I wanted us both to be ready when it came time for us to be together forever. Pssh, damn plans never got me anywhere.
Vengeance kept my heart beating & my heels clicking ominously down 7th Avenue. Edward Cullen would pay for breaking my heart. To anyone walking behind me, my sudden veer off into the little black painted door would have seemed odd, but as my fishnet clad fingers grasped the cold steel door handle, I felt at home.
PokerFace, the frequent hang-out of any self-respecting Upper East Sider. Though it doubled as a high-end strip joint, I spent most of my teen years here, experimenting with alcohol and drugs, flirting with older men. Home. It also, coincidently, was to be the venue for Edward Cullen's bachelor party this Saturday.
Coincidence, of course. And it was purely coincidence that I was here tonight. I was only here to see Edward's baby brother, Demetri Cullen. Now, Di wasn't as great as his older brother, but he did own this fine establishment and that was as all I needed at the moment to fulfill my plans.
I marched with purpose straight back to the boss's office by the emergency exits, ignoring the stares of the stunned employees of the high class dance club. But even I couldn't resist listening to the whispers of me falling from their lips.
"Bella? I thought she was on tour?"
"What the hell is she doing in a place like this?"
"I'm so texting this to Page Six, the Ice Bitch is back!"
"Tayna is so gonna flip when she finds out Isabella Swan is back!"
"Damn, this wasn't part of Eddie's plan. Oh he'll have hell to pay now."
"I better call Jake, he so owes me. He never thought Bella would come back for Cullen's wedding."
The secretary at the desk near my exit point looked at me as she were going to stop me. Pssh, oh she didn't dare. I lowered my black Prada sunglasses and gave her my least impressive bitch stare.
"Gianna Volturi, I suggest you back the fuck up before I make you", I snarled at her.
Her eyes popped out of her head. "Is--Isabella Swan, is that you?"
I barked out a little laugh. "Gianna, wow, working for Demetri? Life long dream accomplished there I suppose", I remarked as I examined my freshly polished nails.
She glared at me. "Yes, and your career is doing so well too. You must be so proud, especially that Edward is finally getting married."
Oh hell no, she didn't go there. "GiGi darling, I couldn't be happier for him. His bride is just as lovely as you."
She caught my sarcasm and gave me a pathetic shit-eating grin back. "Bells, did you hear they're honeymooning in Forks? Romantic, isn't it?"
What. The. Fuck. He was taking her on my honeymoon trip. Edward was the only one to ever know that I wanted to go to Forks, a small relatively unknown town where my favorite book series occurred. Nothing could be more romantic to me.
I had to form my rebuttal and quickly, I could not leave here in shame again. "Well, Gi baby, it's been fun reminiscing with you about those magical prep school days but I need to go reintroduce myself to Di, that boy always had such a crush on me."
She immediately cowered back to her desk. That's right bitch.
I didn't even knock when I reached the bronze handled door, Demetri had to have known this was coming. I stormed into the office, unannounced, as Demetri dropped the antique phone he was holding.
His olive eyes bugged out at either the sight of me or my apparel, well…that's neither here nor there, either way he was stunned speechless. One throat clear and a couple of paper shuffles later, Demetri was composed enough to gesture at one of the leather wing-backed chairs for me to sit in.
I gracefully dropped myself into the chair and draped my fishnet covered legs over one of the arms. Reaching into my clutch, I pulled out a cigarette and my lighter. I made a scene of lighting the cigarette and exaggeratedly puffing on it. Demetri was sweating with fear. The poor boy had never had much of a poker face.
"Demetri darling, I assume you're well aware my reasoning for my little business trip here today", I said, peering at him through my shades & using my sweetest tone. He knew I was beyond serious. Everyone in New York knew that tone & knew that I could ruin them if they didn't do as I wished. I usually am not such a vindictive girl but I would walk through hell to get this one little goal accomplished.
He ran his fingers through his well coiffed black hair. I leaned forward and put my cigarette out in the ashtray only three inches away from his lap.
"Bella, I don't know what you're talking about…I don't, honestly." His innocent looking face would have convinced anyone else but me. He was lying through his perfectly white teeth.
I swiftly pulled a pressed piece of expensive ivory cardstock out of my clutch. "Di, I think you really do. Does this ring a bell?" He swiped the paper from my hands quickly. His olive eyes darted across the page as he read rapidly and placed the paper back into my casually waiting hand.
He looked at me pitifully. "Bella, I would do anything for you but this, I can not. I refuse to destroy my brother's wedding day."
I chuckled darkly. "Oh Di, I'm not asking you to destroy his wedding, I'm asking you a simple question darling. Answer me."
His expression darkened and he moved his chair away from his desk. "Bella, when is this silly vengeance going to end? He moved on. So should you." I spat at him, my impressive aim landing the saliva on the ashtray.
"It's not vengeance, Di. What can I do to convince you? I'm only asking to dance here this Saturday evening at ten. You know even just my appearance here will cause headlines for your business, imagine what a performance from little old me could do for you.
Your father would be proud that he left PokerFace under your charge and you'd get to show up little old Eddie for the first time in your life. It's a small request from an old friend, Di. Aren't we still friends after all this time?", I inquired, using my best sad baby voice.
Demetri stood up and sat down in the chair next to mine and clasped my free hand. "Bella, I'll let you do this, only because I never could resist you, you know that, silly girl and of course, when it comes to free advertising and paper space for my lovely business, I am incredibly weak, but you already knew that, you little minx. But I won't be held accountable for your schemes to ruin Edward's life."
A small, evil grin grew across my face. "Di, you won't be. Everything I do is accompanied by a certain sense of mystery, as you well know, I intend to maintain that. But by Saturday night, well---." I paused, and pulled out my silver lighter again. I looked at my features reflected upon the shiny surface, EC engraved into the metal. I flicked open the lighter and touched the invitation to it.
The cardstock lit quicker than expected and I let it burn until the flames barely licked my fingers. Then I gracefully flicked it into the ashtray.
"Him & I, this little sick romance story he's got playing out in his head, goes up in flames baby." Demetri's eyes widened at my theatrical display but like a true businessman, he composed himself quickly.
"Hmm, maybe I should rethink our little deal after all, Izzy. Maybe you've lost your touch as well as your sanity." I barked out a harsh laugh and stood up.
"Di, I might agree with you that I've lost my sanity but I have not lost my touch", I sniffed coldly as I unbuttoned my black Marc Jacobs trench coat. I peeled the lapels of the jacket to reveal my black lace, see through bra and thong set. Demetri's jaw dropped into his lap and I smiled internally. Of course, I still have the touch, that's why all of my concerts are sold out.
"Well, Di?" He shamelessly adjusted himself right in front of me. He smiled dumbly up at me while giving my tour-toned stomach one last look-over.
"Charming as ever, Isabella. I still probably shouldn't be making such deals with the devil herself", he remarked as I buttoned myself back up again.
"Di, don't play the innocent card with me, you know you are just as bad as me, if not worse when it comes to such things. If I recall, you were always a terrible poker player and it seems like the times haven't changed you at all."
"Well not all of us can be aces at strip poker, Bella darling." I made a disapproving tsk at him.
"Darling, don't change the subject. Don't pretend that you don't want this to happen as much as I do."
"Damn it, Bella, not everyone is a vindictive little whore like you!", he spat out at me.
My eyes narrowed from behind my lenses. I stalked over to his seat and leaned right into his face and spoke my next words very deliberately.
"I'm not the one pretending like you, Di. At least everyone knows about how I feel about him. But what about you? She doesn't have a clue because you, unlike the rest of us, are a cowardly piece of shit who will let me take the blame for all of this after the shit flies on Saturday.
You want this just as bad as me. You want her & I want him. Why can't two old friends help each other on a common goal? Why should we have to pretend that we're fine with this? I have never been afraid to show my true feelings, Di. Why don't you do the same as me for once? Step up or shut up."
He put his head into his hands and stroked his fingers through his raven hair. I waited there for his express permission, I waited there for him to seal my fate for me but unlike he, I was as cool as a cucumber. He had been in love with Tayna Freaking Denali since we were all teenagers. I always suspected that Edward knew. I mean, he had to have known the way he always smirked maliciously when he had his arm around Tayna's shoulder in front of Demetri and I.
Finally he spoke to me in a small voice with his head still in one hand and my hand in the other.
"Bella, do whatever you must. I just want her to be mine."
I rose my eyebrows. Success once more, no one ever resisted me. "Oh Di, I knew you would come around!" I kissed him on his cheek and left the office as mysteriously as I had entered, leaving a wake of confusion in my path. I stomped out back to the hard concrete of the streets and hailed myself a cab.
"5th and East 90th", I said to the cabbie as I climbed into the cab. I noticed his wide eyes from the backseat. I guess some people just don't know how to treat celebrities these days. Sigh.
I thought about my quick rise to fame during my ride, watching the lights flash by. Two years ago, no one had heard about little Isabella Swan--or as I went by these days, BellaMarie---but I had tried so hard to break into the music business on my own.
Eventually, I caved and asked my parents for some help. I expected it to end worse because to become a musician or something of the like was practically a sin in my society and usually led to shunning. I used to envision New York socialite life without me there in the future, dream about it even.
The same nightmare occurred every time. A statuesque faceless blonde smoking a cigarette and the voice of my dear friend Rosalie Hale and a petite faceless brunette who resembled my other best friend, Alice Brandon leaning against the marble staircase in my parent's spacious Park Avenue penthouse.
"Did you hear about Bella?", the blonde scoffed.
The brunette nodded, sipping her Dom Perignon, "Such a shame, living in poverty the poor thing. I almost wish she were still here." They both stared up at the family portrait that hung along the cherry coated walls.
My face was blacked out. The rest of the mindless chatter in the room was focused on how happy my parents were without their catastrophe of a daughter to keep roped in.
Edward's face stood out most brilliantly of all as he swirled around the impromptu dancefloor of my spacious living room with her….I couldn't bear to think Tayna's name, not even in my dreams.
My parents however handled it well, with their usual poise and grace. I mean of course, they were disappointed but a month later I was signed to Interscope Records and ready to embark on my world tour. I was supposed to the next big hit and they wanted my name spread like wildfire through the universe if they could.
I still remember the night that Edward "broke up" with me. I had told him about my record signing right after the last time we were together.
"Bella that's…..", he said awkwardly after a two minute pause.
"It's wonderful, that's what it is silly." I leaned up to kiss his lips chastely and entwined my fingers into his mane of hair. He gently pulled my hands from his head.
"It's eye-opening, Isabella. Let's leave it at that." He rolled out of bed and started pulling his clothes back on.
I scrunched my eyebrows up. "Eye-opening, Edward? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I ruffled my fingers through my already hopeless sex hair.
He was now fully clothed and standing in the doorway. "It means….I can't deal with this right now…That's what it means." He started stomping away from me. I quickly ran after him with the sheets still on me.
"Edward", I cried out as I grabbed a hold of his arm to stop him, tears building in my eyes, "I love you, please don't leave, this…this changes nothing. It really does, I swear." He swept his soft hand down the side of my face and caught the tears threatening to fall out.
"I know, Bella. That's the problem. I must be so cruel only to be kind." The next thing I registered was the slam of the front door as I slumped to the floor. Well, what the hell was that? I didn't hear from him until three days later and even that was by text.
Macchiatos the Met. Meet me there in 15.
I debated even going to see him. What had I become? Some weak little girl that threw herself at her man with his every little whim? Didn't I always think of myself as a strong, independent woman?
I left regardless of my notions about myself because quite honestly, love consumes you, makes you whole, makes you empty and now I was just yet another buoy floating hopelessly in the restless and unpredictable seas of Edward's passion.
I quickly threw myself into some proper clothes and raced downtown a little. As my cab stopped in front of the Metropolitan Museum Of Art, I searched the crowd for him. My eyes darted across the steps, back and forth until I caught sight of him. His lanky frame stooped over a little to sit down, his auburn hair blowing in the New York breeze, the sapphire cashmere sweater I had bought for him the Christmas prior. Stunning.
I marched up to him with purpose, hoping my white cashmere sweaterdress and white leather boots were appropriate for this midday liaison. He gruffly held my macchiato out to me and I gratefully perched down next to him on the cold steps. He moved a foot away from me. We sat there in silence for a few minutes, sipping our coffees.
"Isabella, I can't see you anymore." The six words that destroyed my life. A little bit of my coffee dribbled out of my mouth. I swiftly took a napkin to my face. If I were more modest, I probably would have blushed at such an inappropriate action in public. Haha, modest my ass.
"What? What do you mean?"
He sighed, looking straight ahead as he spoke.
"I don't want you anymore. You're going to be overseas for two years, how can I trust you not to cheat…" I abruptly interrupted him.
"Hypocritical much? You have legions of women which I didn't object to but now that I'll be getting lots of male and female attention, you decide to raise your hackles? I'm my own woman, Edward! I always will be! Yes, I want you in my life but I don't need your control over me."
He turned and smiled sadly at me. "I know Bella, you've always had such big dreams. We're all so proud of you. But it's not like you haven't had other men on the side too. I'm twenty-three, maybe I should commit myself to Tayna. Your tour has prompted this sort of… epiphany in my head, about my own dreams and goals. I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but I want to get married and start a family."
Stupid, irrational tears filled my eyes. "Yeah, I had other men too but I always came back to you at the end of the day. As far as faithfulness goes, I'm better than you. And with your little American dream you have cooked up in your head…well you could have all of that and more with me, Edward. I promise, just let me have five years, please."
He clasped my hand, his touch so cold. "Bella, no you can't. You're not that type of girl, to settle down with babies. You're a free bitch baby and I love that about you. But Tayna, like all the other girls your age, have been trained from birth to marry rich and have lots of babies while they're young.
Everyone else was born ready to settle, just not you. You're like that lion at the zoo that I wanted so badly when I was a kid. I want you, to make you mine and to keep you forever but you and I both know that the lion is just better off free and happy and glorious."
He cupped my face with his hands and forced himself to see my pain. To him, this was just like having to let the lion free after so many years of companionship. He would have to understand the pain that he put the lion through to ever begin to comprehend how much it would hurt to keep it tame and docile for all its life.
Little did he know how much the lion would love him, how much the brave, glass façade of the lion would be destroyed. How denying his love for the lion could potentially throw daggers into the beating heart of the lion and turn it ice cold. How love could go so sour.
My tears fell in earnest now, though I begged them not to show anymore weakness to him. "Tell me you don't love me then, Edward. Tell me you love her more. Tell me this is what you want. If it is, I'll leave and you'll never see me again. It'll be like I never existed to you, Isabella Swan will be just a bad shadow of a memory."
His eyes steeled. "I don't love you. Not at all. Tayna and I are destined for each other." Wrong move, darling. I threw my still warm coffee into his lap to warm his ice heart.
"Don't dare lying to me, Edward. You're right, I am a free bitch, baby." And with that, I stormed off, not caring where I was heading. I pulled out my Vertu phone and called my agent.
"Book me for the first flight to Paris. Let's start this tour with a bang."
"That'll be ten seventy-five ma'am", the cabbie interjected impatiently from the driver's seat. I wonder how long I was out of it, just ruminating. I quickly opened my clutch and pulled out a twenty.
"Keep the change", I said as I climbed out of the cab in front of my apartment building. The doorman, Seth, smiled as soon as he caught sight of me.
"Welcome back, Bella."
I grinned my first honest smile in over a year and a half. "It's nice to be home, Seth. Anything new in town?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "Aw Bella, you know the city isn't fun without you . No fun, no drama, no glamour, no glitz. Nothing is really pretty anymore."
I leaned over and kissed his cheek. "I know, that's why I had to come back. I missed my little gossip doorman so much."
He chortled. "Did you know Edward Cullen and Tayna Denali just bought the apartment under yours?"
I rose my eyebrows. "Hmm, that's a surprise. Any particular reason why they bought that apartment?"
He laughed again. "Well, Tayna had her heart set on the penthouse suite, claiming it was the most beautiful apartment in all of New York. Imagine her surprise when the manager of the building told her who owned it."
I chuckled evilly. "Oh, I bet she had a fit. She always did hate it if I managed to beat her at anything."
Seth and I started walking towards the elevators. "Of course she did. She demanded that Edward buy the apartment from you and got your things moved out. And Edward, as usual, told her quite frankly---and I quote, 'I don't want to live where a Swan has slept.' Well that shut Tayna right up of course."
I pressed the button for the penthouse on the panel as we waited. "Sure she would shut up then. Who would want to sleep where her fiancé fucked the hell out of her rival?" What glorious fucking it was indeed. The elevator dinged then and the lift doors flung open. I kissed Seth on his cheek again.
"Listen darling, you should come down to PokerFace this Saturday at ten. I'm dancing."
Seth's face rumpled with momentary confusion. "Wait, isn't that day Edward's…", he paused as realization washed over him, "Oh Bella, when you're good, you're good. I can't wait." I waved as the elevator ascended.
Home sweet home, I thought I threw my purse and keys down on the satin settee next to the door. My bags had already been delivered here earlier today but the penthouse seemed exactly the same with more of an empty feeling.
This place had been my little love nest with Edward, the air still smelled like his apple shampoo, and the fact that his presence remained even though he didn't love me anymore made me so cold and lonely. I sighed, shutting the lights off as I walked into my bedroom.
The Edward smell was strongest here, of course. I quickly undressed, trying as much as possible not to breath in that scent, to surround myself in his sweet ambrosia once again and allow myself an indulgence I could no longer afford.
I allowed my bathtub to fill with steaming water and ample bubbles before plopping my stressed and wearied dancer's body into it. Closing my eyes, I tried to forget about everything that isn't him and of course, my phone rang.
I snatched the black classic 1950's phone from its hook. "Hello", I said in my sultriest voice, just to puzzle whomever was on the line with me.
"Isabella, why on Earth didn't you tell me you were home?", inquired my overly protective mother Renee Swan.
I sunk deeper into my bubbles and twirled the cord around my fingers while propping my feet up on the side of the tub.
"A 'hello darling, how are you?' would suffice Mother", I chortled.
"Bella dearest, I wasn't expecting you home so soon but your father and I are having a little soiree here at the house tomorrow evening at eight o'clock. It would be so pleasant to have you here. People have been asking around about you and dear, you know I never get information about my daughter's whereabouts so you could tell everyone about all of your adventures."
Translation in Upper East Siderese: Maybe you can explain to everyone why you ran off like a little girl after he finally broke things off with you?
I huffed. "Sure, mother why not? Formal dress I assume?"
She scoffed over the line and I could imagine her drawn on stick eyebrows raising in exasperation. "Only the best dear. I'll send Rosalie and Alice over in the morning with a selection of dresses for you. They've missed you, you know?", she paused for a second, "We've all missed you", she finished sadly.
"I know mother, it never was my intention to stay away for so long…I just needed a….break I suppose", I put dully as tears filled my eyes again. Damn, when did I become such an emotional sap? I rarely if ever cared about others' feelings but I just couldn't ignore the pain that Edward put me through which put the people I loved through more pain.
Just fucking pain all around. My mother just sat on the line with me in silence for awhile before she piped up.
"You know this wasn't exactly your fault dear."
I sighed again. "I know Mom. I'll be there tomorrow." She cleared her throat.
"Well excellent then. Uh, see you there. I love you."
"I love you too Mom. See ya." I just sat there in my tepid bathwater for awhile, just being lethargic and lifeless. I never meant to get so attached to him, to let my whole world depend upon his every word but I did. I let him control me because it felt comfortable, it felt easier to just let myself think he was in love with me when he never was.
Our whole relationship, if you could call it that, was just like one of those one way glass windows. He could see it all, everything I had sacrificed to be with him, everything I felt for him, all my emotions though I tried to be strong and not let him see.
All I ever saw was our reflection in that mirror, a seemingly happy couple of kids who didn't give a damn about the world. So cliché but I wanted it so. I wanted the 2.5 kids and the white picket fence with him but all he ever wanted was just another notch for his bedpost.
I climbed out of my tub with a sigh and prepared myself for bed. I grabbed a pair of short shorts and a tank top and changed in the master bathroom before shuffling off to my bed. As I laid there in the darkness, I could almost see him. A small smirk on his face, emerald eyes all aglow, a light sheen all across his skin, and my fingers laced into his messy bronze hair. Sigh. Never again.
Sure, I had my freedom, my career, my fans, my fame, the expensive clothes, the money, I seemingly had everything but for the last year and a half, a small hole that had always been there in my heart widened. I had always wanted Edward just like every other girl at school, but this was different. It wasn't just lust or obsession, I won't argue it was a bit of both but I truly loved him. I knew all his secrets, his flaws, his favorite little things that made him smile.
Tayna Denali knew nothing. She didn't know that his favorite drink is actually candy cane rimmed margaritas because he likes his taste buds tasting sweet things but drinks scotch in front of all the men to look less feminine, as he put it.
She didn't know that when he thinks of Christmas, he thinks of making snowmen with me in Central Park. She didn't know that when he loves it when I speak Italian to him while we're in bed together. She didn't know that during the long summers in the Hamptons, he used to meet me at the beach wearing his leather studded belt. There was so much she didn't know and while admittedly, she was better trained to be a wife, she wasn't well trained enough to be his wife.
I wasn't even being selfish or conceited by saying that I was the perfect girl for him. I remember one summer night when we were seventeen and our parents dragged us to some movie premiere for a vampire movie.
I finished my glass of Dom Perignon as Edward reclined in the limo seat next to me. I gently set down the fragile champagne glass and climbed on top of Edward as easily as one could in a stupid clingy premiere dress.
He smirked at me. "Is someone eager tonight?", he muttered as I smothered his face in wet, hot kisses. I trailed my kisses down to his neck.
"Of course, I am. Tayna's been in town all week, baby. I haven't had the chance to be alone with you in a while and it doesn't help that you're horribly tempting."
He chuckled and gently pried me off of him. "Sweet, as much as I would love to show up in Radio City looking thoroughly fucked, our parents are going to be there and besides, I like to have a little suspense for the night. You won't know when you're gonna get it."
He lovingly kissed me and I smiled up at him. I felt his warm hand entrap my own and we just stared into each other's eyes for the rest of the trip.
"Mr. Cullen, Ms. Swan, we've arrived", James the driver said from the front of the car.
"Ready, love?"
I cocked my eyebrow at him. "Always am, dear." Edward stepped out of the limo, bright flashing lights entering the interior and offered me his hand. I smirked at him and took it, emerging from the car.
He clasped my hand sweetly and wormed his way through the paparazzi, with us answering questions as we walked along.
"Bella, Bella, how is it to have Edward Cullen on your arm?", someone shouted at me as we reached the red carpet.
I looked up at him and then raked my eyes quickly over his body. It was such a shame that abs that hot had to be restrained by a tux, even it was as sexy as Armani. "Orgasmic." We posed together for a few shots. Edward pressed up behind me with his hands draped across the thigh high slits in my red silk Dolce & Gabbana dress. The next one had us facing each other and holding hands. For the last one, I hitched my thigh over Edward's and he supported me up in the air.
We walked down the line to see an interviewer for a celebrity channel talking about us as we approached.
"This is Carmen Sanchez with and here behind me are two local celebrities, Edward Cullen and Isabella Swan. Edward's family owns the biggest financial institution in the world and Isabella's family has dealings in the real estate and publishing businesses. Excuse me…", she said as she moved from in front of the camera to talk to us.
"Do you two mind if we interview you?"
I laughed. "Of course not. Do you mind, Edward darling?"
"Not at all." We followed her back to her camera and handed us microphones.
"Here with me are Edward & Isabella. So are you excited about this premiere?" Edward gave me a weird look, apparently he had no clue what movie we were even going to watch. I responded for the both of us as Edward played with his messy hair.
"Definitely, I've been a huge fan of the books ever my father had published them. It's going to be interesting to see the film counterpart to the books I love so much."
Carmen nodded approvingly. "How long have you two been dating? You make the most darling couple."
Edward stuttered. "Um…we don't date each other…at all." I smiled sheepishly at the camera. It would have been nice for once to pretend he was my boyfriend instead of just my secret lover but I composed myself quickly. I just wanted whatever part of Edward that he was willing to give me.
Carmen looked shocked and embarrassed. "I'm sorry but you two just act like a married couple around each other, I just assumed…"
"It's not a problem, Carmen. We hear that a lot but Edward and I have always been just friends, that's the way it will always be."
"Well enjoy the show tonight", she tried to recover her composure.
"You too", Edward and I responded in unison.
Back then if I would have just had the balls to tell that interviewer that I was in love with Edward Cullen, he might have believed that he could settle down with me and I would be the one wearing the white dress next Friday evening.
This night was the first night in almost a year that I cried myself to sleep.
I know there are some who already think they know who I am. Truth is they're wrong. I'm a completely different person. Are you watching closely? xx, DG